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How do I grieve this death

Started by Renet, November 09, 2010, 06:58:49 PM

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Tara

Laurie,

Thank you so much for sharing your story and process of dealing with your DIL (and other family members). 

It is quite powerful and I will be reflecting on how you are dealing with the issues of setting boundaries.  Thank you
again.  What a great idea to set up auto withdrawl for loans. Have not heard or thought of that except with professional loans.
Great way to sidestep future problems.


"We do not infringe on her time with her parents, and I think my ds should expect the same". 
                Yes,  I can respect and appreciate this.


You know, sometimes I don't feel I can say no to my son.  I'm trying to understand  'walking on egg shells"  because I know I feel like that alot with DS and DIL and I think not being able to say no w/o feeling guilty is a big part of it.    Like just recently not spending a day traveling each way to visit dil and ds when were acting defensive and unkind was a huge step for me. (I was very polite when postponing the trip)  I'm not quite the wimp I make myself out to be, I have been addressing ds's behavior of late and calmly.  I  appreciate that you are polite and respectful but hold onto your own wishes and boundaries. 

So much to think about I will read this over and reflect some more this week.


     

Faithlooksup

Dear Renet,  Yes, I would tell the other Mother everything--she may not know and if she is a counselor--she just needs to know that you are alive, that you are hurting and that you want to be a part of your Grandchildrens life as well.  Tell her you have not seen them for years now and ask her if she would happen to know just why...  However, I would NOT tell her about reading her blog-just yet...
This is not a death yet Renet--so go after Mom and find out what is going on, be frank and to the point yet gentle and kind.  Write to her and let us know what happens...
Blessings and HUGS,
Faith

Keys Girl

Dear Renet, I wouldn't tell the other mother anything.  It could be misinterpreted, repeated and gossiped about for ages.


To go back to the subject line, it is a type of grief that we aren't familiar with.......our generation didn't necessarily enjoy the company of our family members but there was strong pressure to at least put up with them and not offend in such an aggressive fashion as outright rejection.

The only thing I know is that I'm going to keep living my own life in my own way, I don't yet have any grandchildren and even if the day comes when I do, I may never see them.  I've started writing up stories about my life to leave behind in case the day comes when they will not be able to speak to me but will be able to learn about me from these writings.  I dredge up the memories and the great times come flooding back so it helps me with the feelings of loss.

Elizabeth Edwards has certainly left us with a great example on how to live graciously in the midst of great pain and suffering (from cancer and her husband's indiscretions).  She's a great role model and I hope to carry on in her style.

Good luck,
KG

"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Pen

Elizabeth Edwards was a class act, for sure.

I'm not sure this rejection of family is just a modern-day thing...my DF didn't know how to accept my DDD when she was diagnosed and her disabilities became obvious. He and his wife, my SM, although well-educated professionals who should know better, have always dismissed her as being beneath their concern. They are PC enough to be stealthy about it, but their feelings have been made known in other ways. We've experienced rejection due to DDD's disabilities from people who were our good friends previously - some were quite honest about not being able to handle anyone who wasn't attractive and able.

How sad for all when some people narrow their world view so strictly as to only include those who meet their impossibly high standards.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

LaurieS

Ladies.. this is an FYI - Renet is not a member of these boards at this time.  You are always welcome to post in general, but directing the postings to her will most likely go unread.

Faithlooksup

Oh for cryin out loud....I didn't know that.....So I am writing to a wall huh?????  She should become a member :o