Ambivalence About Possible Visit

[justdontunderstand]

To All You Kind Ladies,
There is so much thought provoking in your responses! I wish I could respond to each and every one. Here are just some of the things you have made me think about.

What do I really want?        Truthfully, I don't want to see DIL right now.
Can I handle a visit that goes poorly?        No, I don't think I could. If things got worse because of it, I would feel like I was starting all over again.
Can I hope for the best?         No, I don't think I can (Luise--Chicken Little flies around my house too!)
Could I be open and honest directly with DIL about my feelings of hurt, confusion and desire to move forward?     No, I am afraid that if she saw how hurt I have been she would feel empowered.
Do I think my son is pushing this visit as some attempt at reconciliation?  No, I think he is in denial of how wide the estrangement really is and how much hurt we have felt.
Do I think my DIL may be nervous around me or feels similarly about our relationship? No, I think she has the relationship she wants with us---aloof and distant. Why do I think that? She has never done one thing to try and reach out to us from the beginning. All the reaching has been on our side and our arms are tired! 

With all that said, I don't know how to say no to DS without driving him away. He is clueless, I think of just how hard it has been for us. It would be so easy for him to see my refusal to this visit as a clear sign that I don't want to be around his wife. I feel trapped. I want to take care of myself by saying no. However, just like when he was little, I feel like I should put my needs second to his. It is a hard habit to break! I feel absolutely trapped!

[barelythere]

To All You Kind Ladies,
There is so much thought provoking in your responses! I wish I could respond to each and every one. Here are just some of the things you have made me think about.

What do I really want?        Truthfully, I don't want to see DIL right now.
Can I handle a visit that goes poorly?        No, I don't think I could. If things got worse because of it, I would feel like I was starting all over again.
Can I hope for the best?         No, I don't think I can (Luise--Chicken Little flies around my house too!)
Could I be open and honest directly with DIL about my feelings of hurt, confusion and desire to move forward?     No, I am afraid that if she saw how hurt I have been she would feel empowered.
Do I think my son is pushing this visit as some attempt at reconciliation?  No, I think he is in denial of how wide the estrangement really is and how much hurt we have felt.
Do I think my DIL may be nervous around me or feels similarly about our relationship? No, I think she has the relationship she wants with us---aloof and distant. Why do I think that? She has never done one thing to try and reach out to us from the beginning. All the reaching has been on our side and our arms are tired! 

With all that said, I don't know how to say no to DS without driving him away. He is clueless, I think of just how hard it has been for us. It would be so easy for him to see my refusal to this visit as a clear sign that I don't want to be around his wife. I feel trapped. I want to take care of myself by saying no. However, just like when he was little, I feel like I should put my needs second to his. It is a hard habit to break! I feel absolutely trapped!

Whatever you decide to do, and you will make a good decision when the time comes, I would advise you NOT to talk to your DIL about your feelings.  The problem is that she might/she will-- go to your son and tell him something about what you said to her.  Often it isn't what you said.  Not always but often.  "your Mother said...so and so"

I know how trapped you feel, it is scary, no doubt.  She is going to be a part of your son's life so you are going to have to be with them.  It's just a fact.  And no, don't let her see you're hurt.  Do not engage her at all.  Don't be aloof but don't agonize over every word you say and everything you do around her.  I've been there, it only makes them worse.  You will be strong this time when you are around them.

[justdontunderstand]

Dear Barelythere,
You struck a chord. I do not feel I can trust my DIL with my feelings. If there was trust there, we wouldn't be where we are today. I no longer feel I can communicate truthfully with my DS either. A once close and open relationship has morphed into something unrecognizable to us. The truth is I could easily blame DIL (he did begin to change when he met her) but he might have changed anyway. I am willing to say I don't know why he changed (and not blame her) but the why really doesn't matter so much anyway. I am trying to deal with the new DIL and the new DS as well. I think he wants to stay in our lives but I just really don't know what DIL wants. I think she is pretty content not to have much contact based upon how she behaves. What else can you go on except how someone behaves toward you? 

My biggest issue is that I am an open book kind of person. My emotions show in my face and I have no "game face". What you see is what you get. I simply am not good at wearing a happy face when I am stressed or nervous. I can hold my tongue but I can't hide my emotions. I am still in that "cry easily" stage when I get frustrated with this new reality. I am so afraid that I will cry in front of my DS or DIL if something is said or done that hurts me or my family. I do not want to show that vunerability . I want to keep my dignity!

[barelythere]

Dear Barelythere,
You struck a chord. I do not feel I can trust my DIL with my feelings. If there was trust there, we wouldn't be where we are today. I no longer feel I can communicate truthfully with my DS either. A once close and open relationship has morphed into something unrecognizable to us. The truth is I could easily blame DIL (he did begin to change when he met her) but he might have changed anyway. I am willing to say I don't know why he changed (and not blame her) but the why really doesn't matter so much anyway. I am trying to deal with the new DIL and the new DS as well. I think he wants to stay in our lives but I just really don't know what DIL wants. I think she is pretty content not to have much contact based upon how she behaves. What else can you go on except how someone behaves toward you? 

