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Just need a little pep talk and some advice

Started by seafoam, October 31, 2010, 04:53:09 PM

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jill

Creme,   It's not easier having daughters.  I know lot of people who are closer to their sons than I am to my daughters.  It makes it harder, as everyone expects you will be close to your daughters.  As the saying goes, "a son is a son till he takes a wife, but a daughters a daughter all of her life. "   Not true in my case.  I think this generation of daughters seem to think they know everything, and we did everything wrong.  I admit I don't know how they manage a family, full time job etc. as I was a stay at home mom.  I think that's part of the reason they have no time for me, just no time.  But they could still have respect.    I am still in the grief and anger stage with my odd, and still can't imagine not seeing her again or my precious gd.

cremebrulee

Quote from: jill on November 03, 2010, 05:49:30 AM
Creme,   It's not easier having daughters.  I know lot of people who are closer to their sons than I am to my daughters.  It makes it harder, as everyone expects you will be close to your daughters.  As the saying goes, "a son is a son till he takes a wife, but a daughters a daughter all of her life. "   Not true in my case.  I think this generation of daughters seem to think they know everything, and we did everything wrong.  I admit I don't know how they manage a family, full time job etc. as I was a stay at home mom.  I think that's part of the reason they have no time for me, just no time.  But they could still have respect.    I am still in the grief and anger stage with my odd, and still can't imagine not seeing her again or my precious gd.

Hello Jill
I'm very very sorry your hurting....and your daughters are not being as they should....in time, perhaps they'll grow up and realize, mom is very important to they're lives...

Hugs
Creme

justus

What stopping the begging does is stopping the guilt trips. I don't think we understand the effect we have on other people. While you all thought you were lying prostrate on the floor asking them to walk all over you, they were feeling pressured, guilt tripped, and manipulated into doing what you wanted them to do because there was always the threat of hurting your feelings if they didn't. No one likes that sort of pressure. Now that you have backed off, they feel free to do what they want without worrying about stepping on eggshells. Without the dog faces and tears, you have become someone who is good to be around where before you were a complete downer. They don't dread phone calls and visits because they know they are not going to feel any pressure or guilt. They are no longer the bad guys to your victim.

Oh, I wish my own Mom would learn this lesson. I miss the person she was before I got married to DH and she became so afraid she was loosing me. That person was fun to be around and we shared a lot of the same interests. Then she became a total downer to be around always needing me to confirm that I loved her. I so much wanted an adult relationship with her in which she wore her big girl pants all the time and I didn't have to be responsible for her emotional well-being. She just never got the point where she could live her own life without holding my hand. She became so clingy, I felt that I couldn't live my own life with my own DH and my own children. I am sure she doesn't think that she was this bad, and maybe she wasn't, but it felt like it from my end. On top of being clingy, she was incredibly critical. It was in self-defense. She thought we were being critical of her, so she went on the defense and found everything wrong with us.

Lets just face it, clingy and needy are not attractive and can be downright repulsive in a grown person. I think it can be as simple as that.


Nana

Justus

Good post....we need not be clingy and play the victim role to the eyes of our children.  They need the independent strong mom they had before they got marry.   Walking on egg shells is exhausting  for either one. 

Love     
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

cadagi101

Quote from: jill on November 03, 2010, 05:49:30 AM
I know lot of people who are closer to their sons than I am to my daughters.  It makes it harder, as everyone expects you will be close to your daughters.  As the saying goes, "a son is a son till he takes a wife, but a daughters a daughter all of her life. "   Not true in my case. 

I wholeheartedly agree, it is a sad situation.     I wish I was closer to my daughter, she pushes me away.  I am hoping when she is married and a mum, she will want her mum...

tryingmybest

Is there any possibility DIL hacked into your son's email account and WROTE and SENT the e-mail? I wouldn't delete it completely. Print it out and keep it. What I would do is call son at work and say "I got your e-mail about holidays, and I'm so sorry you have to go through all this stress. there is no pressure from us, we love, and we will always be here for you when you need us, and then that's it!"

I would not be surprised if the first thing out of his mouth is "what e-mail?" :o 

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama