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Ambivalent about Possible Visit PART 2

Started by justdontunderstand, November 13, 2010, 12:28:33 pm

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I don't think you are wrong...but you are thwarted. It's an expectation that is not being met...no matter how logical it might be. It would aid in self-love to have it fulfilled but it is counter-productive to not seek self-love beyond it...IMHO. We have conflicting emotions and we have to constantly sort through them to act in our own best interested. And you're right, we were taught...and yes, mastered, not to put acting in our own best interest as our top priority. It's a very sticky wicket.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


WOW! Well said Luise! You are indeed a very wise woman. There are lots of wise women here, and I am in awe.


Yes Luise,  wise woman indeed.  Am grateful to have you in my life.

question:  what does IMHO mean?



That one took me forever to figure out! In My Humble Opinion.  ;)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I thought it was "In My Honest Opinion" I was close..


You gave me FFT (food for thought)! Perhaps, what might help is for me to say to myself, "I would prefer that DIL apologize. I would prefer that we talk about these problems but I don't NEED it". This might be more self affirming than feeling the need as an unmet one.

Many thanks!


JDU, why would you want to hug her?   I think you should treat her as an acquaintance.  You wouldn't hug your neighbour 2 doors over would you?

If you were at a party, and a friend of a friend was there, what would you do?  You would likely engage the friend with a few questions to the friend of the friend.  Do that.  Ask about the flight, the food, the weather at home.

It sounds to me like you're making more out of this than is there.  Like you want to treat her like a daughter, but she thinks of you as an acquaintance.  Give her time to 'come around' and then leave her be, without feeling hurt, if she doesn't.

I agree that the best you can hope for is "civil".

Good luck.



In my case I feel my DIL is not my daughter but defenitely more than an acquaintance, in spite of the differences we may have, she is my DS's wife. I always greet her with a hug, I feel it's important specially when she comes to my house to let her know that she's welcome, I can't help that she always feels "uncomfortable" I think it's mainly because she's insecure but I don't pay attention to that so much anymore, as I said I treat her like I would any other guest, the rest is up to her.


November 15, 2010, 10:12:54 am #25 Last Edit: November 15, 2010, 10:40:07 am by luise.volta
Yes, hugs can be lethal. I hugged my step-daughter the first time we met and she grabbed both of my arms and slammed than down at my sides while giving me such a look of malice that I cringe recalling it. Twenty-one years latter...she hugs Val to pieces and still gives me a wide birth. Is it about me? I don't think so.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Oh  luise,how humiliating..........how could you ever be comfortable around her again?I'm sure you weren't :'(


I do my best and I honestly think she does, too. And I learned something about invading other people's space, uninvited, that I needed to know. Still it was/is awful. Val hugged both of my sons when he met them and he got wonderful bear-hugs back. From my step-son I get duty-hugs for lack of a better word. We just aren't all warm-fuzzy folk. And some of us are more selective than others. I hug trees and Snowmen!  ;D ;D ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Hello-I thought I would log in with a few conversation ideas and also perhaps provide some insight into why your DIL may be clamming up about talking to you. Sometimes, DILs feel that they must keep information to their MILs to a minimum. Their reasons vary. Some DILS get tied of hearing from their DH what MIL thinks she should do about her home, her children, her job, etc. So, they try to stop the information so that they don't get so much unwanted advice. I'm not saying that you do this--just giving examples. Also, some DILs are more private and if they have a MIL who tends to like to gossip, they don't want to give the MIL information that she will then tell others (again, not saying that you do this, but this is another example). Then, there are DILs who are shy or may be unfriendly and this could also be a reason (not saying that either is true of your DIL). I think that the why isn't as important here as finding a way to have a nice visit in which you come away feeling happy and your DIL comes away feeling happy. You know that for whatever reason, your DIL is not comfortable talking about herself to you. I wouldn't try to force the issue. Think about how you would feel if someone kept asking you personal questions that you didn't want to answer--it would likely make you not want to talk to them in the future. I think you should talk about other things--like recent newspaper articles you have read or any common interests you have. If you both like gardening--talk to her about that. Do you both like food or restaurants? Ask her about her favorite places to eat. Ask her about her favorite dishes from these restaurants. Tell her about your favorites.  If you both like a certain movie or TV show, talk about that. When she shares something with you, always give a positive response and offer a follow up question that indicates you are interested in what she is saying. If she says: "I really like Jake's Diner because they have the best burgers." You could say: "Oh, I'd really love to try that some time--do you know how they prepare them?"  I think the key is not to keep asking personal questions if she has made it clear that she is not comfortable answering such questions. If you keep things light, you may find that she is more open to conversation. Good luck.


Very useful, it seems to me. What a mine field...sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama