DIL that has a dilemma

[cremebrulee]

I don't believe any son stops loving his mother..you can't turn love on or off....however, I do feel that some son's do deem it necessary to back off of they're parents due to conflicts...he wants to keep his wife happy, understandibly so, and hopes that by back off his parents, his parents will learn not to interfer or smother....or whatever the problem is...but if they choose to back off, and then want to discuss the issue again....I really feel, if the inlaws do refuse to understand his plight, and responds negatively and in a angry way...it will not be reconciled....

When son's and DIL's return, they are saying, we want a relationship with you, but some things need to change...and....

it is very difficult for a parent to acknowledge that son desires this, to keep the peace and emotional turmoil out of his life....

[Orly]

How about doing the split holidays?  If you have Christmas this year with your family because of deploying relatives and new nieces/nephews...why not have Thanksgiving at hers?  Then alternate next year?  Do the two of you  ever make the effort to go see his mother?  Or does she always come down your way?  If both of you can't get away...could one of you do the "take the grandbabies for a visit", if just for a weekend or two ..twice a year?

Is your husband wanting to be actively involved with his mom?  Does he still call her monthly?  Do you send her pictures of the kids, crayon pictures from them and updates on how everyone is doing?  Or is the total involvement only when she shows up standing on your doorstep? 

[BitterDIL06]

I try my best not to be one of those DILs but sometimes its really hard not to be.  I dont limit her time here except with our work & school constraints. I dont have tons of vacation time to take off and entertain her and neither does my husband. We both get limited sick leave and with two little ones you know how quickly that goes! The vacation we just took was our first vacation ever since we were married.  My husband does talk to her monthly or when he calls but honestly their relationship over the years(way before I joined the picture) has always been somewhat strained and even he doesnt want her to visit all that often.  We didn't put her on the back burner, she put my DH there and now wants to move him to the front only when she wants it.  Part of my resentment towards her does stem from things that happened before me and believe me I am trying my best to move past it but its so hard to hear her talk about how much time she spent with my DH in one breath and then my DH to say no I was at Grandmas/dads/ Grandpas more than home, or to hear her tell how he was alone while she went to her "socialization" activities. My children come first to me, before my job, husband, friends etc. and I honestly dont understand how she could do all of her activities while her son was at home. And when he got to be teenage years, she had his dad take custody of him because her new husband didnt want him to move with them. I mean I understand that all this happened before me but I do resent her because of it and am not sure how to let it go. I have talked it through with my DH, my mother, my girlfriends and I just cant let go of the nagging feeling that if I let her too close to my babies, she will let them down the way she did their dad. I mean yes she could totally surprise me but I mean she cant give up her "social" activities for  a weekend, so I doubt I will be suprised!

I guess my big questions is to her, how come you cannot put your singles dance on the back burner for the weekends that we don't have exams or he is not working but you expect us to put exams on the back burner ? Honestly yes I tend to get a little nastier towards her when things like that happen because I feel she is being selfish by expecting us to drop everything when it suits her but her never make the sacrifice for us.  I just do not understand it :-(

I do really try because I see what it does to my mom who has two daughter in laws and she gets rebuffed by them occasionally now that they have kids. Atleast my mom has me, my  MIL does not have any other children so I do feel bad for her.

Miss Priss-  Thanks! I ordered the book ! Now if I can just get DH to read it.... That may be harder than pulling teeth!

[Pooh]

Welcome BitterDIL.  I'm so glad you found this forum where you could vent and be heard.  You will find it a good place to get your thoughts down in writing.

It very much sounds like your MIL is very selfish, self-centered and requires a lot of attention.  She doesn't understand that you guys have a life and that she needs to keep your needs in mind as well as her own.  I agree with the other ladies here, that you and DH need to agree to some clear boundaries with her.  Talk to him and find out how often he would like to see her.  Then pick some dates that would accomadate his needs and give them to her.  If she can't make arrangements during those times, then that is her choice.  Inviting herself on your only vacation was very, very wrong!  She has no right to do that and you shouldn't feel the least bit guilty about that. 

No matter what your DH's relationship was during his childhood or teenage years, that is his to deal with.  I know you love him and are angry for him, but the past is the past and if he is still calling her once a month, then he is choosing to have a relationship with her.  You don't have to like it, but you have to honor it.  You don't have to love her or even like her, but you should try to let his past go and can't hold it against her.  He can, you can't.

