Don't know what to expect but want to be prepared

[elsieshaye]

I'm so sorry, Jill.

[Pen]

Jill, how disappointing. I'm sorry your DD changed her mind. Here's hoping she reschedules soon. What can you do for yourself in the meantime? Please take care.

[LaurieS]

Jill, is it possible for you to call her and reschedule, while stating that you too feel that sitting down together would be most helpful.  With kids, husbands, flu season, it's hard to tell what may have come up in her life.  If you get that far I would say that you are pretty flexible but that you have on day booked solid (don't want to sound to available).  Where is your sil in all this, I'm assuming that you and he get along as well as you and your grandchild, am I correct?

This is such a shame, you'd think that by 42 years of age that she would stop blaming everyone else for her life's problems and move on with what she does have.  Nosy question...is your daughter happy in her marriage?  Is her child healthy and well adjusted?  Is her husband faithful and supportive?  If her marriage and life is intact then what does she have to complain about?  If her life is going well, then what exactly did you do so wrong?  Raising kids on your own could not be easy and I'm sure that even with some mistakes along the way you did the absolute best you could.  If people would stop and look for anything positive I'm sure they'd have a different view.... Wishing you the best.

[irenic]

Jill, calm and tranquil, no matter what she says.  I think they need to get it out, its how they see it and that
is what matters most.  If it was me, I would say I am sorry that you endured________________.
I can't mend the past, but I can make the future
a better place to be.

I think I would tell my daughter I made mistakes, I did the best I could, and
it appears there were times your needs weren't met, but I am willing to open
the lines of communicaton and listen to what you need now.

I wish you the best, I know that it is very stressful right now, but you
will make it, and personally I don't see why she would meet with you
to tell you she didn't want to see you again, I could be wrong.

You are in my thoughts!

[kathleen]

Jill,

It's possible you are fortunate the meeting was postponed.

My SIL, a narcissist if ever there was one (remained childless,) went through a lot of "therapy" in her 40's, the kind that teaches you to blame your parents for everything wrong in your life.  From this therapy, for example,  she learned it was her mother's fault she was fat; not because my MIL overfed her, but because my MIL didn't provide enough food.  (You can run that one either way around that block.  Never once did I see my MIL withhold food from anyone, but when SIL worked up to 275-300 lbs., she needed a scapegoat.)

At length, as part of her "therapy," my SIL planned a meeting with her mother, my MIL, coached by the therapist.  She contacted a spa and arranged to have a massage (to soothe her shattered nerves) as part of the confrontation.  She took a long letter she had written, with every one of my MIL's faults spelled out in great detail, got on a plane, went to MIL's apartment, and placed the letter in front of my MIL.  She then immediately left for the spa and her massage, so she wouldn't suffer any anxiety watching her mother react.

When she returned, she told us gleefully, full of laughter, my MIL was still sitting at the table in shock in front of the letter, her mouth open.

I thought this was one of the worst things I ever heard a child do to a parent.  But it was part of the repertoire against her mother that my SIL took great pride in repeating for years.  (Eventually we got rid of her in our lives, something we should have done many years earlier.)  My MIL never got over this confrontation.  She had no idea how often it was repeated to all her other children, either.

I was wondering if your dd had something like that in mind.  I have to agree with Seasage that ideally, it should be in a public place, because of what happened to my MIL.  At least you have had some warning.  Pen & Irenic, I honestly don't know if I could remain quiet with repeated phrases during something like this, although I might be struck speechless, which was a gift for my MIL.  I don't know how I would react, but I am sure I would not be calm.  I also don't think I'm willing to take responsibility for making mistakes, unless this was a two-way discussion of what went wrong.  I suppose it depends on how you feel about that issue.

I truly hope this will not happen to you, Jill, what happened to my MIL.  But at least you have some warning and you seem to have a gut feeling it could be headed this way.

How sharper than a serpent's tooth to have a thankless child,

Kathleen

[jill]

Thank you all so much for your replies.  Laurie, my daughter has  a beautiful daughter, a lovely home, good job and a supportive husband, so I don't think there are any problems in her personal life. She does have a bit of a problem juggling job, child and home, and I think has absolutely no time in her life for me, this was the the situation before she cut me out of her life totally.  I was a stay at home mom, which she always reminded me of, and I applaud mothers today with their full lives.

I feel a bit better today, and I will definitely call closer to Christmas so I can get gifts to them, hopefully. Kathleen, I was really worried about how things would go, but if it does happen, maybe I will be more prepared.

[Pen]

Kathleen, your SIL must have given your MIL a life of frustration and sadness. How sad that a professional, or someone posing as one, would validate her N ways. No one gained from that therapy except the therapist.

