Just need a little pep talk and some advice

[pam1]

Seafoam, I am just curious: but how far does your DS/DIL live from you and from her FOO?

We live close to DH's FOO and live on the opposite coast from mine.  We have been asked to vacation with DH's FOO several times and tried it once...not going to happen again and not just b/c of the bad time on it but also b/c we have very limited vacation time.  And we have to factor in every year a visit to my FOO and then remainder is DH's and mine to vacation alone.

I'm also one who has never heard of regular vacationing with FOO's.

Also, was this request asked more than once?  We've found that we've had to be over the top *clear* for it to be heard that a vacation is not going to happen.  I'm not saying that is what happened with you Seafoam, but is it possible that they wanted to make this clear for the future as well?

[Hope]

Hope that sounds like a blast..... what can 40+ people all agree to do?

Oh, my goodness do we have fun!  We own four boats between the different families and a couple jet skis.  We vacation on a lake and water ski, tube, fish, whatever turns you on.  We also use to have campfires at night, but changed our location to one that is not campfire friendly.  Each family plans one dinner for the week and there are enough families to cover a week of meals.  The night your family serves dinner you also have a fun activity for everyone.  The first year our dil dated our ds she joined us on this vacation and she had so much fun she decided not to go home early as originally planned.  She was hooked .  Unfortunately, there is also a lot of drinking going on.  My dh's foo has some alcoholics in the family and I don't care for that part.  You wouldn't believe all the drinking that goes on.  I'm a slight social drinker, but usually I don't even have one alcoholic beverage all week.  I'd much rather spend my calories on a piece of pie - lol!  You wouldn't believe the fun activities the different families plan - just a blast!
Hugs, Hope

[Tara]

Seafoam,  sorry for your pain.  I admire that you didn't respond to the e-mail.  Good for you.  I wish I wouldn't have responded to my
DIL's emails.  My DH kept saying "let it go"  "Don't respond" but I continued...I didn't say anything bad per se, but it would have been
so much more empowering to me to not have. 

A friend told me a story about how sometimes there is a 'fish hook' kind of situation and said she bites right into the fish hook.
in this case you didn't and are a great role model for me in the future! 

Take care.

Tara

[barelythere]

Seafoam,  sorry for your pain.  I admire that you didn't respond to the e-mail.  Good for you.  I wish I wouldn't have responded to my
DIL's emails.  My DH kept saying "let it go"  "Don't respond" but I continued...I didn't say anything bad per se, but it would have been
so much more empowering to me to not have. 

A friend told me a story about how sometimes there is a 'fish hook' kind of situation and said she bites right into the fish hook.
in this case you didn't and are a great role model for me in the future! 

Take care.

Tara

Honestly, when you get your hand burned by putting it in the fire enough times, you quit putting it there.  It's as simple as that.  This is so liberating to be free of constantly trying to engage them, anything to make them happy and to like us.  When you stop, they get on board and want you to put your hand in the fire again but by then, you don't want to anymore cause it burns. DUH!

[Tara]

Dear Barely There,

I really need to ponder your wise words.    I so relate to what you say about wanting to be liked and wanting to please our
ds/dil, etc.  but I haven't yet  learned  skillful ways to not engage   Now I'm seeing the light a bit about how to stop.
I feel I know alot about somethings but have alot to learn in this departmetn

thanks.  Tara

[barelythere]

Dear Barely There,

I really need to ponder your wise words.    I so relate to what you say about wanting to be liked and wanting to please our
ds/dil, etc.  but I haven't yet  learned  skillful ways to not engage   Now I'm seeing the light a bit about how to stop.
I feel I know alot about somethings but have alot to learn in this departmetn

thanks.  Tara

But it takes awhile, Tara.  It just does.  I tried for years to engage the DIL but no could do.  I just stopped.  It's like my hand in the fire thing, I got burned so many times, I finally figured out what was hurting me.  I quit any engaging at all.   Now, I'm finding out that she wants to engage me!  Sometimes I allow it and sometimes I don't.  Stopping the begging works miracles.  No crying, no sad eyes, hoping for a kind look.  No more heartbreak.  They are missing out on so much fun that we are now giving others who love it.  We're the Sillies and we are fun. Actually, I'm more fun than my husband who thinks too much. 

[Tara]

BT, 

It seems like one gains respect by stopping when you 'stop the begging' as you say.  quite powerful.  when you stopped engaging
did you stop talking to her altogether? 

Tara

[Tara]

BT,

forgot to menton I love that you can be silly.  I'm a bit slow in that dept, but can be fun when not suffering over DS and DIL.

[barelythere]

BT, 

It seems like one gains respect by stopping when you 'stop the begging' as you say.  quite powerful.  when you stopped engaging
did you stop talking to her altogether? 

Tara

Tara,
No, at no time did I ever stop speaking or interacting with them when I saw them.   It happened in my heart and mind and I just shut off the valve that meant every little slight broke me.  I didn't do it deliberately, it happened over time wasn't anything I was looking to do.  I just shut it off to protect myslelf, I guess. Now, not anything can hurt me I don't think....  Wish I could explain it better.  Once in awhile, I get hurt but I don't stay that way.  I was once so broken that I couldn't imagine living anymore.  Thank goodness I didn't give in.

