would really like your opinions

[jill]

I had left a message for my older dd to see if I could take over Halloween treats, of course no answer. She is seeing her sister this weekend, should I send the treats with her?  Then will that give her a reason not to call (if she was planning to). 
Then my younger dd has said I can visit for two minutes to see my gc in their costumes, so I may not want to drive that far.  It is obvious they want don't want me in their lives, unless my ydd wants me to babysit.  I am just so hurt by all of this. I don't want to jeopardize seeing my grandchildren, but I don't know how much more I can take.  I am dreading the holidays.  Do I buy Christmas presents for my kids and grandkids.    Is that any way to treat your mother, to say you can visit for two minutes?  I know they have busy lives, both working moms, but they have no time for me at all.  But they are the only family I have.  What would you ladies do?     

[Nana]

Jill
I am so sorry this is happening to you.
I wouldnt take the two minutes.  Isn't she generous?  Should we consider seeing our gc a priviledge?  When we babysit our gc is not our obligation either.

You could send the Halloween treats wih your older dd.
You daughter will regret someday treating you with such disdain. 

I wish you love!

[luise.volta]

I'm afraid I would back off. I don't want to give treats to people who aren't receptive or have timed visits. I am easily hurt and don't do well with rejection. It feels like abuse to me and that is something terrible to try to comprehend. If you take it, you may get a few crumbs. If that works for you, so be it. It would never work for me. Sending love...

[Eva]

sorry Jill for you  pain
IMHO you left message so would wait for the answer
if she call to send the treat, I would do that
but I would wait for her answer

I would keep treats for kids in my house and
I would give the treats to Gc as they will come to visit me later

re: two minutes invitation
I would politely decline as it is so hurtful invitation,
for me it is : Ok come, look and get lost after 2 minutes
as you are not welcome to stay longer..
but I would ask for e-mailing me pictures of the Gk in costumes
sending you hug...

[barelythere]

I had left a message for my older dd to see if I could take over Halloween treats, of course no answer. She is seeing her sister this weekend, should I send the treats with her?  Then will that give her a reason not to call (if she was planning to). 
Then my younger dd has said I can visit for two minutes to see my gc in their costumes, so I may not want to drive that far.  It is obvious they want don't want me in their lives, unless my ydd wants me to babysit.  I am just so hurt by all of this. I don't want to jeopardize seeing my grandchildren, but I don't know how much more I can take.  I am dreading the holidays.  Do I buy Christmas presents for my kids and grandkids.    Is that any way to treat your mother, to say you can visit for two minutes?  I know they have busy lives, both working moms, but they have no time for me at all.  But they are the only family I have.  What would you ladies do?   

Jill,
I'm with Luise and the rest, 2 minutes?  No, I'm afraid that won't do and my feelings are easily hurt too so this is not enough for you or any other Mother.   On the Christmas gifts?  I'd wait..just wait for awhile till you see what the lay of the land is.  Things could change overnight.  Be strong, they always come back when they need something.  You might, like I have, find yourself not caring like you did and that is a real blessing.  Let time pass is my suggestion.  So sorry you are having to endure this

[jill]

Thank you all for your replies.
I have come to the realization that I have been focussing on my children, and then my grandchildren for the past 40 years, because I thought that families should come first.  Of course there are many loving families where all generations love each other and adult children care about their aging parents.  But not my family.  It is not like I have demanded a lot, really just a phone call once in a while, but that is asking too much. 
I am going to try to focus on myself instead, although it is not easy.  I have had a really bad day today, I guess because its Sunday which I always used to call "Family Day".

[luise.volta]

Sending love...

[LaurieS]

Thank you all for your replies.
I have come to the realization that I have been focussing on my children, and then my grandchildren for the past 40 years, because I thought that families should come first.  Of course there are many loving families where all generations love each other and adult children care about their aging parents.  But not my family.  It is not like I have demanded a lot, really just a phone call once in a while, but that is asking too much. 
I am going to try to focus on myself instead, although it is not easy.  I have had a really bad day today, I guess because its Sunday which I always used to call "Family Day".

Jill  .. Of course families come first and you obviously did your job.. You loved and raised your children who are now loving and raising their own children.  This does not mean that your children do not love you or care about you. 

The 2 minutes that your daughter offered you may have been misunderstood, she may in fact have been saying that they were going to be running such a tight schedule on Halloween and that she and the kids would be hard pressed to fit in a visit as well. 

Maybe I view thing differently and I do not have grandchildren, but I do not intend to be a part of their every event in life.  I had my time with my kids and their grandparents were great about giving us our family time.  While some parents attended every college football game with their kids, I felt that it was important for the kids to create memories that did not involve me. 

I'm not saying that this is the case with you, but some grandparents are just so darn smothering.. so much so that their kids start to push away just for a little breathing room.  If I ever had to attend family events every Sunday I would have screamed and I like my families.  To sit and feel self sorrow while waiting for a phone call is not productive... instead pick up the phone and check in with them if you have something to say.  If you find you can't perk up and feel better about you, then I'd speak with a doctor, because you sound depressed and that is a tough cycle to overcome. 

[Pen]

Thank you all for your replies.
I have come to the realization that I have been focussing on my children, and then my grandchildren for the past 40 years, because I thought that families should come first.  Of course there are many loving families where all generations love each other and adult children care about their aging parents.  But not my family.  It is not like I have demanded a lot, really just a phone call once in a while, but that is asking too much. 
I am going to try to focus on myself instead, although it is not easy.  I have had a really bad day today, I guess because its Sunday which I always used to call "Family Day".

Those days can hit us by surprise. I'm sorry you had a bad day, Jill. Knowing what sets it off is such a big step towards healing. The past few days have been rough for me too, but I've yet to figure out why. The only thing I can come up with so far is the full moon. 

[pam1]

This is just my perspective, I have no idea what is going on in your situation Jill.  And right off the bat, I would think this about my own FOO if they did this too.

IMO, I'm tired of the fight over holidays.  Especially Xmas and Easter and the other big ones, Thanksgiving, NYE etc.  And I'm not just tired, I DREAD those holidays now.  They aren't any fun, I'm tired of the back and forth, tug of war and complaints over who got what, who went where and how it isn't fair for ____ (go ahead and insert any family members name, b/c odds are everyone takes their turn on the complaint box every year and every holiday) 

Soooo, my only thing left are the "little" holidays.  Halloween, St Patty's, Valentines....I think...no, actually I expect to have those holidays and have them the way I want.  I have no interest in making sure everyone gets their fair share among extended family.  I don't care to carefully carve out time so that everyone gets to see the kids and drag down any holiday time that we might have without drama...right back into the drama.  Enough is my motto.

[erma]

well put pam and laurie!  jill, I'm so sorry your going through this. when my ds and dil gave me the generous 5 mins of their time for my gc 1st holloween, i took it.    afterwards, i just cried, and i found myself resentful, not towards ds and dil , but towards MYSELF!!!  was i to be the neglected dog in the corner of the room, and only allowed the scraps no one else wanted?
well that's how i felt, and compromising myself is what i did. after i got over myself, lol, i took the back off approach. it took time, alot of time, years. but its slowly working.  menwhile i continue to work on myself,  and when i have those "bad days" i always remember a quote once said to me,  " please be patient with yourself, gods not finished with me yet" 
hugs

[barelythere]

well put pam and laurie!  jill, I'm so sorry your going through this. when my ds and dil gave me the generous 5 mins of their time for my gc 1st holloween, i took it.    afterwards, i just cried, and i found myself resentful, not towards ds and dil , but towards MYSELF!!!  was i to be the neglected dog in the corner of the room, and only allowed the scraps no one else wanted?
well that's how i felt, and compromising myself is what i did. after i got over myself, lol, i took the back off approach. it took time, alot of time, years. but its slowly working.  menwhile i continue to work on myself,  and when i have those "bad days" i always remember a quote once said to me,  " please be patient with yourself, gods not finished with me yet" 
hugs

______________________________________________________________________________
I know how it feels, Erma.  It is like a punished puppy in the corner at times.

