would really like your opinions

[barelythere]

barelythere, I couldn't tell from your post so I was wondering why you were hurt that DIL wasn't there.  Was it b/c she makes a huge effort to go to all of her parents events, but missed one of yours?  Or was it simply b/c she wasn't at your event?

No, Pam, it wasn't that she wasn't there at ours..it is that her FOO's are making our son's son miss an event of his for something they (the FOO's) are having.  I posted about that.  The GS and my son have worked all year for this "thing" he is/was going to be doing.  Now, because her family says so, he and his son have to attend the FOO event and axe the GS's event. 

But as Sassy said, "imagine being under the gun like this if you were the DIL".  (paraphrasing)

My son was heartbroken for his son but  he said that her FOO's consider themselves the Matriarchs and Patriarchs and are not to be not obeyed.  I just thought, "the same thing does not apply to us". 

[erma]

The GS and my son have worked all year for this "thing" he is/was going to be doing.  Now, because her family says so, he and his son have to attend the FOO event and axe the GS's event. 

But as Sassy said, "imagine being under the gun like this if you were the DIL".  (paraphrasing)

My son was heartbroken for his son but  he said that her FOO's consider themselves the Matriarchs and Patriarchs and are not to be not obeyed.  I just thought, "the same thing does not apply to us". 

how heartbreaking this must be for the GC involved. matriarch/patriarch or not, why isn't her foo taking GC event into account, and why isn't dil advocating for her own ds, let alone her dh! that's my question.
sorry you have to witness this BT, how heartbreaking for you!

[pam1]

Ahhh ok, I get it now.  Thanks, BT.

[pam1]

The GS and my son have worked all year for this "thing" he is/was going to be doing.  Now, because her family says so, he and his son have to attend the FOO event and axe the GS's event. 

But as Sassy said, "imagine being under the gun like this if you were the DIL".  (paraphrasing)

My son was heartbroken for his son but  he said that her FOO's consider themselves the Matriarchs and Patriarchs and are not to be not obeyed.  I just thought, "the same thing does not apply to us". 

how heartbreaking this must be for the GC involved. matriarch/patriarch or not, why isn't her foo taking GC event into account, and why isn't dil advocating for her own ds, let alone her dh! that's my question.
sorry you have to witness this BT, how heartbreaking for you!

If my experience is any indication...it's b/c the DIL is simply not strong enough.  She was never taught to have her own voice.  As alien as it sounds to us -- not being able to say no -- to others like this DIL, it's alien to be able to say no to her parents. 

[erma]

ok,  i still do not understand.    if dil has a strong enough voice to keep ds and dh from dh's foo, (following all that?  lol ) then i clearly don't understand why she cant say no to her foo. it just seems odd she would have no problem saying no to anyone BUT her parents.
did that make sense?? whew!
so ya, i still don't get it.   

[luise.volta]

Yes, I can see that her meekness is selective. Maybe her FOO is pretty overpowering and she stands up to others who don't have such a hold on her. Just guessing, of course...I have no clue really. Hard to understand crazy folk.

[Sassy]

My son was heartbroken for his son but  he said that her FOO's consider themselves the Matriarchs and Patriarchs and are not to be not obeyed.  I just thought, "the same thing does not apply to us". 

Barely there, it seems that is to your credit.  As most wise women who post here have discovered, it is not fun to be in a relationship with anyone where emotional blackmail is regularly used to control.  The threat of cut off, or withholding parental approval,  can make it seem like the person threatening has more power than they really dp.  The person being  for a long time can develop a myopic vision, reacting out of fear.   

You do not have the same relationsip with your son, he comes to you because he wants to see you. Not because of threats if he doesn't.  Because you are someone he wants to see.  Seems the same can't be said for her parents.

[barelythere]

My son was heartbroken for his son but  he said that her FOO's consider themselves the Matriarchs and Patriarchs and are not to be not obeyed.  I just thought, "the same thing does not apply to us". 

Barely there, it seems that is to your credit.  As most wise women who post here have discovered, it is not fun to be in a relationship with anyone where emotional blackmail is regularly used to control.  The threat of cut off, or withholding parental approval,  can make it seem like the person threatening has more power than they really dp.  The person being  for a long time can develop a myopic vision, reacting out of fear.   

You do not have the same relationsip with your son, he comes to you because he wants to see you. Not because of threats if he doesn't.  Because you are someone he wants to see.  Seems the same can't be said for her parents.

Thanks, Sassy for taking the time to help me.  What you said is true but also, the squeaky wheel gets the grease and these people are squeaky.  They will not relent and my son said that if he does not do what they say, there will be severe tension for years to come.  Funny thing, he said all this in front of our other son and his wife!  I was shocked. Neither one of them EVER say anything negative about their inlaws.
  My husband wanted to say something but since he is Mr. Sensible, he didn't, ME EITHER, HALLEJUIA!!!!!   It's just sad, you know?   My son is a good guy, just the kind of man people like this feed on. 

If we wanted them to attend our event and they had something for their son scheduled the word would come, "we have something scheduled at that time and you're just going to have to understand that!". 

