Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?

[RedRose]

No, it doesn't always work...but there is still nothing better.
My daughter and son-il have chosen to share the care of their son and they are very happy with this decision.
My daughter has told me they feel less stress because they know he is loved very much.

IMHO

[holliberri]

I don't know, those ladies at the daycare love all of those babies. I think that's why they do what they do. They've taken the stress of being away from her as well. My mom babysits when they're closed, and it seems the same to me...worry-wise. 

**Edited b/c I think I'll probably be biased if I'm available to watch my GKs one day. 

[stilltryen]

You're all right ladies, there is no easy answer to the daycare dilemma.  Some daycares are great, as I noted, I had my youngest son in daycare and it worked out.  The daycare was close to our home and I popped in several times to make sure everything was okay.  If you find one that is good, that's a relief.  However, as some of you noted, there is the part where you need to find an alternative if the child is sick.  It can also be expensive.  I was in heaven when my parents watched my children.  I never worried about them being sick, they watched them at my house, I never had to bundle them out and take them anywhere (and those winters were snowy and cold), it was the best of all worlds and I can never thank my parents enough for being there.  In a way, I felt I had cloned myself and I was staying home with them.

In my case, the positives are:  I live on their way to work, so it'll take, perhaps, an extra 15 minutes for them to drop her off.  I'll watch (and love and care) for her way more than any daycare provider.  Yes, I'm also the kind of grandma who will take her places, to the park, etc.  I can even set her up in her own room, so she'll have a room at my house.  (Good-bye guest room!)  If you put a child in a day care, you pay no matter what.  So if your kid is sick on Thursday and Friday, you don't get a discount for those two days because you stayed home to watch the kid.  If, for any reason, she's sick, has been up all night, etc., I'll drive down there to watch her so they don't have to bring here.  Best of all, I'm free!  And DIL has admitted the only issue she has with all this is that the baby will get more attached to me than to HER mother.  I'm thinking, "Isn't this about the baby?"  And I'm not doing this because I want to interfere with their lives or anything else.  Tying yourself down by watching a baby is a big commitment and the only reason I'm offering is because they're family, I love them and I truly want to help.

[holliberri]

StillTryen,

Please don't think you had to sell your qualities to me. I really do hope it works out. I'm assuming DIL probaby thinks that if the baby is sick or the daycare is on holiday, that you'll be available as well. Like I said, if I could I either would have a.) stayed home (more for me, again); or 2.) had a split daycare thing going with the GPs. Things don't always work out like we want. I just happened to fall in love with the way my situation worked out...even though I thought it was crappy at the time.

I think she has a silly reason for not wanting to go that route. Socialization? Sure. School-type environment? Okay. Attachment issues?    You're welcome to use my daycare as an example: DD spends A LOT of hours with those ladies, somehow...she still knows I'm her mom. I also remember love/attachment was easier to define in equal amounts for me when I was little, no matter how much time I spent with who.

Someone asked up post if my daycare covered food: NO. 

Plus, I know it's a lot to ask of  GP. They give up their retirement/not working time and likely already had a schedule of their own nailed down. My mom is of the type that sick days are great, so are holidays, but everyday or a few days a week? Forget it. I'm not sure that would be an option, even if she didn't work.

[lancaster lady]

If ever I'm allowed ......I would love to be able to look after my GD .....even for a few hours !
Just because I love her sooo much ...!

[Pooh]

Stilltryen, I just had a thought (groan now...here she goes again)   Do you think that perhaps DIL's Mom has maybe said something to her about being afraid that the GC will get more attached to you?  And that DIL is trying to make her Mom feel better about it and thought that by one day with you, one day with her Mom and the rest at day-care, this would resolve her Mom's fears?  That she thought this would be fair to everyone involved?

I have no idea if thats even remotely true...was just a thought?

