And so it starts....again

[free_at_last]

I'm not sure if this is the right category for this, but it involves an adult son and his family so it seems like the most relevant place.

I guess I'm having a bad day and really need to vent.  My husband's family has been cut off for about a year and a half now (after 20 years of dealing with constant issues with them).  We go long stretches where all is quiet, and life is peaceful and happy.  It seems that they can only go about 3 or 4 months at a time leaving us alone, and then they start again, and we are left feeling like we are being ganged up on. 

I can't post too many details about anything that happens with them.  I'm not comfortable posting too much publicly because of past problems with stalking and harassment by some of them.  In the past 6 weeks there have been 3 incidents, involving 4 different family members.  One was a verbal "ambush" and confrontation of my husband in a public parking lot (I was not there, thank goodness), the second was just a couple weeks ago and involved a letter from a lawyer sent on behalf of some family members that aren't allowed to contact him directly in any way because of past harassment, and the latest was a card that my husband received in the mail yesterday.  Overall, it would have been a nice card, it basically said even though we don't get along I'm glad you're part of my family.  The problem was there was a handwritten note on the card pushing their religion on him (again).  Religion has been a huge issue from the start, and they have been told over and over to leave it alone and their refusal to do so definitely contributed to the cut-off, although it isn't the only issue, or even the biggest issue, by far.

I should point out that there has never been even a semblance of "normal" family dynamic even when my husband was a child.   He was abused and neglected, the courts were involved, and it was a big mess.  From the time he was a pre-schooler he never knew from day to day where he would be or who he would be with.  He does not feel a connection with any living family members and never has.  The one family member (grandmother) that did care about him and tried to do her best for him growing up, has passed away. 

I can't help wondering what we have to do to get these people to just leave us alone?  It doesn't bother my husband as much as it bothers me, he just tells me that nothing they do surprises him and it's best to ignore it, but he also says they won't stop as long as they can think of new ways to try to get under our skin.  The last time things like this started happening it escalated to the point that I couldn't eat, sleep, and could barely get through a day without at least one panic attack.  The worst offenders received an official "cease and desist" letter due to stalking and harassment and they know we have everything we need to press charges if they ever contact us again directly, but they still just won't leave us totally alone.  We don't want anything from them and we never have, and we aren't asking for anything other than peace and quiet, WHY is that so impossible for them?  I'm just getting so exhausted from it all. 

[Pooh]

Bless your heart Free.  I am so sorry that it has started up again.  Why is it that some people think they have to make other people miserable to make themselves happy.  I have never understood it and never will. 

[Orly]

I understand where you are coming from...we are dealing with a SIL like this.

You have gone as far as getting a CandD order levied against them, call your lawyer and have it enforced with court sanctions.  At this point it is about the only thing you can do.  Keeping as far away as you can is good too.   Your hubby's family has documented records that they are abusive people and doing all you can to stay away from them seems to be the best road you can travel.  They want to control you and yours, they don't want to let the two of you out of the "net". 

Just keep plugging away. 

[cremebrulee]

Yanno Free, there is nothing you can do....to please them and they will definately infiltrate your life if you allow them to...don't...I agree with Orly....

people like this never get it....in other words, you could tell them no, and they wouldn't hear you...

they have to have they're way, and they have no knowledge of personal boundaries...

you have a right to protect yourself
it is also impossible to have a relationship with someone who refused to acknowledge boundaries...
you are the co-creators of your lives and have a right to set personal boundaries...

Changing our relationship with self/life is vital in order to make any long term changes in our relationships with others.  It is vital to learn to respect and honor our selves, so that we can awaken to the need to have boundaries that let other people know that we deserve and demand respect.

What is so powerful and effective about the inner child healing process, as I have learned to apply it....is that it changes our core relationships with ourselves.  Once we start having a more loving relationship with ourselves, everything changes.  We start to naturally and normally, set boundaries with others...speak our Truths...and start to own our right to be alive and be treated with respect and dignity.

With boundaries, as in every area of the healing process, change starts with awareness.  AWARENESS is essential in life, without it, relationships with others always seem to fail.  These people do not pocess one drop of awareness Free....if they didn, they wouldn't act so unstable, this is unfair to anyone they come in contact with...and contaminates others...they are toxic....

