Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?

[luise.volta]

There are many ways to look at this. One is that it's their show. Sending love...

[Pen]

Sadmom--
I'm not attacking, but I am honestly asking.  Have you or your husband ever had any sort of verbal argument with your DIL or your DS involving your DIL?  ..... I'm not accusing you of doing anything like this, but truly and honestly sit down and think about anything that you or your husband may have said that may have come across as harsh or demeaning.  If you think of anything, that might explain why she wouldn't want you planning the wedding.

Please try to remember that young women now are bombarded with "WEDDING!" since they are young children, and most ladies have their ideal wedding planned in their heads long before they meet the groom.  Traditionally, the bride's family plans the wedding and many grooms families do feel left out.  It's a part of the process--and it's not fun. 

Ladyfirst, I know it's hard for a kind and sensitive DIL to comprehend, but many of us MILs here (and don't forget we were once young brides and DILs ourselves) have been suddenly, for no reason, cut off from our sons and DILs. Often it happens before the wedding, many times right after, sometimes with the birth of GC.

My DIL waited until after the wedding, probably because she needed some legal help as well as the groom's family's obligations paid for, to tell DS she hated us for who we were, not for anything we'd done. We had thought all was well since she was charming and accepting during their engagement. She did limit our guest list for the wedding, which should have been a tip-off of things to come, but DS stepped up and insisted that he should get to invite a few relatives and friends. Her FOO was livid, but what could they say? We'd paid for everything required by the groom's side according to today's etiquette.

DIL's FOO has quite a bit more financial resources than we, and planned a lavish affair that was way out of our budget. We had no say in the plans, just wrote the big checks and got cut off immediately thereafter.

[lancaster lady]

Some DIL 's cut off her IL's to make a statement .
He's mine now !!
Also they don't want any outside influences outwith her control !
I feel my DS is a changed man , I told him doesn't smile any more ...he said '' I know ''.
Rather than delve into things which don't concern me I left it at that . I hope he's going to be happy .
He's a daddy now and about to be married ,he's not allowed to visit on his own ,I was told by DIL we
are    a family unit ,we come together .
I realise that but he's been my son for 32 years ,does that count for anything?
My DIL goes to visit her FOO alone with my GC ,different rules for her .
Hopefully we will get round to discussing the wedding , I did ask if they wanted a contribution ,this was refused .   Makes you wonder what my DIL really wants .....as Laurie said .....fall of the end of the earth.......or swim upriver and drown ...think that was Pen .......
Still waiting for my invite to visit  ....don't hold your breath ...!

[Pen]

As I've said before, if a DH kept his DW from her FOO it would be considered spousal abuse. In fact, it's one of the signs professionals use when evaluating if abuse has occurred - is the victim cut off from family and friends? Etc. Why it isn't thought of as abuse when it's the other way 'round is beyond me.

LL, at least they didn't allow you to spend, spend, spend before telling you your new rules! My analogy was that we were now to "swim upstream and die" since, like salmon, we'd done our spawning of DS and that was all we were good for. I am so glad I wore something fabulous to the wedding and had a good time with our friends and relatives, the few that were allowed to come. DS insisted on a groom-mom dance, which probably didn't help, but I was glad he did. I'd be really bitter now if I'd worn some ugly MOTG monstrosity and played the role of old bat wallflower.

I'm still waiting for that invite, too. It's been more than a couple of years.

And yes, the rules are not equal for all, and I've yet to hear a rational reason why not. I have a suspicion that if we had different rules for DS vs DIL, perhaps regarding the amount of money we spent on their gifts, we would be chastised and vilified. Instead, DH & I take the high road and spend equally. When we've gotten cheap, heinous gifts from DIL we thank her and move on.

[holliberri]

Pen,

I think you and I have the same rules/taste in gift giving. I know it is the thought that counts, but some of the gifts I get scream, "I didn't think much of you..."

Are you sure you and DIL just don't come from two different backgrounds when it comes to buying gifts? I've been trying to flip a negative into a positive, and it seems to have helped me let MIL off the hook for some of the things I perceive as slights. I've noticed now that DD os hear that MIL doesn't put any thought into gifts she gets anyone, not just me. It has been a lot easier to take.

[luise.volta]

How sad to reflect on cheap, heinous gifts and see the effort that went into their selection.

[lancaster lady]

What gifts? I've never received a gift from  my future dil .! I've given plenty , but none in return .in.fact I've only.just realised that fact ......hmmm !

[Pen]

LL, it might be a blessing in disguise       I do think you need to stop. She's trying to tell you something. Spend that cash on yourself! I'm sure you can think of something fabulous...

Holliberri, if only it were true that DIL was from a different background. Alas, she has excellent taste & plenty of money. But it wasn't the amount of money spent, it was the lack of effort or thought. She bragged about she & FOO hitting the sales, and I have a feeling she grabbed any old thing just to cross me off the list. That year I spent big bucks on something DS assured me she'd love, but this year I scaled waaaayyy back. Still thought of her, but didn't spend so much.

I'm not a high-maintenance gal, and I don't have a calculator going in my head when I'm given a gift. I love handmade gifts, pretty rocks, jars of jam, a box of tea, for example. DIL's gift was definitely a way to show how little she thought of me.

Sorry I high-jacked the topic, but talking about how the rules are different for everyone reminded me of this. I'm all better now

[holliberri]

Let's start shopping for each other instead!

I'm in the process of making a quilt for MIL...it's kind of ornate and with school, work and baby, I am on year 2 of it! I scrambled to find her a vintage doll (a specific kind) I thought she would love. Found it! I gave it to her..."Heh," was the response.

My gifts? A cookbook with a nice handwritten note from her friend to HER. And...a bracelet in a box with a red square on the outer edges. I held it up to the light when I noticed a black marker line next to the top line of the red square...sure enough...it was from a friend of hers...to HER. I got a big song and dance about how she spent a long time looking for these and she thought they were just my style. So I can add a nice insult to my intelligence on top of the lovely gifts. I can only laugh about it...so I do appreciate the humor in it all!

[holliberri]

And LL...stop buying her gifts. I don't think you need to do anymore.

[Pen]

Holliberri, that's actually pretty funny. Do they think we're morons? That we'll never figure it out? SM is a famous re-gifter, but only to me and my DDD. She even re-gifts to us things we give her!

[holliberri]

Regifting is okay as long as you know the person will LOVE it (and I mean absolutely love it, just what they've been looking for), AND you absolutely have to be honest about it. Other than that, it's atrocious, and totally inappropriate for family members, whether by blood or marriage. 

[LaurieS]

I'd give her back the cookbook on her birthday with a smile and a story

[holliberri]

Oh, in my dreams...in my dreams...

[luise.volta]

Oh, Laurie! ROTFL