Would You Want This Woman at Your Daughters Birthday?

[catchingup]

Greatwhitenorth.
I dont know if you have ever attempted to explain to SIL,BIL etc what your MIL did when you wanted DH home because you were in labour.

I have never attempted to defend myself to my BIL's etc--MIL is long gone-- because Why? I dont know maybe it is a sense of loyalty or perhaps I think they would not hear me anyway.

NOW HEAR THIS-- At the next opportunity you get tell your SIL or whoever this story about a friend who's MIL attempted to prevent DH from going to attend to his wife in labour and hear,see the reaction then drop the bombshell of who you are talking about.
This will give you the opportunity to be heard before one of them swiches off---you know "old bitter DIL going on"

Believe me if anything could have caused me to divorce my husband it would have been because of MIL.
Unfortunately MIL's  like this do not realize what distress they cause their sons when they behave like this. "Selfish love" and it almost always comes from the husband's mothers side.

I still distrust my husband in many ways because of loyalty to MIL by not giving me the moral support when I needed it. Some things I will never forget.
Fortunately he did eventually see the  light but sometimes too much water goes under a bridge.

If he dares to support anyone against me he knows he will suffer dire consequenses which is not good either and most of it is because of the memories MIL left behind.
These women do not deserve any respect whatsoever.

I dont think my MIL ever had a word of praise or encouragement for me. She oppressed me to a point that I no longer knew who I was.

She was the total opposite to my own mother who always encouraged and she lived far away and so did the rest of my family so I had no backup whatsoever.

I will credit the "Old  duck" with one thing. It taught me how not to be a MIL from hell

[GreatWhiteNorth]

Seasage- I would take you up on that in a heartbeat.

Catching up-
I have actually thought of the effect of MILs passing when it eventually happens. I wonder if that time will mark it being too late for my husband to really step up to the plate, if I will have resentment towards him that he could only stop from  happening during MILs lifetime, in terms of setting appropriate boundaries, etc.

I do find the stories of what it is like once MILs like mine do pass away.

I kind of hope for MIL that she uses the rest of her time wisely, that she makes her heart right with God, that she turns a new leaf and saves herself from where she might be going for eternity. I have no idea where she is going, Maybe God will have alot of empathy due to mental disease, but what if all MIL is is a Malignant Narcissist?

But MIL also has not even come close to even admitting that she is even a little out of line, so I don't see a lot of hope for her. Then I wonder when God says enough of the torment that we go through due to her existance.

It is not my call of course when it is her time, but these are questions that plague me about this situation. God has his plan, all I can do is trust that.

It is definitely a "selfish love" that comes from MIL.

MIL is essentially a thief, she has ample resources, 20 X more financially then we ever will, yet instead of using her resources to live, she wants to keep hers and use ours. She truly is so boundaryless that she believes that what is my DHs(her son) is hers, but it does not work the other way at all.

MIL has a cottage a beautiful cottage, MIL acts like it is all of theirs but only when it comes to the upkeep, so if MIL wants a new roof, she approaches her sons as if it is their responsibility (as if they all own it or something)but it is not shared in terms of who can use it. MIL is the only one that can use it. We can go, but she is always there and going when she is there means shenanigans being pulled right, left and center, making it hard to enjoy the time and MIL thinks that DH is there just to be her manservant thus the whole time is spent him doing jobs for her....we (his wife and kids) end up bored while he works for her.

That is what bothers me the most about her, she is thief, she has more then enough resources, but she wants to save hers and use ours, tapping out our family, basically being a parasite. I don't like the enmeshment of all that, don't want to behave like her cottage is ours at all, just making a point of how it works in her mind and how it only benefits her.

Do you know that when I met my DH and we were marrying, MIL actually warned my fiancee at the time to not allow me to put his name on my house (after the wedding) she warned him that if he lets me do that, I might expect him to contribute to it, as if this meant I was a gold digger. Yet she expected him to buy her groceries for her everyweek, fund all her renovations and put X amount of his pay into her account for her to spend.

She was warning him, acting like she was his dependent wife and I was no more then an imposter on their resources.

So backwards.....

[luise.volta]

Is that sick or what? 

[catchingup]

It seems to me your MIL wants to make you pay for what you may inherit one day.
I would say move as far away as possible if that is possible.

