Boderline Personality DisorderH

[luise.volta]

It doesn't sound harsh...it sounds realistic. Sending love...

[holliberri]

I think we have to be careful saying that someone has a mental disorder or trying to diagnose them with a specific one.  I have spent a lot of time trying to peg my MIL as something (and believe me, I could argue a few, and that is particularly dependent on how it needs to serve my needs at the time).  It felt really really good to go onto websites and fit her into this little compartment; it validated my feelings about her.  It hasn't been productive, and has only served to justify my natural instinct to withdraw from her. 

A lot of things that we think are signs of a disorder have actually been "learned" in an environment people grew up in, and with work and patience, can be "unlearned." We also need to consider our own bias when we make a judgment call about someone else's disorder.   

I know there are women on here who have family members that have legitimately been diagnosed with having one disorder or another; there are also women on here who are themselves living with a disorder.  They have a tough struggle and seem to be doing tremendously well given the fact, so to google some things and diagnose our DILs, MILs, or someone else in our lives seems a little unfair to me (I'm just as guilty).

[Pooh]

A lot of things that we think are signs of a disorder have actually been "learned" in an environment people grew up in, and with work and patience, can be "unlearned."

Only if the person wants to unlearn.

[holliberri]

Pooh,

I know that, and I try to be as positive as possible here, a lot of people I know are working very hard to change their habits. My point was that it does not necessarily indicate a personality disorder.  I think we also have to understand that unlearning is a process for the most part...it happens little by little. Only the very lucky, I think, are able to do a 180 change immediately.

[Pooh]

I got what you were saying holliberri, I just wanted to emphasize that a person has to want to change.  I think many of us here are dealing with people that have no intention or inclination to change, because they don't see anything wrong with themselves.

I totally agree that to label someone with a personality disorder should be left to a professional.  When I started having my medical issues, I was researching like crazy.  I gave myself at least 20 different diseases.

[neecee]

Sounds like this woman gets around a lot!!!  She shows up in so many households...is it the water bottles??  You are doing the right thing and your son is so lucky that his mom is a logical thinking person.
when I went through this similar experience, the pain nearly took my breath away.  I grieved so long.  Now, here at the holidays, I have dreams of holding their children and I am filled with such wonder. The sense of comfort is quite remarkable. 

I don't feel too sad when I think of them.  I actually feel remarkably bonded...kinda nuts.

The boundaries are important.  Watching our kids is important too.  We never stop loving the idea of our children, but sometimes, the reality is so different. So, right yourself and sally forth.  Bless you this special holiday time and your personal "season".

[mareluvsbrig]

omg that is the personality disorder I was referring to regarding my DIL.  THAT'S IT.  I have the same problem and I am now understanding what you are going through or have been through.  Thanks for that.  I am just learning to sit back and wait for him to bring my grandbabies to me.  I do not want to cause any problems for my son in his marriage.  So I have been counceled by these wonderful ladies and I will be smiling this Christmas instead of crying.

Hang in there honey.  I know exactly what you are going throught.  Love and Peace to all

[SunnyDays09]

Hi i am a newbie and have been a member of another support group for people with relatives suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD as i will refer to it in future. My son is cohabiting with a woman suffering from this disorder and his life is hell. Also people with this disorder often paint there mother in laws black for no reason other than their jealousy of the son and mother relationship and to keep the grandchildren away from you. In the beginning it nearly destroyed me but i am learning to live with it. I have decided to stay away and not get involved with them at all, except on their terms and this seems to be working. It is however very sad as it is my only grandchild. Although i am lucky that my sons brings her to see me at least once a week. He has changed beyond recognition. I had to do a lot of studying of this mental illness to discover how to support my son without seeming interfering or giving his partner reason to complain about me. He has made it clear by his actions that he has appreciated this. Has anyone else had a similar experience. Regards homely60

Welcome homely60.  You are among friends here.  I am sorry that you and your son are struggling with her but it is good that you are familiarizing yourself with the disorder and that will help you to help him with her.  I wish you well.

Homely60...Your life sounds like mine except DIL and DS have taken our GD away. She is now 8 months old and we haven't seen her for 3 months. There was no reason. DIL even had the audacity to tell us that " you should never ask to babysit b/c I feel that neither you or FIL are  prepared". She actually put that in a letter and mailed it to us. At one point she hates HER mom and family, then after the baby was born, we got to be a part of GD life for 5 months, then DIL decided she  hates us and DS is not allowed to see us. DS is miserable, has no control over anything and she makes his life a living hell. He does what she says, just to keep the peace in his life. Its a mess. We have finally stopped trying to figure things out and have decided to just let it all go.  It sounds harsh, but we need to keep ourselves healthy and happy too. One day GD will grow up, and if she chooses, she will know us.

I wish I knew why things happen the way they do.  Is there any way lines of communication can remain open with your son, at least?  Why is she allowed to cut his parents off for no reason?  Not fair. 