[Tara]

BT

thanks for explaining how your worked through this.  I hope I will get there.

For a few days last week I felt a bit like life wasn't worth living too
so I can relate.

Tara

[justdontunderstand]

BT

thanks for explaining how your worked through this.  I hope I will get there.

For a few days last week I felt a bit like life wasn't worth living too
so I can relate.

Tara

Tara,

You are not alone in feeling so sad about the situation. Sometimes I feel so low the curb looks too high to get up on. It seems to go in cycles for me. I  will be moving along in a "not so sad state" then BLAM! a  DS memory will come up or I see a grandma with a grandchild and I think "that will never be me". I have to work very hard to pull myself up and move on. Maintaining hope is the biggest challenge in my daily life. I try to remember that I have a life other than being a Mom and MIL. I fill my time with that life and leave the other life on the shelf for future unpacking if the chance comes along.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Posting here is the safest place I know to express the hurt and receive acceptance and understanding back. Hang in there!

[barelythere]

BT

thanks for explaining how your worked through this.  I hope I will get there.

For a few days last week I felt a bit like life wasn't worth living too
so I can relate.

Tara

Tara,

You are not alone in feeling so sad about the situation. Sometimes I feel so low the curb looks too high to get up on. It seems to go in cycles for me. I  will be moving along in a "not so sad state" then BLAM! a  DS memory will come up or I see a grandma with a grandchild and I think "that will never be me". I have to work very hard to pull myself up and move on. Maintaining hope is the biggest challenge in my daily life. I try to remember that I have a life other than being a Mom and MIL. I fill my time with that life and leave the other life on the shelf for future unpacking if the chance comes along.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Posting here is the safest place I know to express the hurt and receive acceptance and understanding back. Hang in there!

[Tara]

Thank you much BT

Tara

[Pen]

It's sad to read that you felt a bit like life wasn't worth living. Our lives may change but they can still be good, and there are many women here who can attest to that. When we're in the thick of dealing with this stuff it seems like we'll never regain our center, our joy, or our zest for living, but slowly, step by step, we begin the healing process. I know I'm much better now although I have setbacks. When the setbacks occur I know things will improve if I take care of myself by posting/reading here and doing the activities that help me move forward emotionally, physically and mentally.

Best wishes to you! You've got quite a community behind you.

[cremebrulee]

Just received an email from DS, informing me that DIL doesn't want to spend any time with us, and that he will be spending his vacation time with his wife (and her FOO) in the future.  I don't think he meant it as a final kiss-off, but just as a warning that we shouldn't expect to see him anytime soon.

I am feeling very sad, also feeling very angry toward DS for allowing this.  I toyed with a few simple responses to his email, then decided that nobody on this forum would have approved of my saying anything.  Or at a minimum, you wouldn't have approved of the responses I was crafting.      I deleted his email as the wisest of all moves.  I am thinking that I need to wait a few weeks to cool down and perk up before I try to discuss this.  Or is it better that I don't ever discuss any of this with DS?  Should I just accept the verdict and get on with my life?   

But ... here is the best part!!!  I am not crying about it, as I used to do.  Just feeling very, very sad.

It's very very hard, isn't it...but Seafoam, I'm very proud of you girl, for waiting until you calm down before you write, b/c the anger would certainly show, out of hurt and rejection....that's a tough pill to swallow....for anyone....when our son's marry, we have this idea in our heads of how it's all goin gto be, and when it starts going wrong, it's awful difficult to face that it's not going to be that way....and I really do think, a lot of us take it personal, like DIL is doing this on purpose, or DIL dislikes me, or DIL is this or that...we want to be liked, everyone does...but I don't believe it's a matter of being liked or disliked, I just feel it's more like the vacation thing...where DIL would much rather be with her parents, and her traditions she grew up with...it's more comfortable for her, and our son's just want they're wives to be happy....

Yanno, I wanted a boy, when I was pregnant....everyone else wanted a girl....when my son was born, never, ever did I realize, what I was in for, as we all are just so unaware of....but having a son is very very hard, b/c when they grow up and marry, they take off with they're wives forgetting about fair and the fact that his parents want quality time with them....it's very hard....but I don't believe it's meant to be a personal attack....it's just the way things are....

I know and realize that some cases are...but the majority of the problem is within us mother's who actually feel like we loose our traditions....some DIL's do want to be with the inlaws...b/c they get along very famously, or her parents are gone....or there were problems...

but in the case of adult children, I think it would be much easier to have a daughter....because when daughters grow up, and start having they're children, the majority of them seem to want they're moms in they're lives...and they do come home....however, I can just imagine how difficult those teenage years are with daughters....sheesh.... and maybe I'm wrong? 

Having and raising a son was easy to me, the hard part was when he married....?  But I blame a lot of that on myself....I should have never ever reacted so imaturely and badly when I couldn't understand DIL's actions....