Was done....NOW totally done

[elsieshaye]

Way ahead of you, Laurie!  I stopped buying Jet Dry a few years ago and have been using white vinegar in the receptacle ever since.  It does a great job!

[Pen]

Yes, white vinegar in many kinds of receptacles keeps things "sparkling," or so I've heard. (JK ya, Laurie.) Happy fresh & clean Thanksgiving, everyone!

[Pooh]

Thought I would give you an update on what transpired over Thanksgiving and last week.  Well DS and DIL never showed, nor called or anything.  (Big surprise face).  But me and DH had a wonderful time with my parents then went that evening to his Mother's for their Thanksgiving and to see all his family.  Good times.

So we were leaving for the cruise in two days, so I got on my FB the day after Thanksgiving.  My DS and DIL are both gone from my page.  My DS's page is totally gone and she has unfriended me.  So I bit the bullet and called my DS.  We talked for a few minutes and then I told him I wanted to know what was going on.  He said, "What do you mean?"  I told him I noticed the FB pages and also his not responding about Thanksgiving.  He said that he never received a text from me about Thanksgiving and that they were having issues from some stupid people on FB, so he had killed his page.  He said DIL was removing everyone but her Mom and Brother from hers.  So I verified with him, "So it has nothing to do with Me or anyone on our side of the family?"  He said no, just stupid people.  So I told him that I was sorry he had not received my text and that I was afraid of that so I had also emailed DIL with the information and had not heard back from her either.  He said that she never told him about the email, so he didn't know what was going on.  So I told him it was fine, and then I reinterated to him that I knew how hard holidays were when you had multiple family functions and in the future, please just let us know their plans so we can plan ours too.  That I would never be upset with them for not attending, that I totally understood how hard it was to accomodate everyone.  He said he would.  I also let him know we were not doing Christmas as normal (what I had let DIL know in the email) and that if they would let us know when they were available (weekend before, weekend after, etc.) we would try to schedule something with their MeMaw.  Again, he said he would. So we talk for about an hour on other things in his life.

We go on our cruise, come back a week later and quess what?  DIL has only eliminated my side of the family (their were about 10 of us on her page).  No one else.  So instead of getting angry, I sent my son a text.  It said, "I am still not sure what is going on, but I want you to know that it has become obvious that you have an issue with our side of the family.  Some day, when you are ready to tell what, I would like to hear it.  Until then, know that I will always love you. Mom."

Within 3 seconds I get a text back saying, "What do you mean?"  I sent back, "Only our side of the family has been eliminated from DILs page.  That doesn't match the story you told me a week ago."  He sent back, "I swear Mom, that is what she told me she was going to do.  I don't know why she didn't.  I will ask her."  I sent back one last text that said, "No, don't ask her.  It is her page and she has a right to do what she wants on it.  Just know I love you."  He sent back, "I love you too Mom."

So, I can honestly say now that I am at peace with the situation.  I called and asked if something was wrong.  I let him know that I love him and that whatever they decided to do on their holidays were fine with us, just to let us know.  I am hoping to hear from them over the next week, to make some kind of plans with his MeMaw, but if we don't, so be it. 

[luise.volta]

My take: you have been, patient, understanding, fair and kicked to the curb. I admire you deeply. Sending love...

[Pooh]

Thanks Luise.  My YS is coming in 8 days! So I am very much looking forward to that!

[LaurieS]

And Pooh, you have a fabulous caring loving and fun husband. Who I might add.. takes you on cruises.  DIL will walk around with her panties in a twist until she realizes it's not making her life comfortable.   Your son sounds like a great guy, and surly he would have married someone with some great qualities as well.. you just might have to wait awhile longer to see them    

[Pen]

Pooh, you are a class act. Enjoy your visit with your YS. Here's hoping everything with your other son will get straightened out, but in the meantime you're moving ahead with your life. Good for you!

