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DIL wants to have a meeting with us....

Started by little me, November 18, 2010, 07:09:53 PM

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seasage

Quote from: cremebrulee on November 19, 2010, 07:20:13 AM
did you ever think to ask him very sincerely...
Son, what in your mind, do you think we could do to make this situation better between DIL and ourselves?

I didn't have to ask.  DS said to us that he was tired being in the middle between DIL and his parents, and that he wanted us to resolve it without him.  So I wrote a short letter to DIL, saying that all I wanted was a normal DIL-MIL relationship, could that please be possible.  I delivered flowers with the letter.  During the next 9 months I sent lots of flowers, books, email, spontaneous gifts, etc.  DIL has never answered any of my missives.  She has always ignored me, never acknowledged any birthday of christmas gift, never said thank you, never even answered short emails that asked simple direct questions: "Dear ..., I lost all my stored emails, and so no longer know the exact date of your birthday.  I think it is April 2.  Is that right?"  Nope, didn't even get an answer to that one.

The reason I came to WW was to find out if it was time to quit trying with her.  I decided the answer was yes.  I am a lot happier now that I am not lying prostrate under her feet.

seasage

Quote from: Pen on November 19, 2010, 07:32:25 AM
Little Me, you'll just have to see what happens, I guess, but you do not have to do more than listen. You don't have to comment; it's probably best not to until you've had a chance to ruminate. You can say "I'll get back to you on that" or "Huh.." if pressed for a response. Oh, and do the mani-pedi-accessory thing before the meeting to remind yourself to not engage out of rage - you're the calm, cool queen of decorum and grace, right?

Very, very, very good advice, Pen.  I wish I had thought of the mani-pedi-accessory thing, but the meeting was called with less than 5 minutes notice.  However, I am going to keep that in reserve for DIL's eventual visit.  Yes, I do think it will happen.  I want to be calm and welcoming at that point.  And --- the more time I spend here with all you WW --- the calmer and more philosophical I become about all this. 

Pen

Seasage, AKA calm & welcoming MIL, I understand your DS's frustration, but I feel that our DSs can't step away from this. We were headed down a similar path when our  DS finally stood up, told DIL & her FOO that we were his family before they came along, that we were hardworking, loving, honorable people who he was always going to have a relationship with. IMHO, it's up to DS to stick up for you while concurrently honoring his marriage. It is possible but it's a delicate procedure and some guys can't get past the discomfort of confrontation and risk.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

QuotePen....Creme, you're right that one person's experience may not be another's, but I feel that if this DIL had the best of intentions she would have handled it differently.

Hi Pen, I'm just curious...and not being condescending, literally, I'd like to understand, how should she do it differently....?


QuoteThis feels more war room and less diplomatic meeting to me. It's already known that this DIL doesn't like her ILs.

Ok, is it that she really really doesn't like them, or, that some things that she does irritates her, and maybe she feels, discussing it, might bring some peace to her life?


QuoteI will give her props for some major huevos, though...I can't imagine ever having set up such a meeting with my ILs. But then, I'm pretty much a ninny when it comes to confrontation.

I used to be a ninny, however, now, I've learned, it's much better to discuss things...and that is the difference, it's all how the OP goes into this meeting, is she going to view it as a confrontation, or as a discussion...

and something else I'd like to point out....when I was young, when I felt it necessary to speak to someone about a situation, that was annoying me, b/c I wanted to preserve the relationship, I'd get really nervous....and I spoke with a whole lot of emotion/passion....my now ex, used to tell me, people don't understand you, they think your yelling, but what your really doing is speaking with a whole lot of emotion....I hope the OP keeps this in mind, if this meeting comes about...don't view her as yelling, but being very nervous, not being able to express herself as well as if she were older, and not take this as a confrontation, but, more so, as a discussion....

what I'm saying is, lets give her the benefit of the doubt here and not analyzie or second guess....this may also mean, that 1st. she doesn't hate the inlaws....although they think she does, and 2nd, that she wants to preserve whatever relationship is left....

and....I could be wrong, but I really really hope and pray I'm not....


