How often?

[GreatWhiteNorth]

I like the note passing suggestion as well

My DH did call her on that one actually, MIL said that she didn't mean it, that it is just that German is what she is comfortable with and she slips. But then when you realize that this woman literally spends days scribing IN ENGLISH about how much she hates so and so, she has got pages and pages of these scribed notes, inches worth of paper. And she leaves them lying around in clear sight, it is almost as if it is her revenge or something for people to read these. They are mostly about how much she hates her husband, she calls him a PIG (always bolded) in these scribed notes. I am not really buying the reason.

MIL seems to have a problem in that she is a chronically angry person, has been for years and years and years. She very much blames everyone else for the predicaments that she finds herself in and is very much out for revenge.

I often do think that a MIL board is the wrong place to post about her, the issue is not that she is a MIL but someone who has some significant psychological issues and is in desperate need of some psychiatric help. Her MIL status has nothing to do with how she behaves really. She was like this before she ever became a MIL.

I guess I can understand how it is upsetting to lump her into the MIL category and then overgeneralize (I have been catching up on some of the posts, been a busy while for me so not on line a whole lot). It really is unfair actually, it does only add to the stereotype. MIL was probably significantly psychologically ill when she was a child, when she was a daughter, when she was a DIL herself, as a mother, as a wife and finally as a MIL, but where do the issues get posted? on a MIL sight...and why is that, it is because the stereotype is so out there that when I googled MIL issues I found all kinds of places that post about it. It is so out there that I immediately thought, oh no...I have a MIL issue.

It is kind of nice actually, I feel like I lost alot in having the woman I do as a MIL as she is just so creepy and mentally disturbed that she truly can not function as a MIL or a grandmother even, or a mother. It is kind of nice to find nice MILs out there, think I will adopt some of you

[luise.volta]

Well, you'd better! We adopted you! 

[Pen]

Pick me! Pick me! Although Laurie has a cleaner house and makes better chili.

[pam1]

I often do think that a MIL board is the wrong place to post about her, the issue is not that she is a MIL but someone who has some significant psychological issues and is in desperate need of some psychiatric help. Her MIL status has nothing to do with how she behaves really. She was like this before she ever became a MIL.

I guess I can understand how it is upsetting to lump her into the MIL category and then overgeneralize (I have been catching up on some of the posts, been a busy while for me so not on line a whole lot). It really is unfair actually, it does only add to the stereotype. MIL was probably significantly psychologically ill when she was a child, when she was a daughter, when she was a DIL herself, as a mother, as a wife and finally as a MIL, but where do the issues get posted? on a MIL sight...and why is that, it is because the stereotype is so out there that when I googled MIL issues I found all kinds of places that post about it. It is so out there that I immediately thought, oh no...I have a MIL issue.

It is kind of nice actually, I feel like I lost alot in having the woman I do as a MIL as she is just so creepy and mentally disturbed that she truly can not function as a MIL or a grandmother even, or a mother. It is kind of nice to find nice MILs out there, think I will adopt some of you

I feel the same way.  The issues we are having (DH and I) with her aren't b/c she's a MIL, it's b/c of this disorder.  As far as I can tell she was like this when DH was a child and probably as a child herself.  She had these issues as a daughter, daughter in law, mother, sister, wife and now mother in law.  Unfortunately her disorder was addressed only superficially before I met DH and now it is the elephant in the room.  The way my DH's family learned to cope was to ignore or give in.  It created a sick family dynamic.  And I don't really have a place to talk about it other than here.

Well folks, tonight is the family meeting.  Dun dun dunnnnn.  The latest word on the street is that I'm not incorporating DH's family enough.  I'm sure that will be brought up tonight.  After the last 2 years of every holiday of mine being taken away, every supposed romantic even in a young couples life invaded by and shifting the spotlight directly on MIL.....yes, I'm not the one blending well.  Talked it over a little with my therapist, she basically said there is no way that we are walking away with this type of conversation with an aha moment or some clarity from MIL.  She said don't even go in there thinking this is going to happen, there is no hope.  Well, isn't that pleasant lol.  She did say this is a chance for me to say my feelings, she told me to concentrate on "I" statements and make my feelings known.  She said that will be worth it enough in having this conversation b/c of how MIL will not speak to me directly, only DH...so this is my chance.  But don't expect it to go well.  Ugh

[GreatWhiteNorth]

Pam 1-
I am in the same boat, my DHs family tends to deal with it by denial, anything to not admit the truth about her. The denial are in way of lines like, "she can't help it", "she means no harm", or "that is just the way she is", or "be the bigger person and adapt to her behavior" She is considered not to be a fully functioning adult thus should not have to or be expected to behave like one.