My MIL was a sergeant major in WW2 and when I married her son she was under the delusion that I joined her regiment.
She used to walk into our home like a sergeant major and I am not exaggerating. She marched like a sergeant major.
When we first moved into our home she brought a tree to plant--nothing wrong with that--but I bought some plants for the garden and asked hubby to help me plant something he refused yet he would do it if his mother told him.
I once uprooted a tree she and he had planted I was so mad.
I could see he did not want me to have any say in the garden. I am sure now that she put him up to it.
I would be here forever if I had to continue.
What MIL has the right to choose A Dil curtains and be allowed to do so by her son?

When she disapproved of something she had a way of raising her eyebrows to her sons and they would just conform.
When their Father entered the room they had to stand up say "Good evening sir" She did not grow beyond the war

She raised her eyebrows at me once in a restaurant at one of my childrens birthday parties because they were making too much noise  (Talking all at once)
I got up and went over to the  kids table (About 20 of them) and got them to sing "Why are we waiting" She was furious.  HeeHee

[luise.volta]

Oh, that's rich! 

[GreatWhiteNorth]

Wow catchingup, your MIL sounds like she was very hard to get along with. Yikes.

[cremebrulee]

Hi GWN
yanno, no one can second guess why people do things, especially a mind like your mother in law's.  It is very sad that she not only did this to you, but that your husband will not validate your feelings...in other words, all this spent anger you have for her, is also probably eating away at you, b/c your DH refuses to admit to you, that this was unacceptable behavior on her part, she was absolutely wrong and console you during this difficult time...

You said, he finally admitted she was wrong at the counselors, however, it's not enough...he needs to grow up and realize, that what has happened is almost unforgivable....and should certainly understand your sentiments about this issue. 

My thoughts are with you....I would suggest, you continue conseling with him so that he understands, the seriousness of this situation.  People like you mil should never be parents.



Hugs
Creme

[Pen]

It seems to me your MIL wants to make you pay for what you may inherit one day.
I would say move as far away as possible if that is possible.

My MIL was a sergeant major in WW2 and when I married her son she was under the delusion that I joined her regiment.
She used to walk into our home like a sergeant major and I am not exaggerating. She marched like a sergeant major.
When we first moved into our home she brought a tree to plant--nothing wrong with that--but I bought some plants for the garden and asked hubby to help me plant something he refused yet he would do it if his mother told him.
I once uprooted a tree she and he had planted I was so mad.
I could see he did not want me to have any say in the garden. I am sure now that she put him up to it.
I would be here forever if I had to continue.
What MIL has the right to choose A Dil curtains and be allowed to do so by her son?

When she disapproved of something she had a way of raising her eyebrows to her sons and they would just conform.
When their Father entered the room they had to stand up say "Good evening sir" She did not grow beyond the war

She raised her eyebrows at me once in a restaurant at one of my childrens birthday parties because they were making too much noise  (Talking all at once)
I got up and went over to the  kids table (About 20 of them) and got them to sing "Why are we waiting" She was furious.  HeeHee

Catching Up, I know this woman was difficult for you to deal with so please forgive me for saying she would make a great character in a movie. I have a vivid picture of her in my mind from your wonderful descriptions. I'm glad you've survived; now go make something out of your experience! Best Screenplay, 2013? Which actress should play her?

[Pen]

Is that sick or what? 

Yes!

GWN, I once married into a very, very wealthy family too. I was treated like an outsider, a moron, a gold digger, a servant, you name it. XDH wasn't going to walk away from the loot so I walked (taking nothing of material value with me, BTW, so obviously I wasn't in it for the cash.) Life w/o all the big money hasn't been easy, but I'm much happier now.

I'm not saying my solution should be your solution; we didn't have children so it was easier to leave it all and not look back. As you say, you'll be tied to this family forever because of the kids and if you're not with your DH you'll be less able to monitor your MIL's shenanigans. I guess I'm saying I understand your predicament. Best wishes to you.

[luise.volta]

The reason I posted here about my unexpected and off the wall inheritance is because I think that's what they are. Unpredictable. People and circumstances shift around like the desert sands. To pattern ones life on the expectation that they won't do that, can be self-abuse. Sending love...

[Pen]

Yeah, we quit expecting an inheritance a long time ago, even when DF insisted we were in the will. We expect nothing. I'm sure we won't be disappointed, LOL.

