Neighbors from: Need your Help Please

[Pooh]

5 Margaritas on there way including margarita salt (was going to send margarita rim sugar too but remembered the healthy post sugar thingy).  Actually, guess you should forgo the salt too!

Rah Rah Ree...kick em in the knee...Rah Rah Rass...kick em in the.....other knee!

[Rose799]

Tonight's the meeting.  Let me hear that MIL Unite fight song!  Rah rah zis boom bah, fimalacky fimalacky foom ah hah!

How did it go, Kathleen? 

[kathleen]

Rose and all,

I didn't update you sooner because at the Monday night meeting to discuss the excavation pit, the chairman's election was simply put off.  It was on the agenda but the meeting ran late, as always with this chaotic unfocused group, and everyone simply left.

I had taken on an assignment to write a draft of the statement of the Conservation board to deliver to the all-important hearing next Wednesday, where the zoning board will decide on the pit permit (or not.)  A writer's nightmare is to write by group and that's what's happening now.

Another woman and I agreed to start the draft together.  She and a third woman wanted to be co-chairs of the board, so you can imagine what happened.   They both did everything possible to undermine me.  The third woman was brought in and started re-writing, producing ghastly and unreadable copy.  I sent a clear rewrite in good form.  Instead of using it, they submitted their draft to a special meeting last night.  My draft didn't even include much of what they had since they sent it to me too late to use it.

All that is a long-winded description of just some of the antics and games that have gone on with this board.   At a meeting a few weeks ago, the town secretary, an irascible no-nonsense man, raged that the "Conservation board has done nothing, nothing, to prevent the pit."  The board could have required a large bond and taken other actions to prevent this nightmare but didn't.  You can see why.  People are far more vested in games and ego trips than in getting to the point of doing something good.

So last night before the special meeting I sat and wrote the pseudo-chairman an email.  I said that roles were getting confused and clarity was needed.  I had decided if they didn't hold the election for chairman last night, I would see them through the zoning hearing and leave.  I was so upset by the time I wrote I'm sure my blood pressure was sky high.  He took it seriously, they had the election, the two cats didn't want me but had no choice as it was felt we needed a chairman before the big hearing.  So I got elected to the probably thankless job.  Today I received yet another statement draft from the woman who wrested control, eliminating all I had written.  So now it is getting nasty.

I can never understand why people cannot stick to the bottom line of a project or issue, particularly when it is this important.

I didn't sleep well and am exhausted.

And angry at the folly of some human beings, who will risk an entire town for a little bit of ego.  Are they that pathetic in their own lives that all they can do is scrap for a tiny bit of negative recognition? 

Kathleen

[Faithlooksup]

Hi Kathleen.....OK~~~Stay Strong and focused the fight is on.....Do Not focus on the "scrap & crap" for of course they are going to throw that at you...remember you are the new kid in town and people usually do not take to highly with new people changeing things, but that is just to bad for you are doing what is RIGHT.....Do NOT drown in their negativity and stupidity for that is what they want.....BUT you know better and that is what makes the difference....

Stay focused on what is right...you can turn this all around and make those 2 women cats look stupid.  People, will, unfortunately do what ever it takes to get a scrap of recognition no matter how negative it is...BUT you know better and have caught on to it, so let them know.....You have got the tools which is knowledge, now use it....sharpen your claws and gooooo girl.   Negativity does NOT win Kathleen remember that.......Get your 3 cents worth out there and show'em what your made out of................YOU go Kathleen.....WAR CRY......

Sending Positive Vibes your way.....Faith

[Rose799]

Good grief, Kathleen!  You are a WW with a lot of spunk, just don't allow them to wear you down to the point of getting sick.  Your health takes first priority... 

Hugs,
Rose

[kathleen]

Faith and Rose,

Needed your wise words today like a desert needs water.  Thank you.

