DIL that has a dilemma

[LaurieS]

Stilltryen .. I hear what you are saying, sad part is they are taking all their own fun out of having a baby if they feel that they need to orchestrate life.  Hopefully a lot of this is a coping mechanism and new parent fears.

At least you are very perceptive when you stated, "Every time my DS starts a sentence with, "We don't want . . , " that's code for "DIL has a new rule you need to follow." I probably thought I was setting up a wall of protection with  my first child by setting up my mental rules.  A lot of that went out the window when I realize that if I didn't put the rules in writing and force others to acknowledge them with a blood signature that others couldn't read my mind and well you learn to become a bit more flexible.

I thought it was sadly funny when you mentioned the shower and how invited guest did not all follow the declared gift registry.  I've seen this with young brides as well as soon to be parents, heck my BIL's, DIL (got that?) even had a registry for her son's first birthday.  But never have I seen a invitation that said you are formally invited to purchase only gifts that have been pre-approved. 

I'll bet you're very thankful to have the relationship with your son that you do.. one day everyone will look back and chuckle about the making of the Rule Master.  well maybe not everyone

[LaurieS]

oh well, my post went into cyber poof! 

That's because it was swaddled in pink Erma   Hope you are having a good day.

[Tara]

Dear Bitter dil

I am a mil who did have a lot a problems with dil for some time (not anymore thank God).  But I think that your mil didnt ever give you a reason to want her near; that I understand.  Because she was not close and did not have a concern for you, she never won your affection.  You dh has a good relationship with your family because he feels comfortable with them and they have always been there for you.  You mil wants more time, acknowledgement and love from her gc thus putting herself in a no-win comparison with your family.

She is jealous of your foo's privileges.....but privileges are won....not forced upon.  I do feel sorry for your mil because she always gets "No"answers.  But what surprises me is that the most she is rejected, the more she pushes. 

I agree with the advice of trying to show her some bit of affection, calling her once in a while and maybe inviting her by surprise some day to have some time with you (make the sacrifice lol).  But she will understand that it all depends on your time and agenda. 


You are not a bad dil.  You do worry about it-- if you didnt you wouldn't  even try to justify yourself.
Set boundaries for her.... she does sound a very possessive person.  Just keep the necessary distance from her.

That is my opinion....

dear Bitter,

I agree with Nana. 
Also, there is some missing info about why dh and MIL didn't talk have a lot of contact prior to the marriage    Seems like MIL is being held accountable when relationships with MIL and DS are a mutual creation

Also, its interesting that we discuss grand parenting as not being a "privledge"  and having a relationship w/gc having to be 'won' on this board, seems like a new concept in this generation?    Maybe if we removed the word privledge/right  and said a normal expectation we could see where these difficult MIL's are coming from


Re:  the boundaries, wonder if the situation you are dealing with 'on the ground' (you have SO MUCH on your plate) is
communicated to her so she gets it. (you have probably already done this )  then if boundaries are communicated to her in a loving but clear way - even if her feelings are hurt initially  she will be able to reflect on what was said and be able to process the info.

I wish you well.

[JaneF]

I am a MIL. I do understand boundaries, and once  child marries, their  priority should be his  own family unit. I also have experience of DIL that only wants her family involved in their lives. I have always told my son I don't care if they spend  holidays with her family, I can sacrifice and we can pick a  different day to have "Thanksgiving" or  Christmas. Could be same week, week before, week after...whatever. It's not  about WHAT day you spend together. People have lost the true meanings of these holidays. I  get upset because our side of the family isn't even given "another day", we get nothing. Maybe like I said in another post a half hour to get their loot and away they go! I agree that MIL's need to not be pushy, and demanding of time. Our grown kids have their lives now, they have busy schedules, we need to understand.  I would like an invitation just once though to a school program, I've never been given  opportunity to see GD in one and she is in 6th grade now. DIL's parents and grandparents attended ALL of them, which is lovely...maybe I'm being selfish in thinking I could have been invited to see one or two programs in all these years, but I  don't think so. There are always different situations in every family. It isn't always the fault of  DIL's, but it also isn't always  fault of MIL's either. Saddens me, I am one who wants everyone to be happy, I think sharing and compromise are parts of that golden rule thing we should pay more attention to. My GS's mom just called ( one that was never married to my DS), wanted to know when I wanted to see GS and "adopted GD" for holidays!!!  Inlaws that don't understand study time and finals or exams are a busy time, and were upset because "visit" at that time wasn't a good time for their DS and DIL, should look at it from their angle. Family that has DIL that refuses to allow their inlaws some time also should try compromise. We aren't teaching kids how to be great adults if we don't set the example for them. Wishing us all a chance to have peace in our hearts.

