October 20, 2019, 10:46:42 am

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Feeling left out in son's wedding plans, what should we do?

Started by sadsadmom, November 23, 2010, 03:53:11 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Sunny1

sadmom, I'm looking at this as a DIL who was paying for her own wedding, but my in-laws controlled and manipulated my DH to the point where our wedding was completely ruined by my MIL and SIL. The only thing that was my choice out of it, was my dress, which I purchased before my MIL could start her temper tantrums about "the way things should be" and "her family." I wasted thousands of dollars, and didn't even have a bouquet by the time it was all said and done. I realize that my situation is extreme, but I can promise you that if you start any type of war over the wedding, that you will never be forgiven for it.

I was a divorced, single mom for ten years when my DH and I got engaged. I had dreamed that if a man ever swept me off of my feet enough to marry again, that we would make it a simple wedding by driving about 8 hours with our immediate families only, and get married on a beach in the Carolina's. For ten years I dreamed about that...with my son as a ring bearer, and my twin sis at my side all barefooted in the sand. Simple, small and romantic. It turned out that I got engaged to a man who didn't even show up to his own college graduation, and I had know idea that his mother was like she was. Things started right away about his grandparents being not able to make the long drive, (though no one ever asked them if they could.) His mother insisted that we get married in a church, because it "wouldn't be christian otherwise." I complied, like and idiot, and it all went downhill from there. The entire thing ended up being about "their" family. She threw fits about everything but was absurdly hypocritical about.

Three years later, my husband and I are on the brink of divorce because he never had the cahones to set proper boundaries with her. I was more than willing to include their family and compromise things, but I was manipulated into compromising everything I wanted. It was a disaster. They never compromised once. Our wedding was a predecessor of what was to come. My feelings were always second to my MIL's constant "hurt feelings" over everything. They were always quick to point out that 'family is everything", but somehow managed to con my husband into thinking his own wife wasn't his new family. It was really warped. These supposed Christians somehow forgot what being a Christian was really all about.

It's a very delicate situation, sadmom. It's ridiculous that your son's future in-laws won't think of his family. That's purely selfish. Your son should be standing up for those in your family that should be invited, without making it a war. Marriage is full of compromises, and both sides have to be willing to bend.

Pooh

Sadmom, it sounds like you have offered many, and very good options in trying to resolve this and have been shot down at every turn. I have much respect for you as you are still continuing to seek solutions, even after being told no over and over again.  That takes a very strong person.

I do think you have done everything you can trying to find a solution to this, and with your Son unwilling to discuss it with you, I think it will be very hard for you to change anything at this point.  I love Laurie's advice on letting your Son know that you are disappointed that you can't invite a few important people to the event, and then it will be in his court to decide if he will discuss it with his bride and take a stand.  If he chooses not to, then he is telling her that it is ok to disrespect his FOO and setting a precedence for the years to come.  It also shows that she has no desire to participate or include his FOO in their life. 

If nothing changes, then I am with you and everyone else on attending the wedding.  You need to attend, look fabulous and smile the entire time.  If you do not, then that will give them ammunition to say later, "Why should we visit, they wouldn't even attend our wedding?"  I know that sounds harsh of me, but that's what will happen I'm afraid.  I also wouldn't leave any money for the event and use it on something for yourselves.  You had no choice on the amount per person that they were willing to pay, so that was their decision and not something you should feel guilty about. 

I know that many people here are advocating, don't give up, keep trying.  And I am not saying that you should give up.  But I think all of us here have learned that you can't change people.  They have to be willing to change, and want to.  And no matter how hard you try, if you Son is not willing to stand up his family and himself, then you can't make him.  You will just be met with resentment and if he tells his bride and she tells her Mom, then it will just fester from there.  So make your disappointment known to your Son, then find an incredible dress, a great pair of shoes, get your hair done, a manicure and pedicure and know that you matter.

Lots of hugs!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Scoop

Sad, that sounds just awful about your DS's IL's.  He's buying into a hard life.  Sadly, I don't think you can do anything about it.

Here's what I would do, I would give DS a list of address of close relatives and friends of the family (try and keep the list fairly small because if they accept, you will probably have to pay for these guests).  And just give it to him, saying explicitly that *of course* he gets to choose who he invites to HIS wedding, but you wanted to give these to him so that he would have them ready.  Or "tee hee" maybe he wants to send Christmas cards to some of these people!  Bwa-ha-ha!  (Meaning that you're laughing at the very idea of him sending Christmas cards, because you know that's not his thing.)

Then change the subject, because it's over, you'll have done everything you can (hopefully) without damaging your relationship.  But do keep talking, don't leave a big silence waiting for him to fill it.  You've planted the seed, now give it time to grow.

Please, please don't give them $240 in an envelope at the wedding.  It will be taken as an insult and they will take that ball and run with it.