It's always especially disheartening when women gang up on another.  There was a famous article from MS. mag's early days called "Trashing."  It perfectly outlined this kind of ganging-up and trying to destroy another "sister."  (Ha.  We are past those days of using that word.)  I wish I still had it.  I had a job once where this happened.  Four women in lesser positions (I was running the organization) ganged up, first on my predecessor---which I didn't know when I took the job---then on me.  My predecessor ended up having a nervous breakdown, unable to work again for months.  I wasn't that bad but did have to leave and was jobless, so I went to graduate school to try to understand it and to make sure it wouldn't happen again.

Women can be the best (here) or the worst (my board.)  We really have not learned to work together in any professional or similar setting, in too many cases.

Loved your replies,

Kathleen

[kathleen]

Oh my gosh.  I just looked up "Trashing MS Magazine article" and it immediately came up.  Apparently it was the most commented-on article to date (1976) when it was published.

In my next Reply I will send the URL so you can read the entire article.  I think every one of us should read it, as some of the wisdom in this article applies to the behavior of some of our DIL's.

Kathleen

Here is the definition of the term from the article: Strong words:


"What is "trashing," this colloquial term that expresses so much, yet explains so little? It is not disagreement; it is not conflict; it is not opposition. These are perfectly ordinary phenomena which, when engaged in mutually, honestly, and not excessively, are necessary to keep an organism or organization healthy and active. Trashing is a particularly vicious form of character assassination which amounts to psychological rape. It is manipulative, dishonest, and excessive. It is occasionally disguised by the rhetoric of honest conflict, or covered up by denying that any disapproval exists at all. But it is not done to expose disagreements or resolve differences. It is done to disparage and destroy."

[kathleen]

Here is the URL for "Trashing: The Dark Side of Sisterhood."  I'm so glad to have found it again.  When I was being trashed in a feminist-run job, this article was my Bible. 

The use of only first names, "Joreen," "Bev," etc., surely takes me back to my early days in the feminist movement.

Although the situation here is far different from what we go through with our DIL's, some of the tactics described are the same, particularly in my case the covering over of the truth with a facade that we, in fact not she, are responsible for what is happening due to her actions.

Kathleen


http://www.jofreeman.com/joreen/trashing.htm

[Faithlooksup]

Good Lord Kathleen,  I have Not read the entire article, I did do a lot of skimming, but I get the jist of it all.  I have also seen this happen to women I have worked with...great women being "trashed" and I refused to be involved, of course by then your neck may become next on the platter.    Women are jealous as well as  big bullies....to demean another human being for your own self satisfaction~gratification is pretty sick in my book.....They are pathetic.....

BUT, with your 2 women Kathleen, remember you are new...so they are thinking "who the hell are you to come into my town and tell us what to do.."  Then, they know you are not stupid so they are going to play ring around the rosy with you...Like I said as long as you let them know the games they are playing they might back down...Just come out and tell them..."Hey I am not here to play games with you...I have more important things in my life going on---I do NOT need your drama, nor am I going to get hooked into your crap."  Just tell them "BACK OFF BI@$#"  and walk away.....   Kathleen, they are not signing your paycheck, nor are they paying your mortgage, they have NO value in your life so give them a hard time too..... ROOOOAAAAARRRRRR says the big kitty....  GOOOO get them...

[Pooh]

I just finished this and the article and I am with Pen on this.  Where I used to live in a small town, any new female that came in that had brains and common sense, was considered a threat.  I can't tell you how many times I heard the phrase Pen said along with "She thinks because she has a college education that she needs to come in and save all us poor country hicks."

Don't get me wrong, I actually did see several of those type of women come in and think that country people didn't know anything, but those like you, that sincerely wanted to help, were unfortunately often lumped into that category too.  Even though you are having trouble with a couple of female dogs, to be elected shows there are people that are on your side and believe in you.  So congratulations on the election and you stick to your guns.  Psssshh.....after dealing with some of our DILS, taking on a whole town is nothing!

ROOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!

[Pen]

"Did I say that?"

Dear Pooh, as much as I love adulation, I don't believe I can take credit...or else my memory is really poor. It could go either way.

