Don't know what to expect but want to be prepared

[jill]

My odd who I have not seen for four months and spoken to once, called me this evening to tell me she wants to come over next Sunday morning and talk to me about how she is feeling.  I am very worried about this meeting, I don't know if she is trying to reach out or she has decided to never see me again.  I am glad for the opportunity to speak one on one, but I do need to be prepared.  I think I will have to have everything written out as if she starts shouting at me, I will get upset.  That is one thing I do not want to do.  I am hoping she will be able to speak rationally.   
I was beginning to think I was starting to heal a little bit, and I am afraid this will open old wounds.  But of course more than anything I want us to patch things up, but I don't know if I can trust her again. Do I tell her that my expectations have been too high, that if she doesn't want to see me again it is okay?  I don't think I can bear it if it is the last time I will see her.  I also want to have some connection with my gd.   
I have heard so many wise words from you ladies.   Please give me some feedback as to how I should be prepared.....................Jill

[luise.volta]

I have no idea how you can prepare for the unknown. All you can do is meet her with your self-love and self-respect tucked into your pocket and hope for the best. If push comes to shove and she starts to yell, can you just quietly say "I can't do this?" That's an abusive and domineering...fear tactic, to my way of thinking .

[Marilyn]

Jill,I agree with Luise.Try as hard as you can not to focus on she might be telling you she never wants to see you again.Think postive thoughts,I know it's hard,but it will make you feel stronger........"If it was me"........if she starts yelling say"quietly but firmly"......I can't do this, when you can speak respectfully we will discuss this like adults.Just telling her this,is showing her you have self respect.

I really hope you can get things talked out.

Sending Hugs

[Miss Understood]

Jill, in one of the books I just read, it said when the adult child finally decides to "talk" about how they feel...this is your biggest test. She is most likely going to through some things at you that you won't agree with.
Remember:
1) Don't take it personally...these are her feelings, even if she is saying them about you.
2) Always stay calm and answer her with something as, "I understand this is how you feel. I may not see it that way, but that doesn't make either of us wrong. Let's talk about why you are feeling this way." It's best for them to get it all out because if they don't...then it festers and grows and you will not be going anywhere. Let her do the talking as you remain as calm as can be.
3) If it seems that she is going on and on with such hurtful things and you are feeling overwhelmed to where you may loose it. You might want to say, "Wow, this is a lot to injest in one sitting. Do you think we can stop here and let me sort through this and we can pick up again at another time. I'd like to continue with what you are feeling, but I also need to understand and work through it too. How about let's getting together next week again and pick up right here." This way you aren't shutting her out, but you have down excalated the issue.
4) If you want a relationship with them...then listen to why you aren't. EVEN if it is bogus...some how they feel that way. Knowing what it is and trying to get past it is better than a silent treatment that keeps you in limbo land.
CALMNESS, OPEN HEART, FORGIVING SPIRIT AND THE BIGGEST....UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.  Saying you're sorry doesn't mean you are wrong or right, it just means you value the relationship more than your ego.

I constantly apologize even when it is NOT about me. People tell me to stop...but I do it because I love them, I want them to know they are important enough for me to do that and I will always have their back. That's my job....I think.

You'll be fine. YOU WILL BE FINE. Don't fret the unknown...go in like a champ...maybe take a xanax first...that always helps.

[seasage]

Jill,

I would like to see you move your meeting place to either her house or a neutral place - perhaps a coffee shop somewhere.  The reasons are these: 1. It is less likely that she will shout or you will cry if you are somewhere else.  I think this is a biggie.  A different location will change the dynamic of your conversation.  Good things might even happen!!!  2. If things get bad, you have an escape route.  You can leave.  3. Keep your house as your sanctuary where you can relax and try to forget your family troubles. 

[Rose799]

Advice from Dr. Coleman...


http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/22358673/

[Barbie]

These are all very good responses.

Seasage, I really like the idea of meeting in a public place although some people don't care where they are. My DIL didn't hesitate to tell our whole family off one evening at our favorite restaurant that we went to every week, after she threw her temper tamtrum she walked out and DS followed her, it was so embarrasing.

[Barbie]

Rose 799, thanks for sharing, there's always hope that things will get better.

[jill]

Thanks so much for all your replies.  It is good to know people care.  She has chosen the time and place, so I do not want to argue with that.  Also I actually feel safer in my own place.  Her husband and daughter are always around at her home, and I think in a public place she may not be totally free to say what she wants. I think I could cry quite easily in a public place, as well as at home.  I am realizing that this is all about her, and it is going to be very difficult for me to not say how I am feeling, and how hurt I am.  I do not think she is interested in how hurt I am.

I will be again walking on eggshells, as she twists everything I say, so I will try to say as little as possible.  She has in the past said I should have said this, and done that, it is like she is trying to control how I think.  That is the hard part, because if we every do have any kind of relationship, anything I say can be taken the wrong way.

Thanks so much for the video, Rose 799.  I have his book so will read it again this week.

[Miss Understood]

That's the guy who wrote the book I just read. Really good book.

[Pen]

Jill, know that we're thinking of you. Re: the twisting of your words, you may just have to calmly keep repeating yourself. After she finishes such a statement, you can quietly and calmly say "Nevertheless, _________________________" repeating what you said before. She'll get really tired of hearing it and might actually listen to your words. In fact, one of my own kids once cried "I'm sick of hearing 'nevertheless'!!" You can interchange it with "regardless." IDK, it worked on 4 year olds...

[FAFE]

It might be wise to have a small recorder, so she cannot say one thing and then change it at a later date!  Be prepared, as the boys scouts do. 

[Pooh]

And when all else fails remember....."Yes, tea would be lovely" 

[Tara]

Dear Jill,

I wish you a good meeting.  Seems like there are some good ideas here, especially thanks for the Joshua Coleman info.

Peace and Blessings
Tara

[jill]

My DD called and left me a message today, and cancelled our meeting tomorrow.  I was hoping all week that this would be the start of healing, but it looks like it is not to be.  She said she would reschedule some other time, but I don't hold much hope.  I feel really down.  It's just 4 weeks to Christmas now and I have no idea if I will see her or my granddaughter.