Personally, in MY case, my dil had more money.  Not alot.  But enough.  And I know if his family had more than hers, I would be the selected gramma and her mom would be on the outs.  It can be something as trivial as that, too.  Also, I feel her mother pulls all the strings in that relationship.  She is the ONLY one to make demands.  In fact, it was HER MOTHER that was mentioned in the wedding toast made by the matron of honor at the dinner reception.  (the matron of honor was also the bride's sister).  There is alot of dysfunction in her family.  I hope the best for them and their little family.  I want no part of them ever. 

I hope the best for you, as well. 

[makettle]

Hmmm - I never thought about BPD as a possible cause of my DIL's disdain toward us from the first minute she  saw us - probably even before she ever met us! We knew very little about her  - it was as if  our son was under oath not to discuss her with us at all. She is very smart, clever, pretty, and manipulative. Our son fell hard for her. He is a loyal, can-do kind of guy who likes a challenge. Well, she is definitely a challenge. Our hearts are broken by her coldness and her forcing our son to push us aside. Our son seems sad and much-diminished from his former self. He gave up most of his old friendships  - especially any that  involved  females or guys now married to cute females. She became totally possessive. Her own family seems to be aware,  maybe even embarrassed, but they treat her with kid gloves. Now I wonder if they knew all along that their daughter was not quite "right". They belong to an ethnic group that does not admit mental disorders.     

We live several states away, have never interfered in their relationship or said anything to him against her. They lived together for a few years before marriage, and back then she was polite but distant and made her self scarce during our very infrequent visits. We almost never initiated contact with them, sensing the tension it caused for our son. He  was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder after suffering for several months with various physical symptoms during their engagement period. We did not even consider that she might be the cause but now think that must have been the case.  We paid for half the wedding and let them make all the decisions about it. Then she seemed to really snap.

We love our son and  grandchild, don't hate her at all, and hope things get eventually better but we currently don't have any idea how to improve the situation. She will not discuss any issues with us. That is one of her control games I suspect. She holds the cards, knows she is wrongly cheating us, but won't end the game.

[Nana]

Makettle

I am so sorry for what your are experiencing now with dil.  It is truly sad how you have witness your son's transformation.  I dont know what to say.  You cannot do anything but be there for your son.  Do not pressure him because that would make him more anxious.   I dont know if she has a mental disorder but she is very possessive, selfish and cold-hearted.  I do believe you did not do anything wrong because many of us here have experienced the same problems you are now facing, absolutely with no fault.  The reasons are many, that is, insecurity, afraid of you interfering too much, jealousy, possessiveness, you name it.   

I would only advice you to try to live your life without them.  We mothers also have a life to live.  It is very painful but we have to move forward....and let go.  Easy to say I know, but what else can we do.  Things sometimes change dramatically (they did for me) but not always.   I will keep you in my prayers.

You are a good person, with a big heart.  Dont try to understand.....Luise would say that there is no logic.    Do your best.... take care.

Love

[Faithlooksup]

Dear H,  And welcome.....I do believe everything has been said here which is good.   Is your DIL on any medications for this/under a doctors care/supervision?  For this is always very important...
You are very lucky you are able to see your son and Grandchild~~just keep the doors open and keep on doing what you are doing.....Which is staying out of it~~BRAVO!!!!!
Who knows, maybe someday your son just might wake up some day and say enough is enough.
My X is bipolar so I am somewhat aware of personality disorders/yet they are all different...
Just hang in there and we are always here...
Peace and Hugs, Faith

[SLRGreen]

I thought it was paranoid personality disorder from my searches on the internet.  The symptoms of paranoid personality disorder met our dil's issues to a tee...making mountains out of molehills; unable to forgive small slights, carrying a grudge, no matter how often the offender apologized for it or made it known they would not repeat the offense.  Our problems started in about 1998 and by 2003, our son was convinced I was the most evil woman on the face of the earth.  This caused problems in our close knit extended family as they are torn by loyalties when our son dropped out of our family altogether.  Now he is upset because he wasn't invited to family weddings that have happened since then. I feel so bad that he is so confused and set in his mind that we have turned from him, when he has turned from us. When this started, I made a point of going to his house and saying, "Let's fix this. Please!"  Shortly after we met with a mediator and at the end of the meeting, the mediator pointed to me and said, "this woman has shown she will do anything to make this right with you.  What would you like her to do?"  My DIL said, "nothing". And they left.  The next day she sent me an email that said she didn't want any more communication with me ever again.  I said okay.

I felt this tore my world apart and destroyed my family.  It was devastating. I have thought of it everyday for the past 7 years, and I still don't know what I could have done differently.  I tried very hard.

To rebuild my family, I have done the following:  Taken joy in my remaining sons and my 3 other WONDERFUL DIL's.  They are like my own.  I have beautiful grandchildren who love me so.  I have a supportive husband and a great career. We received over 70 Christmas cards this year from friends & family who love us, too. There are so many good things in life that I just can't help but relish them.  And, yes, if you could tell by above, I take great comfort in not only loving others, but knowing there are lots of people out there who also love me.
My son has made noises that he wants once again to come back to the family.  But, every time he contacts us, he is angry and accuses us of everything under the sun...from getting into his bank accounts and spreading around his financial woes to turning the family against him with lies I have told.  On both counts, we find that very unproductive to work anything out as he is convinced we are doing these things.  We try to get him to track down the accuracy of these statements, but he just seems to continue to rail against us. I cannot deal with this type of communication and we don't want to be sucked into the mire of trying to defend ourselves against these outlandish accusations.  I would love to have him back as things once were years ago and we had so much fun as he had a great sense of humor and was a very nice person once upon a time.  But, even if they came back, I do not believe things would ever be like they once were.  I don't know how a new relationship would be, but considering the last 7 years, I am not interested in a negative one.  So, I will continue on.. We lost another son in 2005.  He was 27 at the time he died.  And, after losing two sons, you learn that some things in life are what they are and you just get used to it.

