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When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?

Started by Renet, November 01, 2010, 07:23:49 PM

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Nana

Zealous

You have come to the right place.  I welcome you....and I am heartbroken because I can feel your pain.  Yes, sometimes I have been so depressed that I have wanted to die....Sometimes it is very hard and is like carrying a cross.  But we can stop this.....baby steps Zealous.... you might need to do things that you like, activities, outdoor activities, exercise... having coffee with friends, reading.  Remember you had a life before your daughter came to the picture... just get it back.  Dont lose hope... I can see that your daughter does see that she has abandoned you and will probably come back to you.  Let her see you strong when this happens.   Cry all you have to...but then.....back to life.     

I wish I could help you more.  Some wise women here are awesome and have just the right responses.....I will only offer you to keep you in my prayers.  I have a list and I do pray for all our sisters in this forum......especially those in most need.   

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

jill

Dear Zealous,
Welcome, you have found the right place.  I know exactly how you are feeling, I have been feeling the same since my older dd cut me out of her life.  I miss her and my precious granddaughter so much. You will get lots of support and comfort here from people who are going through the same thing.  I know how you feel when you say you are embarrassed to tell people, I am the same, I don't confide my problems to my close friends because they have close happy families, and I am so ashamed of mine. I am not close to my younger dd either, although we do talk and I see them occasionally.  They are my only family, have been divorced many years .   Since coming here, I feel I am very slowly feeling a little bit better, I don't want to end it all any more. I have up and down days, between grief and anger. 

I urge you to read the book "When Parents Hurt" by Joshua Coleman, which someone suggested on this site.  It will give you strength and keep coming to WWU.

Take care of yourself...................Jill

dablacks

Dear Zealous and Jill:

It is a secret that we keep from our friends and for me, my family.  My son goes to Europe on vacation and then I hear about it from a brother or sister that he is back.  I say, Oh wow, he's back already. I'm thinking, "I didn't even know he was on vacation".  I have stopped leaving messages asking for him to call when he has a moment.  Except last month when my daughter had the baby, I received calls from brothers, sister, cousins, friends so I left him a message saying that he needs to get over what ever it is that he is brewing about for the sake of the new baby.  I told my daughter and she went bonkers that I said this to my son.  I told her that how ever I speak to my son is really not up for debate with her. In other words, I don't have to answer to her.

I think more and more it is best to play the neutral side of this.  My husband might not talk to the kids for 6 months and when he does he just chit chats about nothing. Asks how they are and they think his is the best since sliced bread.  So, now that this bell has gone off and we are back from the trip.  I left with no expectations that because she has a baby, she will change into this loving person.   To really put some closure on your question: "When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?" is to REALIZE that it is her loss and a sad one at that.  There are so many people in need of nurturing and help.  Volunteering is what I am looking into to help women who do not have the computer and business skills that I can help with.  We all have something to offer our fellow human being and if the children we gave birth too might not be the fortunate ones to be graced by all that we have to offer then we will find satisfaction in JUST giving to the ones who need.
I feel that I am finally going to be moving on with my life.  The birth of the baby proved to me that this pure little person is not going to be a pawn that my daughter will use to control me.  It is time to think of yourself and the people in your life that think about you.

barelythere

Quote from: dablacks on November 12, 2010, 07:43:23 AM
Dear Zealous and Jill:

It is a secret that we keep from our friends and for me, my family.  My son goes to Europe on vacation and then I hear about it from a brother or sister that he is back.  I say, Oh wow, he's back already. I'm thinking, "I didn't even know he was on vacation".  I have stopped leaving messages asking for him to call when he has a moment.  Except last month when my daughter had the baby, I received calls from brothers, sister, cousins, friends so I left him a message saying that he needs to get over what ever it is that he is brewing about for the sake of the new baby.  I told my daughter and she went bonkers that I said this to my son.  I told her that how ever I speak to my son is really not up for debate with her. In other words, I don't have to answer to her.

I think more and more it is best to play the neutral side of this.  My husband might not talk to the kids for 6 months and when he does he just chit chats about nothing. Asks how they are and they think his is the best since sliced bread.  So, now that this bell has gone off and we are back from the trip.  I left with no expectations that because she has a baby, she will change into this loving person.   To really put some closure on your question: "When do you give up on a daughter that hates you?" is to REALIZE that it is her loss and a sad one at that.  There are so many people in need of nurturing and help.  Volunteering is what I am looking into to help women who do not have the computer and business skills that I can help with.  We all have something to offer our fellow human being and if the children we gave birth too might not be the fortunate ones to be graced by all that we have to offer then we will find satisfaction in JUST giving to the ones who need.
I feel that I am finally going to be moving on with my life.  The birth of the baby proved to me that this pure little person is not going to be a pawn that my daughter will use to control me.  It is time to think of yourself and the people in your life that think about you.

Dear dablacks,
You were talking about your husband chit chatting with your son?  That's what my husband does and they love it.  No asking them anything personal, which, now that I think about it, shouldn't be done anyway and that's what mine know I'll do.  I need to know the "feelings".  This doesn't work so I'm going to need to find someone to show me how to chit chat. 

Marilyn

Welcome Zealous,you just made the first and best step for yourself.I can feel your pain and heartbreak.The rejection,bad treatment and disrespect from our children cuts so deep.You have found a wonderful place for support and guidance.You dont have to deal with this by yourself.Just knowing that there are other people going thru this kind of heart break helps so much.keep coming back and posting,we are here for you.


Sending hugs and prayers

Marilyn

dablacks,what you said about................when you REALIZE it is her loss,is so true.I use to think how much i was missing out on.But then it hit me..........they are the ones missing out,it is their loss.

luise.volta

Z - Welcome. I found in my situation that when I really wanted something better for myself, I found ways to give it to me. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Tara

Rose,

I can really relate to what you said about 'mothers make easy targets"  never thought of that  before.  Also that your dd doesn't respect weakness, have also read that our sons don't either.  I think my son has acted in hostile ways to shock and hurt and then feeling
"one up" when I react.




dablacks

Hello Rose,
Your story was heartwarming and sincere.  Yes, what a difference a day makes. 

I just purchased the book:

"When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along"
Joshua Coleman; Hardcover; $6.95


This book was recommended on this site.  I am sorry I do not remember who gave the recommendation, it was from one of many wise women I am getting to know.  The response touched me enough to write down the book and author.  Amazon was pretty cheap and worth it to help in dealing with the heart break that I am suppressing at all times. 

Barely and Momin: thank you so much for your responses and of course to everyone.  The feedback is the best medicine a gal could have. 

TGIF  ~ Plant just one happy thought for this weekend.  Where I live the weather is 72 degrees.  Lots of roses still alive to trim.

cadagi101

[quote author=dablacks link=topic=1073.msg22647#msg22647 date=1289587105]
TGIF  ~ Plant just one happy thought for this weekend.  Where I live the weather is 72 degrees.  Lots of roses still alive to trim.
[/quote]



I am going to trim my rose , just what I needed to do today...for my sanity.  Thankyou.
By the way what does TGIF mean

luise.volta

Thank God It's Friday! (Since I have been retired for 23 years...no biggie for me!)  8)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Rose799

dablacks,

Thanks for the book recommendation, it's been ordered & is heading my way.

It's a beautiful day here, I'm heading out to prune some roses now...  : )

Rose

luise.volta

Where the heck are you? Or is that classified info? I'm looking (in WA state) at dark, damp, cold and bleak.) Outside of that, it's lovely! 8) )
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

That's sounds lov-er-ly! A sunny day is about a week away according to our weather lady I have my shades ready!  8)

Kirk writes, "it's a little cool today, mom...it only 81 degrees." And I want to disown him...(or move to Hawaii.) They don't like the hot, humid summers so come here...thank goodness...but they wear long johns.  ;D ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama