Boderline Personality DisorderH

[Hope]

Hi everybody!
I can really relate to this thread.  I found wwu when I was looking for information on how to be a better mil b/c I felt like such a failure since no matter what I did it seemed to be wrong when it came to ds/dil.  You have all been so supportive and comforting to me.  It gives me a sense of peace and reassurance to know that others are going through the same thing - good people who I have come to know as friends.  At the time I discovered this forum, my dil was expecting our first gc and I knew things would be getting more complicated and tougher with a baby added to the mix - and boy, was I correct!  We usually only see our dil/ds/gs on major holidays or when there are big gatherings.  Not so for our dil's parents, who btw, are alcoholics by dil's own admission, poor financial managers and distant to each other, but idolized by dil. Our ds has to help them out quite a bit around their house b/c his fil isn't handy.  I began reading the book a dil on this forum recommended, "Toxic In-Laws", by Susan Forward and our ds's in-laws fit the bill to a "T".  But my dh and I are being treated by them as though we are poison.  You know what really burns me up?  All the bad rap that mil's get!  That book isn't about just any toxic in-laws - it is written about toxic mil's and fil's.  It does mention that it could also apply to toxic bil's and s(is)il's.  No mention of dil's.  Why does everyone assume that it has to be the mil's fault?  Don't they realize that almost every mil was also a dil?  I guess they weren't at fault when they were the dil - no - they magically changed to evil when they became a mil.  I'm still finding the book helpful - by changing the words in my mind, replacing mil/fil with my dil's/ds's names.  I just got the book, so I haven't read a lot yet, but I'm hopeful that it will shed new light on the situation and help me to know how to react to the treatment we receive.  I borrowed the book from the library and someone before me underlined and bracketed some of the sentences that apparently applied to them.  I must say, I do feel bad for any dil that has suffered what the previous reader did.  It absolutely broke my heart to think that some poor dil was being treated so badly.  What upsets me, though, is that society has not fully recognized that it is a problem that mil's as well as dil's experience.  Thanks for letting me unload.  Whew!  I needed that.
Hugs, Hope

[luise.volta]

Atta girl, Hope!

[Pen]

Yes Hope, I agree that MILs still get maligned. Until it happened to me I had never heard of a DIL who was hateful, just MILs. This site was like a miracle to me!

[penelope]

my DIL seems to have the same disorder~my hubby and I want more than anything in the world to be grandparents~we now have 3 granddogs who are spoiled rotten~we joined a gym to work out to relieve the stress...when you figure out how to handle this by ALL means pass it along,we want more than anything to have our family unit back together having fun...with out all the egg shells on the floor~Have a great day~

[Hope]

Penelope,
I hope you find your answers.  I know what you mean about egg shells.  We've been walking on them since our ds married our dil.  Since we have no control over how they perceive things or over what they do, we are just trying to accept things as they are.  Very tough b/c it's not at all what we imagined our family life to be like.  I talk to anyone who will listen and this problem is so common - it's more the norm than not.  I have to say that most people I talk to are going through some type of exclusion with their ds/dil/gc.  Hang in there!
Hugs, Hope

[ladyfirstdilsecond]

Okay, so people are probably going to try to burn me at the stake for this.  I'm a DIL whose MIL has BPD.  It is terrible to live with.  I agree, she does paint people black and lie like a weasel to get people to believe her.  She mostly makes me look like the evil person when it is she who forges her adult son's signature and steals from him, continues to lie to and about him, and refuses to understand that it is HE who has told her to not have contact until she stays in mental health treatment and stops lying.  I didn't do any of that--but yet I get blamed for it all and her siblings and DH's cousins believe that I have caused all sorts of problems when I haven't spoken with her in nearly a year.  It's hard to live with. 

I do have a question, though.  Is your son's GF actually diagnosed with BPD by a mental health professional or is it just the "consensus" that she has it?  If she's been diagnosed, then the counselor should be helping her and you should be seeing some progress (and relapses).  If, like much of the issues between DILs and MILs, she had not been diagnosed and lots of folks that you know just agree with you that she probably has it based on a book or two and some "observed" reactions, I would think twice about calling her that.  Often, children do not value what their mothers say if they think their mother is out to get their wife/GF/husband/BF.  It won't help your relationship with your son if he knows his mother is calling names about the woman he loves behind his back.  Just a thought...

I'm new here, and I'm here to get some insight into my own MIL.  My DH, longtime friends of hers, and her old pastor all think she might have a major mental health condition (because of her erratic actions for nearly two decades).  I'm here to get some insights into WHY she does what she does.  She has been diagnosed with a multitude of "issues" by her psychiatrist, but since she has a diagnosed personality disorder, she is able to convince many people that I caused all of her problems--even the ones she had with her son (much to her and her mother's denial) long before I ever met him.  It is awful--but remember that people with BPD don't just paint MILs black--MILs with BPD also paint DILs just as black for exactly the same number of reasons--none. 