[Pooh]

Thanks Pen!  You guys are such a help.  I took the suggestions of calling him and I feel better about it.  Don't know if he lied to me, or she lied to him, or what....but I can say now that I tried to resolve it.  In their court now.

Laurie, he always was a great guy.  Great in school, good athelete, never caused me any problems, and in general, a son to be proud of.  You may be right.  She may have some great qualities....somewhere.......

[MLW07]

I took the suggestions of calling him and I feel better about it.  Don't know if he lied to me, or she lied to him, or what....but I can say now that I tried to resolve it.  In their court now.

I am not sure why he would lie to you, at least I hope he isn't; as far as his wife goes who knows.  Obviously something is going on in his family unit.  I'm sorry you and yours are being kicked out.  Maybe they will have a change of heart...if not maybe he will come around.  I wish you and everyone on this board a very Merry Christmas!

[Pooh]

Thank you MLW!  Merry Christmas to you too!

My YS just called to tell me me that he was still planning on being here the 22nd, and was laughing about his brother.  He said he had talked to his brother last night and that he was complaining about his MIL.  Told him that he was tired of being dragged over there every other day and her bossing him around.  That she was constantly at the house and dogging him about everything and that DIL wasn't doing anything about it.  My YS told him, "stop being a doormat".  So I am beginning to think that my first assumption months ago, was probably correct.  My family does not pressure them into anything and leaves them alone, so I think he doesn't worry about us getting upset.  Not excusing his behavior towards us, but sounds like he has his hands full.  Hopefully, he will step up and learn.

[Barbie]

Pooh,

My DS has admitted to me a few times that his hands are full and that he's doing the best he can. I also hope that he will step up and learn, the sooner the better.

How did you like your cruise?

[Pooh]

I'm still mentally learning Barbie.  I was so used to him talking to me about anything growing up, that I think it is just a shock that we don't talk any more.  My DH said something last night that stuck with me.  He said, "You do realize that you and him discussed what a difficult time he would have with some of her traits and her Mother's interferring ways, before they got married, and he didn't want to hear it or agree with it.  All he cared about was how much he loved her. Now that he is in the middle of it, and the issues are surfacing, he can't talk to you about it because he either has to admit you were right, and he was wrong...or that he didn't want to hear it, and now he's having trouble with it.  Either way, he probably feels stupid about the problems he is having now and doesn't want to admit them to you.  He always respected you and to admit to you now that he is having the very issues that you tried to warn him about, would to be admitting he was wrong and he is afraid of disappointing you.  He is trying to deal with them in his own way to show you that he can.  I bet one day, when he resolves his issues, he'll be back."  I knew I married that man for good reason! Lol.

The cruise was wonderful Barbie, thank you.  We both enjoyed it so much, we are already ready to plan another one.  I really do know what all the fuss is about now about cruises.  I would go again tomorrow!

[SunnyDays09]

  It's going to take some time, Pooh.  And alot of strength on your part.  You will never get the answers, for they are locked up deep inside the dil.  There would be no need for sites like this if dils/mils spoke to each other about things bothering them.
   I am a big believer in supporting and loving those that support and love you back.  Your son is on a new journey with her.   It sounds to me as if he is just trying his best.  Personally, I would NOT text, email or call anymore unless it is to return their call.  If he needs to be with his family, nothing will get in the way.  Give it some time. 

DIL has some issues.  Maybe she is this way with everyone?  Not to give a simple rsvp means she wont commit. It's very rude to our generation, for we were brought up differently.  My 25 year old dd still replies on her own to her invitations AND sends handwritten thank yous (I have lots to learn from her )   My son was similar to your dil in his behavior.  He feels the world owes HIM, but gives back nothing.   Silly games.  Don't ask them anymore.  Dont include them.  If mom wants to know she will have to call.  Even then there isn't a guarantee an rsvp will be given.  You did say dil removed the entire side of his family from face book?  Seems a bit harsh to me.  Rude and  combative.  But you don't need to go on worrying about it. Let her go.