She seems to perpetuate this, even want this, but for me, I cherish elders for their wisdom and their experience and feel that youth is a gift but aging is an art. I would rather be seen as a wise elder when I am an elder and someone who gave alot to the world, yet she seems to want to be seen as not a fully functioning adult. That is so odd to me, I would personally be offended if in my elder years I was seen and treated as not a fully  functioning adult. The family doesn't seem offended by it either.

The family has only managed to make it worse by enabling her, they have enabled her creepy weird behavior, they have enabled her and her husbands lack of communication as well. She has never had to learn to communicate with her husband as her sons always stepped in, now all we have is two people who have been together for 50 years yet can not communicate with each other. Their enablement has only made her worse in her behavior and has lulled her into believing that her behavior on some level is okay. But then she tried to function in the normal world and just can't.

This family has done her no favors. She is now the equivalent of about 4 year old in a 75 year old womans body. I guess I pity her more then anything for this. I don't believe it has really benefitted her in the end at all.

It is great to see women on here striving for wisdom, learning from the wise. So opposite from what I have seen in my situation.

[LaurieS]

Well folks, tonight is the family meeting.  Dun dun dunnnnn.  The latest word on the street is that I'm not incorporating DH's family enough.  I'm sure that will be brought up tonight.  After the last 2 years of every holiday of mine being taken away, every supposed romantic even in a young couples life invaded by and shifting the spotlight directly on MIL.....yes, I'm not the one blending well.  Talked it over a little with my therapist, she basically said there is no way that we are walking away with this type of conversation with an aha moment or some clarity from MIL.  She said don't even go in there thinking this is going to happen, there is no hope.  Well, isn't that pleasant lol. 

How did your meeting go Pam?  Maybe no aha moments but I do hope that your husband had enough sense to say hey I saw it all laid out and no human can keep up with this schedule.  Even if your mil had a Tasmanian Devil moment I hope you were able to walk away with a sense of renewed balance in your life.  Now it's time to spend a holiday with your family, next year maybe you and hubby can get away for a different type of aha moment.

[pam1]

Well folks, tonight is the family meeting.  Dun dun dunnnnn.  The latest word on the street is that I'm not incorporating DH's family enough.  I'm sure that will be brought up tonight.  After the last 2 years of every holiday of mine being taken away, every supposed romantic even in a young couples life invaded by and shifting the spotlight directly on MIL.....yes, I'm not the one blending well.  Talked it over a little with my therapist, she basically said there is no way that we are walking away with this type of conversation with an aha moment or some clarity from MIL.  She said don't even go in there thinking this is going to happen, there is no hope.  Well, isn't that pleasant lol. 

How did your meeting go Pam?  Maybe no aha moments but I do hope that your husband had enough sense to say hey I saw it all laid out and no human can keep up with this schedule.  Even if your mil had a Tasmanian Devil moment I hope you were able to walk away with a sense of renewed balance in your life.  Now it's time to spend a holiday with your family, next year maybe you and hubby can get away for a different type of aha moment.

It was really odd, I'm still thinking it over.  Not one of the complaints was brought up that MIL has been saying to DH or other family members, not one.  So here we go again with MIL talking to everyone about me with her complaints but not to me.  My guess is that she doesn't really want to solve anything, she likes being at the mercy of big ol mean me lol.  Gives her something to talk about.  I just don't get it though, if all this was so important and so hurtful to her, why not ever say anything to me? 

She mainly talked about holiday plans and stuff she wants to do, which is the same stuff every year that DH does not want to do.  She accepted our changes during the conversation (and really, it's nothing major anyway which was a major head banger that she blew up about it earlier.)  DH had already tried talking to her about this and that is when she had the meltdown and accused me of changing all her traditions blah blah blah and then called the family meeting to discuss it.  ?  So yes, odd stuff.  The only thing DH could think of was that both FIL and I were present so she didn't feel as comfortable in bashing me and DH. 

Eh, whatever.  DH and I decided next year we are going on an Xmas cruise.  Can't wait!