My biggest issue is that I am an open book kind of person. My emotions show in my face and I have no "game face". What you see is what you get. I simply am not good at wearing a happy face when I am stressed or nervous. I can hold my tongue but I can't hide my emotions. I am still in that "cry easily" stage when I get frustrated with this new reality. I am so afraid that I will cry in front of my DS or DIL if something is said or done that hurts me or my family. I do not want to show that vunerability . I want to keep my dignity!

We have the very same "show on your face emotions".  Until I quit trying with all my might to engage my DIL, she continued to say and do things that hurt terribly. She knows I am a cryer and all things show on my face.  I quit all engaging with her and she got better.  She still stomps around barking orders but I don't care anymore so i don't react.  Been at this for years and years.  I wish I had back the years this took from me.

I love my son and think highly of him but I also feel differently about him.  This last ordeal about her FOOey's and their need to control their every move, showed me what he was up against.  Her FOOey's are boss and to keep her from being hurt, he goes along with them.

We are not offered the same.  It makes you not feel the same.  If you really knew what was going on in your son's life, you might feel this way too.  I hope you find out.

[Nana]

JustdontUnderstand

This is not an easy one.  I so much relate with you.  I used to get all nervous around dil all the time.  I was not the usual me.  Trying to say the right things....not wanting to make mistakes so that she would love or at least accept me.  I was a rack.  Things changed completely and now I feel comfortable with her around and I feel she does too.  We could say we are now close....

I am an open book too.  You can see when I am happy, sad, worry.  I cried many times.   I remember when myfirst gc was born.  I went to visit her just like other relatives (her relatives and ironically some of my relatives, such as nieces,  my son's cousins and aunts) and she was so rude to me that I just step out of her house and cried all the way back home.  My husband saw me and was really mad at dil.  My son called wanting to know the reason of me living his house and I refused to speak to them both for about two days.  She then called me and apologized and we both cry on the phone.  Some other things came later, but after two years we did resolve our differences.


When I feel that people hurt me, I mark the distance even if this tears my heart.  But once I am heeled, I do think at least twice if I want to exposed myself to start all over the pain process if things go wrong.   Should you get out of your safe zone?  I am not sure, but then you will never know.  Probably it is worth it.  What if she has reconsidered her attitude and is sorry?  We know ourselves well and only you know how difficult it was for you to   adjust to your new life without them. 

Ask God or whoever you believe in....to make you make a wise decision.  And that what you decide be for better.

Love

[catchingup]

JDU, how cool is it that you're ambivalent? I think it's great! There's power in ambivalence - you don't expect anything, you're not going to be disappointed, you are in 'take it or leave it' mode. Hurray! You said "She has way too much power to turn me into something I don't like to be." I understand, oh boy do I, but reading this post from you shows me that NO, she doesn't have any power over you that you don't give her!

Best wishes - take care of yourself and the rest will follow. And have an escape plan. Perhaps a friend could suddenly need a big favor that only you can handle? You'll think of something.
[/quote
"An escape plan" Wonderful idea Pen.
Funny you should say this. I was pondering on this question this morning and was thinking that even having a quick whitted,cheerful friend pop in "Unexpectedly" would be a good idea.

[seafoam]

Dear justdontunderstand,

Our situations are almost exactly the same.  Nearly two years ago, my DIL and her FOO accused me of things that aren't true - quoting chapter and verse on how they knew that I loved my daughter more than my son.  I realized that they were effectively driving a wedge between me and my son.  I cried for months about it.  DIL has avoided any contact with me since then.  (I think she may be embarrassed about things she said.)  Several weeks ago DS informed me that they would be coming to visit us on Thanksgiving, and asked me to think of things that would make DIL feel welcome here. 

I can't even say that I am ambivalent, as you have expressed.  My true feelings right now are that I don't want her here.  I don't know how I can be a gracious hostess for her.  I know that I am not yet ready to re-establish a relationship.  I also know that I should NEVER say this to DS.

I am lucky this time, however, because two days ago DS informed me that he will come home alone, that DIL doesn't want to come here, that she will go home to her family instead.  So I have escaped the bullet.  Temporarily.

So perhaps I know exactly how you feel.  I know that DIL will come here someday, and if I have not healed by that time, I will need to find ways to cope with the situation.  My plan for coping, should I need it, is to smile a lot, but say nothing.  (My words have always been misinterpreted by DIL.)  Isn't there some research somewhere that says if one smiles, the body goes along with the ruse and eventually relaxes and has a good time?  I'm hoping that may be true. 

