Lost my son...

[Miss Understood]

Luise...I am definately healing! I am feeling stronger each day and have gotten on with my life (for the most part) I still have my moments of ache and I really miss my DS, GD and even DIL. The family unit is weird. We got together for dinner and they weren't here. Everyone seemed a bit sad. I am really dreading the holidays. I am afraid I am not going to be able to feel good about any of it. My DS was always a big part of everything. Thanksgiving was his holiday because he loved me cooking and could not wait to eat! He planned for 30 days prior, our menu.
Sometimes I put myself right back in the heartache. I was feeling pretty good....Not that I am not, just that thinking of him makes me sad.
I miss him.

[luise.volta]

MU, it's a very powerful moment when we realize where our thoughts can take us because it also dawns on us that other thoughts can take us other places. Our focus is our reality. You are doing extremely well and you are never going to say "Oh, well...easy come...easy go." Never...

Sending love...

[Miss Understood]

You are right on that one. Though my DH differs with that. Why are men so easy to just say "C-ya"
I know somewhere in my DS's thick skull, he knows and remembers his mother in a good way. I need to sit and be patient and not take it personally all the time. I am working on that. It just hurts, like a knife in the heart. Regardless of what lies and craziness they keep telling themselves that keep them away from our family...it still boils down to the truth. As long as I hold that truth and stand on it...I seem o.k.
It's when I am alone and think, "What could I do?" is when I fall apart. I did, I reached out, I said I love you, blah, blah...I ate crow and I threw up for 3 1/2 of the 4 1/2 months. I don't want to go back there. This time...my crying is shorter, softer and not so "end of the world" it's just genuine saddness for my DS. I really miss him...the boy I remember...not the nasty grown man he has become. I don't miss the negativity and the way he treated me. I miss my little boy.
Thanks for all you do here Luise. I appreciate it. I feel better now.

[luise.volta]

Sit down at your piano, MU, and dedicate what you play to us. 

[Miss Understood]

O.K.....
MOM!

[luise.volta]

 

[jill]

Dear Miss Understood,
I loved your post that you are healing and getting stronger.  It gives me some hope that it will happen to me.  It is 2 months now since my dd said she did not want to speak to me.  I have some bad days when I cry a lot, but keeping busy is the key.  I called last weekend to see if I could take over some Halloween treats for my gd.  She was not home, I spoke briefly to my SIL who seemed fine, and to my gd for a few moments, she did not seem happy to hear from me, so I don't know what her mother has been telling her.  I had to say goodbye because I started to get upset.  I have not heard anything back.  I pray every day that she will call and want to see me.

It really helps to be able to vent like this.  Thank you.

[Miss Understood]

Jill...you are in a good place because you are not totally shut out. Be gentle and patient. You still talk with your sil and gd...that's a good thing. Give your daughter space. If she see's you happy, not ready to attack her and sparingly calling and bugging her...I have a good feeling she will get over whatever it is. Girls miss their mothers. I have a horrible back and forth relationship with my mother but always desire to make it good even if it is totally impossible (that is a story in itself) I can tell you...it hurts me when my mom and I are not speaking, even if it something horrible she did. Time...let some time go by and be thankful you still have some communication with the GD.  Try to focus on the good of this and take a deep breath. 2 months is a blink in a lifetime...so are my 4 1/2 months. I have been through a lot of garbage in my life and I can say that I got through all of it, even if it wasn't on my timing. You will get through this...like I will. Promise.
Baby steps, baby steps.

[Sandy]

I am going through exactly the same thing with my 26-yr-old daughter!! Last year I excitedly offered to buy her wedding gown as my gift to the bride - she completely snubbed me & ran out with her friends to buy the dress. She has reluctantly had lunch with me twice since then.

Now she is pregnant & due next month with my grandson - she and her friends have completely left me out of the baby shower and birthing plans!!  I can't believe this treatment. I am very hurt and angry.

She's shutting me out of everything now. I will just stay away while she's going thru this obnoxious stage. I have no interest in being around her selfish behavior.

[luise.volta]

Good heavens! All of that for offering to buy her wedding down! Go figure!

[brokemyheart]

Thank you so much for all of your advice. I really just needed to know that I wasn't alone. And I can see that I am not. I am so surprised that this happens and often. And it does consume me, I now know I need to move on and enjoy my life. Even tho I have days that I  cry and wonder  WHY?
I will keep reading for encouragement, this is a great group.
Thank you,
Crystal

[Barbie]

MU, I read your post and it cought my eye when you said you're ashamed that your son is brainwashed by DIL, I feel ashamed too and I can't explain why. Why do you think that is? Why do we feel ashamed when we haven't done anything wrong? I'm also ashamed to look at DS and DIL's family but I don't why.

[Eva]

thank you for the prayers I really appreciated that

re:taking my DS to court for GP visitations right 1x a month
had I not mentioned that to DS that I will challenge him at the court,
as I did not see our 2GDs for almost a year
we would not be in catholic counseling services,
I think DS does not want  judge to hear about him
to get a gun  and threatening to shot that b*  (his ex)
if his-ex don't do what DS was asking
DS could loose 50% custody of his 2DDs to his ex

his divorce lawyer told DS that 99% of his customers would wish
to have what his ex gave him  after 9 years ,
ex left house, asked no alimony (she did found job),
gave DS 50/50 custody,
DS payed her ex only $10 000, cheating her from 50% profit from the sale of their house over $90 000
you see DS does not want judge reopen his divorce case

new DIL came in and DS always angry changed to her image,
DIL help him with divorce to get as much as he could-
took his ex to cleaners as DIL said
Officially DS divorce came in May and on same day
DS proposed with diamond ring
DS quit his good job with full benefits after being there 11 years and took his employer to court -of course DS lost

trying to take me to court for $250 000-have no case

cheating his youngest brother for $10 000 (to pay his ex out)
which DS did borough from him and
now having  job DS  never pay back

from honest hard working man DS changed to angry, aggressive person

DH said that both GDs looked very tired and sad at the wedding
DIL to our oldest son was worried about them too,
she said that 4x she chased that boy from girls washroom as
he followed them to girls washroom not to giving girls their privacy,
so she looked after both of them at the wedding
taking both girls under her wings
teaching them not to go to the washroom alone,
always go together and next time ask her to go to WR with them

[brokemyheart]

I'm still in a bad way that  I think it's all my fault, what did I do wrong. I should have said this or done this. But the things he picked apart are just unbelievable.  It really seems like he takes something he has done, blamed it on me and made up a twisted story.  But I just can't imagine living without him. I gave birth to him, he was born without the use of his left arm. I did everything in the world to make him better. We even sued the doctor and he has a trust fund to collect from every 5 years until he is 60. He had a great childhood. We camped. I volunteer at his school.  I stood by him all the time. He is a great kid until this happened.  The whole situation makes me so sad, I lie to my friends and tell them everything is OK because I usually break down and cry. I just can't bare the fact that I might never see him. I would rather take the abuse then give him up.
My husband is so upset I think he is going to explode. And he may never forgive him.  But me being a mom, I would forgive him this minute and be able to forget everything that ever happened.
One great thing is I have and older son (28) and he is the nicest caring boy ever, with a nice wife that likes me and wonderful 3  1/2 yr old son that I get to spend lots of time with.
But I am still missing my other son.

[luise.volta]

Trying to understand takes a lot of energy and is usually fruitless. Most of us learn not to look for sanity where there is none. We learn to focus on what is positive in our lives because what we focus on expands. We go through shame that somehow we are to blame, which is ridiculous, and come out the other side. We survive. Sending love...