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advice please, did I over-react?

Started by cadagi101, October 31, 2010, 03:16:46 pm

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Good morning all,
I feel a little bit down in the dumps this morning.   

Here goes....My dh and I have a very good relationship with my dp.     My dad has always been heavy going but my mum is the "rock" and doesn't love bomb like df.    This is my problem,  my dp helped us into our business 7 years ago.    We have a large property which my husband and I run, (it isn't unusual for my dh to work 15 hr days ) to keep everything going.    That isn't a problem we also have a very good business  relationship.  I am 45 my  dp are 78. 

They visit us every 2nd month for usually a week or so  and we love having them stay. 

Yesterday my dm asked if it would be OK if her sister and her dh and db and his dw came to stay for a few days as they trip around in their mobile home and want to see large machinery in operation as they aren't farmers and are interested.   dm's db has severe depression and has shock treatment etc.  I would never say no as i I would enjoy their company.    So... I said to dm that is fine I would like that but I will first ask my dh as he is the one who is very busy and having them about could be very stressful as it is harvest time. 

dh is fine also but did grumble a bit. and said I'm just the tractor driver, that makes me sad because he is of course more than that.   I said to to dh I have thought more about it and i want a phone call from mum's family to ask us if they can come here (who i haven't seen for 25years and have no contact with them).   Mum said they hardly know youi and I said don't they know we own half this property do they think you own it soley?  Mum nearly cried and said of course they know (I believe mum)  I said well they should ring and ask, why go through you.  We live here I feel this is our home.      I said to mum don't make such a big deal out of it, all I ask is for a phone call.   Mum said your the one makin it a big deal.   Am I?   We spoke it wasn't a arguement with raised voices I admit I am a "soft touch" and any othe time i would not question it but I have learnt a lot from this site and i said to myself they have all oversteped our boundaries i also said (to myself we deserve the respect of a phone call from them.     I wouldn't say that to mum it would upset her.  Anyhow this morning she said she didn't sleep worrying about it and they left today (planned) and mum was sad about it.     

If her ds and db do ring me I am very happy for them to stay, mum is just as likely to tell them it isn't convenient to come.  (She won't talk to my df about it he is deaf so she has it on her own)  Do you WW think i overreacted.     


No, I don't think you over-reacted.  You were very happy with the suggestion that your mother's sister and her family visit, but when you saw that it was going to be a strain on your husband, you tried to protect him from extra stress at harvest time.  I think that was the right thing to do.  I think it likely that your mother had already discussed this with her sister, and so she was going to have to renege on her promise.
If it were me, I would first discuss the idea of a visit with DH.  Is it possible that (a) mother's sister and her family could visit at a later time - after the harvest, or (b) they could visit when your mother was here so that you and DH weren't the only hosts.  With that knowledge in hand, I would call my mother and have a discussion with her.  Perhaps you could call her sister to discuss a visit at some later time?
I think your mother loves both her sister and her daughter very much.  You also are a very loving person.  This is a simple case of crossed wires.  Don't beat yourself up.  Protect your husband's time when he needs it.  Talk to your mother to figure out a new plan.


Hi there Julia
I think there might have been a slight overreaction.  In the perfect world, yes the extended family could have call you.  Since they have not spoken to you in years they most likely felt that speaking with your mom, their sibling, was acceptable, as did your mother.  It sounds like they are bringing their own beds that will make life a little easier.  I would ask your mom to explain to them that since this is a working farm that socializing will need to be minimal until chores are done.   You didn't say if your own parents would be there at the same time... might be nice if they were, then your mom can keep up with some of the social aspects and you can still lend a hand if your husband is in need. 

Keep in mind that your mother is most likely very proud of what the four of you have accomplished and she'd like to show off the operation as well has her daughter.  Enjoy the visit as you said, another chance might not happen in the future.  You yourself stated that had they called that the answer would have been a resounding YES.. IMO don't get hung up on the formalities. 



You are a wonderful perso and so are your parents.  But I agree that you should put your husband first because as you mentioned, he is a good hardworking men who deserves all your consideration.   Your mom is just trying to be nice to her family and that is great....but I agree with the fact seafoam about having them visit some other time.   It is not that now is the time...the right time should be the right time for you.   

Now, if you feel that you only needd the phone call from your is not so important to me, they feel a little embarass to call you because you have not seen them in 20+ years and your mom is speaking for them. 

Whatever you are kind=hearted.
Congrats ...for the fact that you are loved and admired by your people.

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:


I guess it depends on your family dynamic.  In my family, we don't issue formal invitations or formal requests for visits.  My Aunt would ask my Mom, my Mom would ask me if it was okay with us and I would likely call my Aunt right back and invite her myself.

If your parents are half-owners of the property, then I think that it's okay for them to invite people, after checking with you and DH that it was okay.  I think it's a bit much for you to expect the Aunts and Uncles to call you personally for permission to visit.  I don't know, it seems to me that you don't want them to visit, but you also don't want to say "no", so you're adding this clause that you think/hope they won't comply with.

If it's inconvenient, then tell your Mom that it's inconvenient.  If you want them to come, then make sure that your Mom knows that SHE is the hostess and that you and DH have *WORK* to do and won't be able to be the Cruise Directors for the duration.


My trip to the north in the fall to see the changing of the season also fell at my sister's busiest time of the year on her farm.  It was as much fun driving the tractor and helping to prepare meals from fresh picked vegetables as it was visiting the local sites.  We thanked my sister immensely for allowing us to work on our vacation. There is no better way to understand the farm then to help work on it for a day or two.


I always loved visiting my GP's farm and helping with the chores. Good times, although I know farming is a 24/7 job and not as glamorous as one might think  ;)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


That's why we only made it a 12/2 job.