[stilltryen]

Pooh, I don't know about DIL's mom.  Her mom is absolutely beautiful.  She honestly looks like her sister more than her mom.  (Bit of history, the mom got pregnant with DIL right out of high school, so she's quite a bit younger than I am.)  Her mom is quite a powerhouse at her company and, while she loves her daughter and the granddaughter, she's not going to stop working for a while.  She is a very nice woman, but comes across as an absolute monster if you try and cross her.  (Yeah, had a few run-ins during the wedding portion of this relationship.)  That all being said, she doesn't strike me as the type who would care about the baby being more attached to me, I think she would be more likely to be thrilled that the baby's in good hands.  Something to think about tho.

[JaneF]

Mercy, this topic was an eye opener for me. I almost thought I wrote the original post! The comment about losing your son at the altar was interesting. I never thought of my situation like that, but it is that way!@ My DIL and her family controlled all aspects of wedding, we were not even given opportunity to do rehearsal dinner (we were not invited to that anyway). We had a total of MAYBE 10 members of our family at the wedding, the Church was filled with all her FOO relatives and friends. Photos were the same, most all of her friends and family, one or two with DS family. I have never been given a copy of even one wedding photo, I have only what I took on my little camera. Things have not changed since that day either, we are excluded from all holidays and events..DIL's FOO gets all of it. I used to get so upset by these things, but now I just let it go. My son has been "removed" from his families lives, and so have his children. DIL has been trying to accomplish this for a dozen years...she got it done. No, I never did anything bad to DIL or said anything. Her entire family is like this, it is a pattern. He has to do as she wants even if he is not happy. His choice, he is a big boy! I refuse to pout or be unhappy forever, it won't change a thing. I enjoy other grandkids, I have friends, and a great job, and a very dear husband...life is good!!!

[lancaster lady]

I will never understand why DIL want to separate her DH from his family , my f/DIL was well on the way to accomplishing this ,when the rest of my family jumped in .
they didn't want their brother removed from their family .As my elder DS is going to be best man at their wedding ,he has more or less made sure we are included more in the wedding plans .
I had decided to take a back seat and wait to be included ,while he had other plans .
There are two families at this wedding and we are one of them .
Now I am actually looking forward to the wedding ,knowing all my family will be there .My elder DS has taken charge of our side of the family and is organising accommodation etc ..He has insisted that some
of our friends be invited too .
Not a peep from F/DIL .....now if I had tried to initiate any  of this ,I am sure something would have been said .

[Pen]

Oh, we got to pay for our share of wedding expenses but didn't get to invite more than 8 people. 8! DS insisted that a couple of relatives be allowed to come in addition. There were 70 guests total. And we never got any photos either, luckily I brought a camera (must have had an inkling...) Our DIL's FOO has cut off a lot of their family, so it must be a tradition.

But you're right, JaneF, life is good anyway. I do have a great DH who has gone through this whole thing too and is very supportive. Everyone's healthy, DS is very happy. I like your attitude. Just because this last week has been yucky sad, I know I'll be cheerful again soon, too.

LL, good for DS! I hope you have a great time with your family. Although our side was small in number, we had a great time in spite of the sour looks on the faces of DIL's FOO. Oh, well!

[Rose799]

Oh, we got to pay for our share of wedding expenses but didn't get to invite more than 8 people. 8! DS insisted that a couple of relatives be allowed to come in addition. There were 70 guests total. And we never got any photos either, luckily I brought a camera (must have had an inkling...) Our DIL's FOO has cut off a lot of their family, so it must be a tradition.

Is there anyone besides me with a dd who acts this way?   

[penelope]

Holliberry,I asked about the food,when I had a daycare food was included~now this was 10 years ago,I charged 2.00 an hour:) I worked at one,and she took 1 week off in the summer and the parents still had to pay,and payment was due prior to the week of service and if late a 20 fee was charged per day,this was a in home one~I was shocked she was getting it,I left due to I didn't care for the strickness on the kids.

[stilltryen]

Oh, we got to pay for our share of wedding expenses but didn't get to invite more than 8 people. 8! DS insisted that a couple of relatives be allowed to come in addition. There were 70 guests total. And we never got any photos either, luckily I brought a camera (must have had an inkling...) Our DIL's FOO has cut off a lot of their family, so it must be a tradition.