QuoteSometimes there is nothing the ILs have done (even my DIL admits that about DH & me) but the DIL just doesn'tthem and doesn't want them in her or DS's life.

Very True Pen, but that was your situation, and again, perhaps I'm wrong here, but I want to have hope....and know that not all DIL's are like yours....or mine, for that matter....

QuoteIn such a situation the ILs can't stop doing the bad stuff because there is no bad stuff. My DIL would like us to fall off the face of the earth, and that's where I draw the line, LOL.

In your case, right, there was no bad stuff, and I don't want to call it bad stuff....lets think of it, as something the inlaws do, that stresses the DIL out...it's not bad, it's just your way, but it really annoys the DIL....and not saying the DIL is right about it, but if you knew you were doing something wrong, that was annoying, wouldn't you want to know to correct it...at least when your around that person, like leaving the tooth paste top off....it's a little tiny thing, but it might annoy hubby....doesn't mean your bad, and it doesn't mean hubby hates you or dislikes you, but it annoys him.....

QuoteLittle Me, you'll just have to see what happens, I guess, but you do not have to do more than listen. You don't have to comment; it's probably best not to until you've had a chance to ruminate. You can say "I'll get back to you on that" or "Huh.." if pressed for a response. Oh, and do the mani-pedi-accessory thing before the meeting to remind yourself to not engage out of rage - you're the calm, cool queen of decorum and grace, right?

Good advice and exactly what she should do, is digest what DIL is saying...and try and read the physcological end of it, in other words, DIL might not be saying, I don't like you, this is how it's going to be....but she might say, "yanno, this bothers me, it is really annoying", what she is saying is, "could you please just trust me and give me a chance to be in the role of a wife, I don't want to be who you were, I want to paint my own image..." 

Her words might sound harsh b/c your offended and afraid, she's going to say something nasty, and you won't hear that in her words, however, that is what she might mean...she
she is nervous like anything, so things are not going to come out like she wants them to, b/c she's afraid she's going to offend them....so, lets not jump the gun here ladies and hope for the best, stay calm, cool and collective...it may not be a bad thing, if everyone stays calm and doesn't take things said, as a personal attack....






cremebrulee

QuoteSeasage
I didn't have to ask.  DS said to us that he was tired being in the middle between DIL and his parents, and that he wanted us to resolve it without him. 

That is exactly how my son felt....

OK, seasage, please dont' take offense, or be hurt by what I'm about to write....I'm just offering suggestions....in hopes of helping you see clearly...

QuoteSo I wrote a short letter to DIL, saying that all I wanted was a normal DIL-MIL relationship, could that please be possible. 
A very nice gesture...

QuoteI delivered flowers with the letter. 
A little over the top...with the flowers, some women see this as being bought, even though you didn't mean it that way, obviously, your a very kind hearted soul who likes to give gifts, I am the same...if I have it I like to share it...however, some people who you are having a problem with view a gift of such as that your doing this to get a response out of her, a thank you....and it pushes them further away...I'm not saying your wong, what I'm saying is, she didn't view it in the gesture it was given...can you accept that or understand, she viewed it as being bought or like you were trying to get a response out of her, and when you didn't, you set yourself and her up to fail....b/c she didn't call you to say thank you....she did not live up to your expectation...

