Question

[Rose799]

Have you all had an opportunity to pour out heart-felt thoughts to your estranged ds & dd's?  DH & I wrote a letter to dd.  Dh had been reluctant, but is squarely standing beside me rather than behind me now.  It was cathartic to be able to speak from the heart.   I hope & pray for a brighter future, that we will be allowed to share in dd's life & enjoy watching gs grow up.  But the choice is hers.  I feel I'm a mother once again and I can live with her decision, whatever that may be. 

Rose

[luise.volta]

I hope that works for you, R. It is so easy to misunderstand a written communication. It's a monologue of sorts and there are no voice intonations or body language clues to point the way. However, sometimes the catharsis is worth it...and I have to believe there are times it is an effective tool. Sending love...

[1Glitterati]

I can live with her decision, whatever that may be.

Good for you.

[Marilyn]

Rose,i have wrote a heartfelt letter to my son about 6 yrs ago.The advice of my counselor at the time.It had not one negative word,all positive and how much i loved and how proud i was of him.It worked as for as him calling,and saying he just wanted a new start.My Dil threw a fit,saying why is it she is always the bad guy.My counselor was shocked,she read it,and said there was nothing in the letter saying anything bad about her.It did open the door back up for my son and i to start talking again............but everything just went right back to the way it was,not answering the phone,responding to emails.My ex had a heart to heart talk,nothing change.Last Mothers day my ys invited me up because i had not had a Mothers day with my sons in 17 yrs.My os lives 15 mins from my ys,and didn't even call to wish me happy mothers day.Well,to make a long story short.My ex jumped him about it,he took off work,drove 400 miles and we talked and cryed and talked.He has not missed a day of work in 15 yrs.I know he loves me,he wants to have his relationship back with me.I thought we had a major break thru and things would work all out.But it's right back the way things were.He stands up for his family,then caves in to DIL.I have tryed everything,it's a power game for my DIL.She is not stable,i know this makes it hard on my son.But I cant allow him to treat me disrespectfully any longer either.
I guess it's going to depend upon how willing your ds & dd are at working on a relationship.
I wish you the best,hope they are receptive.

[Marilyn]

Rose your so right about hanging on to those threads of hope being so exhausting.

When we as parents keep doing all the calling,sending emails,gifts and try to stay in touch. It reminds them we love them,something they already know.We are reminding them also over and over that no matter how they treat us,we are available for more of the same-and that feeds directly into total disrespect for us on their part.

Changing the dynamic of the relationship,by no longer contacting them in any manner what so ever.....as hard as that is to do....will cause a shift in the relationship......that is a given.

If my son truly wants a relationship,it will have to be when there is a real change,and if not,then that is his choice too.I will no longer allow them to treat me with humiliating disrespect.

[luise.volta]

Viva la MIW!

[Barbie]

I wrote a short letter to my son a couple of months ago, I put a few of my thoughts on paper and asked him to read it and then tell me if anything that I wrote was unreasonable. He looked at me and said "no". For the past year things have been slowly changing for the better and I think after the letter he's become a little more understanding. I'm not getting my hopes too high though, just enjoying the moment.

[Louey0727]

I also wrote a letter to my son, as our family has never been the same since his girlfriend entered the picture.  They now have three wonderful grandchildren,  Off and on, my son would get mad at us for no reason and "ban" us from seeing the grandchildren.  Each time, it drove me nearly to a breakdown, asking "what did I do, what did I say" - - it seems that the issue is with me in terms  (lets call her his wife, they have been living together nearly nine years) of his wife.  We took a very long trip a few years ago, and I wanted to tell him how I loved him and the GC and that I am sorry if I said or did anything wrong to his wife.  It was a long letter and I said I would do anything to have them all back in our family.  We were on speaking terms at the time, but when you go on a long trip, I always feel that things should be cleared up, in case something happened to us.  I said something in the letter, that I still do not know if it was right (on the advice of the psychologist).  I said I have forgiven myself and also his wife for any wrong doings or sayings.  That I would like to have a relationship with all of them.  What I meant by forgiving myself, is I was tormented for the few "tiny little remarks" I made, which bothered me tremendously.  I tried meeting with his wife to apologize and discuss our feelings, but she declined.  When I said I forgave her, it was my way of saying I am not holding on to any grudges, and "too err is human".  I felt this was a way of healing myself.  My sons received the letter and never said anything, we left on our long trip.  When we came back, another misunderstanding took place, so trivia, but was started by his wife, and he took her side.  He then said, he had to laugh at my letter, where I said I forgave her - - he said for what, what did she do wrong.  Then he proceeded to say, that she has a drawer full of hate "emails from me".  I was not quick enough to say I would like to see them.  I have to say, this is one of the worse lies she has ever told, among others.  She has told people, she hates us and made up terrible stories about me, which were told to me and I just was in utter shock.  Well, it has now been 2-1/2 years since we have seen my son and family, all over things that I still do not know for what.  There is so much to this story, that I could write a book.  He has told people, we are dead in eyes - - again another knife to our hearts.  I find most days very difficult, but I try to compensate by telling my daughters how much I love them and compliment them.  My son has also disowned his sisters, any family member, best friends.  Give me some advice, I really do not want to die before ever seeing my son and his children. I used to be able to access Facebook and see my children, but he blocked me from his profile.  I pray and pray for some kind of answers and believe me the words that come into my mind, is let it go, but how?

[luise.volta]

Happy Birthday, Rose. We celebrate life with you! Sending love...

[Louey0727]

Dear Rose 799:
Happy Birthday and thanks you for your reply.
Like I said, there is so much to this story, but after reading posts, so much of my heartache is someway part of another ladies post.  We all share the same feelings, we love deeply, we give generously, we take so much, we go back for more.
I sometimes wonder, WHY ME, but I believe that we must have some kinds of trials and tribulations to make us stronger and to learn a lesson.  It seems though, we do follow this teaching, but when it comes to our children, we falter and forget the pain, as we are handed a crumb sometimes.
I have the most wonderful husband anyone would wish for, and my doctor, said, well what are you wasting your time on others who do not love the same way, as your husband.
Your first duty is to your husband and since he is such a good and loving man, you may be taking your energy in the wrong direction and should focus on being "the best possible wife".  I really do try most of the time, but then "boom" the sadness sets in.
Again, Happy Birthday and spend your day happily.
Best Wishes, Helen

[luise.volta]

We are your extended family. Drop in any time and you will find you are not alone...not really. Sending love...

[luise.volta]

It's not understandable. Trying to understand beyond a certain point can be circuitous. And there's no right thing to do. Every solution has an up side and a down side. We all struggle with those facts and have to choose. Sending love...

[Tara]

Rose,  I appreciate getting to know you on WW and wish you well.  These are hard things to deal with but
with support I know you can do it.

[Pen]

Very lovely, Rose799. It definitely applies to having a disabled child, and to a lot of life's twists and turns. Thanks for sharing.

My situation with DIL and her FOO is more like "Welcome to East Berlin." They and DS are on the West Berlin side enjoying the good life together, and DH & I have been quarantined behind the wall.

[Rose799]