Lost my son...

[erma]

from: Pen on Today at 08:30:23 AM
DIL need to justify + comprehensible complaints = ILs can choose to fix/not fix = good/poor relationship
DIL need to justify + incomprehensible complaints = ILs can't fix = poor relationship
DIL no need to justify = ILs can't fix = cut off/poor relationship which can lead to:
    DS feels DIL unfair + wants to keep the peace = DS feeling ashamed = awkward/poor relationship
DS feels DIL unfair, wants to keep the peace = cut off/poor relationship= feeling ashamed + doesn't like feeling ashamed = total cut off
DS totally agrees with DIL from the get go, justified or not = total cut off

Great Analagy Pen...
I guess it's hard to tell which one I fall into because my DS isn't even speaking to me. It was soooo weird. She seems so sweet and calm and quiet...then he became angry, then happy when she wasn't around, then mean with her being around and then angry at me (like I was the scape goat) then her daggers came out and then he did the attacking and then boom! Like a bomb...destroyed everything.




love the analogy pen, thanks! and MU, i go through this too with DIL. glad im not alone.  so i guess im to realize from this is, we will either be "cut off" forever, or have a poor relationship at best with ds and dil.   heartbreaking.

[elsieshaye]

Pen, I think your "formulas" are spot-on in a lot of situations, which underscores the idea that relationships are not 100% about what you do or what I do, but also about what's going on with the other person, and what they think they need to do.  Stuff, in other words, that we have no control over whatsoever.  It's very hard to know where our control ends sometimes, and when to let go of trying to change or influence the situation.  Lots to think about.

[Miss Understood]

Luise said something very wise yesterday (go figure )
it's a very powerful moment when we realize where our thoughts can take us because it also dawns on us that other thoughts can take us other places. Our focus is our reality. You are doing extremely well and you are never going to say "Oh, well...easy come...easy go." Never...

In my household...everyone is seeing me hurt so much that they all have distanced themselves from my DS and decided that they don't want him in their lives. That doesn't work for me though and now it hurts even the more that his little selfishness and game playing has hurt so deeply other's that I love and that love me. I had the urge to call him today...but caught myself.

[jill]

I so relate to what everyone is saying here.  I feel ashamed because I did not raise my dd to just toss away her family when she felt like it.  She is not setting a very good example for her own daughter.  I also wonder what kind of relationship is possible if we ever do make contact, I will always have to walk on eggshells around her, but I would be willing to do it just to see or hear from her.  I don't know if I could every really trust her again anyway.  I am fed up taking the blame for everything, I was a good mother, and did the best I could, which is all anyone can do. 

Love to everyone

[1Glitterati]

you see our youngest  want to help and
night before loosed all nuts on the 4 wheals
even his brother told him not to do that
in the morning his brother auto mechanic came
one hour before him and
took a car with all loosed nuts for a spin around the block....

Why would your youngest son do something to someone elses car that he was told not to do?  Am I understanding incorrectly?  I'd be upset too if someone loosened all the lug nuts on my wheels.

[Eva]

1 Glitteratti
Why would your youngest son do something to someone elses car that he was told not to do?  Am I understanding incorrectly?  I'd be upset too if someone loosened all the lug nuts on my wheels.
-------------------------------

"Am I understanding incorrectly?"
yes you do
there are 3 brothers in this story
youngest son did that to his own car...want to help with his car...
youngest son put his brother auto mechanic in danger
1-youngest son
2-auto mechanic son
3 -DS (angry son) only heard about this

DIL and DS twisted or reversed the story and
put all the blame on auto mechanic brother
who drove the car with loosened  nuts on the wheals
the one who was in danger
because of his younger brother stupidity

DIL and DS told me that auto mechanic brother did bad job on the brakes of his younger brother car, almost killing his younger brother

NOT TRUE
it was twisted

and that is the reason
why DIL started to fixing DS car and his brakes
because DIL always wanted to be auto mechanic ( in HS 1 course)
and DS want nothing to do with his auto mechanic brother
who licensed and was fixing DS car for over 7 years

[1Glitterati]

Eva...Thanks...I wasn't following the train well.

[Miss Understood]

Don't Feel Bad Glit....I was completely lost myself....I think I still am. Oh, well!
Have a great weekend ladies! Smile, Believe In and Nurture Yourself

[jomama]

I so relate to what everyone is saying here.  I feel ashamed because I did not raise my dd to just toss away her family when she felt like it.  She is not setting a very good example for her own daughter.  I also wonder what kind of relationship is possible if we ever do make contact, I will always have to walk on eggshells around her, but I would be willing to do it just to see or hear from her.  I don't know if I could every really trust her again anyway.  I am fed up taking the blame for everything, I was a good mother, and did the best I could, which is all anyone can do. 

Love to everyone

Me too Jill. I worry so much about the gc. It took so long for them to trust her again and now she's using them again. I'm not past the anger/frustration stage yet, obviously. For now, it's what keeps me from falling apart- I keep it to myself, writing her letters that I later burn.   I'm trying to keep my mind busy (with 2 dozen horses, 7 dogs, 6 other people and a business to run you'd think that'd be easy ). But it's not, not yet.
I resent that my family is afraid to even mention the Littles names because they don't know how I'll react; I can't say them without forcing back tears. But she isn't hurting at all-she's quite happy with the pain she's causing, she laughs about it with her SIL.  For now, I need my indignation. Bear with me, ladies, I will get past it.

[luise.volta]

The only way past most tough stuff is to wade through it. You can't leave behind what you haven't faced. Of course you're indignant! Sending love...

[Pen]

DIL need to justify + comprehensible complaints = ILs can choose to fix/not fix = good/poor relationship
DIL need to justify + incomprehensible complaints = ILs can't fix = poor relationship
DIL no need to justify = ILs can't fix = cut off/poor relationship which can lead to:
    DS feels DIL unfair + wants to keep the peace = DS feeling ashamed = awkward/poor relationship
DS feels DIL unfair, wants to keep the peace = cut off/poor relationship= feeling ashamed + doesn't like feeling ashamed = total cut off
DS totally agrees with DIL from the get go, justified or not = total cut off

Great Analagy Pen...
I guess it's hard to tell which one I fall into because my DS isn't even speaking to me. It was soooo weird. She seems so sweet and calm and quiet...then he became angry, then happy when she wasn't around, then mean with her being around and then angry at me (like I was the scape goat) then her daggers came out and then he did the attacking and then boom! Like a bomb...destroyed everything.

Thanks Can you tell that I've had to attend some work seminars lately, LOL? Hey, feel free to add/adjust as you see fit. I know there're a million different formulas and outcomes, including the DIL POV which I haven't tackled yet. I was just playing with this off the top of my head this a.m.