Author Topic: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....  (Read 6138 times)

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little me

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DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
« on: November 18, 2010, 07:09:53 PM »
MY POOR SON!! ::)Son called me to tell me that his wife ( whom does not like his ( us ) side of family) That she wants to get us all together to have a meeting mainly so she can vent, or just tell us just what she thinks of all of us and why!
My son is mortified,and embarrassed. I told him not to be embarrassed, and go ahead and make the meeting and let her talk it out.
I just don't know how the others will take it.  I feel so bad for my son. 
I'd like to give her a piece of my mind, but I'll stay quiet for the most part and listen.
I just think it's so odd she wants a meeting to inform us of what losers we are?
Husband thinks she is just insecure and needs to get out her opinions.
Why must we always walk so carefully around these baby adults.
WHEN I WAS THAT AGE I WOULD NOT EVEN THINK TO SAY ANYTHING OFFENSIVE TO MY INLAWS, OF WHICH BTW, I COULD NOT STAND. LOL. ::)
« Last Edit: November 18, 2010, 07:36:24 PM by little me »

1Glitterati

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Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2010, 07:26:03 PM »
MY POOR SON!! ::)Son called me to tell me that his wife ( whom does not like his ( us ) side of family) That she wants to get us all together to have a meeting mainly so she can vent, or just tell us just what she thinks of all of us and why!
My son in mortified,and embarrassed. I told him not to be embarrassed, and go ahead and make the meeting and let her talk it out.
I just don't know how the others will take it.  I feel so bad for my son. 
I'd like to give her a piece of my mind, but I'll stay quiet for the most part and listen.
I just think it's so odd she wants a meeting to inform us of what losers we are?
Husband thinks she is just insecure and needs to get out her opinions.
Why must we always walk so carefully around these baby adults.
WHEN I WAS THAT AGE I WOULD NOT EVEN THINK TO SAY ANYTHING OFFENSIVE TO MY INLAWS, OF WHICH BTW, I COULD NOT STAND. LOL. ::)

I'd want to know what the ground rules are first.  Is this to be you guys simply listening to her b@tch or will it be an actual back and forth conversation?

If you have any reservations...don't do it.  No one should be forced into any meeting of this type.

LaurieS

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Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
« Reply #2 on: November 18, 2010, 08:35:40 PM »
I agree, it's like you might as well put on the blindfold and smoke that last cigarette. 

I think I'd like to know exactly what your dil feels will or should be accomplished by meeting.

Tara

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Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
« Reply #3 on: November 18, 2010, 09:28:18 PM »
Yes Laurie and Glitter!

Also, to make sure you  have as chance to talk and not her just unloading.

Offline Pen

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Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
« Reply #4 on: November 18, 2010, 11:15:32 PM »
Little Me, welcome.

Run away, run away! It's a trap, I tells ya!

But serioiusly, please be careful. If DIL has legitimate concerns, it's kind of you to listen and consider her opinions. On the other hand, if she's just going to rip you a new one or grind you into the ground, don't let her.

I agree with Laurie and Glitter - what are the ground rules and what is the object of this meeting? Also, since DS is embarrassed about the whole thing, how can you support him? He's the one you want to maintain a relationship with, so what can you do to ease his discomfort?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
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Offline Sheen

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Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
« Reply #5 on: November 19, 2010, 02:52:56 AM »
Boy do I agree with your thoughts on baby adults. I like you had some pretty negative feelings on my x inlaws but for 25 years I just plowed thru it. I can't even comprehend sitting with them and voicing my opinions on what they do wrong and the conditions I set for any type of relationship with them. 
I guess it really depends on how much you can take from dil , you could get a pair of earplugs and let her rant then take them out when she is done lol.   I agree though I don't think it is wise to walk into that type of meeting without establishing some ground rules. 

cremebrulee

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Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
« Reply #6 on: November 19, 2010, 06:44:08 AM »
MY POOR SON!! ::)Son called me to tell me that his wife ( whom does not like his ( us ) side of family) That she wants to get us all together to have a meeting mainly so she can vent, or just tell us just what she thinks of all of us and why!
My son is mortified,and embarrassed. I told him not to be embarrassed, and go ahead and make the meeting and let her talk it out.
I just don't know how the others will take it.  I feel so bad for my son. 
I'd like to give her a piece of my mind, but I'll stay quiet for the most part and listen.
I just think it's so odd she wants a meeting to inform us of what losers we are?
Husband thinks she is just insecure and needs to get out her opinions.
Why must we always walk so carefully around these baby adults.
WHEN I WAS THAT AGE I WOULD NOT EVEN THINK TO SAY ANYTHING OFFENSIVE TO MY INLAWS, OF WHICH BTW, I COULD NOT STAND. LOL. ::)

Hello and welcome
I don't have much to say, except try not to worry and let the chips fall where they may...and don't allow her to bring you down to her level....don't become angry with her comments, listen to her, really listen to what she is saying....don't take it personal....and try and discuss the issues she brings up like a mature adult. 

if someone else takes offense, then so be it....but while you may be viewing this as a real pain in the butt DIL....by getting together and discussing it, at least you'll know what is bothering her that you all do.

Remember, she is saying to you, this hurts me when you do this or that....she is not saying I don't like you, or I hate you, or anything of the sort....

And you may not agree with her, however, I must say, at least you won't be left out in the dark, like many of us here....she is putting the cards on the table and while this may be foreign to your family culture, it doesn't sound like it is to her, this is apparently the way she was raised, to sit together in a circle and have a family discussion...it may turn out to be a very positive thing.

What is worse, to not ever know what is going thru her mind, to never know her boundaries, and what she may expect or doesn't like, and you all keep doing it, over and over again, until she estrages from you all completely, b/c she can't find the courage to discuss it with you...so it builds and builds and boom, big huge blow out....

I view this as a good thing....

and if I were you, if someone bursts an out rage, keep the room calm by saying, wait, let her finish...and continue to say that if anyone interrupts with a gasp or, how dare you....YOU BE IN CONTROL....and keep saying, "Wait, let her finish". 

Listen to her intently, and tell your son not to be embarrassed, but to be very proud of her, this is a gal with courage and quit frankly, a family discussion is a good idea, it will air all hurts....remember, she is NOT saying your wrong,
she is saying
YOU HURTING ME WHEN YOU DO THIS....
Remember she isn't part of your family culture
she was raised completely different then you raised your family
and if you all keep your cool, you may even learn some very positive and useful things from one another....

I view this as a really great opportunity to clear the air...as long as no one takes what hurts her personal.

In other words, if she says,
I don't want you to call our home, every single day
or I don't want you to stop over without calling first

don't take it as a God awful personal attack against you, and that she is saying to you, your wrong and an awful person, what she is saying is
I don't think and feel like you do, I was raised differently and these things really stress me out...so, could you please, please not do that....
So, please listen to her with the idea that she is airing things to you that bother her...and not attacking you...

Let us know how things go....

This could be a really good thing....
really really good!

and yeah, when I was her age, I wouldn't have ever thought of saying anything to my inlaws...however, I wanted to, oh baby did I want to, sometimes they made my life a living hell.....and it was all b/c you and I were raised to honor thy mother and father and mom's and dad's did no wrong, HAH...we all do things differently because we were all raised differently....we all have different ideas about things and how we do them....no one is right, or wrong, it's simply about how we feel about things....so don't take this as an insult....your DIL, is doing the right thing...apparently there are things bothering her, and personally, I'd want to know, so I don't make the same mistake over and over again, which would cause her to distance herself from me.....

I would want to know...so that I could learn her, what she likes, what she doesn't like, and that would have caused happiness instead of 12 years of pain and hurt, cuz I kept saying, "If only I knew what I did to cause this...."....or I didn't do anything....I wasn't aware that I was getting on her nerves and that some of my actions were actually crossing boundaries....

and above all,
she is not calling any of you losers...she has an idea in her mind of how she'd like her life and family to be....b/c she was raised to think and feel as she does....she is not out of your family mold, she was conditioned to be as her parents taught her to be....which is different, we're all different, however, in the case of inlaws, we have to get along, so what she's saying is, I want to get along with you all, however, can we try to remember, I'm from a different family and I think and feel differently then you do, and I have my own ideas and dreams of how I want my life to play out....can we get together on this?