I posted this and no one commented but I want to post it again.  I am not as hurt today but it is very hurtful to us.

KeysGirl,
I know I do, thank you for the reminder....   I got my feelings hurt this weekend.  We were all together for an event but missing one DIL who decided not to come.

Our son who is her husband said that her parents were the Matriarchs and Patriarchs (according to them) and that when they said to be at an event, they had to be there in spite of anything else going on in their lives.  If we ever said that, we would be called intollerent, not obeying boundaries, etc.  We kept our big fat mouths shut again. 

We are not the same as the DILs parents and wouldn't want to be.   It is starting to be a problem for one son but he just goes along anyway.  What a raw deal we have in my opinion when we are the mothers and fathers of sons. We love them just as much as M&D's of daughters love them.
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[Sassy]

Our son who is her husband said that her parents were the Matriarchs and Patriarchs (according to them) and that when they said to be at an event, they had to be there in spite of anything else going on in their lives.  If we ever said that, we would be called intollerent, not obeying boundaries, etc.  We kept our big fat mouths shut again.  

Keep in mind it is your son who said this to you.   You can't know for certain what, how or the context if/when her parents said whatever to DIL, or to DS, or what DIL said to DS.   All you know for sure is was what your son said to you.

That being said, if you believe your son to be honest, then take what he said to you to be true.  He views his wife's parents as her matriarch/patriarch.  He believes his wife will suffer if she disobeys her matriarch/patriarch.  Thusly, he does not encourage his wife to disobey them and suffer.  Even if her obeying them does cause you some suffering (which he may hope is assuaged by him attending, even alone). 

I'd advise not to feel too snubbed by DIL missing an event (which happens to be yours) to go to an event she would apparently suffer for it if she did not.  If your son is telling you the truth (and I have no reason to believe he isn't) then the main emotion DIL is worth, appears to be your your be quiet pity.   Imagine the constant inner loathing of trying to avoid suffering from parents who treated adult children like DIL's treats her.

[barelythere]

Our son who is her husband said that her parents were the Matriarchs and Patriarchs (according to them) and that when they said to be at an event, they had to be there in spite of anything else going on in their lives.  If we ever said that, we would be called intollerent, not obeying boundaries, etc.  We kept our big fat mouths shut again.  

Keep in mind it is your son who said this to you.   You can't know for certain what, how or the context if/when her parents said whatever to DIL, or to DS, or what DIL said to DS.   All you know for sure is was what your son said to you.

That being said, if you believe your son to be honest, then take what he said to you to be true.  He views his wife's parents as her matriarch/patriarch.  He believes his wife will suffer if she disobeys her matriarch/patriarch.  Thusly, he does not encourage his wife to disobey them and suffer.  Even if her obeying them does cause you some suffering (which he may hope is assuaged by him attending, even alone). 

I'd advise not to feel too snubbed by DIL missing an event (which happens to be yours) to go to an event she would apparently suffer for it if she did not.  If your son is telling you the truth (and I have no reason to believe he isn't) then the main emotion DIL is worth, appears to be your your be quiet pity.   Imagine the constant inner loathing of trying to avoid suffering from parents who treated adult children like DIL's treats her.

Thank you, Sassy.  I appreciate every word you said and will look at this in a different way now because of you.

[pam1]

barelythere, I couldn't tell from your post so I was wondering why you were hurt that DIL wasn't there.  Was it b/c she makes a huge effort to go to all of her parents events, but missed one of yours?  Or was it simply b/c she wasn't at your event?