Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?

[overwhelmed123]

LL- if I recall, the timeline is usually 6-8 weeks before the wedding, but I've also read it as 4-6.  So somewhere close to 6 weeks before.

[stilltryen]

seasage, "This would be a friendly gesture so that DIL's FOO and guests could get to know DS's relatives."  Friendly gesture, my Aunt Fanny!!  However, I must say, I love how you think. 

Unless it's a very, very private wedding with a guest list consisting of only parents of the groom/bride, I would feel very insulted and hurt to think my DS was marrying someone so totally lacking in decorum, understanding, caring, etc. that she and her family would refuse to acknowledge the groom has family who loves him and would want to be there at his wedding. 

[lancaster lady]

I'm sure things will work out that way ,with all the family invited .
We have had a few rocky months F/DIL and I so perhaps I wasn't the ideal buddy to share things with .
so I'm kinda on the outside of things at the moment ,but it's six months away .
Give  me a few more weeks and I'll broach the subject ....waiting for calmer seas ....lol

[overwhelmed123]

seasage, "This would be a friendly gesture so that DIL's FOO and guests could get to know DS's relatives."  Friendly gesture, my Aunt Fanny!! 

LOL! 

[Pen]

Seasage, your photo idea is great. How about cardboard cutouts with the photos glued on so you could set them up at the tables? JK, of course...

DH & I thanked the ILs at the rehearsal dinner which we paid for but did not get to plan. We were never thanked for anything except by DS who also refused to ask us for $$$ for some over-the-top add-on at the last minute. I think he'd had it with Bridezilla by that point.

Laurie, if I'd have been assured of receiving some of the wedding photos, or even a chance to order some that I'd pay for myself, a fruit basket might have been a lovely gesture. As it was there was another gesture I was contemplating, LOL.

[stilltryen]

I'm sure things will work out that way ,with all the family invited .
We have had a few rocky months F/DIL and I so perhaps I wasn't the ideal buddy to share things with .
so I'm kinda on the outside of things at the moment ,but it's six months away .
Give  me a few more weeks and I'll broach the subject ....waiting for calmer seas ....lol

Remember that weddings cause so much more stress.  My DIL flew into a rage one evening.  She called her parents up and was calling me every name in the book and was totally out of control.  Poor DS called on his cell phone and was frantically telling me I had to call her and apologize.  I told him I'd be happy to, could he just give me a clue as to why I should apologize and let me know what wrong I had committed?  "Mom, you purposely changed an address!!!"  Turns out when I was hand-addressing the invitations, I had the nerve to change one the addresses on the outside envelope for one of the guests.

I had given her a list of my guests with their addresses.  I presumed she was checking each and every guest's envelope to her lists to make sure everything was accurate and I hadn't accidentally picked up something incorrectly.  However, I changed the address for my nephew and his wife because I had previously provided the WRONG address.  I picked up their former address and put it on the list that I gave her.  They had moved. 

I explained this all to DS, and told him that, yes, I would still apologize.  I would tell her I was sorry for fixing something that was wrong and I would never again do such a wicked thing.  Wisely, he declined.  Now, I have no stinking idea why she simply didn't pick up the phone, call me and ask me why I'd changed it before flying off the handle, but I decided that maybe she'd had a really bad day and this was just the proverbial straw.  BTW, that was the ONLY issue with any of the invitations.

So don't automatically think there will be calmer seas - it just might be the calm before the storm now.  :-)

[lancaster lady]

I think maybe that's why subconsciously I am taking a back seat .
It doesn't take much for things to be taken the wrong way ,so I think I'll keep quiet a while longer .
Don't think I could take being back to square one !
don't want my visitation to be revoked !  ( GD ) I kinda like sleeping at nights too .

[LaurieS]

Laurie, if I'd have been assured of receiving some of the wedding photos, or even a chance to order some that I'd pay for myself, a fruit basket might have been a lovely gesture. As it was there was another gesture I was contemplating, LOL.

I'll have to ask my dil.. but I know that everyone was aware of the photographers website and knew that the proofs would be posted there for anyone to order.  Of course the bride and groom had a package plan to begin with, but everyone else was able to order packages or individuals.  Actually the photographer was pretty good and he tried to be considerate of my family since both dh and yds (who was the best man) was  missing from the formation.  I don't think you can tell by the pictures that I had started drinking at noon

Now about that kind gesture you were referring to Pen....