Creme
« Last Edit: November 19, 2010, 07:00:43 AM by cremebrulee »

erma

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Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
« Reply #7 on: November 19, 2010, 06:57:46 AM »
i agree with all the posts! run away! its a trap! we were set up by this from our dil years ago! she just wanted to tell us in person, what she thought of us, which we already knew.
she vented, called us horrific names, we were totally offended,  we said a few things ourselves, and in turn she cut us off!
which i later figured out, was the true intention and purpose of the whole thing. at the time, i didn't have theses WW on here to voice to me what was whirling around in her little mind, but we did indeed fall face first into her trap. my ds at that time took our side, only to be threatend severely by her for an entire year.  she made up stories about things she thought we had said, and how she believed the whole family was against her, which just floored me. it was the first id ever heard she felt that we were "trash", among other horrible names.
we were provoked into saying things, i returned fire by saying "takes one to spot one", which didnt sit well, and she inturn, pulled out the big guns, so to speak, and she just exploded.
its been a long and painful road since then, and i don't think believe it will ever be the same.
DO NOT BE SUCKED INTO THIS BLACK HOLE!! :o :o :o

seasage

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Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
« Reply #8 on: November 19, 2010, 06:58:50 AM »
little me,

Our DIL doesn't like us either.  Two years ago my son also asked us to sit down with DIL so that we could air all the complaints and resolve the issue.  We agreed.  The 'airing' was a monologue, a diatribe, a list of complaints about DH and me.  As we did not have any issues with DIL, other than the fact that she clearly doesn't like us, we did not offer her any complaints from our side.  We simply listened politely and asked questions.  It became clear to me that no matter what we did, DIL chalked it up as another notch on her hateful-inlaws belt.  She was unable to see that we are really good people and not trying to hurt her.

The bottom line is that the meeting was not good for anyone.  We left with very hurt feelings; she didn't get anything out of it either.  She has refused to see us since that meeting, refused to allow us to come to her house, and will not come here either.  Frankly, I think she must be embarrassed by some of the things she said, although DH doesn't agree with me on this point.

My first recommendation is to talk to your DS about this meeting.  You want to satisfy him.  My second recommendation is that you not say anything against your DIL, even if you have issues.  It will just put your DS in a bad place, caught between two factions he loves.  Never do anything to make your DS choose, because you will lose.

cremebrulee

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Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
« Reply #9 on: November 19, 2010, 07:02:53 AM »
i agree with all the posts! run away! its a trap! we were set up by this from our dil years ago! she just wanted to tell us in person, what she thought of us, which we already knew.
she vented, called us horrific names, we were totally offended,  we said a few things ourselves, and in turn she cut us off!
which i later figured out, was the true intention and purpose of the whole thing. at the time, i didn't have theses WW on here to voice to me what was whirling around in her little mind, but we did indeed fall face first into her trap. my ds at that time took our side, only to be threatend severely by her for an entire year.  she made up stories about things she thought we had said, and how she believed the whole family was against her, which just floored me. it was the first id ever heard she felt that we were "trash", among other horrible names.
we were provoked into saying things, i returned fire by saying "takes one to spot one", which didnt sit well, and she inturn, pulled out the big guns, so to speak, and she just exploded.
its been a long and painful road since then, and i don't think believe it will ever be the same.
DO NOT BE SUCKED INTO THIS BLACK HOLE!! :o :o :o

Erma, this might be what happened in your case, but it may not at all be anywhere near what will happen in this posters case....her DIL may be trying...and if she does the same thing as your DIL did, then shame on her....but don't run, don't hide, and it isn't  a black hole, actually, if this DIL acts like yours did, then, she's only showing what a horrible person she is, however, lets first give her a chance....
just b/c it happened to you, doesn't say, it's going to happen to everyone....right?


cremebrulee

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Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
« Reply #10 on: November 19, 2010, 07:06:40 AM »
little me,

Our DIL doesn't like us either.  Two years ago my son also asked us to sit down with DIL so that we could air all the complaints and resolve the issue.  We agreed.  The 'airing' was a monologue, a diatribe, a list of complaints about DH and me.  As we did not have any issues with DIL, other than the fact that she clearly doesn't like us, we did not offer her any complaints from our side.  We simply listened politely and asked questions.  It became clear to me that no matter what we did, DIL chalked it up as another notch on her hateful-inlaws belt.  She was unable to see that we are really good people and not trying to hurt her.

The bottom line is that the meeting was not good for anyone.  We left with very hurt feelings; she didn't get anything out of it either.  She has refused to see us since that meeting, refused to allow us to come to her house, and will not come here either.  Frankly, I think she must be embarrassed by some of the things she said, although DH doesn't agree with me on this point.

My first recommendation is to talk to your DS about this meeting.  You want to satisfy him.  My second recommendation is that you not say anything against your DIL, even if you have issues.  It will just put your DS in a bad place, caught between two factions he loves.  Never do anything to make your DS choose, because you will lose.

seasage....

What were your DIL's complaints....?  I'm just curious...

and I agree, never ever say anything to son about DIL....it will hurt him terrible, b/c all he wants both sides to do is accept each other, and if the inlaws take offense to the DIL, he's going to estrange from the parents, and not his wife...don't ever ask him to take sides....he won't see it as your asking him what you should do, he's going to see it as if your disapproving of his choice for a wife....

if you come out and say to her, Ok, I understand you don't want us to call every day, what would your prefer?  You not taking personal offense, what your doing is saying, "Ok, she doesn't do things like we do, and doesn't have the same traditions, so maybe we can meet half way?". 

Not all DIL's are terrible people, they just want to set up they're own way of housekeeping....and it's a whole different generation....

Way back when, our mothers and mother in laws thought they had to teach us how to be wives, todays women, do not want to be taught....they want to just be...that's all.....


seasage

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Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
« Reply #11 on: November 19, 2010, 07:15:45 AM »
P.S.  I thought you WW might like to know the result of the DIL vs. parents' meeting.  First, since we didn't make any bad comments about DIL, DS has not been forced to cut us off.  He clearly still loves us and makes an effort to see us once a year, always without DIL, even though we always make it clear that DIL is welcome to come with him.  Thus, although DS spent Thanksgiving and Christmas 2009 with DIL's FOO, also spent at least 2 additional vacations with them at various cottages and ski resorts, and has just informed us that Christmas 2010 will also be with DIL's FOO, nonetheless .... DS still makes time for us.  We saw him for two afternoons in February (DIL refused to accompany him), and he will be coming to spend Thanksgiving with us!!!  Again, DIL will not be coming although we made it clear that she is always invited and always welcome.  Once again, she refused our offer.
.
 
« Last Edit: November 19, 2010, 07:26:01 AM by seasage »

cremebrulee

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Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
« Reply #12 on: November 19, 2010, 07:16:23 AM »
yanno, people misunderstand each others intentions all the time, and marriages break up, b/c there is a lack of communication, and people don't talk things out any more....what people do is expect, or demand....what is wrong with getting a family meeting together and doing this?  It's no different then an entire family discussing matters over Thanksgiving dinner....

if I don't understand something, I'm going to ask questions and not be afraid of appearing dumb....I want to know why someone feels like that day...we all have feelings, we all feel differently about different things, about the way we keep house, or wash up the floor, or wrap our meats to freeze....and we're all aloud to have those feelings darn it....