[GreatWhiteNorth]

Hey Creme- I have come realize something about the situation. Narcissists are self absorbed, it is not always that they want to hurt you, they actually couldn't care less, it is more that they are so self serving that only they matter, even at the expense of others. She was probably only thinking of herself that day and all excited thinking she was about to get her sonny do list completer back and finally she can get the island and dishwasher he was suppose to buy and install for her. That is probably why MIL doesn't even think she is even ever a little out of line, even though her behavior is so horrendous. She is the center of the Universe in her world, the rest of us just don't matter.

Pen- I would walk in a heart beat if it were not for the kids, this is so not worth it.

Luise- As always you make another amazingly valid point, you have a way of responding that really does help put the situation to rest, thank you for that.

Unexpected is right, I bet my DH never thought in his whole life about how things would change with her once he got married, how she would react. She definitely has been promising it to him and his brother all their lives.

Things can change again, you are so right....it is not even worth thinking about, I get that now. One of those nothing that is in my control situations.

[GreatWhiteNorth]

I just wanted to add what else has transpired in this situation.

I was watching the movie Mrs. Miracle and in the movie there is a young lady who does not forgive her sister and she ends up punishing herself by not forgiving. The reconciled in the end and were very  happy they did, their lives were more complete in letting go of the anger and forgiving.

My DH and I spoke about this later and he feels that the situation between MIL and I is similar to the lady and her sister in the movie. But I disagree. But it never ceases to amaze me the way they find to defend their pink elephant family member, they are well trained.

The ladies sister was actually sorry for the one thing she did four years ago that hurt her sister. With MIL is not an event that I am holding onto, it is a pattern of behavior that is so predominant that it is who she is. Also MIL is not sorry, she does not even think she is even a little out of line and MIL fights to be this way, she once wrote in an email that she is going to continue her horrendous behavior and she does not care if others do not like it.

That is a huge difference to me. MIL is not asking for forgiveness, she is asking that I pretend with FIL that she did nothing wrong and give her a carte blanche. (or be like BIL and SIL and don't ask what she did- just go full tilt on the assumption that she does no wrong). It is not that she misses anyones, she is likely just bored. I don't even giver her a chance to pull her shenanigans because I have very limited contact with her, so that leaves her with nothing else to do but fight with FIL.

Then he gives me this gem....

That we are hurting our family by not having her here............

Wow, is he serious, so not having a woman that performs shenanigan after shenanigan all for negative attention because without this she does not know that she exists, not having a glorified child abuser around our children...this hurts us? I literally can't enjoy my own childs birthday party because this woman is present because she just doesn't stop, she is feeding not interacting and I am constantly having to ensure she is not hurting the kids in some way. Constantly making sure that I don't give her any attention for her antics. Oh and lets not forget she has a fiasco planned for each and every grandchilds birthday, I can count on these. She can't stand the attention being on the grandchild and not on her.

He doesn't get that withdrawing does not hurt us, having her around does.

Does he not see how much we get along when she is not around? has he not noticed all the trouble she has caused for us over the years?

So that was the latest of the situation. I never did end up having her here, and I did find out what weapon she is using now to try and get her fingers back in the door. She is using her sons relationship, using DHs brother to push on her behalf and then issuing the threat of "if he does not do what his brother wants then he will loose his relationship with him"

This woman must have a PHD in Emotional Blackmail....I could post some more doozies
Like I have always said, MIL is unhinged and it truly has nothing to do with her being a MIL, like the Billy Joel song says, " I didn't start the fire...it was always burning" It was burning way before she ever became a MIL.

[catchingup]

I have found that wherever I told MIL to her face what I thought of her behaviour is where I let go of that hurt.
I think this is what you need to do.

Christians will say it is not an "eye for an eye" but there is no black and white not even in the bible
Take a look at 2 verses in proverbs that seem to contradict one another and are quoted after each other
"Treat not a fool according to his folly lest you become like him"
"Treat a fool according to his folly lest he become wise in his own eyes"
One sometimes needs to treat people in the same way to let them know what it feels like.
You know the old saying"Two can play at your game"

I realize that depending on someone else like DH to defend  me was "Pie in the sky"
If someone throws a snake at you hoping it will bite you,throw it back. It is a way of freeing oneself of the object of resentment that eats away at one.

[luise.volta]

I like the saying, "I'm outta here!" (I know, I know not mature...but remember I'm just a kid.)