It sounds like you are making an effort to keep her in your lives, and for that, you should be respected.  Her lack of interest during your pregnancy then expecting to be at the birth, was her fault.  Her constant "reminding" of everyone that she wasn't there shows that she was hurt by it, but that was her own doing and there is nothing you can do to change that.  She is never going to see it any other way but that she wasn't there.

Now I am going to say the part you are not going to like.  I have heard several times on this site from DIL's about their busy schedules.  I raised two sons, 15 months apart, worked full-time, ran them to sports 5 days a week, went to night school for 5 years, had friends, cleaned house, paid bills, did yardwork, went to charitable events, etc. for my entire life, but I still made time for my DH's parents to be included.  If you have time for your family, then you have time for his.  It's about choices and I gave up getting my nails done or my hair done to make time because it was the right thing to do.  Would I have liked to have had more time for myself?  You betcha, but I chose to foster that relationship, even though I could not stand my MIL, because it was his Mother.  I did it for him.  My Mother did it for her DH and her Mother before her.   I think when a woman marries and becomes a Mother, that it is normal for us to become superwomen and juggle everything.  What you choose to juggle is up to you.

From everything you posted, it does seem that you are trying and that says much about your character.  I am truly sorry you are having such a hard time with your MIL and hope that she realizes some day how lucky she is that you are still trying.

[Sheen]

Welcome BitterDIl,
I too am sorry you are having such trouble but I tend to agree with Pooh. Most of us on this site have had to deal with raising our children, work schedules, school schedules and activities etc but you will find that few every actually cut their inlaws out of the picture so completely as seems to be quite common these days. I had four children, worked full time, commuted over an hour a day, and yet when it came to family, whether it was his or mine, we always found time. We did alot of running around when the kids were small to both families during the holidays although we eventually stopped that . Even so both families were always welcome in our home and everyone got their share of the children.  Was it easy?  Absolutely not and there were times when I was ready to pull my hair out but to say to my hub, I don't wish to spend time with your family just did not seem fair to me.   We both had close relationships with our family and I could not in good conscience say my family was any more important then his.

Another thing that you might wish to consider is although your hub states that he was not really close to his mom and lists things he feels she neglected , it is a fact that you are only hearing one side of this story. As many of us can attest to, some of our sons come up with stories of their childhood that we as parents can not even relate to or remember.   It is hard to pass judgement on things when you are only hearing one side of a story and your mil might have an entirely different perspective . Granted it is easier to believe everything that has been said and react on that but sometimes you just need to sort thru everything to find out the truth.

I do hope the problems work themselves out , good luck.

[BitterDIL06]

See but I am not saying that we are always to busy. Just this semester we asked her not to visit during exam weekends. We did offer three different weekends where we did not have exams but she was busy during those timesThis has been a temporary no visit time just because of school and work. This one semester is the first time we have really set up a real boundary regarding visits! Usually she comes down twice a year (each of their birthdays) and maybe another time.  Thats part of my point, this was a one time thing of being busy, (yes it was a long stretch)and she took it extremely personal. Since none of the weekends that we offered worked for her, we offered for her to come up the day after Xmas (when my brother left) but that wasnt good enough for her to celebrate Xmas. She wants Christmas morning, which is me and my husbands special time with the kids. My parents & sibs are not there, its just me, my dh and our children. I wont even let my family be part of that because that's MY time.  I know that may sound selfish but that is one thing sacred to me. My kids are only going to be little once and my MIL had her Xmas mornings with her son, my parents had theirs with me and now it is my time to have Xmas morning with my kids!

Yes we do see my parents every day while I drop off and pick up my kids but we dont spend our weekends with them or visit really with them because we are busy. I pick my sons up from my mothers house, say hello/ goodbye and we go home. I spend a few hours with them and as soon as they go to sleep, I hit the books. Same thing on the weekends, as soon as they go down for their naps, we hit the books! She doesnt believe us that we have that much work but we do. The only reason my boys spend so much time with my family is because they are here and provide day care for them.

[Pooh]

Then I think you are being very reasonable in your requests and she is just going to have to deal with it.  I also think your Christmas request was very understandable.  I think parents and grandparents forget that you have a family too, of your own.  All you can do is what you have done, set the boundaries and hope that she understands someday.

