October 22, 2019, 06:14:55 pm

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


puzzeled

Started by erma, November 09, 2010, 11:06:22 am

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Tara

Ah yes, I know that symdrome!

erma

yes, it may seem that way. she thanked us (let alone, emailed us) for the first time in a very long time, (6 years) and she did it through email a week AFTER she received her b-day present from us. now, she has not thanked us in years, she complains to ds, and we hear bits and pieces from him.
the only reason she emailed was to get us to bite on her hook, and see if we would comment on them not showing up for GM's "last holiday".    we didn't bite.   no more words, no more emails. when i replied to her email, i simple said, "glad you liked it" as someone so wisely referred on here.   ;)  and guess what? NO RECOIL!!
i have learned from dealing with this for a number of years now, that she, (dil) sets me up, i react out of heartache, she transforms my reaction into her loathsome idea of a lie, purges her victimized lie onto my ds, and behold! i am a monster!
now, i was delighted she said thank you for the b-day gift. however, this was not her true intention for the email.   no, her email was cloaked with a worm for me to bite. 
i feel a small victory for myself and my dh. no reaction= no action= calm waters for now :-X
beleive me, i long for the day when i can take dil "at face value"  im ok for now. reading, learning, self pampering. i dont want to think this will be this way forever, but if it is to be, then so be it. meanwhile, i am taking care of me. i am in the " re-vamp, revise, re-doo my dippity doo" mode!! :)
AND ds did call us today to ask about a date to watch gc overnite!!!   ;D
cheers ladies!

luise.volta

Whee!!! Wow!! Yes!!!  ;D ;D ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Tara


justdontunderstand

Luise,
The "walking on eggshells" game is the one I struggle the most to stop playing. Because our DIL is such an unknown to us (years of being ignored) we are off balance around her.

I feel like I am under a microscope even though we live over a 1000 miles away and haven't seen her in over a year...haven't talked to her in nearly a year. It is NUTS!

The craziness comes from my heart wanting to have something that is not going to be----a DIL who actually sees that her husband (our DS) is who he is at least in part because he was raised by kind and loving people. HOW DOES SHE REJECT THE VERY PEOPLE WHO NURTURED AND LOVED THE MAN SHE MARRIED? I simply don't get it!

luise.volta

That's one of the biggest assignments we have to work through here...to know that there is no "why." We cant make sense of what is basically senseless. We can only change directions regarding our expectations. And it is often nearly impossible.  Notice the word "nearly." Therein lies our hope...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Tara

OK, I'd like to hear from WW about how to stop walking on eggs.

luise.volta

Oh, that sounds really messy! Isn't it walking on eggs shells?  :o :o

My concept is that we need to look and see where they are and not go there. Another one of those simple but not easy things. Egg shell mine fields are created by others (most of the time) and then they watch us try to get through them. Crunch, crackle, snap...ouch!!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Tara


Oh, that sounds really messy! Isn't it walking on eggs shells?  :o :o

My concept is that we need to look and see where they are and not go there. Another one of those simple but not easy things. Egg shell mine fields are created by others (most of the time) and then they watch us try to get through them. Crunch, crackle, snap...ouch!!
[/quote]

Luise,  I love your humor.
I dont really understand what you are saying about looking where they are and not go there.  and Egg shell mine fields are created by others and then they watch us try to get through them.

this eludes me!  can you say more?
I do know I walk on alot of egg shells. 

luise.volta

Well, they aren't your egg shells. Someone placed them there to make you vastly uncomfortable. The trick is to see them and avoid them whenever at all possible. Maybe saying to ourselves..."I feel uncomfortable about this...I think I'll decline the invitation." Lots has been written here about being set up and knowing it. And lots has been written about ways not to go there.

When we get to "darned if we do and darned if we don't"...stopping the "game" is an option. Often we're intimidated when others play "take-away." But we can say no and stop being the victim of the egg shell mine field.

There's a price, usually...a loss of some kind but many of us have pulled ourselves out of conflict  that way. Self-love and self-worth often follow.

Just kind of thinking through my fingers...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Tara

Thanks Luise,

Is it kind of like feeling like it was highly risk to travel to see my son and DIL when they were being so difficult and politely
cancelling the plan?




Tara

or is it chosing not to engage when the situation feels uncomfortable?

luise.volta

It could be both... but if you do the the former you often don't have to cope with the later. When we know for sure that others are "playing" us...we have options. Our being moms and our caring deeply gets in the way, though. We  have expectations and when they die...we cling to hope. It can be a long, drawn-out process. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Tara


Thanks very much

This is deep and powerful and beautiful too!