Part of me thinks that you should take whatever you would have (comfortably) spent on the wedding and gift it to them "to help them get started as a family of their own".  But please only do this if you can accept that you likely won't get any return on your investment.  Do it only if you think it's 'right' and for your own sake.

I'm sorry that your son's wedding is starting out like this. 

pam1

Hmmm...we were similar to Sunny.  We didn't want anyone paying and we didn't want a huge big white wedding.  We got our wishes overturned by compromising a little too much.  But that's my story.

Do they want a small wedding?  I would give a list to DS but I'd also find out their vision about the wedding too.  My MIL was convinced that she was being left out and it was personal to her but everyone was being left out lol.  We didn't need help planning or with money or making decisions.  It was crystal clear what DH and I both wanted so there was really nothing for MIL to do or organize/be responsible for.   Yes, my mom had a little more active role as my mother....she got to go to my dress fittings, MIL wanted to go too and then she wanted to bring her entourage (3 sisters and 2 daughters) b/c it was "traditional" in their family for all females to be there despite my extreme discomfort lol. 

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pooh

See that is exactly where I think some MILs mess up. (Not talking about anyone here personally).  I know that this day is about the Bride.  And it very well should be IMHO.  It should be her day, her time to shine.  I never, ever would have asked to attend a fitting.  And I wouldn't have expected her to ask me.  I think this is the time when a Mother and Daughter get to spend quality, fun time together and that it should be their time.  I wouldn't want to make any decisions regarding the wedding (colors, place, time, food, etc.) as I think that is all personal choices of the Bride.  I think many MILs forget that this is how it should be.  For those that include the MIL in the processes, they are the lucky ones.

But what amazes me too is the inability of some DILs or their Mothers to also understand that the MOG doesn't want to be completely left out.  Including her in some of the plans is not asking much.  I don't even have a problem with them giving her a number of people she can invite.  I specifically asked my FDIL if I had a limit, and if so, how many?  The reason we felt left out was not because we wanted to be invited or included on all the decisions.  It was things like 10 minutes prior to the wedding, we didn't know if we were supposed to sit down, or were being walked down because they didn't tell us anything.  She never would tell me what color dress she would like to see me in until 5 days before, and by then it was too late.  I had already purchased on by that time since I had been asking for 3 months.  She had 100's of pictures taken of her family and them, but 1 of us.  Little things that said to us, "You are only here because I had to."

For shame on all the MILs that don't give the DIL room to have their day.  And for shame on all the DILs that leave the MOG out in the cold.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

sadsadmom

Thank you very, very much for all your posts.
My son is coming tonight to have dinner with us and I'll be having a very calm and honest conversation with him.
Lets hope for the best. I'll keep you post. Thanks again.

luise.volta

We'll be there...tucked into a little pocket over your heart.  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

LaurieS

And if that doesn't work out for you.. bring him here, surely we can pound some sense into him :)   Everything will work out and you'll always be there for him .. he's a lucky guy, I hope he knows it.

Pooh

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Nana

Pooh.....
excellent post.....I love it.

Good advice for mils...."give dil  room to have their day"
for dils  "Dont leave MOG out in the cold.

Balance women.....

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

MISS_U

Quote from: sadsadmom on November 23, 2010, 03:53:11 pm
they don't want any type of contribution (not even gifts) and that we are not supposed to invite anyone also.
It was very clear that they are paying for everything, they are in control of everything, and we don't have anything to do with the matter.

Except for the gift part, that is exactly DH and I told MIL/FIL. It was our wedding. We had it planned a week later and were married seven months. We invited 76 people, his family consisted 16 and mine is much larger. We each invited 38 people. All of mine but 4-5 were  a few close relatives, he invited his whole family while friends and coworkers made up the rest.

LaurieS

Quote from: MISS_U on November 24, 2010, 11:00:47 pm
Quote from: sadsadmom on November 23, 2010, 03:53:11 pm
they don't want any type of contribution (not even gifts) and that we are not supposed to invite anyone also.
It was very clear that they are paying for everything, they are in control of everything, and we don't have anything to do with the matter.

Except for the gift part, that is exactly DH and I told MIL/FIL. It was our wedding. We had it planned a week later and were married seven months. We invited 76 people, his family consisted 16 and mine is much larger. We each invited 38 people. All of mine but 4-5 were  a few close relatives, he invited his whole family while friends and coworkers made up the rest.

Hey as long as you were willing to accept gifts.. all is good.

I could be mistaken but I think SadMom was implying that not all the grooms family was going to be invited. 