[luise.volta]

Atta girl! Christmas cruises must be great fun! I would sure like to go on a Thanksgiving cruise...since I will be alone. We are snow and ice bound here in WA state. School are closed, a plane ran off runway and a metro bus flipped over. Cars are abandoned in ditches. We have so many snow-free winters, we have limited road clearing equipment and most people have poor winter driving skills. Those who were coming to be with me, can't and I can't go over to nursing and eat with Val because he has an intestinal bug and family have been asked not to visit. Just circumstances...but it feels weird. I'm going to go over to assisted care and eat there to be with others.

[Pooh]

Wow Luise, what bad weather you are having.  So sorry it mucked up your plans, but glad you have a plan B!  I wish you the best Thanksgiving blessings ever!

Pam, I'm glad the meeting went fairly well but I think you are right.  When confronted with everyone, she was playing it cool.

[LaurieS]

Hey Pam, glad she didn't not create a scene and cause hurt feelings.  She might be the type of person who just has to be itching (oops I left out the b) about everything and everyone.  While she is carrying on she has an audience. Quite possibly it's the only time anyone pays her any attention, so nagging about everyone and every situation may have become a poor form of communication.  She didn't bring up anything at the meeting because she's chicken and was probably a little afraid that you might behead her.

My son and dil are doing the Christmas cruise this year.. I'll let you know how much they enjoy it.

[Pen]

I agree. And I think you were right in saying she doesn't seem like she wants to solve anything.

Enjoy your cruise! If DDD was able to make plans of her own we'd be gone baby gone at the holidays.

Luise, you will have a good time no matter where you are - that's how you roll. I'm sorry Val isn't feeling well

[holliberri]

DIL here. I moved home to go to law school (bad idea!). In that time, my husband had found a decent job and we bought a house (where we'll be for at least 3 years due to that government lending). It is very close to my parents, but my in-laws live 800 miles away or so.

I actually see my grandparents once a week (Sunday dinner). I see my dad about every 2 weeks for a few hours, and I see my mom maybe once a month, but often less, for a few hours. They're pretty busy with their own lives (they divorced when I was 17, so mom remarried and Dad is enjoying being solo...I think they're still adjusting to their 'new' lifestyles).  I really appreciate the space they've given us to be a family, plus I'm an introvert...I need downtime to recuperate and I think work and school and baby is more than enough activity in one day.

As for my in-laws, I think we've managed to see them about every 6 weeks since the this year: May, June, August for 2 days, October, and then Thanksgiving and then New Years. We have tried setting up a weekly Skype session as well since the baby was born. In terms of accommodating out of town guests, it is hectic, but doable. The cleaning/prepping the house/nonstop activity/long ride to go down there is hectic, but once I'm past that, I'm okay. Haha.

If ILs lived closer, I think seeing either FOO or DH's FOO once a month is doable; in terms of DD, maybe she could see each on her own once a month on her own in addition to seeing them at a monthly get-together. Not sure this is enough time for ILs or not, but it seems like it is *more* than sufficient for my FOO (exempting my grandparents).

[Barbie]

While my mother was alive DH and I went to my parents' house for lunch every Sunday, my IL's were both deceased. Then after my mom past away my father came to visit us every sunday morning for about 1 hour and played with the GKs, I must add that my kids really enjoyed this time with their only GP, now that he's gone they cherish those memories. I was hoping DH and I could have done the same thing with our GC, but as it turned out, at least with our only GD we see her every 4-5 weeks, either we go to their house or they come over to our house and because they don't live close by we stay the night, not our ideal situation but it's what we got.

[stilltrying2010]

We live away from everyone.  However, my Foo & MIL/sibs live 2000 miles north while FIL lives 1400 mi east. 
Whenever we visit my FOO we visit DH's Foo, usually exactly equal time (not including the day we leave to go to the airport at 7am!)
DHs FOO often complain that my FOO get more weekends (his parents don't work while both mine do).  MIL & step FIL have sometimes come here to visit (usually during cold months) for up to 3 wks at a time.  FIL usually visits us 1 time a year for 5 days.  Both sets of ILs pretty much have zero relationship with me and I have literally heard them talking about me - so glad to cook, clean & host such appreciative people.

[luise.volta]

Thanks, Pen. Val has turned a corner and now thinks I was the one who was sick. There are times when the lack of short-term memory serves!