[Faithlooksup]

Dear Friend,  Hello, I do feel you pain for we have all gone thru similar happenings.  I can only offer advise and that is to let your DIL go.  Do not try doing anything for her again--it will unfortunately never be a "win-win" situation until she raises the white flag.  Let it go for your own sake and well being.  As far as DS is concerned--when he wants to call great just let him know you love him, the door is always open and forget the rest.  Unfortunately when you are with someone with a personality disorder--you do take on a lot an sometimes more than you can handle.  I really think when DS calls and is angry I dont think it is at you, or your fault--he simply needs to vent and unfortunately you maybe it...Remain calm thru his calls etc...he will then reach out to you at some time, but he has to discover for himself if he wants to stay in his marriage or not.

Just keep the lines of communication open with him--let him call--dont call anymore, and do not bother DIL at all.
Just begin to let go, take care of you, your DH and family.....
Peace and Joy...Faith

[katie84]

wow!!!!! i almost fell off my chair thinking i wrote all that was said. In a nutshell, this is my life with DS and DIL.  Its sad when we have to go through all this saddness but wonderful when we can put our feelings aside, look at the whole situation the ds IS IN, BE THERE FOR HIM AND DISCONNECT FROM THE DRAMA THE dil THROWS OUR WAY. It has not been easy and am so thankful I have found this group to vent. I never really knew how many of us go through this, and as I mentioned on other sites, was rather emabrrassed to think I was the only one in the world who suffered. I no longer ave to suffer with my feelings of being rejected by the controlling DIL because God sent me, I truly believe, to this site to bring peace of mind to me.
My son came home from war and met up with a girl he said he knew forever. I never once ever heard him mention her, but then again I didn't know all my sons friends. He introduced me to her and the next day he asked what I thought. I told him I thought she was a lovely young lady, 5 years younger that he, and I also mentione to be careful because by the the she said on our first meeting, i got the impression she wanted to have a baby. 2 weeks later I went on vacation and was texted with "we are pregnant". OMG! but i said nothing except, I am so happy for you if you are happy. I went to dr visits with future DIL, took her shopping, out to eat, got close, or as close as she would allow and I thought things were good. She mentioned how she was so happy to have me in her life because she did not have a good relationship with her own mom. Then the baby came. They live with her mother and father, and I wa told I was not welcomedat the house they live because her own mother did not like me. ? she did not even know me, but ok. I stood on the sideline and waited for a chance to see my 1st gs when her parents were out. I was there whenever they needed me. Then they wanted to get married and her own mother said she wold not pay for it. The kids turned to me and I said I would do what I could. I threw them a beautiful wedding in my backyard but was told no one from my side of the family could attent because they only wanted it small. However, her parents, sisters and brothers, friends of parents and friends of bride we  re allowed. I come from a big family and I am sure you can imagine how sad that was and how upset my own famly was. The DIL rules. Son abides I also told them I could do it anyday except that certain Saturday. The wedding was on that certain Saturday. I dealt with it and told DIL i would have to leave at a certain time because I had an graduation party as I had told her previously. All went well. Then they stopped talking to me. Prior to the wedding, I threw a baby christianing also for them because again her own mother said she didnt want to. We have sat down and tried to come to reasons as to why DIL thinks I don't like her. I never gave her any reason (although today I would like to punch her in the nose) lol and thats when I did research on the disease. OMG! Its going to be hard to stand silent, but if this is what I have to do then this is what i will do. My GS is 9 months and I probably have seen him 7 times. (They live 5 blocks away) I take what I can get. I just wish she, DIL wouuld stop attacking and twisting every word I say. She is very protective of her husband, my DS, and I mentioned to my son that when he vents to her it only fuels her up about me. Its been a month since I saw my GS and I find I don't cry now, I just silently wait for the day my son uses the balls God gave him and he says "i am taking my son to see my mom".  He has a relationship with his dad cause she allows that. Its me she won't allow him to see. I just learned she is pregnant again and well, all I can say is I am happy about that for my DS, but will do it differently this time. I am not her mother, nor her friend as I have been told, just a granma. I will not push myself on her and will wait for the day she allows me to see my GC. Until then, I must get on with my own life. I pray everyday God send ssome peace their way.
BTW, I love talking to all you women, I am amazed by us all          

[Pen]

I understand the concept of "I take what I can get." However, at some point you've got to adjust your expenditures on their behalf to the amount of time you get to see DS & GS. I hope you aren't being used...you deserve better treatment than that.