Here's the latest

[Barbie]

I thought we were going to have a nice family holiday since DS told us he was coming home for Thanksgiving. Well yesterday he called me, feeling really down, to tell me that he was coming by himself, no wife or daughter, he tried to let me know that he was doing it for me, he said he lives just to make other people happy, that his life didn't matter to him anymore. I told him we wanted all three of them and DH called him later and told him the same thing not to come by himself.

He said DIL didn't want to come, that no one pays any attention to her (she avoids us), so we'll see what he has to say when he calls me today.

We're still walking on eggshells and I'm so very worried about him...

If anyone has any words of wisdom as to what I can say to him to make him feel better I would really appreciate it.

[seasage]

I am looking into my future and it is you.  My DS is coming alone this year, also because DIL has refused to come to our house.  He has been saying for months that he is under stress ... and I know the stress is DIL.

This is what I would do if my DS and DIL lived close enough to me that I could drive there.  I would prepare a Thanksgiving dinner and show up at their house to deliver it.  I would do this in order to include DIL and gd in the love.

[Marilyn]

Oh Barbie,sounds like your son is feeling discourged.If it was me,i would ask him what you could do to make things better.That you dont want her to feel like she is being ignored or not important.This sounds like it can be worked out,he is at least thinking of his parents not just shutting you out.

I'm sure you will get some more advice from some of the other wise women here.

I will say a little prayer for you that this will work out.

Sending a hug

[Barbie]

Seasage,

they live about 4 hours away. I already have some of the foods that she likes to eat, she's a vegetarian.

MIW,

We've gone over this so many times. I always try to make her feel welcomed but she's forever saying that she doesn't feel comfortable around us. DS sounds really depressed, we were a very happy family before all of this happened.

[Tara]

Barbie,

I don't know your family but I'm wondering if it would be appropriate in your context to call DIL
and ask her what you could do to make her feel more at ease and welcomed?

[luise.volta]

It seems to me like she could be making this up. If she doesn't want to be with you, making it your fault would be really handy. I would ask DS what you could do to make it easier for him.  Sending love...

[Pen]

If he says his life doesn't matter to him anymore, that's worrisome. I hope he doesn't really feel that way...

Make sure he knows how much you love and value him, but that you also understand his predicament. Tell him you'll meet when it's more convenient all around and, as Luise suggested, find out what would make it easier for him.

[Barbie]

I know, Pen, that's what worries me. I know he hasn't been happy for a long time. I spoke to him for a couple of minutes today and he still sounded really sad, I didn't ask him what he was doing tomorrow and he didn't tell me, my guess is that he won't come and that's ok, even though he'll be missed.

[Tara]

Hi Barbie,

I can see why your worried about your DS.  Do you think me is depressed

I am a little confused about why your DH told DS not to come by himself?

Maybe coming alone is best he can do for now?    He must feel stuck in the middle and loves you both. 

[luise.volta]

Yes, I wonder if his situation is serious and intervention is indicated.

[Barbie]

We thought he was coming with his wife and daughter although DIL hasn't been to our house since last christmas. DH said that to him because we feel he should be with his wife and daughter on thanksgiving as much as we want to see him, we don't want to come between them.

Louise, DIL is a drama queen so we're hoping that he's copying off of her (wishful thinking). I know he hasn't been happy for awhile due to all the problems with DIL. He's told me a couple of times in the past that he's tired of people worrying about him that he can take care of himself. DIL and us have zero communication so we can only go by what he says.

[luise.volta]

OK. Prayers and incantations coming from here for his well-being!

[Tara]

Well, I don't know your son Barbie, but it seems like he is giving you too messages one that hes tired of people worrying
about him and the other is that his life doesn't matter anymore. 

wishing you well

[Nana]

Dear Barbie:

Your son is defenitely having problems.   I feel that he might feel tired of worrying for dil not wanting to come to spend time with you, and he wanting to see you.  Maybe they fought over this issue.    Only me, if he were my son I would tell him not to worry about us, that I know he loves us and that I dont want him to get into trouble for coming.   

If this is not the case, let him come by himself and enjoy his visit.
Son told you dil doesnt want to come....end of the story.  Do not insist.

I feel sad for him.  He is surely hurting. 

Good luck 

[Barbie]

Nana,

That's exactly what we told him, not to worry about us. I know he loves his wife but he also wants us in his life. I don't think DIL cares enough about him to try to meet him halfway and he's really hurting and there's nothing we can do. He called us early this morning to say he is coming with GD, he sounded angry, hope he's in better spirits when he arrives, we'll definetely try to make the best of it.

Thanks everyone.