QuoteDuring the next 9 months I sent lots of flowers, books, email, spontaneous gifts, etc.  DIL has never answered any of my missives.  She has always ignored me, never acknowledged any birthday of christmas gift, never said thank you, never even answered short emails that asked simple direct questions: "Dear ..., I lost all my stored emails, and so no longer know the exact date of your birthday.  I think it is April 2.  Is that right?"  Nope, didn't even get an answer to that one.
The reason I came to WW was to find out if it was time to quit trying with her.  I decided the answer was yes.  I am a lot happier now that I am not lying prostrate under her feet.[/quote]

but do you see why, and I'm not saying you were wrong, what I'm saying is, view it from her point of view....she was rejecting you the first time, to continue on, only pushed her further and further away, you expected her to be thrilled and happy with the gifts, however, to her, it meant, you were trying to buy her, and she wanted more, she wanted change...for you maybe to understand, that what she wanted had nothing to do with being against you or not liking you, but that you allow her and your son they're own way....privacy, etc.

please take this in the way it was meant, with a lot of love, and perhaps, I'm totally wrong, but wouldn't it be something to consider, I mean, what do we all have to loose? Pride,  or to consider things another way, and not the way that we took those actions b/c that really wasn't the intent.

Yes some DIL's are really hand fulls, however, in my heart, I feel that most DIL's not all, but most, want to get along with they're inlaws...they just don't know how to get it across to us, what is bothering them, they are afraid, so things build up and build up and then, they distance themselves, b/c they don't know what else to do....

or we distance ourselves from them, and yet, we never sat down and discussed the issue, with each other, not son, but with her....

does that make any sense?

Love
Creme


seasage

Quote from: cremebrulee on November 19, 2010, 08:51:29 AM
QuoteI delivered flowers with the letter. 

A little over the top...with the flowers, some women see this as being bought,
.....
but do you see why, and I'm not saying you were wrong, what I'm saying is, view it from her point of view....she was rejecting you the first time, to continue on, only pushed her further and further away, you expected her to be thrilled and happy with the gifts, however, to her, it meant, you were trying to buy her, and she wanted more, she wanted change...for you maybe to understand, that what she wanted had nothing to do with being against you or not liking you, but that you allow her and your son they're own way....privacy, etc.

does that make any sense?

Love
Creme

Oh yes, that makes sense.  That is what I learned from WW: I was buying her. 

But please realize that she and DS have always had their privacy.  I have NEVER at any time called her or DS at their home.  And I live a continent away, too far for a casual drive-by or stop-over.  I speak to my son on the phone perhaps 6 times a year, but only when he initiates the call.  I am neither interfering nor unwelcoming to DIL. 

We are good, loving parents and fully-functioning adults who have even been adopted by some of our children's friends as second parents.  Our son is also a fully-functioning adult capable of much love.  We pray that our DIL will someday become the same.

pam1

I would ask the agenda of the meeting as well.  Life is too short.  If it's just a vent session for DIL, I'd pass.  If it was to be a real conversation between all of y'all, I would go.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

cremebrulee

QuoteOh yes, that makes sense.  That is what I learned from WW: I was buying her. 

But please realize that she and DS have always had their privacy.  I have NEVER at any time called her or DS at their home.  And I live a continent away, too far for a casual drive-by or stop-over.  I speak to my son on the phone perhaps 6 times a year, but only when he initiates the call.  I am neither interfering nor unwelcoming to DIL. 

We are good, loving parents and fully-functioning adults who have even been adopted by some of our children's friends as second parents.  Our son is also a fully-functioning adult capable of much love.  We pray that our DIL will someday become the same.

seasage, I hope all turns out well...please let us know and we'll be thinking of you...
no matter what you decided to do, do what is best for you....
big hugs creme

tryingmybest

 ::) you could actually have fun with this. I would lean toward her during the meeting, with your body language clearly saying "I'm listening dear." Keep your eye contact steady and a wonderful nuturing half smile on your face. Give her lots of
I hear you statements. "I hear how frustrated this made you". "I hear how angry you are about this." If she yells, speak more softly. Don't attack don't get defensive. Use active listening, repeat back to her what she says. "You get angry when I call to wish my son happy birthday.." "You get frustrated when I don't jump up and twirl around at your command".