Yes, it's hard not to engage. I'm not a master at it since I have a great need for justice as well as a big mouth, but when I can remain silent or only give generic responses in volatile situations it works out much better for me. My SM has a brilliant mind and can run circles around me all day, twisting my words and neatly stabbing me with them. My only protection is not engaging.

Jill, best of luck. Take this time to reinforce what you already know is true - you are a good mom, an amazing woman, and you have a lot of support here at WWU. I agree that you should meet in a public place, just don't pick a place you'll be embarrassed to return to if it goes badly.

[jill]

My DD called today and rescheduled for this weekend.  At first she wanted a time when I will be busy, so we made it a bit later, already she sounds angry that I was not available at the time she wanted. I will be going out after she visits, so I absolutely do not want to get upset.  I changed things around last weekend when she cancelled, but cannot change things this weekend.  I really want this to be the start of healing, but I am not looking forward to her anger.  I plan to say as little as possible and just agree with her, for peace.

[luise.volta]

As you read through this thread you can see that we're all going, too. Sending love...

[luise.volta]

My son Kirk, our Webmaster, just wrote this for another thread..."Letting Go of Hurt" under Grab Bag at Faith's request:

Aloha, Faith, Mom, and Everyone Else ~~

Without knowing the history of a specific mother's relationship with their son or daughter, I can only generalize. That said, what I do know is if we don't continue to communicate, we cannot truly resolve problems. It often takes courage to express from the heart. We have to avoid the pitfalls of blaming and shaming ourselves and others. We must be willing to communicate -- to listen, to ask questions, to set aside the illusory certainty that we're right and others are wrong. Unless we can sit down and non-violently learn together -- learn about each other, especially core values and beliefs -- we can't strengthen our relationships and resolve our difficulties.

We have to somehow become willing to sit down and share. Countries can have the same challenges. Think of the problems the Israelis and Palestinians have finding mutual respect and peaceful coexistence. We have the same problems within ourselves. Think of inner aspects of our personalities who want to eat unhealthy food, contrasted with other parts who want to live a long, healthy life. Do I choose to eat that artery-clogging donut or a fresh, ripe, juicy apple?

Where to start? By moving from debate to dialogue, from being right (or hurt) to becoming curious, from being closed to opening up.

How? By finding shared values. It's always possible, whether within ourselves or between two countries in conflict, to discover shared values. Many peace treaties have been signed because both sides eventually found it intolerable to continue sending their best and brightest young people to early graves; the two countries discovering they shared the value of LIFE. The same principle can be applied to conflicts within families.

Upon shared values we can build trust, and forgiveness is usually a key ingredient. When we learn that hatred, bitterness, resentment, etc. actually poisons OUR own lives, we can release the attached emotions, from grief to rage, and find our way back to heartfelt forgiveness.

Sometimes we need a professional facilitator. Not a self-important therapist who chooses sides and becomes judge and jury, but a therapist or other skilled mediator trained in conflict resolution. The techniques are clearly defined and they work. Of course, everyone participating must be willing, and if everyone can somehow find a way to their hearts...to a place of love within...wonderful healing and reconnection becomes possible.

[Pen]

Thank you, Kirk.

[Nana]

Wonderful post kirk.....as mother as son.....lol

Get well soon....Luise....we all love you

[jill]

Thank you for the wise words, Kirk.

[jill]

I had my meeting today with my dd.  She said she has felt rejected by me, and that I did not love her.  I honestly do not understand why she feels this way, as I have done nothing but love her, but she brought up things from her childhood that I do not remember saying.  So I know she has been hurting and I want to change this, but I feel that whatever I do or say will not be enough, she will continue to treat me badly.  She said she does not care about me the way she used to, which did not surprise me.  She said she did not think we could ever be close but it would be nice if we could be friends before I die. I am not sure where to go from here, do I call her?  She does not call me.  I got very upset of course, but was glad that she did not say she did not want to see me again.      Would like to hear what you ladies think.

[luise.volta]

My eldest son did that. He had endless "documentation" that I was a total failure as a mother. His perceptions painted me as never doing anything right and being responsible for every bad thing that ever happened to him. He tried to convince his younger brother but it never worked. When he died of a sleep apnea stroke at 52, we were still trying but it was egg shells all the way. He was trying to tolerate me and I was trying to understand why he saw see me as evil. I don't know what to say, J. My experience is that they misinterpret and conjure up a fantasy based on a lot of assumptions and make it real. I know what kind of a mother I was. You just can't alter the mind-set. I was unable...we were...to build anything on that kind of impasse.