[stilltryen]

Silly Laurie, Pen never mentioned a thing about it being a "kind" gesture...............

[Pooh]

Oh, you guys will love this one I forgot.  3 months before the wedding, because we were not being told anything, I asked my FDIL, Does your Mother know what color she is going to wear yet and what style?.  She told me no so I told her when her Mother decided to please let me know, because her Mother should have first choice and I would follow suit with style (that's how I had been raised to think of it).  So I ask the next month, the next month and finally 2 weeks before the wedding, her Mother still had not picked.  So I told FDIL that I was going to have to go shopping, as we were 2 weeks out.  She told me to just get whatever I wanted.  Ok, I tried.  Plus my Mother had been waiting too for me to find out, so I told her to get what she wanted.

So me and DH spend all weekend shopping to find this very nice blue dress suit that is very classy, but warm for an outdoor fall wedding. My Mother picks a beautiful pale blue dress with a lace shawl. The next week she calls me (6 days out) and says she has decided that our side should all be in oranges and her side will all be in blue.  I told her it was too late now as both myself and my Mother had purchased outfits and did not have time to go back out shopping, and I told her they were both blue.  She got mad and said "Great, I will tell Mom to find something else then!" and hung up.  Ok, I guess we could have made mad dashes after work every day to try and find something else, but I had been politely asking for three months!  So, I kept my outfit, Mom kept hers...and we looked fabulous!

Her Mother wore black and white zebra stripes....Lol...I'm not kidding.

[overwhelmed123]

My gosh, Pooh!  The ridiculousness you have had to deal with...

And zebra stripes...hmmm...neat.  At least you didn't have to find an orange dress.  Are the separate families really supposed to be color coordinated?  That's so guests can tell who belongs to what family?  LOL.  The orange family and blue family.  I mean I know the mom is supposed to pick her color so the MIL doesn't match her, but that's all I was aware of.  My mom told my MIL about 3 months out that she found her dress (she told her almost immediately after she decided to get it) and my MIL just said, "oh that's okay I already picked mine and it's green."  Thankfully my mom picked blue...

[Pooh]

I had never heard of it OW, but I would have done it if DIL had told me sooner, just because that is what she wanted.  I too have only ever heard to let MOB pick first and style. Style as in, long dress or shorter dress, formal or informal, etc.

[LaurieS]

Oh.. seriously.. are you suppose to care about what the other mom is wearing...someone left me out of the loop on wedding etiquette.   Well I guess I gave my dil something to hate me for then.. I wore a black and white pant suit.. no not zebra.  My dd wore a very low cut black dress.. she was excited that she finally has some cleavage.  Needless to say I thought we looked ok.. lol maybe not... My husband before he donned his pretty little open backed hospital gown was going to where black slacks and a black shirt..  oh this is horrible I just now saw that we were all in black... well the groomsmen were in black so I guess it was ok.   No one said anything about my colors, but then again I really did start drinking at noon that day... A few did give me really bad looks for arriving to the rehearsal late.. but I had to take my in-laws to see their son since they didn't know he was about to have surgery until they got to the wedding..

So my best wedding advice... have a glass of wine at 12:00 another at 12:15 if required to let everything roll off your back while you walk through the day oblivious.

[Pooh]

Ha ha.  I have no idea Laurie about the black.  I know it used to be that wearing black to a wedding was a no-no, and wearing bright colors to a funeral was a no-no.  But, I know times and style have changed and have seen many all black weddings now, and the bridesmaids in black.

Here's the wedding rules that I was always told, and they may all be out-of-date now.

MOB picks her color first and MOG picks a different color.
No one wears white except the bride.
No one wears the same color as the bridesmaids unless requested.
And, if bride has specifics, you follow them.  Meaning color, formal, informal, long or short, etc.  What she would like if done nicely.

And when I say no one, I mean immediate family (MOB, MIL, GM, etc.)

[lancaster lady]

HAHA ...I can just see DIL FOO ...when I roll in singing ....probably wearing the same colour as MOB....
priceless !!