[LaurieS]

I try to accommodate everyones busy schedules, and it is hard.  I too have said repeatedly, it's not the day it's the time together.  My ds called a few minutes ago, I was pleased to tell him that his grandparents from another state will be arriving in time to see him off before his deployment, so that will make for one very large family gathering and not just for him, it's for all of us.. My parents will for the first time in my 32 years of marriage have dinner with my own in-laws.. We have never had all gp and kids in the same room at the same time.. My ds was thrilled with the idea...  And then I asked my DIL if her parents would like to come over as well so they too can say goodbye to ds, and of course have dinner with us.  I'm not selfish concerning time with my kids, but my dh and I need a little time to hug him and give him all the mom and dad warnings.  As long as I feel that my feelings are being respected I'm pretty much game with everything else. 

You're right Jane.. we do have to set the good examples.  I've always been thrilled to know that my ds's in-laws love him as if he's always been a part of their lives.  There is a way to blend two families without one feeling abandoned.  You're not being selfish with your longing to attend gc's events, or to have the opportunity to spend quality time with your son and dil. Have you been able to speak directly to your son about your feelings?  Thinking about you... Laurie 

[JaneF]

Laurie, to be honest I haven't come out and confronted DS about not getting holiday time (another day etc), or school program because I try so hard not to be pushy demanding MIL, I have tried to always be accommodating in hopes they'd throw me a  crumb once in a while! lol Didn't work though. I've told them kindly though how much I have enjoyed going to see another of the other GC's school programs in hopes they'd see that I'm an interested grandma and would accept an invitation to see their childs program, but it didn't work. Some may say that's passive aggressive, but problem is I' ve had to walk on egg shells since DIL has been with DS and if I dare mention anything at all about seeing a program, or am I invited to the birthday party (I have been to 1, she will be 12 in a few months), she'd have made life difficult for DS (his choice to tolerate it, but it IS his wife afterall) or would take away the half hour time I MIGHT get on a holiday once in a while. So I don't dare. DIL is bipolar, judgemental of people though she has done drugs, been caught stealing from family members, gets in arguments on computer with 11 year old kids because of my GD's bad behavior,but she feels she is better than others if they do those same things. You can't reason or compromise with people like that, and I know that. She's nice to your face, and talks about being a "Christian" person , then you find out she is talking horribly behind your back. I refuse though to get into confrontation and let her know I am aware and ask why they keep our side of the family away, simply because it wouldn't do a bit of good. A parent that says it's normal behavior for GD to be on Facebook acting sexy in half undress, having boyfriends that range from 13 to 17 and talk to strange adult men on there and give her cell phone number out when this child is 11 years old is not thinking rationally in my opinion, but that is what my DS and DIL are doing. My concern is for GD's safety. My DS is also bipolar (my ex was diagnosed too 5 yrs ago). This is a hard stuation but I try to think positively because it doesn't help to be negative.

[stilltryen]

Stilltryen .. I hear what you are saying, sad part is they are taking all their own fun out of having a baby if they feel that they need to orchestrate life.  Hopefully a lot of this is a coping mechanism and new parent fears.