[Eva]

With all that said, I don't know how to say no to DS without driving him away. He is clueless, I think of just how hard it has been for us. It would be so easy for him to see my refusal to this visit as a clear sign that I don't want to be around his wife. I feel trapped. I want to take care of myself by saying no.
--------------------------------
JDU
look at this from unwanted quest point
did DIL invite you to her house? -No
you did not invite DIL to your house? -No
DIL put you into this a situation,
DIL must know how uneasy, tiptoed you are around her,
yet why did DIL invited herself to your home?
Because she love your son and respect you? -No

Why DIL is willing to come knowing that you did not invite her?
is that some new mother-in law test DIL put on you?
If you say NO to her invasion into your home
she would be probably very happy
and probably say to your son
" you see, you mother does not want me in her home"
and from now DIL would have a reason not to come
which would leads to estrangement....

it is still little hope here that DIL will canceled on the last day
calling you that she is so sick that they can not come...

what would I do in your situation?
prepare for best, but have so back plans-
my friend is sick, have to bring her soup, have to walk her dog
-which is true -I do that time to time
forget to buy something-will be back soon-
-asking son and DIL if they want something...
about crying in from of DIL -
just be honest and tell them that you do not feel good lately
-which is true,  stress is not good for you
wishing you well

[justdontunderstand]

Dear Seafoam,
Thanks for sharing. It is so helpful to know someone "gets it". Sometimes I just feel like I have bad karma or something. What have I done that merits this pain? I blame myself for not being stronger...for not  being tough enough to "soldier on through it". Then I feel like I am just whining and need to get on with it. I can't win even with my self talk!

Dear Eva,
I have wondered what my DIL's part in this proposed visit is. Is this another test for me to fail? Am I missing a change of heart she might be having even though there is nothing actually being said to lead me to believe that?  Is this just my DS trying to hold on to us>

I am so off balance around DIL because I just don't know her well. What I do know about her is full of heartache. Thanks for responding to my reaching out.

[seafoam]

Dear JDU,
If you decide to let that visit happen, let us all know when the event occurs and I (we) will be available for support.  I liked several of the suggestions others made - suggestions to get out of the house when the going gets too deep.  I can imagine wanting to take some chicken soup to an imaginary sick friend -- I really thought that one might work --- until I remembered that DS knows all my friends.  As a 'local' boy, he knows the town better than I.  Could I manage to escape to the store for some forgotten ingredient?  Or would he jump in with an offer to get it for me, leaving me alone with DIL?   

I don't think you are whining.  I know the hurt feelings and the crying.  But I know that for myself, I am going to get on with it just because I don't want to risk any new dings in my relationship with my son.
We're here for you.  Make plans.  Talk them out. 
seafoam

[Eva]

Could I manage to escape to the store for some forgotten ingredient?  Or would he jump in with an offer to get it for me, leaving me alone with DIL?   
I don't think you are whining.  I know the hurt feelings and the crying.  But I know that for myself, I am going to get on with it just because I don't want to risk any new dings in my relationship with my son.
We're here for you.  Make plans.  Talk them out. 
--------------------
seafoam happy Halloween
first one was scary-
leaving me alone with DIL?
very good strategy would be invite DIL to come with us,
driving to mall and stay there for couples of hours...

second one is very smart-make plans talk them out...

[jill]

jdu - I agree with Scoop.  Do you think it may push your son further away if you tell them not to visit? If my dd wanted to visit I would welcome her, and hope it was the beginning of healing.

[Pen]

Or, for another escape plan, tell them a friend called and needs some emergency "lady product," the more intimate the better. I'll bet you'd get to go alone

But seriously, I totally understand what you're going through. It's so hard to be on this emotional see-saw. We know it could be so much easier and less stressful. I hope it becomes so for you.

[Pooh]

I have been thinking about this, because I can so put myself in this situation.  I really wish my DS would visit, but without my DIL and that's not going to happen.

I love all of the advice that's been given, but I honestly must say, I am tired of walking on eggshells and being deceitful to keep the peace, so I have stopped.  I have not been calling, texting, leaving FB messages....nada!

If all of a sudden my DS and DIL decided to come for a visit, I would say "Sure."  I would wait and see how the visit played out.  If DIL was being nice, then I would be nice.  If DIL was giving it an effort, I would give it an effort.   If DIL was trying, I would try....but if I saw no improvement and she was still acting her normal self, all bets are off!  I will no longer take the hateful looks, rolling eyes, foot stomping and hateful words.  I would simply look at her and say, "You are in my home and will treat me with respect.  If you can't, then the visit is over."  If DS stood up for her, then so be it.  I am to the point that my DS needs to take a stand as well.  He can either tell her behavior is not acceptable, or not.  If HE wants a relationship with me, then it is his responsibility to take care of it.  All I can do is stand up for myself and not allow them to treat me badly.  If he wants to get mad at me, Ok.  I am over it.  He choose her, not me and if he wants to get mad at me, for what she says, well.....have a time!  I know this sounds mean of me, but I am tired of her treating me badly, and DS going along with it and refuse to let it happen any longer.  If they stomped out.....so be it.  At least my dignity would remain with me this time instead of going with them!  I do hope for a relationship with them, but not at the expense of myself.   She either learns to be respectful, and he learns to refuse to stop letting her be disrespectful, or they can go to Chuck-E-Cheese!

It's in their court.  You want respect....then give it. 

Whew...that felt good!

[Barbie]

I agree with you 100%, DH and I are at that stage right now, it doesn't matter that our GD is in the middle, we figured it's their loss and if someday GD wants to have a relationship with us hopefully we'll still be around, but we're tired of their attitude. Lately our DS and GD have visited us without DIL, at first we saw it as rejection, now we feel relieved that we don't have to put up with her.