I had to hear about boundaries, and start learning the concept before I could even realize that I didn't have any. 

I had to start getting some glimmer of an idea of what boundaries are, and how to set them, in order to understand how hard they were for me - and how absolutely vital to learning to Love myself.

It doesn't matter how foolish we think the boundaries of others are, it is they'res to own, and we must respect them....

so, I certainly hope your not beating yourself up....Free, remember, you deserve to be happy.  Every one does....

these people...you are dealing with....are stalkers...

Stalkers will not take "no" for an answer...

They refuse to believe that a victim is not interested in them...they feel that you really do love them, but but just do not know it you need to be pushed into realizing it.   As long as they continue pursuing you, the stalker can convince themselves they haven't been completely rejected yet.  Stalkers hate rejection, and cannot hear the word no...

Stalkers display an obsessive personalities.

They are totally obsessed with the person they are pursuing.

Their every waking thought centers on the victim...and every plan the stalker has for the future involves the victim.   Is the person totally involved in and completely overwhelmed with pursuing someone who has no and never will have any interest in a relationship with them. 

The Victims of Stalkers can also be family members....

Along with obsessive thinking...they also display other personality problems... Stalkers sometimes have rigid personalities and maladaptive styles.   They will go to great lengths to obtain information about their victims or to find victims who have secretly moved...they will hack into computers, tap telephone lines, take jobs at public utilities that allow them access to the victims or information about the victims.  These people seriously have no clue.

Stalkers don't display the discomfort or anxiety that people should naturally feel in certain situations.

Normal individuals would be extremely embarrassed to be caught following other people, going through their trash looking for information about them, leaving obscene notes, and other inappropriate behavior displayed by stalkers. Stalkers, however, don't see this as inappropriate behavior, but only as a means to gain the person's love and no matter what, they are right...period.

Stalkers often suffer from low self-esteem, and feel they must have a relationship with the victim in order to have any self worth....Preoccupation with other people almost always involve someone with weak social skills and low self-esteem.

Few stalkers can see or care how their actions are hurting others... they cannot learn from experience, and they don't believe society's rules apply to them....

Most stalkers don't think they're really threatening, intimidating, or even stalking someone else. They think they're simply trying to show the victims that they're the right one for them. Stalkers, want absolute control over their victims. They don't regard what they're doing as a crime, or even wrong.   Stalkers may sometimes have mean streaks in them, when they don't get they're way...

so, no matter what Free...understand, that your life is first and foremost...God bless you both...

Creme

[free_at_last]

Thanks so much for the replies.  It is helpful just to type it all out and get some feedback, and I am feeling a little better this afternoon. 

Yes, we know the "black hole" approach is best.  They get no reaction from us (at least not any reaction that they will ever see or know) and a reaction is what they want.  I keep thinking/hoping that they will get tired of the game and back away, but instead they just keep inventing new ways to try to get to us.  Our lawyer has already been called and everything has been and is being documented.  We really don't want to have to press charges but if it continues or escalates to the point it was before the letter was sent, we know we will have to.  I just hate the whole situation....there is no reason for it other than they just won't accept that they can't control everything.  They were told, numerous times, to just leave us alone, before we had the C&D letter sent.  We hoped that the letter would finally be enough to get them to back off, but even at the time that it was sent, DH warned me that it would probably only work for a little while. 

I know it's true that they don't know how to take "no" for an answer and that has been the problem since the beginning...when they don't get their way they try all ways possible to make our lives miserable.  They know how much we hate all the drama and games and conflict in their family so they aren't going to let us get away from it.  I'm not beating myself up over it, I know this is their issue, not mine....I'm just angry.  Angry at them for doing this yet again, and angry at myself for letting it bother me when I thought I was getting past that. 

[luise.volta]

Dear F-A-L: You have a family. We're right here! Sending love...

[free_at_last]

Thanks, Luise   I am so glad I found this place and the people here. 

