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DIL that has a dilemma

Started by BitterDIL06, October 28, 2010, 12:41:15 PM

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JaneF

Thank you so much for your response. Yes, it is very sad and disturbing! Hard to believe that so many kids are being raised that way, but indeed they are! Sometimes I think maybe these parents need a lobotomy or something. (Sorry, that was not nice), but the ultimate damage to future generations is going to be awful. What a shame. The GD my husband I are raising is nothing like my other GD at all even though they are only 5 months apart in age. This one here still gets tucked in at night by papa, still actually PLAYS like a child should, was on high honor roll this quarter, and we supervise computer access! We are told by bus driver and teachers how polite and well behaved she is. Her Christmas list contains things like clay for art work, paints, a pair of furry boots for winter, and a game having to do with pet care! Kids feel more secure and loved with limitations and boundaries, and a good support system at home I think. But then in all fairness my husband and I are not bipolar either. We can't fix the world I know, but if everyone was kinder to others and did the right thing, it'd help a lot!

LaurieS

Jane... it is a fine line we walk as parents.  While you don't want to hold the reigns to tight you sure don't want to let kids run headlong into the night.  I've known of parents who do everything right and still have more issues then one can possibly deal with easily.  Some  kids get so sucked up into the peer groups that they lose themselves before they ever had the chance to know themselves. 

I met a young mother recently who learned of my son's AF adventures.. it was mentioned how polite my son is (like has a choice in the AF) she  asked me how we accomplished this.. I told her that we used the Roosevelt method, and we did try to speak softly and carried a big stick. But you know that  takes effort and effort is something that most parents are not willing to put forth.  It's so much harder to stick to your guns when you've said no, it's harder to make your children responsible for what they've done then to make excuses.  You really have to make an effort to monitor what your kids are doing, who they are interacting with, and some parents are just to darn lazy to try.  These same parents often blame their jobs, daily stress.. any reason will do.. when I've noticed that a lot of the time it's plain laziness.

On a good note... these kids that are allowed to live life with so few rules are usually a tad more street smart.  They are certainly not as naive and are more cynical by nature, which often helps to protect them.  While your  gd is not proving that she is a good student, rest assure that she will not be a push over in life.  Once she can channel  her energy she will be the type of person who has enough gumption to succeed. 


Marilyn

I want to thank you DIL's on here.You all have problems with your MIL............but you at least TRY to work things out.You really want to resolve the issues not just blame.

It has really helped me soooooooo much.I have dealt with probably one of the worse DIL anyone could have.I really really mean that.My situation is hopeless.My DIL does not want to compromise or bend any!!! I have never gotten a Holiday ever,they have been married 12 yrs.I really hate to put it this way,but she is the closest thing to Satan i have ever met.I know that's awful of me,she really has a mental disorder.I have never met anyone so mean spirited.I wonder if something really bad happened to her when she was little.

I get so little time,or communication there isn't even a relationship any more.The constant excuses,lies and head games,and i say that because no matter what i say it's twisted and not even logical.I love and miss my grandchildren,but i dont even have the desire to try any longer.I wonder if this is normal.

Pen

MIW, our DILs here at WWU are truly wonderful women, I agree. It's an honor to have their input.

I think your feelings are valid regarding the loss of a valued relationship and the illogical behavior you've dealt with. You've simply reached your limit, or you just plain old got tired of it all. You could look at reaching that point as a blessing, really. Time for you to take care of you.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Marilyn

Pen,yes your probably right.......it's a blessing i have reached this point.A new chapter of my life begins.

Nana

Mominwaiting:

So sorry that you have one of those dils.  I think that people can be really but really mean when they want to be.  Can she sleep at night?  I wonder. 

Nevertheless, you get to write what comes next.  A new page....forget about her and move on....you lost hope on her and have your reasons.... You do win....you win yourself back....and she does lose a lot even if she does not think so. 

I agree that the dils in this forum are good persons dealing with bad mils.  Even if we are not like their dils, their input is great and help us know exactly what is expected of us.  We should keep ourselves focus on our objective in understanding we will never be our sons/daughters number 1 priority because now they have a new family.   In many cases (including myself) we really tried to be the perfect mils because we wanted so much to be near our children and grandchildren.   

I once spoke to my dil about our relationship (hers and mine) and she told me that if she unvoluntarily disrespected or offended me she wanted me to tell her in that moment  and that she would do just the same.  She said we shouldnt never let resentment take over us for something we did not clear out.   I liked her attitude and there was when things started getting better between us. 

I never take for granted how lucky I was resolving my issues with dil.  But I can tell you that I am always very careful in not crossing boudaries.   Many dils and mils can really change in a positive way if they are good persons.  With bad people you cannot do anything....they dont feel guilt,  remorse or empathy.....just mean stuff.


Hope the best for you...
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Barbie

MIW,

I've felt like you many times and feel so guilty for it. I love my DS and want him to be happy. He's so afraid to mention anything about us to DIL. Do you know that he just told me that they'll be here for Thanksgiving, we asked him a month ago so that we could make plans, I don't understand how he can live his life this way, in constant fear, i can't imagine not being able to discuss things with DH openly and so to make his life easier I've wanted to just let him go for good but he does call me everyday even if it's for a few minutes so that tells me he wants to stay in touch.