well their doing it!!

[erma]

well, their doing it!! I'm not a happy camper about it either! I'm a crappy hamper! earlier this year i wrote about my ds and dil walking away from their home and ,moving in with dil's parents. my ds said "no" they decided not to do that. that was about 2 months ago. then, while we were at their house last nite, dil's mother comes over with a truck load of boxes, unannounced of coarse, and bursts in the door, "here you are! i brought you a truck load of boxes for your move, you can pack them and put in the basement and........blah blah blah........" not only was that an awkward moment for us, and for ds, i thought to myself of coarse, "wow, she gets to come over anytime she wants unannounced, talk about double standards"  ok, now I'm quite upset! not really that their moving anymore, but that they lied!! AGAIN!!!!
so all i have to say about this is, good luck with that one.
i would maybe feel different if they hadn't lied to me about it.  no, maybe not. i don't know, I'm upset my son has lost all his morals, and I'm upset their moving in with her parents. but that can go either way, either they will form a tighter bond, or maybe he will see how demeaning they really are. and then what about our gc? how will he deal in all of this?
i hate when I'm full of fear. the what ifs are just that. what if......
ok ladies, what now??  see, i just knew the other shoe was going to drop!

[Pooh]

Don't let fear rule you Erma.  You didn't create the problem, you didn't condone the problem and it's not your job to fix it.  It's their choice and even though we all know it's a bad one, they have made it.

I know you are angry, scared and a crappy hamper, and rightfully so, because we hate to see the people we love make bad decisions.  I know you are worried about the gc and this is very hard for you.  But you can do this!  You got this! 

Big Hugs!

[kathleen]

Erma,

I, too, had a lying son.  If he had been Pinochio growing up, several generations of birds would have nested in his nose.

Very little is worse than a lying child because you absolutely never know what the truth is, and this creates horrible uncertainty, and uncertainty is one of the very worst and most stressful situations human beings have to live with.

For me, the fear didn't stop until I started saying no to my son and DIL and refusing to enable their behavior any longer. 

I found out he was lying to his wife.  Probably she also lies to him, a little two-person Liars Club.

So now the other shoe has dropped and that's good.  At least now you know you'll probably never get the truth.  I was listening to a report
about Madoff and the psychological expert said, "The first person a con man cons is himself."  The first person a liar lies to is him/herself, then, I think they sometimes almost believe it when they are telling lies to others. 

Now, you just take everything with a grain (or a whole box of grains of) salt.
That's all you can do until your son gets caught in a lie so bad it hurts him where he is capable of feeling, and his nose starts to grow trees and he's sick of the birds and decides to change.  Otherwise, you are going to drive yourself crazy and I mean crazy if you don't accept that for now this is who he is, and move on.

I hate liars.  I hate lies.  And I hate the fear that lying brings to the listener who so needs to be able to believe the teller of the lies.

I've always thought it just might partly be a game, just to see what the reaction will be.  You know, the old pulling the wings off flies.  Just to do it.

I feel angry and upset for you because I've been there, but angry and upset doesn't get it done.  Just know I feel for you.

Living well is the best revenge,

Kathleen

[luise.volta]

A "Crappy Hamper?" Oh, I have to write that one down!!!  Sending love...

[Faithlooksup]

LOL Luise, I had to giggle at that one...

Hi Erma,  Ok, so the other shoe dropped~now just kick it to the side and leave it lay there.  I am sorry your son could not be truthful with you, he may have not wanted to hear anymore about anything...No, I am not excusing him from his "Tall Tale", but none the less what has been done, has been done.    For your own sake step out of the circle and let them live their lives as how they see fit, they will only learn that way.  We hate to see our children fall, stumble and struggle, but that is also what will make them stronger thru life...
It either will...or will not work.....Just sit back and watch the show.
You had mentioned that 2 months ago your son said they were not going to move, could it be possible that they changed their minds "again" and you were not told?  "Just playing devils advocate here."  You never know....
Let your fears go Erma, there is nothing you can do, except let it go and carry on..We live and learn.
Sending Hugs your way...Faith

[luise.volta]

WWU War Cry: Bring it on, 2011!!!!!  The year of ME!!!!!!

[Nana]

Yes Ladies...we all deserve a great 2011 and we will have it.  It all depends on us....our decision.

Good luck to you all and the best for you and your family.

Salud
(cheers)

Love

[erma]

wondering what happened to my post.......

[luise.volta]

I was impressed with what you had to say about 2011 that I split the post and transferred it to War Cry 2011! It is under Grab Bag!  (I hope I did it correctly...I'm no e-whiz!  )

[LaurieS]

Hey Erma.. I can feel your frustration.  Lies are so unnecessary and only hurt everyone around you.  It's obvious that you are being held at arms length and dared to cross invisible boundaries, while there are absolutely no boundaries for your dil's family.

Unfortunately there is not anything that you can say or do at this point, their decision has been made.  With time you may accept their decisions, but I know that you will never accept the lies.  I hope your son and his wife come to their senses concerning how to communicate with you before they lose every ounce of trust that you have for them.

[JaneF]

Wow, I can again relate to an issue that is being discussed here...imagine that. I know it is upsetting to have a son turn out to be a "liar", when you know he was not raised that way. I recently experienced the very same ordeal with ds and dil. Instead of trying to be adults and take care of themselves (he has a good job)...they lied and told everyone they "bought" a house, and was bragging how they were so much better than others and take care of their own blah, blah...when in truth they moved in with her recently divorced mom who got that house in the divorce and it is paid for! I am sure this will benefit my ds and dil a great deal!!! More money they can spend on season tickets for football, eating out, expensive cell phones and video games and systems and casino...no rent or house payments! Not to mention free child care (live-in) even!!!!! This lady is not doing them any favors by enabling them to be moochers, but that is her problem now isn't it? My ds and dil have nothing to do with us because we don't give them enough, or do for them enough...and dil's family coddles them and gives them hand outs constantly (and they still whine because they don't have more). I guess a relationship with ds and dil and grandaughters has to be PURCHASED! Sorry...I refuse to play into that game, hope they all live happily ever after!!! lol I say if your son and dil want to be liars, let them. If they make bad choice and ruin their credit and walk away from responsibilities, it is they that will suffer the consequences later. Especially if living with the relatives does not work out! But I'd sure let them suffer those consequences! School of hard knocks might be the best teacher for them! Blessings to you, and may you have peace and joy in your life.

[LaurieS]

That was the school that I went to Jane.  I was hell bent on learning everything the hard way, and I think it made me a better parent in the end.  Some come out on the other end enlightened and some wallow in the slime they helped to create.  But I fully agree that they need to be left to deal with the consequences when that day comes.  No giving in, no putting a band-aid on the boo boo and making it all better.