[Eva]

I can't help wondering what we have to do to get these people to just leave us alone?  It doesn't bother my husband as much as it bothers me..
----------------------

I am very confused
HIS family were cut off after 17 1/2 years?
they can only go 3-4 months at the time  leaving you alone?

could that be that they love him and care about him?

maybe if your husband just pick up the phone
and talk to them would help
why you are so afraid?
up to having panic attack once a day?
was that to manipulate your husband?
it is not stalking if 4 different people try to reach him
on three different occasions in six weeks
-----------------------
Cremebrulee
all coins had two sides
depends which side you are looking

Stalkers often suffer from low self-esteem, and feel they must have a relationship with the victim in order to have any self worth....Preoccupation with other people almost always involve someone with weak social skills and low self-esteem.
They are totally obsessed with the person they are pursuing.

Free_at_last:
"the last time things like this started happening it escalated to the point that I couldn't eat, sleep, and could barely get through a day without at least one panic attack.  The worst offenders received an official "cease and desist" letter due to stalking and harassment and they know we have everything we need to press charges if they ever contact us again directly, but they still just won't leave us totally alone. ...

the second was just a couple weeks ago and involved a letter from a lawyer sent on behalf of some family members that aren't allowed to contact him directly in any way because of past harassment......"
-------------
for every action 1  is a reaction 2
1-worst offenders received...
2-letter from a lawyer send on behalf...

[free_at_last]

I can't help wondering what we have to do to get these people to just leave us alone?  It doesn't bother my husband as much as it bothers me..
----------------------

I am very confused
HIS family were cut off after 17 1/2 years?
they can only go 3-4 months at the time  leaving you alone?

could that be that they love him and care about him?

maybe if your husband just pick up the phone
and talk to them would help
why you are so afraid?
up to having panic attack once a day?
was that to manipulate your husband?
it is not stalking if 4 different people try to reach him
on three different occasions in six weeks
-----------------------
Cremebrulee
all coins had two sides
depends which side you are looking

Stalkers often suffer from low self-esteem, and feel they must have a relationship with the victim in order to have any self worth....Preoccupation with other people almost always involve someone with weak social skills and low self-esteem.
They are totally obsessed with the person they are pursuing.

Free_at_last:
"the last time things like this started happening it escalated to the point that I couldn't eat, sleep, and could barely get through a day without at least one panic attack.  The worst offenders received an official "cease and desist" letter due to stalking and harassment and they know we have everything we need to press charges if they ever contact us again directly, but they still just won't leave us totally alone. ...

the second was just a couple weeks ago and involved a letter from a lawyer sent on behalf of some family members that aren't allowed to contact him directly in any way because of past harassment......"
-------------
for every action 1  is a reaction 2
1-worst offenders received...
2-letter from a lawyer send on behalf...

Eva,

Creme posted that about stalking because she knows more details about my situation than what I can comfortably post publicly, and yes, my family truly was being stalked, no matter how you look at it, and it has all been documented. 

His family was cut off after 20 years, not 17.  This mess has nothing to do with love and caring, it is about their inability to accept my husband's decisions.  He did try talking to them, we both tried, for 20 years before he gave up and finally said "enough". 

I was afraid because we were being harassed and stalked, and home, at work, in stores, and online.  As I said, I am not comfortable discussing the details in a public forum because of the stalking, but we have pictures, emails, and voicemail recordings of everything.  These were not nice "we love you and miss you" kinds of messages.  They were bullying and threatening messages.  At first my husband was the only one they were bothering and he ignored them, so then they started in on me, repeatedly driving by our house when they knew he wasn't home, sending me threats at work, actually showing up at work (they were not allowed in the building), and finally a couple incidents involving our kids.  That's when my husband took it to a lawyer. 

I have no reason to try to manipulate my husband.  I know I am the most important person in his life, just as he knows he's the most important person in mine.  Have you ever had a panic attack?  It's not something that you can make happen at will in order to manipulate someone.  Panic attacks are a physical reaction to stress, and if you ever have one you will likely end up in the ER (where it will be verified as a panic attack) because you will think that you are dying.  I am lucky that I only have them when under extreme stress...some people have them in reaction to normal every day stresses and require medication to control it....the only time I have had them, other than when we were dealing with the harassment, has been in the weeks following the death of a loved one. 