If they show up, they can sit in the LR and watch TV if there just isn't enough food prepared for them.  Even young children need to learn consequences to bad behavior.  But let MOM tell them she never received a reply to the invite and therefore  didn't prepare for them but would have if they would just have called her to let her know.  Throw it all back on them.  Even if your ds is between a rock and a hard place he's gonna have to wiggle out of it soon, or have NO family on his side to turn to, if need be.  People can only take so much.

Good luck to you.  Hope it all works out for your family. 








 

[Pooh]

Thanks HappyDays.  Great advice in there and that is what I have decided to do.  I have put it in his court now and I am leaving it at that.

And to answer your question about is DIL like this with everyone?  Yes, she is, except her own immediate family.  She doesn't have any close friends, and doesn't want him to either.  She did boot everyone on my side, so I think it may be a reaction to what is going on with them.  I can see if he is putting his foot down about her Mother and things with her family (as he told his brother) where she would retaliate by saying, "Well then I don't want anything to do with yours!"  Not that she ever really has, but thus the boot of everyone off of FB.  I think now there is more going on between them then we are aware of and that is what is driving much of this.

Thank you so much for the input and advice, and I plan on following it.

[MrsKitty]

My DH said something last night that stuck with me.  He said, "You do realize that you and him discussed what a difficult time he would have with some of her traits and her Mother's interferring ways, before they got married, and he didn't want to hear it or agree with it.  All he cared about was how much he loved her. Now that he is in the middle of it, and the issues are surfacing, he can't talk to you about it because he either has to admit you were right, and he was wrong...or that he didn't want to hear it, and now he's having trouble with it.  Either way, he probably feels stupid about the problems he is having now and doesn't want to admit them to you.  He always respected you and to admit to you now that he is having the very issues that you tried to warn him about, would to be admitting he was wrong and he is afraid of disappointing you.  He is trying to deal with them in his own way to show you that he can.  I bet one day, when he resolves his issues, he'll be back."  I knew I married that man for good reason! Lol.

Hi Pooh.
I just wanted to say that you married a smart man--good for you! I also wanted to share something that happened in my marriage that might shed some light for you or other ladies on the board.

My DH is close to his mom and used to go to her for advice on pretty much every decision he made. I really didn't mind this when we were dating because, frankly, I didn't think it was any of my business (and strangely enough she and I pretty much agree about 99% of the time--so it was never an issue of what I think versus what she thinks--it was usually what she and I think versus what DH thinks LOL!). So, right before our wedding, DH went to his mom about a MAJOR life decision. He didn't discuss this decision with me at all and he basically made the decision with his mom and then came home and told me how it was going to be. Then, he lied about the fact that he had made the decision with his mom, claiming that he had come to this major life decision all on his own. BIG MISTAKE! I felt so betrayed--like my husband to be and his mother were the couple who were building a life together and I was on the outside looking in. Needless to say, I nearly broke up with him a few months before our wedding. That behavior told me that he was not ready to be married and make decisions about his life with his wife (me) rather than his mother.

Well, after some major fighting and therapy, DH came to understand that when you get married, you make decisions with your wife as a team. You may solicit outside opinions (if both of you agree to solicit these opinions), but the final decision on kids, where to live, jobs, lifestyle, etc. is made between the two of you (not the three of you).

So, for about 2 years DH was pretty scared to ask his mom ANYTHING. Not because I was telling him "you'd better not ask HER, buster!" But, rather, because he didn't quite understand how to make a balance of talking to me about something and then if we both agreed, soliciting advice and then making the final decision with just the two of us (essentially his behavior went from one extreme to the other--asking advice on EVERYTHING to asking advice on NOTHING). Now, his behavior has swung back to a reasonable level of talking to mom, but understanding that WE are the ones who are in this marriage together and we are the ones who make the decisions about our life together.

So, I think that as time moves on, you might find that your DS will feel more comfortable navigating his marriage and his relationship with you as he feels more confident that he is building a strong foundation for his marriage. It is hard on the men sometimes to figure out that balance. Good luck!