Kathleen, you know what you're up against and what is required. Don your armour, pick up your spear, get into warrior mode. We're here for you all the way. Thanks for the link, I'd read that article many years ago but had forgotten about it. We will probably always have to deal with trashing in some form or another, unfortunately.

[Pooh]

Oh lol!  My bad....it was Faith!  Sorry Pen!

[Faithlooksup]

Kathleen~~~Where are you and what is going on NOW?  Remember ROARRRRR like a lion..

Faith

[luise.volta]

We're all growling...hear our mighty roar? We're with you K. 

[kathleen]

Well, I'm not sure you guys really want the details of the latest mess with the gravel pit, but since you asked, here goes nothing.

Once more trashing me, one of the two women giving me trouble put out the meeting agenda for the next regular meeting next week.  This is the job and right of the chairperson, and never goes out earlier than two days before the meeting, so clearly she was chopping me off at the knees. (She would like to kill me, but so far can't get away with it.)  As this is the job of the chairman (lucky me) it was an open act of war against any authority I might have and yet another of her efforts to show me up as a complete idiot (which I am, for joining this board).  Next, I reported problems (sans any names) to a man on the board.  He can be a nice guy or a total egomaniac, but he is always 100% sure his opinions are correct.  I think he was enjoying the cat fight.  He informed me the board has absolutely no such communication, delegation, role, or agreement problems such as I reported.  Denial is sweet.  Think Emperor's New Clothes.

Since then I have been cut out of any information circulating from the board at all. 

Meanwhile back at the ranch, the lawyers for the gravel pit met in a closed session with the town secretary and gathered a bunch of documents (intimidation.)  Then, suddenly this morning, after re-scheduling the hearing once already for a snow storm, the date was changed from the 9th (this week) to the 22nd, and not on the regular Zoning board night.  My own opinion?  The lawyers for the other side wanted it to happen during Presidents week when many here take their kids and go south or on vacation.  They further confused the issue by picking a night that wasn't regular for Zoning.  That way, fewer citizens are likely to show up.

I met with the man who proposed me for chairman.  He suggested I "take the bull by the horns" (only in this case it's not a bull but a big cow) and force the agenda we need for the next regularly schedule board meeting (are you still with me, or have you rightfully left to watch Oprah?)
So this morning I tried, going outside to another source to complicated to report here.  You can guess what this got me:  an overwhelmingly loud, long, silence.

The man who proposed me also told me straight out that the "hidden agenda" is to accept this pit instead of a housing development.  I think that's why the two women continue to act out against me, as they know I'm sincerely working against the pit.  Snakes in the grass they are,
with their "hidden agendas." 

My best friend is screaming at me in emails to resign; I think if I don't, I won't lose her friendship but certainly her esteem.  It's so important for me, she says, to see it's a no-win situation and that every transaction with these clowns will end in humiliation and stress.  So I'm planning my resignation letter probably to be submitted in a day or two.  I can't stand it any longer and just want my life back.  Hubby says if the pit goes thru, the house goes on the market. My friend agrees with you, Luise, when you said there are plenty of good places to live where a gravel pit doesn't own the town.  I'm very sad about the man who organized the citizens group against the pit.  He knows all about the members of the board and thought I was the biggest hope on the board.  He has done such a great job of organizing people and getting them involved, educated, and moving.  I think he is the true hope for the whole thing.  He was so excited, overjoyed, when he found out I was Chairman.

Well, you asked!  The only decision left is whether or not to tell them the real reason I am resigning (after 10 days as chair) or leave them to their imaginations.  Having successfully opted for the high road in many past dealings, including with my DIL, I will probably send an oblique one or two sentences citing the "sudden press of business" and leave them to their graveyard.

Pen, thanks so much for all your support.  I truly value it.

Pooh, as you said, this is a small town---320 people (soon to be 318, I hope.)  To think I came here to escape the grind of the city!  Now only a different kind of grind is available, and it ain't coffee!

Thanks for sharing,

Kathleen