Give your son the chance to see what he's dealing with. And pleasse let us know how it goes.

sadDIL

I am a DIL and I too have asked my ILs if we could talk. I asked MIL through email a year ago if DH and I could call her together. She refused and told us to become facebook friends. Neither of us thought this was a good idea, but after a few weeks we accepeted anyway. There has been hurt seeing posts and comments from each side. We have "chatted" on FB but still no calls. I asked again a couple of months ago and was verbally attacked by FIL. Now there is nothing again, just like on and off for the past 4 years. This is crazy!

I would like to think that maybe your DIL is hurting and wants to talk it over. She may be like me - I don't want a butch session, but I do want to have a relationship with them. All of us have done and said things we regret, but families should learn to forgive. Maybe your DIL has hurt you, but maybe she and your son are hurting as well. If there are kids involved, well that makes it even worse. I can take things for so long, but I refuse to let my children get hurt in the process. I then turn into a lioness and protect them! LOL!  >:(

You may not want to meet with her right away, but at least take the time to give her the benefit of the doubt. All DILs aren't evil. Sometimes there is more to them than you will ever know. My ILs like to write blogs about things they don't even know about. Dhe may have things in her past, or medical problems, or anything that she and your son deal with that you have no idea about, just like you may as well. But don't give up on her or your son until you at least make an effort.

luise.volta

He is coming! That's not the perfect solution but it is SO much better than nothing! YES!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

little me

I am absolutely blessed and amazed with  all the concern and replies received back from this post!!!. THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Cream, Your comments have made me really think ( as ALL of you did) and now I even HOPE my DIL goes through with this 'meeting' of which I doubt she'll even show up.  DIL is extremely insecure, a mother of 4 with different Dad's...and the 5th being my Son's.( She is extremely beautiful and also jealous of any that may look better than her....ahhh!!)
There is so much involved in this story, and in my life. lol. It's hard to know where to start.
If we do have the meeting, these comments I will put to heart and apply. I will stay calm, listen, will not butt in or defend myself but just try to 'hear' her.   I will try to repeat back to her what I heard her say, then ask what I can do to improve.   
The thing is, I'm SO TIRED, so tired of dealing with issues others put on you, I just want to be left alone and be happy. ( I sound like a little child. lol)
I have a daughter that just told me she didn't want anything to do with me, and now this. I'm so tired!!!
I Have 6 children, ( all the rest seem to think I'm ok:) and a few DIL's and SIL's and many grandkids, so I'd really like to just go somewhere for a few years where no one knows me. hah!!!
I appreciate your love and prayers and concern. Sure will let you know how it goes, if it does.:)

feeling very small....

Nana

Little Me:

Yea....Go ahead with the Meeting.  Lets see how it goes.... Yes you are tired.....I really hope that she gives you a nice surprise....Dont laugh...everything is possible in this life....or better said....  God works in misterious ways.... I hope that God touches her heart. 


Okey after the meeting....you can go to an Island just by yourself lol.   Did you know that when I was raising my kids....I really fantasized about going to an Island just by myself, a good book, Coke, and a pack of Cigarretes..  I was so tired.... car-pooling to school, baseball practice, dancing classes, Gymnastics.....go pick them up, ptg meetings, helping with my childrens'homework, making supper, getting uniforms ready for next day and putting everyone to bed....then my own problems at work.... I wanted to disappear for some time and have time alone....and sleep, sleep and sleep.

Now they are all grown up...just my oldest daughter is home with hubby and me.  I miss them so much.... but now I have the most precious gifts to crown my golden age.....my granchildren. 

Good Luck...keep us posted.
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Tara

Little me,

I wish you luck with your meeting. 

One suggetions you might consider is this:  if you
have the meeting and its difficult or you feel overwhelmed, ask if you can
take a little break and then continue.  Hopefully, the meeting will go smoothly
and be productive for you and your family.

Many blessings to you. 

Take good care of yourself Little ME.

Barbie

Little me,

I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt, what have you got to lose? That way you know you've done all that you can.
                           Good luck.