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Please, everyone's opinion needed

Started by 2chickiebaby, September 16, 2009, 08:57:40 am

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The last time distant DIL and son came here,(this time, son said they would spend the night, which made me feel so good.  They haven't in the past because we apparently have too much dust as I told you.  I have a maid once a week, please!  Her house is a pig stye, not that I care.)

They came in unannounced....within a few hours of saying they were coming.

I called our other son and DIL to let them know that Son, DIL and the kids were all here and would they like to come over?  They live in our town.

They didn't come over.  First of all, they said, "we have already made plans". 

I could see that distant DIL was fuming and I had my feelings so hurt for her!!  I could tell that beneath the fuming was hurt because other son and DIL didn't come over even though they had plans. 

I was broken hearted.  The next day, son and DIL said they WOULD come over here and hour after hour passed and they never showed up.

Distant DIL said: "I'm so sick and tired of this!! Waiting for them to come over when we're here!"

I was so hurt for her!!  I called son and DIL and said, "they're leaving"

Son said, "I got held up, we were moving some furniture around.  It was getting so late by then that I just told them it was too late"

Distant DIL stomped around and fumed with folded arms and said, "get your stuff (talking to the kids and her husband) and as she walked down the driveway to her car she said, "you go where you're most comfortable!!! That's why we don't come here"

I was so hurt for her...I can't tell you!!  But, I thought, "our son IS comfortable here!  It's you who aren't comfortable and son has to do what she says or else"

I need to know how to think about this.  What do you all think?


Boy, this is a difficult one (I think).

This year I've had similarities with both sons and their wives dissin' their brothers and brother's wives. 

I am working on not taking this as something against me as the mother -- that my kids are not getting along or aren't close (my sons are ALL half-brothers of each other, so I'm the uniting factor -- the older they get, the less they seem to feel like family. One son has turned more to his wife's family, the other's wife loves his dad's family more.  My youngest so far sticks with me, but it's a matter of time.    It's just me, and I don't have the Big Family to offer anymore.   When I kick off, I expect they will never see each other, like distant cousins :(  makes me sad).   

In any case, you are damned if you do, damned if you don't say anything.   If it were me, I would express sympathy with the distant DIL without passing judgment on the other son and his wife.  You never know when that will get expressed back to them.

And I might ask son #2 what gives, and say I thought the others were hurt and suggest he touch base with them.  Or let you know if they just would rather not be around the other brother and wife.   You can, of course, ask them to do so for your sake but... if they are miserable or passive aggressive being around each other, maybe this is something that can't happen.  :( 

But it's really up to them to work this out between themselves.

Not like when they were younger and we had some kind of "mom says you have to" influence on them.  Grown people, maybe they just don't like each other. 


It's a damned if you do and damned if you don't.  I did tell distant DIL that I was so sorry.

I dare not say anything to the other one because his wife (who I am close to) would be mad.  So I'm caught in the middle. 

These boys were SO CLOSE and it kills my soul that distant DIL and her antics drove them apart!!  But, at the same time, don't you love your brother no matter who he's married to?  I do. 

I know it's none of my business but as a Mother, it is so hard.  I have just got to give up taking all this on my shoulders. 


Or let you know if they just would rather not be around the other brother and wife.

That's what I was thinking as well when I read this.  it sounds like the other son and DIL were making up exuses not to come over.  Could it be that they just don't want to be around the difficult DIL?


Thank you, Just2be, I can't ask close DIL and son whether they'd rather not....because it would make close DIL mad and I'd lose her.

I know they'd rather not be around distant DIL but she doesn't realize how she is~!!!  She's nearly destroyed me, our entire family but still, I know she has no idea. 

It's just hopeless and I'll have to let the chips fall where they may. Why do I get so hurt over these things???   I put myself in everyone else's shoes. 

I'm such a nutcase.


September 16, 2009, 02:32:01 pm #5 Last Edit: September 16, 2009, 02:44:55 pm by just2baccepted
If you're a nutcase then I'm a nutcase too.  Because I tend to walk on eggshells around people and sometimes I'm even fake around certain people out of fear of upsetting them and running them off.  It's a crappy way to live our lives but some of us are just like that.  I try to be myself but I just can't do it no matter how long I've known someone or how long I've worked with them.  The only person that sees the real me is my husband.  I don't know why that is.  Fear of losing people I guess??

because it would make close DIL mad and I'd lose her.

I think I'd worry about that same thing too but rational thinking people might get upset or mad at you but they'll get over it and you won't "lose" them.  I think you're feeling so worried about losing the other DIL because of the difficult DIL  that you let yourself feel this way.  I do this same thing.  There's always at least one or two people that treat me like garbage at work or in my family and then it makes you paranoid about the other people around you, I know, been there done that!! 


Dear Just2be,
We have so much in common both politically, spiritually and emotionally.  We are sensitive souls with a lot of love to give.  You're precious.  I can feel it.


I also get that it's between them. It was played out at your house and so it probably feels like you are involved but they are adults.

And it's too heavy for you to carry when it isn't yours and there's nothing you can do about it.

I'm touched that you felt sorry of distant DIL and I got that she doesn't see herself as others do.

Tough stuff...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


It is awful....but thank you for knowing how I feel.  I know I can't help what's going on but it sure feels bad.  I feel sorry for people who only have sons.  Boys are wonderful, usually to raise, mine sure were.  It completely changes when other personalities come in.

As an MIL, I was totally blindsided by the whole thing. Hurt beyond belief and I did and still do feel like a shooting target.  Distant DIL knows me and performed like a dream girl when I first met her.  It happens all the time.  I'm not alone but I sure feel alone.


Last night my DIL asked me to go out to dinner. She was over working on their burned out lot, where their park-model home burned to the ground in April and my son was at a business meeting.

Hubby and I were over having dinner at the main building together, so I got her Voicemail when I got home.

Funny thing was, I brought half of my way-too-big portions home which I *never* do. I called her back and took dinner out to her. She was so appreciative and we had a great visit. Nothing has changed in my relationship with my son since they married except he has been gloriously happy for the last 15 years...and she's the cause of that.  :D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


That's so good....she's a treasure and gift to you~! 


You know -- in essence, what "expectations" I have of my DIL's   that's the only one that matters -- that my sons are happy with them.

(and the given one, that I'd still be considered a member of the family)


That is so true, AnnieB...distant DIL has not formally kicked us out.  I appreciate that. 

I told Luise one time that I wished that she had shot hurt so much the way she treated me. 

I think I might be gradually feeling glad she didn't.  You know, all of you on this site have been so supportive (it makes a difference, you know)

Oh well, I guess you just start from where you are, huh?


I feel sorry for people who only have sons.

This is something I've been wanting to ask about for sometime.  But this statement jogged my memory.

I've been noticing a pattern.  It seems as though the MIL's on this site are only have  trouble w/ DIL not SIL's.  Is there anybody out there roaming on this site that is having difficult SIL's??  Maybe a SIL who is jealous and tries to push out daughter's family??  I know it must happen.  ???


I only had sons but of my four "sort of" is single and three have great husbands who would do anything for me at the drop of a hat. They're wonderful!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama