Was done....NOW totally done

[Pooh]

I haven't been here the last three weeks for many reasons.  I have been very busy at work mainly, but also because I have been fighting with myself over my DS and DIL.  I had taken the attitude a couple of months ago, that I wasn't going to worry about them any longer, and psssshhh on them.  I had not cut them off, just wasn't contacting them and leaving them alone. Not that I bothered them, but I had been texting my son at least once a week just asking how things were going.  I finally realized that they never initiated contact and that I had not seen them in almost a year, so I decided I was done being the initiator. 

But, a couple of things happened that has just caused me so much anger at both of them that I needed a cooling off period.  My Mother has always viewed Thanksgiving as her favorite holiday.  She has always cooked Thanksgiving lunch and there is always around 15 of us there.  My sons were raised attending it, and then we would go to my MILs for dinner.  DIL has attended every since she was a girlfriend, and last year as a wife.  I was very disappointed in their behavior last year, as they walked in the door 5 minutes prior to eating, ate and then as all the women in the family were helping clean up, my DIL plopped down on the couch with all the men and didn't even offer to help.  Ok, so although I was disappointed in that behavior, not a requirement...I just found it very rude of them.

So for the first time ever in my 43 years, my Mother let me know 3 weeks ago, that my brother and his family could not attend this year.  Plus his two kids, both had babies about 3 months ago and are not up for the trip (it is about 14 hours for all of them).  I know she was disappointed, but she understood.  So I told her, well Mom, there is no sense in you going to all that work for just you and Dad, me and DH and my DS and DIL.  Don't worry about it.  She then very quietly said, "I still want to cook.  I love Thanksgiving."  So I told her that me and DH would come if she still wanted to do it and that I would verify with DS and DIL.

So I text my son that evening and this was the exact text, "XXXXX and their family are not going to be able to make Thanksgiving this year, but your MeMaw still wants to cook and do it.  Me and DH are attending and MeMaw wants to make sure you guys are still planning on coming, so she can plan food quantities.  Are you and XXXXX planning on coming this year?"
(And on a sidenote, DILs family does Thanksgiving at 6:00 p.m. so it has never been an issue)

So, I get no answer.  I wait a few days, then I emailed my DIL and asked the same question.  Also, in the meantime, our Christmas plans this year got all changed around.  Long story short, my brother's wife wants to do Christmas at her parents this year and they live about 3 hours from all of us.  So they invited everyone to her Mom's on Christmas.  That shortens the trip for those with little babies too and makes it easier on about 10 people.  So my Mother called and asked me if it would hurt our feelings if they went down there and did Christmas instead of my Mother's (again, something that has never been done in my 43 years...Lol).  I just laughed because I know my Mother wants to see those great-grandbabies!  So I told her no, it would be fine, but we would not be able to attend because we already had commitments for Christmas evening with my DH's family.  But that we would get with her before or after Christmas.  No biggie and that she needed to go!  So she asked me to extend that invitation to DS and DIL as well, even though we know normally they have family plans with her parent's on Christmas night.  So I included that in the email as well, that they were invited too but that I knew that they normally have plans with her family that evening.  But, if they wanted to go, just let me know so we could give my SIL a final count for her parents.  And if they couldn't or didn't want to, let me know if the weekend before or after would be good to plan something with their MeMaw.

It has been three weeks and neither one of them have answered.  No response period on Thanksgiving or Christmas. 

Now, this is why I am so angry.  I have grown used to them being rude to me.  I have come to the point in my life where I have made peace with that and just let it go.  But now...they are being rude to my Mother!  My Son's MeMaw who has always been there for them.  The person that opened her entire home to them last year for their wedding.  The person that has never said or done anything to them.  I am about furious!!!!  I did not raise my Son to be a rude person, and definately not to his own MeMaw! 

So my Mother calls me yesterday and wants to know how many are coming.  I told her I had not heard from them, so just plan on it being the 4 of us.   I am so done with their rudeness.  And that is what it is, plain and simple.  It has been 3 weeks and they can not even send a simple text saying, "Yes, we are coming or no we are not?"   Yes, I am angry.

[Scoop]

You know Pooh, people are weird.  We had a poster on here a while ago who complained about being invited by a third party.  So is it possible that your DIL & DS have developed this "need" to be actually invited by your Mom?

Because a text can't always be answered right away (DIL and DS would want to consult with one another) but then it goes down the list of 'recent texts' and there's no reminder.

I'm betting that the answer is "no" and DIL wants DS to be the one to say it, but DS is too chicken, so he's putting it off.

I think you should have your Mom call them and put them on the spot.  I think there should absolutely be NO repercussions on them for saying 'no', but you can feel free to lambaste DS for dawdling on the answer.  That's just rude.

[erma]

hi pooh,
i hear your anger. i was in your shoes a few weeks ago with my ds and dil. only thing different was, my ds and dil didn't come to his GM last holiday, ever! they did however give me and answer, which i now wish i wouldn't have heard, they missed his memaws last holiday, FOR SHOPPING!!
it hurts deeply when my ds ignores all his family, and family values, for hers. she even went as far one year, to tell me, "my family does this every year, WE have family traditions"   
oh, apparently we don't???
what a shame, I'm sorry pooh. i have to believe that what comes around goes around, i just wish ds had more of a spine when it came to "his family traditions" but i have seen what he must endure if he stands up to her, and its unbearable, for him and me.
i never want to believe it will be this way (her way or no way) forever, but I'm afraid it will be. each year, he falls away a little more, and each year he takes a piece of my heart with him. i cry, i fall apart, i deal, adjust, and wait for the next ground shaker.
hugs to you...............