[LaurieS]

They will not relent and my son said that if he does not do what they say, there will be severe tension for years to come.  Funny thing, he said all this in front of our other son and his wife!  I was shocked. Neither one of them EVER say anything negative about their inlaws.

BT he may have easily said this in part because he doesn't necessarily see it as a negative, simply a fact.

[barelythere]

They will not relent and my son said that if he does not do what they say, there will be severe tension for years to come.  Funny thing, he said all this in front of our other son and his wife!  I was shocked. Neither one of them EVER say anything negative about their inlaws.

BT he may have easily said this in part because he doesn't necessarily see it as a negative, simply a fact.

He sees it as very negative.

[cdb]

I never thought this same stuff would happen to me and it has. What is wrong with the youth! They don't see how they are hurting their children! I see the hurt in my granddaughter's eyes and she asks me to come back and see her etc. I just talked to my son about this tonight and he can't figure her out either. She is only hurting her daughter who is only 3. I remembered once where Dr. PHil said he would do anything to see his grandkids. so even if I was given 2 minutes, I have decided to go. And I have a special bag with special stuff in it just for the kids. I wear clothes they will notice with some of their cartoon characters on it,, hello kitty for one and smile and at least make a show to maybe be in their memory. But, that may not be how I will continue to be. For now, I am going to take what I can at any time I can. But, LIke I told my dad, I am tired of kissing her butt, thus she is off any beneficiary or will be off any will. How responsible is a person like that where you can trust them receiving your life insurance policy etc. I may add her in the future, but for now, I feel much better changing what I needed to.
I did send my daughter a get well card. I don't know if she threw it out or what. But, that is me and I sent one. She may not show the grandkids the halloween cards I sent, but at least I tried. And I will give the halloween stuff when I decide to give it. Even if it is at Xmas LOL. Oh well, I just hate how we all get so hurt and how they can change and are so unappreciative of all we did for them raising them etc. and how they have amnesia or such entitlement. My son told me he and his wife aer going to Cancun. I felt jealous, but my spouse never would plan for any trip. If and when I divorce, I am going to find a friend and go there too! cdb

[luise.volta]

Better days are ahead for you, I'm sure. Loved seeing the smile at the end of your last post! Sending love...

[jill]

my ydd called this morning and said I could go and see my gc in their halloween costumes, so I went and was there for over an hour (more than the two minutes she originally said).  I talked to her briefly about the situation with her sister (the one who has cut me out of her life) and she said she must have gone through a lot of hurt to come to that decision.  So it sounds like she is putting all the blame on me. She asked me if I thought I had two wonderful daughters. What could I say but yes. I did not ask if she thought she had wonderful mother.  I told her that I am not going to blame myself as it is my odd who has thrown me away, and I had been a good mother and done the best I could.  She seemed surprised that I would say this, maybe because I am always willing to take the blame.

I called my odd's house, hoping my sil or gd would answer the phone, as I just wanted to wish my gd a Happy Halloween, but no my odd answered the phone.  My mistake I guess but the first words I said were "I miss you", and she said she did not want to have this conversation now and hung up.  I actually felt a bit better afterwards, I did not cry and felt angry.     

[barelythere]

my ydd called this morning and said I could go and see my gc in their halloween costumes, so I went and was there for over an hour (more than the two minutes she originally said).  I talked to her briefly about the situation with her sister (the one who has cut me out of her life) and she said she must have gone through a lot of hurt to come to that decision.  So it sounds like she is putting all the blame on me. She asked me if I thought I had two wonderful daughters. What could I say but yes. I did not ask if she thought she had wonderful mother.  I told her that I am not going to blame myself as it is my odd who has thrown me away, and I had been a good mother and done the best I could.  She seemed surprised that I would say this, maybe because I am always willing to take the blame.

I called my odd's house, hoping my sil or gd would answer the phone, as I just wanted to wish my gd a Happy Halloween, but no my odd answered the phone.  My mistake I guess but the first words I said were "I miss you", and she said she did not want to have this conversation now and hung up.  I actually felt a bit better afterwards, I did not cry and felt angry.   

I'm glad you didn't cry, Jill and glad you felt angry.  I think that's the first step to healing.  I bet your DD was shocked when you defended yourself to her and didn't take blame.  One time too many you get hit on the head with a hammer and then for some reason we as people keep away from the hammer that's hitting us.  I think when you do this often enough, it will not hurt you as badly.  I think too that you will find yourself looking at them differently, no longer longing for the relationship.  It's a good thing. 

[cadagi101]

  I talked to her briefly about the situation with her sister (the one who has cut me out of her life) and she said she must have gone through a lot of hurt to come to that decision.  So it sounds like she is putting all the blame on me. [/color] [/color]

Jill, I have been following your thread and and really feel sorry about your situation.     

I just was wondering though do you  think it was a good idea to speak to one dd about the other dd?  They might also talk and the daughter you spoke to about it might twist your words when speaking to her ds.      Anyone who puts unrealistic time limits on a mothers visits IMHO shouldn't be trusted with any personal issues.    dd might throw the cat amongst the pigeons.