At least you are very perceptive when you stated, "Every time my DS starts a sentence with, "We don't want . . , " that's code for "DIL has a new rule you need to follow." I probably thought I was setting up a wall of protection with  my first child by setting up my mental rules.  A lot of that went out the window when I realize that if I didn't put the rules in writing and force others to acknowledge them with a blood signature that others couldn't read my mind and well you learn to become a bit more flexible.

I thought it was sadly funny when you mentioned the shower and how invited guest did not all follow the declared gift registry.  I've seen this with young brides as well as soon to be parents, heck my BIL's, DIL (got that?) even had a registry for her son's first birthday.  But never have I seen a invitation that said you are formally invited to purchase only gifts that have been pre-approved. 

I'll bet you're very thankful to have the relationship with your son that you do.. one day everyone will look back and chuckle about the making of the Rule Master.  well maybe not everyone

Oh, I should clarify - the invitations didn't say anything about "following" the registry.  They only noted where she was registered.  She was the one who was complaining afterwards that she wished everyone would have ONLY bought things off the registry instead of the stuff she did get.  I think it's funny too, because I recall when I was pregnant, I was going to do this, only this, blah, blah, blah with the baby.  Reality will intrude itself in no time and she'll be singing a different tune soon enough.  In fact, at one dinner we had at my house a while back, my sister-in-law, my mom. my sisters, my nephew's wife, and a couple of my married nieces were all sitting around after DS and DIL had left (they had another engagement that same evening they had to be at).  Anyway my sister-in-law is recounting all the rules that DIL had laid down during the evening about the baby - all of a sudden we all looked at each other and burst into laughter.  We're all laughing saying, "Can you imagine what's going to happen the first time that the baby does -------------------?" and we'd burst out laughing.  Then someone else would pop up and say, "Or -- what about when the baby does ------------------?" and we'd laugh even harder. 

Live and learn, eh?

[LaurieS]

Yes we do live and learn... I remember my MIL just lovingly smiling at me as I prepared for my first child... Now I know she was probably thinking that I was going to be in for the ride of my life (which I was).  I used words like "my child will never" only to realize that one day that would change to "wow all three of them did that".  Babies are special, but every  mother eventually finds out that they come with  a mind of their own.

[LaurieS]

Jane you are in hard situation.  I can understand your concerns for your dg and lack of proper parental guidance as she is coming into her teenage years.  I'm assuming that your ds is aware of his daughters internet activities, if by chance he is not I think you would feel guilty if you didn't bring it to his attention.  From what I gathered in your post, it sounds like he is aware and finds her behavior acceptable as well.

Never will I understand why so many parents allow their children to participate in activities that are not age appropriate.  There is no age group that is not capable of falling victim to internet ruses, everyone knows that young children are preyed upon at an incredible rate.

It is obvious why you wish you were included and invited to more functions, but if you were you might witness more then you want to.  If you were to be more involved with their lives there would come a time when you would have to speak up on behalf of your gd's safety and of course there would be consequences.  As you said some people can not be reasoned with.

You sound like a strong woman, I hope someone here can help you shed some light on this and offer sound advice. 

[stilltryen]

Yes we do live and learn... I remember my MIL just lovingly smiling at me as I prepared for my first child... Now I know she was probably thinking that I was going to be in for the ride of my life (which I was).  I used words like "my child will never" only to realize that one day that would change to "wow all three of them did that".  Babies are special, but every  mother eventually finds out that they come with  a mind of their own.

Haha, not just MIL, but my mom too!  They would just nod their heads and say, "Ummmhmmmm," as I pontificated away.  Too funny!  I tell my son this, "I can't wait until she figures out that she'll be more than happy to use those 'crappy' disposal diapers when she's in a bind and baby has pooped everywhere."  (She's not using disposal diapers, they're awful and she won't put them on HER baby!!!)  My son just laughs and says, "Yep, but she needs to learn that."  DIL was only child, my son had a sibling - and knows a thing or two about babies.  It'll be interesting, that's for sure.