I never said they were stalking us NOW,  I said some members of his family had stalked us in the past, and because of that they are not allowed to contact us directly.  It started just like it is starting now, a few demands here and there, ignored by us, and then it escalated into bullying and threats.  If it escalates this time, we will be pressing charges. 

[LaurieS]

FAL
I think it's hard for those of us who have never been forced to experience a situation such as yours.  I feel that quite a few of the complaints here under a slew of topics deal with women/girls who possess the more diva self-centered qualities. The extreme, be it mil's or dil's, have grown to feel a sense of absolute entitlement.  Once all those invisible boundaries of push and shove are blatantly stepped over and now involve terror and threats, well that is a new league and one that I pray not many of us ever have to face.

I use to downplay stress as it seemed to be the end result for every problem in life.  I've personally never experience a panic attack and I sure hope I never will.. but I learned years ago what real stress does do to your body and mind.  I think only my body was effected, although that is questionable to some.  After numerous miscarriages, surgeries, etc.. I was finally in  my 8th month of a much loved pregancy when it became obvious that something wasn't quite right.. I was put on bed rest but the fear of not having this baby became  so heart wrenching that I was beyond my maximum stress level.  The outcome was not very pretty... shingles.. I didn't even know what shingles were when the doctor told me that I had contracted herpes.. Herpes I screamed while crying (I followed it with I'll castrate the b****t) you know in a moment of panic. I have had to deal with shingles numerous times since then and ALWAYS due to high  levels of stress. 

After experiencing physical problems due to stress beyond mild depression, I will no longer question when someone says that a series of actions caused a medical condition.  While I do not understand panic attacks, I'm terribly sorry that your situation has become this horrendous for you.

[Orly]

Free,
When you are dealing with people who will not listen and you have started the legal cut-off.....that is when you need to get the big bat out and hit them hard.  Mule + 2x4 between mule's eyes = attention on what is being said.  Your C and D order was just the first tap of the 2x4....get your sanctions going against them for the big bang.  Follow through is necessary to get it resolved.   

[free_at_last]

Thanks, Laurie.  I've never had shingles but I understand it's no picnic, either.  I am fortunate that my panic attacks are very rare, I usually go years without one, and when they happen at least I know now what is happening and that helps. 

Orly, I know you are right.  We have been putting off taking that next step because we know it's just going to stir up more of them.  When we sent the letter, we were flooded with emails and phone calls from other family members about how mean we were for not just falling in line and making them all happy. 

[luise.volta]

I had shingles five years ago on the left side of my face and in my eye. They took up residence in my eye in the nerve endings of the optic nerve. I have had two surgeries trying to remove them. Steroids and antivirals didn't do it and I lost my sight. Now, after a cornea transplant last month, some vision is returning. There are cases where they go down the optic nerve and into the brain and cause death. They're nothing to fool with.

And it's an old wives tale that you can only get them once. So I had the immunization, too. Another such tale is you only get them on one side. Not so.

[LaurieS]

You're right Luise, and so much for old wifes tales.  But they have found that while one of the biggest contributors is stress, both physical and mental it's not the only thing that will cause an outbreak.  Something that has been found is vitamin deficiency helps to escalate the problem. 

I'm so sorry to hear about your vision, that would be devastating to have happen.

I just don't want to be singing "Shingle Bells" this holiday season... I'm being faithful to my vitamins and for me that is saying a lot.

[dablacks]

Hello FaL and everyone, I too was stalked some 25 years ago from my ex-husband who was released from a mental hospital on day passes.  He would hide in the back yard, sneak behind trees, try to peek in the windows at night.  The police were called and believe it or not, people with mental illness are not looked at harshly as with other stalkers.  He never once touched me so the court said back then, unless he physically hurts you we can not do a thing.  I was so stressed that I had rashes and at 30 years old I grew a perfect white streak of hair at the top of my head.

Solution:  We sold the house and moved 1000 miles away to a state that favors guns and mothers.  I do not own a gun but in this state, if he would have gone on my property peeking in windows, I would of had the right to protect myself.    I remember reading about women who were killed because they could not get protection from ex-husbands.  Thank goodness that the laws have changed in my old state  to protect people from stalkers.

ps: Once settled in the new state, the grey disappeared.  Now the gray is real