[luise.volta]

No burnings at the stake here. What we have learned in over a year and a half is that maladjusted people populate all ages and all walks of life and that there are no "whys." We get stuck in looking for whys, justice, logic and resolution where they don't exist. Peace comes to us when we let go of all of it and opt for healing what we can, which is ourselves. We learn ways to deal with or circumvent the people in our lives bent on various forms of persecution and we move on. Nothing changes...yet everything does. Sending love...

[Pen]

That's what I love about this site, DILs and MILs looking for support and understanding when dealing with rugged situations. I am pleased to find sensitive, understanding DILs here. DILs have said they were glad to know not all MILs were like theirs. The suggestions about how to deal with one can often be used to deal with the other.

[Pen]

Oh, and Ladyfirst, you're not thinking we're all BPD when you say you're looking for understanding into your MILs behavior are you??

[ladyfirstdilsecond]

Oh, and Ladyfirst, you're not thinking we're all BPD when you say you're looking for understanding into your MILs behavior are you??

HA!  Nope.  I figured that any site with this many MILs ought to be able to help me out a bit with everything ELSE with my MIL.  The BPD--well...that's another issue altogether. 

[penelope]

okay ladies~need advice..recently I sent the message to dil,she responded and it was nice,I took alot of the blame to make peace I guess you could say..my question is I have contacted her several times in the last 3 weeks,the mail is still here,she is getting ready to move soon to his base,I have everything of his here,I mean everything,the only thing she came and got was the xbox 360 a few months ago,shes on FB saying how shes packing and such,never a mention as to his things,so I went ahead and washed 7 loads this morning,all folded and packed,I assume after months in the sand he'll want clean freash clothes,she's very moody and I don't wanna over step boundries by calling and saying...hey,you gonna get his things? as I said moody. My hubby and I are also going down when he arrives,do I just take the stuff with me? I'm talking 3 lg bags of cammies on top of all his clothes. When he came home after Iraq I was standing by him,he asked her to help him with his things to his old room,she said no and continued to txt,I asked why is there a pile of dirty clothes? he said I don't know,she didn't wash my clothes while I was gone. She stated she hates being told what to do,I don't wanna make waves...moms,mil and dil advice please:) I know this sounds so menial but it's like dealing with a teenager,I don't wanna have bad vibes while seeing him come home~

[Hope]

Hi penelope!
You sound like such a caring, loving mom!  What a lucky guy your ds is.  Except I'm worried that his dw isn't taking her role in the marriage to heart.  I wouldn't want your ds to suffer b/c of her lack of concern, so I think if it was me, I'd go ahead and pack up whatever belongings will fit in your car when you visit him as long as you won't feel resentment if you end up taking a good part of it back with you.  That way, he can take what he can use right now if he wants.  Or else, would it be a problem for you to text him and ask if he wants you to bring any of his stuff with you?
Hope this helps.
Hugs, Hope

[Pen]

Take the clothes, give them to DIL so she can hand them to DS if she so chooses. If she gives you credit for helping, great. If not, maybe she'll feel grateful to you for bailing her out and it will help your relationship. Who knows?

I know it's difficult when you care about your DS's comfort after all he's been through. He should be greeted like a hero rather than as a chore. You love him and want the best for him. However, from here on you might want to back off and let DS see what's going on. Don't continue to enable DIL's rebellious teenage behavior.

[holliberri]

Since the clothes are at your house, and you likely would benefit from getting them out of there, I'd take them with me without contacting her.

It might take her awhile to figure it out, but I think if you just nicely tell him you have his things packed in the car, she'll figure out that this is a role she should be stepping into. When spouses are deployed, the one at home HAS to think of everything! I realize she may need a little time to step into it, but the one at home really becomes two people. It's double the work...deployments aren't easy for them either. Then, when children come, the person at home becomes like 6 people.

Are they living on their own yet? If not, once they are it might accelerate her progress. It also might take moving away for her to realize that you're not going to pick up where she left off.

[penelope]

@ Hope~I can't txt him as he's in Afghan~Holliberri,she lives at home with her parents:) I thought it odd all of his things are here but we didn't say anything....I guess I'll take it with me,he has all his cammies for here I'm sure he'll need,as you know they have diff colors for the dessert...you would think living with her folks her mom would say where's his stuff? they know these guys haven't even got a place yet. I don't know if she realizes the role of wife yet? but I know my role and I did his laundry for 18 yrs,after marriage I thought this was handed over:b lol I don't mind helping him out,I just hope she doesn't cop attitude:) same with the bills/mail,I've told her it's here,she messed up so bad last time one would think lesson learned....Thanks for the advice ladies,I swear there needs to be a manual on all this stuff~I know it's hard for the spouses left behind,he has made sure the cars are paid off,the credit cards are paid off,they have no rent payment,her only thing to do is pay car insurance and phone bill~I give credit to the ones who are left to deal with it all and care for little ones~