[Pooh]

You could be right Scroop about the 3rd party thing, but that is how it has always been.  My Mother is not tech-savvy, doesn't even own a cell phone or have a computer.  They have not contacted her since last Christmas and bought a house 10 minutes away from her in May.  My Mother is the most unobtrusive person you have ever met and I have always been the hub of information for everyone because my brother, kids, neices and nephews all like emails and text. 

If they have developed this need, then they need to communicate it to someone because that's just how it has always been.  Can't read their minds.

And that's why I am so angry.  There has never been any reprecussions in our family for non-attendance.  None of us operate that way.  And both the texts and emails "asked", not told.

[cremebrulee]

Dear Pooh
I'm so so very sorry to read that your son and DIL are so very unthinking and rude??? 

Hun, don't allow it to control you....and be confident that your in my thoughts and prayers...

Love you
Creme

[luise.volta]

I hope you have a lovely time, anyhow. Holidays are so loaded. Bending love...

[Pooh]

Thanks everyone.  We will have a great time with my Mom and Dad, like always.  And I leave on my first cruise Sunday, so am super excited.  Just so disappointed in that son's behavior.

On the other side, YS called and is getting to come home two weeks for Christmas.  He let me know his Dad had to work the holidays, so he is going there for the first five days, then coming to our house from Christmas Eve until January 1st!!!!  Super excited to see him and thankful the military gave them a Christmas exodus!

[MrsKitty]

Dear Pooh:
It is odd and rude that they have not gotten back to you. Is it possible that they fear hurting your feelings and they are putting off getting back to you because they don't want to do that? That is what my DH always does--I always tell him: just bite the bullet and tell people what you want to do! He is too scared of hurting feelings and often puts off getting back to people because of this.  Plus, their holiday sounds like a very busy (and not terribly enjoyable) Thanksgiving to rush from one family member's home to another. Perhaps they are having trouble negotiating with all of their family members to come up with a plan that keeps them sane and keeps everyone happy (probably not possible). Is it possible that they are tired of rushing around to please everyone?

Perhaps you could send an email saying that since you haven't heard from them you assumed that they were not coming and you gave Memaw the  final head count already (I would be careful not to make this email sound angry. I know you are upset that they didn't get back to you--but they may misinterpret an angry email as one that shows that you think that you "own" them at Thanksgiving--a common complaint from grown children). 

One thing-I don't understand why you were upset with DIL for not cleaning up, but thought it was fine for your DS to plop down in front of the TV without helping? Many young women today were not raised with the (rather sexist) idea that it is "women's work" to cook and clean. I think that if you were upset with DIL, you should also be upset with DS--because they both behaved badly by not helping. Just because DIL is a woman--it shouldn't mean that she has additional duties to cook and clean (IMHO). Good luck!

[Pooh]

I can see where you are coming from.  They have always said in the past they enjoyed Thanksgiving at MeMaws.  We started doing it at 12:00 a few years ago to accomodate her family's time in the evening.  They have always been told what a hard time we had rushing around at holidays, and know that we would totally understand if they didn't want to come.  Actually, we used to do it at 6:00 but that was the same time her family did and they asked if we could do it at lunch so they could come to both.  Maybe they thought they were being nice?  Who knows.  All I know is it is rude for them not to respond at all, even with a no.

I was disappointed in both of their behaviors (I put that in my original post).  There has been a long-standing tradition in our family that after we eat, the men plop down in front of the television for football, and the women let my Mother sit down (since she basically cooks all night and morning) and cleans up.  There are 4 women (me, my SIL and my two grown nieces) that clean up.  We give her a break.  I said in my post, I was disappointed in both of them.  I would have thought she would have taken the cue and volunteered, but that was ok, she didn't have to.  And I was disappointed in him for not offering since she wasn't. So thus, disappointed in both of them.

And I don't believe anything is "women's work" or "men's work".  This is something that has always transpired on Thanksgiving and has nothing to do with men or women.  Just an appreciation for all my Mother's hard work.

[Pooh]

And I guess I should clarify, I was disappointed.  Not angry or mad at them.  I just couldn't sit there and watch all the other females in the house help clean up and not offer.  It is also time we all spend laughing and catching up while we clean.  Now I know she was raised different and I don't expect everyone to follow suit just because we have always done it this way, but there have been many instances of her rudesness, so it's not just this.

[luise.volta]

Great about YS coming! 

[Pooh]

Thanks Luise...I am so glad.  He sounded so disappointed about a month ago when he was not sure if they were going to let them come home.  Then he sounded so happy when he called to tell me.

[Pen]

Pooh, it's great to hear from you. Good news about YS! I'm happy for you all. Sorry the other plans aren't working out for you. Try to focus on the good stuff, and do take care of yourself. Thinking of you.

[Pooh]

Thanks guys.  I have so much to be thankful for and that is what I am doing.  I am so blessed and lucky for most everything in my life.  I think this one just got to me.  I remember the old saying "You can do what you want to me, just don't mess with my kids."   Well, I think that holds true in my case too for my Mother.  Angel on earth I tell you although no one deserves to be treated badly, she definately does not.

[cremebrulee]

Thanks everyone.  We will have a great time with my Mom and Dad, like always.  And I leave on my first cruise Sunday, so am super excited.  Just so disappointed in that son's behavior.

On the other side, YS called and is getting to come home two weeks for Christmas.  He let me know his Dad had to work the holidays, so he is going there for the first five days, then coming to our house from Christmas Eve until January 1st!!!!  Super excited to see him and thankful the military gave them a Christmas exodus!

Oh that is so exciting, and a cruise....Pooh, hope you have a great time with ys and on that cruise....where are you going?  I would love to see Granada.....

have missed you whole bunches.....