[barelythere]

See but I am not saying that we are always to busy. Just this semester we asked her not to visit during exam weekends. We did offer three different weekends where we did not have exams but she was busy during those timesThis has been a temporary no visit time just because of school and work. This one semester is the first time we have really set up a real boundary regarding visits! Usually she comes down twice a year (each of their birthdays) and maybe another time.  Thats part of my point, this was a one time thing of being busy, (yes it was a long stretch)and she took it extremely personal. Since none of the weekends that we offered worked for her, we offered for her to come up the day after Xmas (when my brother left) but that wasnt good enough for her to celebrate Xmas. She wants Christmas morning, which is me and my husbands special time with the kids. My parents & sibs are not there, its just me, my dh and our children. I wont even let my family be part of that because that's MY time.  I know that may sound selfish but that is one thing sacred to me. My kids are only going to be little once and my MIL had her Xmas mornings with her son, my parents had theirs with me and now it is my time to have Xmas morning with my kids!

Yes we do see my parents every day while I drop off and pick up my kids but we dont spend our weekends with them or visit really with them because we are busy. I pick my sons up from my mothers house, say hello/ goodbye and we go home. I spend a few hours with them and as soon as they go to sleep, I hit the books. Same thing on the weekends, as soon as they go down for their naps, we hit the books! She doesnt believe us that we have that much work but we do. The only reason my boys spend so much time with my family is because they are here and provide day care for them.

Dear Bitter,
Your MIL will have to get over it.  These are the parameters you have set up so she doesn't have a choice.  She might be very sad, depressed, etc. but in reality she will either have to come the Day After Christmas or not see her family at all.  I hope all goes well. 

This is one thing I have a blessing about; my DIL wants us there when the kids get up on Christmas morning. We have Christmas Eve here the night before.  I guess I am blessed.  The other DIL and son we see the day after because they don't live here but when they did live here, it was a battle to see which son and DIL got the first visit from us on Christmas Day. If we went to the other one first, the DIL we visited second was hurt.

Whatever the DIL wants is how it's going to be.  Period.

[cremebrulee]

Dear Bitter
I understand your dilema and it is tragic....MIL feels like you don't want her there, and that isn't true....you do, but now is just not a good time with exams....

Suggestion, give her time to cool down....then call her and invite her there....when she comes, you and hubby sit her down and try and explain to her that it wasn't meant as a personal attack and your very sorry she took it that way...

for the life of me, it's so difficult for me to understand why people take things so personal, or as a personal attack, why are they not able to see, that now is just not a good time period? 

Not that it is anything against them, but they are unable to see beyond themselves and understand, that right now, you are busy....that's all, nothing personal....or is it about anyone dislikeing anyone else...it's simply that you need this time to yourselves for whatever reason...

hugs
Creme

[stilltryen]

New rule:  Christmas morning is our time.  Period.  No IL, no FOO.  Just your little family.  Stick to it - and apply it across the board.

Sometimes parents feel like they made mistakes raising their children and might feel like they're getting a second chance to do better with the grandchildren.  Your MIL might be one of them. 

My DIL is always making rules.  Every time my DS starts a sentence with, "We don't want . . , " that's code for "DIL has a new rule you need to follow."  These have included:  Don't tell anyone she's pregnant, don't buy anything for the baby unless she gives you permission," etc., etc., etc.  Now that the baby is going to be a girl, new rule.  "Don't buy anything pink, she hates that color."  After the last baby shower she was complaining that everybody didn't follow the register.  Yes, God forbid the guests buy what they want, she wants to dictate every little thing.  Gratefully DS and I are very close, and he works close by.  I try to meet him for lunch a couple times a month and keep in touch with him.  And nope, other than asking how she is and how she's feeling, I never bring her up unless he does.  I refuse to get caught in the middle and have her think that I'm complaining about her or talking about her behind her back.  I always tell DS that, of course, we'll follow whatever the latest rule is and I do try.  However, do you know how hard it is to find baby girl clothing that is NOT pink?  Arggghhhh.

Funny thing, she thinks she's all sensible and accomodating and gracious . . . . hahahahaha

[LaurieS]

She'll be in for a rude awakening when the hospital brings to her, her new precious baby girl swaddled in pink

[Nana]

Laurie... thats funny jaja
Stiltryen...not wanting pink clothes for the baby girl.... she is weird....


Love

[1Glitterati]

She'll be in for a rude awakening when the hospital brings to her, her new precious baby girl swaddled in pink

Really...every photo I've ever seen of a hospital swaddled baby is that white blanket with the couple of colored stripes on near one end.

[erma]

 

[erma]

oh well, my post went into cyber poof!