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Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?

Started by sadsadmom, November 23, 2010, 03:53:11 pm

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cd1029

Sounds awful for you.  I would not leave money in an envelope.  Go as a guest and enjoy yourself. 

dablacks

Hello Sadsadmom,
I would go to the wedding because if you do not, no one will remember why you went, only that you did not go.

I have a daughter who put her in laws first right from the start.  It's been 10 years and to tell you the truth it gets easier. I have learned to understand how it is and do not challenge anyone.  At the time of the wedding, the mother in law was very pushy, I knew at the time that my husband and I were paying for this wedding so she can say anything she wanted, we made the final decision.  Of course, they did a few undermining things, like parties that we were not invited too and I look back now and think, so what.  They can live how they want or to say it better, they have to live with themselves.

What I have read is true, if your son has not made a stand, he is not going to in the near future.  Accept it, pick out a very nice dress and enjoy the party like you would any party that you are invited too.  It might sound cold, but is reality that we must accept.

Merry Christmas and a very Happy year ahead.

neecee

Ditto for all the previous notes.  Take the message to heart and let it set the foundation for a different kind of relationship with son.  Buy a great dress a pedicure and some new "hair"(instead of paying money for a miserable party) and put DH in a nice suit.  Go and enjoy each other.  We didn't even get in any family pictures...nor did our guests.  And go on that cruise and get some additional use of the dress! 
We gave ourselves permission to grieve for a year.  We lived through the first holidays without our son and his new kids, and since then, it just gets better.  Hugs to you dearie.

penelope

sadsadmom~I wish you all the best and send big hugs~I cannot offer advice as i'm dealing with DIL issues to,I am new to this group and today I put their advice to use,and it worked~1 small victory for me~I took the high road as suggested~I hope it works for you as well~

dablacks

Hi sad mom,
How is it going? Have you placed yourself first and gone shopping for a dress?  We can't live our lives according to the rules of others.

A great BIG HUG to you....SO SHOPPING

lancaster lady

Hey SadMom.......
hope you're still with us .....
I have a wedding this year too .....now it looks as if I might go .

The date .....I found on FaceBook .
The Venue ....I found on Facebook .

And that's all I know so far ....so how's that compare with yours ?

Hopefully someone will fill me in soon .but I am the MIL and I am taking a back seat ,I don't want to
make any more waves than I have to now I am actually speaking to my future DIL ..
Happy Days ....lol


Pooh

I hope sadmom comes back and lets us know how things are going.  And HEY DABLACKS!  Glad to see you still lurking around in here too!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

I've been wondering about her, Pooh.

But, maybe if she's not back..it all worked out? I hope so! Still, I do like to be kept in the loop!  ;D

Pooh

Me either!  ;D  It's kind of ironic.  People come in here because of issues and sometimes just disappear.  Like you said, I hope that means that they don't need this forum any longer, but at the same time, you wish they would come back.

Some of us are like stinky cheese.....we just hang around.....hee hee
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

Do we get to pick which stinky cheese we are? I'm addicted to gjetost right now, which isn't very stinky. But I capital L love St. Andre from TJ's. It kinda does stink.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

holliberri


LaurieS

I caught myself holding the can of Kraft's Parmesan cheese to my face last night.. dh walked in and asked if I was serving spaghetti to go with that.  He said I ended up looking like a coke head gone bad. 

Pooh

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

ladyfirstdilsecond

Sadmom--
I'm not attacking, but I am honestly asking.  Have you or your husband ever had any sort of verbal argument with your DIL or your DS involving your DIL?  Has it even been small comments about her/them or let your DS know your opinions about her?  As a recent bride, I can tell you that my DH (and even when he was my BF) told me everything his mother said to him about me--and some of them sounded innocent enough until she said them many times.  It was clear, to me, that she didn't care much for me because she felt I was never going to be accepted into her family.  She actually told him that he needed to "put me in my place" by any means necessary, so she could do what she felt was right.  I'm not accusing you of doing anything like this, but truly and honestly sit down and think about anything that you or your husband may have said that may have come across as harsh or demeaning.  If you think of anything, that might explain why she wouldn't want you planning the wedding.

Please try to remember that young women now are bombarded with "WEDDING!" since they are young children, and most ladies have their ideal wedding planned in their heads long before they meet the groom.  Traditionally, the bride's family plans the wedding and many grooms families do feel left out.  It's a part of the process--and it's not fun. 

I ask because when my DH and I got engaged, my then-fiance had been trying to dis-entangle himself from his family for several years--many of which I was not a part of--as he felt his mother and grandmother's "devotion" to family was severely unhealthy and mostly a facade so they could continue to be pillars of the community.  My MIL said time and again that she didn't want to help with the wedding because she felt like nothing we (yes, we, not me--my DH had a huge hand in planning out wedding) had chosen at that point was "good enough" and we ran into her trying to undermine us at every turn (ie: the day she called the reception venue to tell them that we had broken off our engagement so to cancel our date--none of which was true).  So, eventually, we stopped asking her for her input because everything was met with negativity and undermining.

I don't think your son has been brainwashed or, as some ladies have stated, "declared war".  (That's inflammatory, IMHO and doesn't help you solve the situation.)  My MIL swore up and down we had "planned to exclude her" and wouldn't listen to her son when he told her that it was because of her own negativity.  No bride or groom wants their wedding marred by a negative nelly for months on end.  It seems more likely that your son just doesn't have an opinion about much of the wedding process--alot of younger men don't really care who does what--they just know they need to show up an say "I do".  My DH couldn't have cared less what colors we used, what we ate (as long as it was meat), or how everything worked.  He did have a much larger hand in choosing facilities, tuxes, guest list, etc.

I would sit down with BOTH of them, not just your son as many people suggest, and ask them what is going on.  Trust me on this one--by just asking your son, it will seem like you are undermining your DS's new family.  He has chosen his wife as his family and he will likely feel like you are trying to undermine and cause trouble if you ask just him.  It seems unlikely to me that they would flat-out tell you that you can't invite anybody--a more likely alternative is that they were so excited that they neglected that (among about 200 other) detail.  Perhaps they are just inviting family and if things are $120 a plate, family is enough!  Our wedding was only family and my MIL made up her own invitations to send to her friends and people my DH has never met with no offer to help pay for anything.  She then had to call all those people she invited who were not family to tell them that the couple didn't invite them and that she was sorry.  Don't do what she did...it's a bad idea.