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new day, new issiue

Started by erma, November 14, 2010, 08:40:12 AM

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erma

absolutely its maintaining the values he has. his values. not mine. that's why in my post earlyer, i say,

Quoteall i can do is say my concerns, maybe he will take heed, maybe not.

Quotenope, hes a big boy, he must deal with his own.

as his mom, i will pull him aside, let him know my concerns in private, what he does with it is his choice.
however, dil in the past, and probably now, made his life a living hell if he did not go along with her wishes.  before ds married her, she wanted him to move in with her and her foo. ds had a pair then, and told her," no way, if you want to live with you foo, i will not marry you"
that was a long time ago and now he has a child in the equation.
this is the scenario i see.....    they walk away from the house, claim bankruptcy, they move in with dil's foo, and then wham! they get their wages garnished, and are unable to move out of dil's foo, and their stuck!  i know my son isn't in love with the way her foo has handled situations in the past, including a recent one.
so if the (projected) scenario happens, i will be heartbroken for my ds and gc.

and im not trying to be argumentative or unkind either.

JaneF

I was shocked to read this post! What a coincidence. My DS and DIL just moved in with her mother last month because "her mom needed help because she just got a divorce after 27 yrs of marriage". That sometimes happens when you are unfaithful to spouse! I feel bad for your situation, they are not making a sound financial decision obviously. I just can't really believe this is actually all for more yard though...i smell a rat. Hope they get sound advice from professional. She is an accountant, but I am not sure I'd trust her financial advice if she'd consider this dumb plan! Living with other family members isn't always easy either, they may resent lack of privacy soon. And like previously said, if you damage credit like that you'll be renting for a long time when they ask you to leave (or you choose to leave). Good grief, file bankruptcy several times to not have to pay debts? Had folks I know that did that 4 times at least grrrr. AFTER MAX OUT ALL CREDIT CARDS TO GET NEW STUFF FIRST OF COURSE!  ::)

seasage

Quote from: erma on November 14, 2010, 12:26:43 PM
this is the scenario i see.....    they walk away from the house, claim bankruptcy, they move in with dil's foo, and then wham! they get their wages garnished, and are unable to move out of dil's foo, and they're stuck!

To a WW with a strong little devil on her left shoulder: Please give this message to your little devil and send him over to erma's DS.

erma


MrsKitty

Erma-I think this is a situation that you'll have to let your son make his decisions on his own with is wife (I think this is what you plan to do, anyway). I know that you want to help, but think that if you do get him to change his mind, his wife will be angry with you and they will probably end up letting the home go any way. Your son is a grown married man with a child, he needs to start standing on his own two feet and making his own decisions (be they good or bad) with his wife. He may have been telling you in the hopes that you would step in, but I think you know that this simply isn't your place to do so. Three or four or five people in a marriage is too many--I think you agree that only two people fit in a marriage. I mean, what would you think if your DH brought your MIL in to the middle of your financial decisions? I am guessing that you would not be happy with that.  As you said--he is a big boy and he needs to make his own big boy decisions. Good luck.

Marilyn

Erma,maybe you could just say something like.........I guess I'm just not a risk taker,i would be so afraid of...............then tell him why you could never do that.And you prefer to play it safe.

Tara

Erma   I agree with Mom in waiting that saying something in a simple neutral voice tone  (not too long winded like I might be ;- )  )  regarding

'my concern is_______)  then as mom you have said something which I do believe we have a right to do so  in these kinds of situations.

At this point you know what is happening  maybe  go do something good for yourself:  a walk, yoga, movie, what ever you do that rests your mind.  its tough to detach but essential if you are to have some peace of mind.  I know its easier said than done, (for me when I get stressed over an issue anyway)

I was at a talk over the weekend about meditation and the mind and this  example was given:  When the mind gets totally
focused on an issue (like this one) its like taking a magnifying glass and holding close to the skin in the hot sun.  It will burn you.
but if you can pull back a bit and redirect your attention  it can be helpful and less suffering

Peace to you Erma


erma

morning ladies!
no concerns, im ok.  i have "dumped" the issiue. i softly gave him my concerns as a mom, gave him the websites and materials to read, told him what ever they decided i would stand by it, i didnt have to agree, but i would stand by it, i said i love you, and dropped it.
he didnt get upset at all, (although he wasnt in DIL's presence) he even said thanks mom, i know your concerned about me. i just said, yep, its a mom thing.
still dont know what they have decided, but they will probably end up walking away.
not my deal. their deal. i have enough on my plate, dont need anybody elses to deal with.
so, on with the holidays!

Tara


catchingup

Quote from: MrsKitty on November 15, 2010, 12:48:58 PM
Erma-I think this is a situation that you'll have to let your son make his decisions on his own with is wife (I think this is what you plan to do, anyway). I know that you want to help, but think that if you do get him to change his mind, his wife will be angry with you and they will probably end up letting the home go any way. Your son is a grown married man with a child, he needs to start standing on his own two feet and making his own decisions (be they good or bad) with his wife. He may have been telling you in the hopes that you would step in, but I think you know that this simply isn't your place to do so. Three or four or five people in a marriage is too many--I think you agree that only two people fit in a marriage. I mean, what would you think if your DH brought your MIL in to the middle of your financial decisions? I am guessing that you would not be happy with that.  As you said--he is a big boy and he needs to make his own big boy decisions. Good luck.

I agree wholeheartedly with what Kitty says here but you could think up the biggest cock and bull story you heard from a friend about someone else who did this and--well!!! see if he listens

Secondly I would tell it in front of DIL by firstly saying that any decision they make is their business but..........

Marilyn

I was at a talk over the weekend about meditation and the mind and this  example was given:  When the mind gets totally
focused on an issue (like this one) its like taking a magnifying glass and holding close to the skin in the hot sun.  It will burn you.
but if you can pull back a bit and redirect your attention  it can be helpful and less suffering

Thanks Tara.............Very GOOD advice!!!

luise.volta

I sure like the magnifying glass analogy (or is it a metaphor?) Very useful! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Orly

Quote from: seasage on November 14, 2010, 12:40:03 PM
Quote from: erma on November 14, 2010, 12:26:43 PM
this is the scenario i see.....    they walk away from the house, claim bankruptcy, they move in with dil's foo, and then wham! they get their wages garnished, and are unable to move out of dil's foo, and they're stuck!

To a WW with a strong little devil on her left shoulder: Please give this message to your little devil and send him over to erma's DS.

OMG!  My little devil is jumping up and down on my shoulder, pulling not only his hair out by the fistfuls but mine too!  This would be a hill for me to die on, ladies.  No way in paradise lost, would I go along with my spouse ruining our credit rating for years to come...to get out from under a mortgage/loan/obligation because of a whim.  And the reason given to Erma is a whim.  Selling the house at a loss or refinancing and regrouping later on down the road makes more sense.   I definitely would not be steering any business to the firm that employs a family member with such shoddy tactics either.  GAAAAHHH! I'm sorry Erma...but, GAAAAAHHHH!

luise.volta

It seems to me that we're talking ethics here. Sometimes, unfortunately, an old fashioned word.

And I have seen people "ruin their credit" and still get more in a blink of the eye. Boggles the mind...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Orly

I agree to a point Luise,  it used to be that way but now credit is drying up and getting much harder to find.  People with no ticks on their ratings are being turned down.  When it gets harder and harder to qualify...that is when a person needs to make sure their rating is shining and blemish free.  Having grown up with a freer lifestyle than us older people...our children really do not have a clue what can happen to them.  And some of our generation are having the slap of sticker shock yank them up short too.