Lets give this DIL a chance, and maybe, just maybe the outcome will be very positive....
I'm all for a family meeting, I think it's a great idea....however, when someone says, well, I don't like it when you do this, or that,
you can't take it personal....you can't take it as a personal attack...she's simply saying, this offends me, b/c I wasn't raised like you, she is NOT SAYING YOU ARE WRONG.....she is saying this hurts me when you do this because....

now if she starts calling names, or anyone starts calling anyone else names, then that is a very insecure person, who cannot accept the fact, that they might be doing something that is stressing someone else out....

This is just an example and I don't know if anyone is doing this here....but
I would go nuts if someone was calling my home every night....it would drive me up a wall and I'd feel like I had no privacy at all

My mother in law used to tell me how I should cook, bake and clean, she wasn't saying I was doing it wrong, she was trying to teach me, however, I took it as if she said, "your doing this all wrong".  And that is how a lot of DIL's feel....just b/c you think one way and someone else does it another, doesn't mean anyone is right or wrong.....

cremebrulee

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Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
« Reply #13 on: November 19, 2010, 07:20:13 AM »
P.S.  I thought you WW might like to know the result of the DIL vs. parent's meeting.  First, since we didn't make any bad comments about DIL, DS has not been forced to cut us off.  He clearly still loves us and makes an effort to see us once a year, always without DIL, even though we always make it clear that DIL is welcome to come with him.  Thus, although DS spent Thanksgiving and Christmas 2009 with DIL's FOO, also spent at least 2 additional vacations with them at various cottages and ski resorts, and has just informed us that Christmas 2010 will also be with DIL's FOO, nonetheless .... DS still makes time for us.  We saw him for two afternoons in February (DIL refused to accompany him), and he will be coming to spend Thanksgiving with us!!!  Again, DIL will not be coming although we made it clear that she is always invited and always welcome.  Once again, she refused our offer.

did you ever think to ask him very sincerely...
Son, what in your mind, do you think we could do to make this situation better between DIL and ourselves?  We'd really like to know, not to get angry but to change what it is we're doing that is offending, hurting or getting on her nerves?
Then think about what he says before you say anything....

I didn't resolve my problems with DIL, until I was able to listen objectively, without taking huge offense to what my son was saying....
He wasn't saying, they didn't like me, or I was wrong, he was saying,
We don't like it when you do this or that....

simple...so, now I had some answers, I could take offense, or, I could try and see it from they're point of view....

When my DIL told me what upset her, I went, OMG, I didn't mean it that way and I'm so sorry you were hurt....what I meant was....and then explained it to her....

we women expect everyone to be able to read our minds....and they can't, and they're very young and excited to set up housekeeping, they are inexperienced and will make mistakes, but we have to allow them they're own traditions, ideas and mistakes....

« Last Edit: November 19, 2010, 07:21:57 AM by cremebrulee »

Offline Pen

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Re: DIL wants to have a meeting with us....
« Reply #14 on: November 19, 2010, 07:32:25 AM »
Good point, Seasage. Don't say anything negative about DIL to DS. Ever. I'm glad you'll be seeing DS at Thanksgiving. Enjoy your precious time together!

Creme, you're right that one person's experience may not be another's, but I feel that if this DIL had the best of intentions she would have handled it differently. This feels more war room and less diplomatic meeting to me. It's already known that this DIL doesn't like her ILs. I will give her props for some major huevos, though...I can't imagine ever having set up such a meeting with my ILs. But then, I'm pretty much a ninny when it comes to confrontation.

Sometimes there is nothing the ILs have done (even my DIL admits that about DH & me) but the DIL just doesn'tthem and doesn't want them in her or DS's life. In such a situation the ILs can't stop doing the bad stuff because there is no bad stuff. My DIL would like us to fall off the face of the earth, and that's where I draw the line, LOL.

Little Me, you'll just have to see what happens, I guess, but you do not have to do more than listen. You don't have to comment; it's probably best not to until you've had a chance to ruminate. You can say "I'll get back to you on that" or "Huh.." if pressed for a response. Oh, and do the mani-pedi-accessory thing before the meeting to remind yourself to not engage out of rage - you're the calm, cool queen of decorum and grace, right?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb