Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?

[LaurieS]

I agree Pam the son should think of his family as well..  My ds was away at Officer Training school for an extended amount of time.. so as the plans changed he was being more notified instead of a active participant.  Thank you gifts were  not given to parents or grandparents, we all just had a toast and said here's to all those who helped.  Actually  I  thought ds wedding was going to go off without a hitch until dh was rushed to the emergency  room on the morning of the wedding day to  find out that he needed to have surgery.  I only wish I had taken pictures of the bride and groom coming to his hospital room that evening.. I was very thankful that my new dil loved my son enough that his dad was allowed to see him for the first time in his dress blues. I will always be grateful to her for that moment in time.

[overwhelmed123]

Pooh- that's awful!  I wouldn't have said thank you if I were you, either!  Especially considering she was the one who gave you the 50 people guest list for the rehearsal dinner!  My gosh!  I kept it at bare minimum- people who were involved in the wedding and spouses.  I felt bad even asking for my grandparents to be included- I did finally, though.  I didn't even bother asking about my aunts and uncles because I knew it wouldn't go over well from the responses I had received about it prior.   And leaving you and your mom out of the gift thing....ohhh if I knew your DIL it would be hard to not give her a piece of my mind!  She was already showing you she didn't care about family relations, why would you bother giving her a thank you?  And I agree with holli- there is no excuse for there to NOT be seating for the groom's family.  They got reserved seating at our reception.  That is nuts.  What a...well...not nice girl.

ST- see, look at all the things you did to help.  Your situation is definitely different than my MILs.  Money isn't the only way to help out and you proved that.  It sounds like you did a lot to help, so it seems like that was more of a joint effort and less worthy of a thank you.  Plus, you accommodated all her guests at the RD.  My MIL didn't even do that.  Didn't help with anything involving the wedding.  The RD seemed more like something she could do so she could complain about it later and talk about how much more she went into debt just trying to help out her son (yes, those words have come out of her mouth and no, we didn't know anything about any financial problems until she used it against us later).  We could have easily paid for it ourselves and I wish we would have.  But I felt like the dismissal of her offer would have seemed rude.

I am still so appalled at the lack of most of your DIL's kindness and just civility.  It seems so ridiculous.

[luise.volta]

Historic Event: When I married Kirk's dad in church in 1947, white gown, (an age 20 virgin, no less), beautiful veil, lovely Matron of Honor dress, (my sister,) fabulous flowers and at home reception...all paid for by my family because his was some distance away...the total cost came in under...are you ready for this...under $250.00. LOL!

His family gave us a new car, paid our rent 6 months in advance and got us our sterling.

[stilltryen]

pam1, re: your post, "I can't but help wonder why the DS didn't get his parents a gift."

I agree.  I do hold sons equally at fault when stuff like this happens and his parents are disrespected in a marriage or relationship.  In this case, it turned out that DS and DIL, together, picked out gifts for the bridal party.  He was under the impression that those were the only gifts they were going to hand out that evening at the rehearsal dinner.  That morning of the rehearsal, he went to run errands.  Unknown to him, DIL went and picked up gifts for her parents, had them wrapped and she put them in the box with the other gifts so he wouldn't notice.  He said his jaw dropped when she pulled that stunt and he had, indeed, had some choice words for her later that night.  I think he was in such shock that it didn't occur to him to stand up and thank HIS parents anyway, however awkward it might have seemed, having no reciprocal gifts.  In my mind, they should have both stood up and thanked both sets of parents for everything - and she could have easily given her parents their gifts privately later on.

[Pooh]

Thanks OW, I appreciate it.

I agree there would have been nothing wrong with DS doing his own gift giving.  But he was one of those that was told "Just show up in the tux I got you" and wasn't involved with anything, at her request.  He did hug and thank me and his Memaw before they left.  Good enough for me.

[overwhelmed123]

Historic Event: When I married Kirk's dad in church in 1947, white gown, (an age 20 virgin, no less), beautiful veil, lovely Matron of Honor dress, (my sister,) fabulous flowers and at home reception...all paid for by my family because his was some distance away...the total cost came in under...are you ready for this...under $250.00. LOL!

His family gave us a new car, paid our rent 6 months in advance and got us our sterling.

OMG.  That is amazing.  My dad was a trooper throughout it all, but he was so disgusted with the way weddings have become such a racket.  He's completely right.  I will always be grateful that my parents spent what they did.  They gave me their budget and stayed below it, and was always looking for ways to cut costs.  I even did fruit in my table centerpieces to save money.  It's expensive in my area.  My church ALONE (and this is the church I grew up in and was confirmed in, so it was meaningful to me to have it in my church) cost $900 just to have the ceremony there.  That included the minister and music, but still.  Then it just gets depressing from there. 

[pam1]

Yeah, I'm not excusing stuff like what Pooh's DIL did.  That's awful.

[pam1]

Ugh, OW.  During our wedding planning the average cost of a big white wedding was 27k in the area we live in now and around 50k where I grew up and my family still lives.

All I kept thinking was that for 27k I could have the biggest baddest honeymoon ever.  And it wouldn't just be one stinking day being uncomfortable in front of a ton of people.  It would be a two week paradise.

[lancaster lady]

My son is getting married in 6 months .
I offered initially to help financially ,this was refused .
All I know is the date and the venue .....how is that for not being involved !
As for asking any of my friends ,I haven't been given that privilege .
Hopefully they might inform me nearer the time what's happening !!

[stilltryen]

That totally bites lancaster lady.  There would be no wedding if the bride didn't have a groom.  I would have a long chat with DS and ask him what the bleep is wrong with him.

[lancaster lady]

As me and my future DIL are only just talking again , I don't want to rock any boats !
But it's HER wedding ,it's HER day , it's HER baby .....if you get my drift !

[seasage]

As me and my future DIL are only just talking again , I don't want to rock any boats !
But it's HER wedding ,it's HER day , it's HER baby .....if you get my drift !

LL, if my DS were getting married to a young woman who didn't want any of my DS's extended family or friends present, I know exactly what I would do.  I would go to the wedding with my purse full of pictures, pictures of all DS's relatives and pictures of all DS's best friends.  At the reception, I would take those pictures out of my purse and show them around to everyone.  This would be a friendly gesture so that DIL's FOO and guests could get to know DS's relatives.

[stilltryen]

Speaking of weddings, my brother and SIL were invited to SIL's niece's wedding.  All the guests were required to wear black.  This was the MOB's way of ensuring that all eyes were on the bride, wearing white, and totally standing out in the sea of black. 

Yes, because at every other wedding I've been to, no one has even noticed the bride, eh?  (Roll of eyes here.....)

[overwhelmed123]

Oh....my.....really?  That would have been a wedding I would have had to conveniently skip.  I mean...really?  What is wrong with people these days?

[lancaster lady]

How Bizarre !!
I've heard of funerals where there are NO black policies .
But never a wedding with a no colour policy !!
Makes you wonder about folk ...where their brains are ...lol
I'm not sure when invitations are traditionally sent out ie. how long before the wedding ?
We will know then exactly who is invited ..hopefully I'll get one ...lol