Emotionally disturbed 20 year old

[AZGMA]

I really am at a loss how to proceed.  I turn 69 in a few weeks.  My partner and I raised my 20y/o GS from age 7, and he has always been emotionally disturbed,  was in special ed all through school because he was so disruptive, and his home behavior was worse.  We had help from mental health agencies, medications, etc., but it has never been easy or cuddly.  He has been away living with a girlfriend in another state since he was 18, and we were relieved; we have grown accustomed to peace and quiet. 

He recently enlisted in the US Army, goes to boot camp in February.  He is home for 3 months until then, no job, girlfriend with her mom in California.  I am grateful for a very supportive partner, but his patience is wearing thin with a young man who is off meds, always loudly disdainful and disrespectful, lies constantly, angrily demands immediate gratification (although he does not receive it, but it gives him an excuse to escalate), and he is sometimes very scary during meltdown.   One night when we he came home in a highly agitated, demanding, threatening state, we told him to leave, and when he threatened to throw a brick through our plate glass door, we called the Sheriff.  He asked if he could ever come home, and I told him we'd discuss it in 2 weeks.  He stayed with one friend or another until he ran out of such friends - he does not ever give back - he was on foot, homeless and hungry, and I  let him come back after he said had been robbed of his backpack and warm sweatshirt.  The evening before my partner had taken him food at a local gas station because he called collect to say he was really hungry.  We paid for his car to be fixed so that he was not trapped here with his terrible temper - for our own sake, because my heart could not handle his being on his own on foot.  We live three miles from the nearest store, in a semi-rural area 25 miles from a city.  Of course, a car doesn't help without gasoline, as he soon discovered.

I did not expect him to have changed, do not expect gratitude (for my own sake).  He tells me he is only here so he can use the telephone and get out of the cold, he would be anywhere else if he could be (everyone else in the extended and out-of-state family is done with helping him, as are all his friends) as though having him be here was a reward to us.  It definitely is not.

So, I am hoping someone here has gone through transitioning a young person like this into adult life and can give me suggestions. 

[luise.volta]

I don't have any background in working with this kind of situation. I wish I could think of something that might help. I can't imagine that an Army Career will work out...or even how he got in. Sending love...

[AZGMA]

I don't imagine it will either, but I think he's drawn to the security, the structure, and the excitement.  Maybe they will help him to accept help if he can't adjust.  And I agree that it is scary the Army is enlisting kids like this.  Meanwhile, am trying to figure out a 3 month solution in which we don't lose our peace of mind ... on the one hand from his entitlement (dependency) blowups...on the other hand I saw i couldn't live at peace inside myself with the idea of his being hungry, cold, and alone.

[erma]

dear azgma
unfortunately, people with extreme behavioral/ mental disorders, NEED extreme and constant, round the clock, structure. following through repetitively, with consequences, when outbursts of disruption occur must be adhered to, for their security, and yours.
if he refuses to take his meds, there must be a consequence, same for the outbursts. as far as in-listing in the army, with my experience anyway, probably the BEST thing he could ever do. 
ie... extreme round the clock structure, with consequences!

[AZGMA]

Thanks, ERMA, I thought as well that if he has a chance anywhere, the military would be it.  Which I guess is why I am trying to come up with something to get us/him through until February.  Since every day is an adventure...once you think it's going to be one way, another twist or turn makes it appearance. 

Am imagining I am surfing, trying to keep my sense of humor, and putting lots of fun activities into my life.

[luise.volta]

Yes, marking off the 90 days on an imaginary calendar. "This, too, shall pass" and we're here for you. Sending love...