It's officially Turkey Day... Happy Holidays everyone

Faithlooksup

Hi!!  Just go to the wedding with a smile on your face and pride in your Heart--you are their for you Son... If you do not go this will be a regret that you will have to live with for the rest of your life.  Just ask your son if their is anything you can help with--and leave it at that...  Blessings to you.

pam1

Quote from: Pooh on November 24, 2010, 09:39:57 am
See that is exactly where I think some MILs mess up. (Not talking about anyone here personally).  I know that this day is about the Bride.  And it very well should be IMHO.  It should be her day, her time to shine.  I never, ever would have asked to attend a fitting.  And I wouldn't have expected her to ask me.  I think this is the time when a Mother and Daughter get to spend quality, fun time together and that it should be their time.  I wouldn't want to make any decisions regarding the wedding (colors, place, time, food, etc.) as I think that is all personal choices of the Bride.  I think many MILs forget that this is how it should be.  For those that include the MIL in the processes, they are the lucky ones.

But what amazes me too is the inability of some DILs or their Mothers to also understand that the MOG doesn't want to be completely left out.  Including her in some of the plans is not asking much.  I don't even have a problem with them giving her a number of people she can invite.  I specifically asked my FDIL if I had a limit, and if so, how many?  The reason we felt left out was not because we wanted to be invited or included on all the decisions.  It was things like 10 minutes prior to the wedding, we didn't know if we were supposed to sit down, or were being walked down because they didn't tell us anything.  She never would tell me what color dress she would like to see me in until 5 days before, and by then it was too late.  I had already purchased on by that time since I had been asking for 3 months.  She had 100's of pictures taken of her family and them, but 1 of us.  Little things that said to us, "You are only here because I had to."

For shame on all the MILs that don't give the DIL room to have their day.  And for shame on all the DILs that leave the MOG out in the cold.


ITA, Pooh.

The thing is that some people can't be reasonable.  If I had told MIL the color dress, she would have complained about that.  She complained about all the wedding colors in every.single.wedding of her children's and nieces/nephews.  With some people it's not going to matter how much you give or bend, it's not going to be enough.   
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

SunnyDays09

Quote from: sadsadmom on November 23, 2010, 03:53:11 pm
My son will be getting married early next year. My husband and I don't have a bad relationship w/ him or his fiance (so far). They have been living together for 2 years and seemed fine. Now that they are getting married, we invited her and her family for a dinner, just to celebrate and talk about the arrangements of the wedding ceremony and offer any contribution to the wedding. We were told that they don't want any type of contribution (not even gifts) and that we are not supposed to invite anyone also.
It was very clear that they are paying for everything, they are in control of everything, and we don't have anything to do with the matter. We felt very hurt, just shut up and swallowed because we didn't want to create a conflict. But we also don't feel comfortable attending the wedding either, since the mother of the bride made clear that she is paying 120.00 for each guests to be at the reception. We even feel that we are costing her 240.00 dollars.
We still didn't get to talk to our son after the meeting and don't really know how to approach the situation. My son seems to be totally under their control. We are just surprised to find out that they are 2 control freaks and just don't know what to say or do. WE definitely don't want to go to the wedding, but don't know how to tell this to him. PLEASE HELP.



  If I had to do it over again? Taking it from MY circumstance/my story -  I would have called the police right there at the hair salon and made out reports for the burnings my daughter and I received at the bridal hair thing.  Then, I SHOULD have taken daughter to the emergency room at the local hospital, had them photograph the burn on her scalp and had it treated.  If we didn't make it in time?  Oh well.  I think bridey and her mother intended on the two of us missing the thing anyway.   
  I look back on the events, the months --years--leading up to "it" and it amazes me that I didn't crack.  Not one mean word.  Not one nasty payback.  I made it thru the whole event.  I sat like a mouse thru all of it.  Quietly.  I didn't even flinch when I was to find that the ex (son's bio dad missing in his life for umpteen years)  was going to be on my left and my husband who paid for my son's EVERYTHING - would be on my right to walk into the reception hall.  What a crock.

My suggestion?  Send them a congrats card.  No money.  Take the money and go on the most amazing trip.  Take tons of pics.  Or,move and don't give them a forwarding address.  They will be fine without you.  They already let you know how much you are NOT needed in their lives. 

Ooops a side note: a light did go off a couple weeks before the thing.  I had told them their other *shower* gift from  stepfather and I could possibly be a new mattress set, perhaps?  Stepdad and I DID pay for what the groom's fam pays for - except for boutonnieres.  MOB grabbed those up for some insane reason - then Bridey asked if we would pick up the tab for ALL OF THE FLOWERS at church/reception.  I declined.  You see, you can't really be in control of flowers...you just pay the $5000 or whatev and throw them all away.  But HER family CONTROLLED EVERYTHING.  The photos, the music, the table settings - I loved being right next to the speakers...I was a bit hurt when mob told the dj not to play any of my family's music requests "they aren't paying for it...we are".  I don't know what this cretin meant for her EXHUSBAND paid for it all...not her!  But this deranged woman was in control of it all. 
  So, instead of giving them that gift as well as the $$$$ for the honeymoon trip--I used it on myself.  Fillers, botox and lasers.  I looked amazing.    :)