Don't know what to expect but want to be prepared

[LaurieS]

Hi Jill... I know you waited a while for this meeting.  Your dd may not remember past events as you do but at the very least you had her talking.  I would  wait a day or two and then let her know of whatever plans you have coming up and invite her with no pressure to attend.  The only thing that I believe you can do at this point is to reaffirm that you would like to rebuild the bridge.  It's obvious that she still cares or she would not have spent this time with you to began with. 

[jill]

Thank you so much for your replies.  Everything was so true.  Luise, it is exactly the same as your situation.  She had a list of things to tell me that she had written down, and I was not allowed to interrupt, which I didn't.  Then I had some things written down, but she continually interrupted me and started on the same old stories.  She will not accept me for what I am, I have to change, and if I make changes suitable to her, then we can have a relationship.  But I feel even if I changed 100 per cent, she would still dredge up the old stuff, to have a reason to berate me.
She never mentioned anything good, like the time I made her wedding veil and sewed on each pearl with love.
I have to accept that she does not have a forgiving nature, so we will try to have a civil relationship, I will walk on eggshells around her, and we will discuss things like the weather, her job, what I did last weekend etc.  Basically the things you talk about with a co-worker or stranger. 
Although I would prefer a close relationship, I think in the past few months I have started to feel better about myself, due to the support from all you wise women, and forgive myself and realize that I have done the best I can, and I will accept whatever relationship my dd will offer, at least this way I will be able to occasionally see my granddaughter.

[luise.volta]

Oh, Honey...that take backbone. We're right behind you. Sending love...

[LaurieS]

Jill... Unless you have come to dislike who you are, don't attempt to change your soul for anyone.  People can at times dictate how you participate in events, topics, even relationships but no one has the right to dictate how you choose to live each precious day that you have left on this earth.

While your dd feels that if she can morph your personality and your inner being to fit a mold that allows her to predict every movement and thought, she may still not be pleased with her final results.  This is a 42 year old woman who appears to have a balanced and good life, supportive husband, healthy daughter, nice home, etc.  Yet she is incapable of allowing you to finish a sentence without a controlling interruption.  I believe that if you met every last one of her requirements that you may still fall short.  For that reason alone, I would continue to be who you are, because really how can you not be.  I would keep conversations as well as your relationship a little distant, I would try to not remain emotionally attached to her lack of acceptance.

Still I believe that I would call her in a day or two and nicely mention any upcoming event that she and her family might like to attend, but not with anticipation that they do so.  Or ask if a Mother/Daughter/Grand Daughter lunch date would be acceptable in order to give your gg a Christmas gift.  We are all wishing you the best.

[seasage]

She had a list of things to tell me that she had written down, and I was not allowed to interrupt, which I didn't.  Then I had some things written down, but she continually interrupted me and started on the same old stories. 

Jill,
It sounds to me like you are ready for a new relationship with your DD, but she is not yet ready.  And so I am trying to think of something that will help your DD be ready.

I am thinking back to the last time I saw my DIL, when she had a long list of complaints that I listened to, mostly without comment.  (Nothing has ever been good between us, she won't talk to me, won't come here, won't let me in her house, etc.  Full story detailed elsewhere on WWU).

In my short (ahem) life, I have learned that often our children/husbands simply need validation of their perspective before they can move on.  And so I have learned to say things like "I am sorry you feel that way",  "I am sorry that happened to you", "That must have been awful", "That must have made you mad", etc.  I didn't use those validations with DIL - I was too mad at her at the time - and now I know that I should have.  If I ever get another chance, I will use some of those phrases.

From my perspective, Jill, you might have the beginning of a start with your DD.  If the two of you are in the same room again, you might be able to use some of those stock phrases above to validate her feelings - so that she can move on - because clearly you are ready but she is not.

And I would dearly love it if you could find some way to remind her of the lovely things you have done for her.  Imagine, sewing pearls one-by-one on her veil.  So much love there.  Maybe some other WW can figure out how you can gently remind her of those loving things you have done.

[luise.volta]

Eons ago I tried to change for someone...and I also tried to be different because I thought I should. No go. I could only keep it up so long and then I reverted to my old self...(who I have learned to like.)

[jill]

Thank you so much for your replies and wisdom.  Yes, I do realize it is all about her, not once did she ask how I felt or what she could do for me. 
Strangely enough, we both have the same ideas of taking things slowly, with a small amount of contact, I will definitely think everything over before I say anything, which will be difficult but at least we will have peace.  Maybe in years to come we may have some healing, I hope so, but I don't feel I will be able to every rely on her again.  I thought her comment about being friends before I die a little disconcerting, it sounds like she does not want to feel any guilt after I am gone.
I am so glad I found this site and all you wise women, without you, I might not be able to say to myself, you have done your best.
PS She has invited me over boxing day for brunch. 

[luise.volta]

There you go! An invitation! It feels so much like what came down for me that I can hardly believe it. Sending love...

[LaurieS]

I thought her comment about being friends before I die a little disconcerting, it sounds like she does not want to feel any guilt after I am gone.

PS She has invited me over boxing day for brunch. 

Of course she doesn't want guilt.. she wants her cake and to eat it too.  Saddest part is what if something were to happen to her first, why don't  people ever consider that possibility, it's like he who is oldest dies first.  I was so incredibly thankful while my kids were young that my mil would be there for them if anything were to ever happen to me.. I knew she had my back.  Is it just human nature for people to be this self-absorbed?

What is boxing day?  Is this a big event in their lives? Just curious.

[jill]

Hi Laurie,
Boxing Day is the day after Christmas in Canada.

[luise.volta]

Do you always celebrate both? Where does it get it's name? 

[seasage]

It's the day one present boxes (gifts) to the servants.

[jill]

Thanks seasage, yes we celebrate both, and it is celebrated in Canada, Australia, New Zealand and England, and I think originated in the 19th century.

[LaurieS]

Well call me a dumb Texan... I was picturing a ring, gloves, big sweaty men beating the snot out of each other and meanwhile you are having a lovely ladylike brunch.  And I had to wonder.. why on God's green earth would her daughter invite her to witness that?

[luise.volta]