[LaurieS]

I also declared that there would be no disposable diapers.. I don't think I lasted more then a week or two with cloth.. Honestly I thought they only sold cloth diapers now so I had a supply of cleaning rags.  28 years later, I'm still using them.

I was going to make all my sons food fresh.. the only thing that I really stuck to was breast feeding and after a very long while I had to call La Leche League and ask them how to get the human slug off my chest.  Growing and learning is the best part of having those babies.

[JaneF]

Such great advice here! I'm still chuckling about thought of NO DISPOSABLE DIAPERS. I got mental picture of when baby has the "scoots", ends up with poo clear down into socks and shoes, never mind clear up his back (and on all the bedding!)bet she'll wish she had disposable on him at that particular time. lol We start with good intentions, then learn how life REALLY is. A wise MIL just smiles  lets them learn on their own! In response about my oldest GD, yes son is aware of her behaviors and apparently agrees or has to not go against wife for fear Attilla the "Mrs. Hun" going berserk on him. Her mom raised her that way by going against her dads rules behind his back, allowing DIL to spend long alone hours with son at my ex husbands house hmmmmm. Two teens unsupervised for hours, gee, wonder why they ended up expecting my GD while in high school. Duh. My DIL does not work outside the home, my son works full time a physically hard job. On his days off he was taking 5 or 6 loads laundry to grandmas house while toting my infant GD and watching older GD too, because DIL needed a break. lol He also does any cooking, but they mostly eat out EVERY DAY  , that's costly (because DIL doesn't cook much). Their house is disgusting,  just filth. I never utter a word though. It's his life. He used to be like his dad, physically and mentally abusive to her, which I DON'T condone, he knows that. NOW the opposite is true, SHE is CHIEF,  she mentally controls him. What a soap opera life. You are right about if I was more involved I'd see more that I might not want to see, but I was thinking I might be able to tell GD about GOOD things in life, give her correct attention, set a better example for her and just let her know about safety, dangers of predators via internet etc. Hope she doesn't repeat mistakes her parents made, have baby as a teen. They are the parents so I have not butted in, sad the GD's will suffer for bad parenting. Yes, I am strong, I've  had hardship, even loss of a son in 1979, but I also have had many blessings!

[LaurieS]

I might be able to tell GD about GOOD things in life, give her correct attention, set a better example for her and just let her know about safety, dangers of predators via internet etc. Hope she doesn't repeat mistakes her parents made, have baby as a teen. They are the parents so I have not butted in, sad the GD's will suffer for bad parenting.

She has already suffered due to a lackadaisical style of parenting. This pre-teen is not going to listen to you. At this point if her parents decided that they would take their job more seriously, she wouldn't listen to them either. Now you start praying for the child, or possibly fund a extracurricular activity that she could become involved in that might place her in a more positive surrounding.. Off the top of my head.. Karate maybe.

[JaneF]

You might be right about her not listening to me at this point because of her parents lack of supervision, or her being allowed to act badly all this time. And I also agree that she won't listen to her parents now even if they try to set limits and boundaries...but if they were smart they'd at least try! First thing I'd do I'm afraid is rip that cell phone with it's text messaging functions apart piece by piece, then remove her facebook page and myspace and all that and only allow computer use for homework, but I'd sit right there and WATCH hER! lol Her grades are in the toilet, and I'm not surprised. When she is on computer or cell phone at 2 or 3 am?? THEN I'd remove any article of clothing that showed more than an 11 year old needs to be showing, remove her MAKE-UP, and fake nails...and last, the next time she walked with that arrogant swagger or did that "gangsta peace sign crap", or listened to that SHOCKING vulgar music they allow, she'd have so many extra chores to do to keep her occupied her head would spin! I know perfectly well this child is on the way to OH MY GOSH!!! SAD when her great GF is a PASTOR! On DIL's side, not mine.

[LaurieS]

This is sad and very disturbing, but your gd is not alone.. there is a very high percentage of pre-teens being raised this very way.