Sheesh, I'm enough of a stinker that I would have said, "Oh bleep no, if I'm paying for half, I get half the power here."  That would never fly with my hubby either.  My DIL's parents paid for the wedding, we flat told them that we would pay half if they had a small wedding, but no way for the big shindig they wanted.  (I don't even want to speculate how much money they put out.)  To be fair, her parents (who are very wealthy) said, "Nope, don't worry.  We have the money and we want to do this."  Then, to be fair, we didn't say a word about the venues, food, etc. and had absolutely no input.  On the other hand, I didn't give them input into the rehearsal dinner either as we paid for that.  Yes, we did contribute to the wedding tho, we paid for the flowers, the DJ and the limo.

The only complaint I had about the whole thing was that their fancy-dancy overpriced photographer a) pretty much took some crappy photos that MY SON had to fix on photoshop and b) we got about, oh, maybe 5 photos of our family, the hundreds of other photos were all about the bride and her family.  And yes, they did pay for the photographer to come out, but in the long run, the photographer is in business to make money.  He would have made more money from our side of the family had he bothered to take at least a few more of our side.  I certainly don't recommend him to anyone now.  Oh well, water under the bridge.

[overwhelmed123]

Mercy, this topic was an eye opener for me. I almost thought I wrote the original post! The comment about losing your son at the altar was interesting. I never thought of my situation like that, but it is that way!@ My DIL and her family controlled all aspects of wedding, we were not even given opportunity to do rehearsal dinner (we were not invited to that anyway). We had a total of MAYBE 10 members of our family at the wedding, the Church was filled with all her FOO relatives and friends. Photos were the same, most all of her friends and family, one or two with DS family. I have never been given a copy of even one wedding photo, I have only what I took on my little camera. Things have not changed since that day either, we are excluded from all holidays and events..DIL's FOO gets all of it. I used to get so upset by these things, but now I just let it go. My son has been "removed" from his families lives, and so have his children. DIL has been trying to accomplish this for a dozen years...she got it done. No, I never did anything bad to DIL or said anything. Her entire family is like this, it is a pattern. He has to do as she wants even if he is not happy. His choice, he is a big boy! I refuse to pout or be unhappy forever, it won't change a thing. I enjoy other grandkids, I have friends, and a great job, and a very dear husband...life is good!!!

Gosh, this makes me feel like I was an angel DIL through the whole wedding process even though I was disrespected the whole way!  We still gave MIL half the guest list- they got as many invites as my family did.  PLUS, my parents paid for all of it- including their guests.  We didn't ask them for any contribution.  MIL offered to do a rehearsal dinner and we accepted, although I was very direct in that I did not expect her to pay for the rehearsal dinner, especially since this was my H's 2nd wedding and she had already paid for one before, and that technically she really didn't have to and we wouldn't be offended if she didn't.  She insisted and we were grateful.  I told her thank you (sincerely) several times and also sent her a thank you note.  I tried to include her and keep her in the loop with what we were planning- I even invited her to come with me to try on dresses with some of my bridesmaids.  I also asked her for a list of people she'd like me to send announcements to (We had a relatively small wedding- under 100 people) after the wedding for people who weren't close enough to be invited but still would appreciate the news.  It was a hefty list and I printed them out, addressed them, stamped them, and sent them out to all the people she asked me to.  I don't think I ever even got a thank you for that, nor did me or my parents get a thank you for hosting the wedding for her and her family and friends. 

Not to mention we tried to alternate holidays until we realized that wasn't even appreciated by the ILs...I suppose some people are never satisfied.

I feel like the best DIL in the world after reading your post!!!  LOL!  Thanks for the confidence boost, JaneF's DIL! 

[stilltryen]

@overwhelmed123 - I was a bit confused about your comment, "I don't think I ever even got a thank you for that, nor did me or my parents get a thank you for hosting the wedding for her family and friends."  What??  I would take exception to this, as I doubt very seriously that you and your family put together a wedding for "her family and friends."  I think you put the wedding on for you and your husband, or am I missing something here?

I never sent a thank you to DIL's parents for the wedding.  They never sent me one for the money we contributed nor for the rehearsal dinner - and I didn't expect one.  That being said, that was very thoughtful of you to send her a thank you card for the rehearsal.  You would get my vote for best DIL ever!