What should I do?

[erma]

and pen, i could have written your post, thank you.

[Pen]

Erma, sorry to hear of this latest drama. It sounds as though gifts are the least of the problems between you & DIL. What's sad is that the GC get caught in the middle. The DILs who think we can just disappear need to understand that we are related to their children, like it or not, and always will be. We're also related to their DH, LOL. MILs need to realize that the door to DS & GC is open or closed at the whim of DIL, so doing what we can to keep the peace benefits us. We may need to ignore a lot of unfortunate behavior, but that's how it is in some cases.

Regarding DIL gifts, I agree that they should be given from the heart, but it's hard to do so when DIL has rejected the giver/gift on past occasions. We're put in a no-win position, as others have said, so we must do what we can live with. I never would pick out clothes or accessories for DIL unless told specifically what she desired - it's gift cards all the way, usually a spa day but sometimes for a store DS tells me she likes.

Do DIL/DS bend themselves into pretzels over our gifts? Are they walking on eggshells about us? Heck no, LOL. DIL hits the sales at the low end stores and we get whatever cheap stuff she can remotely justify as appropriate. Yes, it would be great if DS did the heavy lifting for his FOO...he used to purchase thoughtful, appropriate gifts for us. I don't know if DIL is in charge of the $$$ and has taken over all spending or if DS handed that responsibility over.

I'd be happy to remove gifts entirely from the celebration and just spend time together, but DIL wouldn't like that either. They're very busy with her FOO at the holidays.

[Scoop]

I had another idea, instead of DS, DGS and DIL gifts, how about a family gift?  A family membership to the museum or the zoo?  Or a swim membership to the local pool?  With a little something else for DGS of course.

Also, I don't think anyone should be afraid to cut back their Christmas gift list, as long as they tell everyone what they're doing.    We were relieved when we decided to stop buying gifts for siblings and friends, as were they, I'm sure.

[erma]

pen, your situation is so familiar to me.  the first holiday gift exchange we did with dil/ds she never spoke a word of gratitude, or a thank you. after the holiday was over, ds said maybe we should just give gift cards. ds was not raised in this fashion. we "shop with our hearts" with that in mind, we gave gift cards the following year only to have her say, "oh, gift cards, how impersonal" . she even went as far one year, to tell me that "GIFT GIVING AFTER WE TURN 21 IS IMATURE" so the next year, she and ds got a card. HA! that went over well, she accused me of "playing some sick mind game" when i reminded ds of the past 21 thing, all that was replied was, "oh ya" . so now, i still "shop with my heart". when i gift give, wheather it be the holidays, or birthdays, baby showers, what ever, i don't compromise myself any more. she may throw them out, re-gift, or keep them. what ever she does with them is her business, it hurts me when she does throw them out or re-gift, which she has, but alot of it is displayed around her home. which contradicts everything she says to me and ds.  so, i keep giving from my heart, and maybe one day, in the end, she will understand why we as women do what we do. we are nurturers.
i we can only take so much.  i don't chose to call it "unfortunate behavior" though,its alot of other things, we are "unfortunate" to have to put up with it though. and like you pen, dil's foo, always has and always will come first. they spend almost every weekend with them, all holidays, and birthdays even my ds's, and believe me, it hurts beyond words, we just get a glimpse now and then of their lives. 
so the holidays will be hard, feelings will be hurt, but i know for me, my gift giving, to all, will be from my heart. and in the end for me, they will understand i gave them my heart becuz i love them.  its not about gifts, its about love and family, and the big guy upstairs.
so for me, the gifts we give, the words we speak, the deeds we do, they should all be from our hearts.  so again, i will not compromise myself, i will give her a gift from my heart. (unless this year is a just cards year)   

[erma]

i gave them a "family gift" a membership to a local aquarium, i called and asked ds if it was something they would enjoy, he was thrilled. so i purchased it. when she opened it, she blurted out, "eewww, i hate fish"  , some peoples kids.  but i agree with scoop, before purchasing a large ticket item, ask dil. 
my take on it though is, what is a gift really??  when did we evolve from gift giving into " thats what i want and your gonna get it for me"?

[barelythere]

morning ladies. just had to put my input in.  i am so sick and tired of walking on eggshells for these ungrateful, selfish, "its my way or no way", you didn't get me the right gift, your always wrong, no matter what, controlling people!!!!!!!!!!!   REALLY???!!!!!  can you say, "chemical imbalance??"  agreed that sons grow up and "go away". not agreed that we can be disrespected, stepped on, ignored, shamed, giving the "stink eye",  at any giving moment for everything we do. we are "darned if we do, darned if we don't".  we CANT win! some of the stories i read here are absolutely horrific!! some of the MIL/DIL's are just plain horrifying! when my dil treats us in this manner, we back off, when we "back off", she then says were ignoring her and ds, or that were trying to "play games", which sickens me . so, what do we do ladies? some people can NEVER BE PLEASED no matter what we do. wheather its a MIL or a DIL, there can only be one cook in the kitchen so to speak, but i chose not to be rolled over with the rolling pen every time.
with that said, hers an up date:
i had my gc for a day, we went to the zoo, we had such a good day! dropped my gc off at my DIL's, gc did NOT want to leave my arms, just cried and cried, then DIL said (very rudely) "well you give him everything he wants, that's why hes crying".  REALLY??!!!  no, we respect her rules, but off she stomped, with crying gc in tow calling nana nana..............   not to mention she kept telling him to "shut up cry baby" hes not even 2!!!  i couldn't say a word.
she is JELOUSE, AND INTIMIDATED and wont admit it ever! so, had one good conversation w/dil, then got to spend a day with my gs, but now i guess its back to the drawing board because she got mad he cried when i tried to put him in her arms??!! so sad that some people just cant or wont grow up, or get help. 
and i have to ask, sorry if i missed it, but what is excactly a "passive/aggressive" gift? i have never in my life heard of such a thing.

Dear Erma,
A passive agressive gift is like when I spent a lot on a gift for my Daughter in law for her birthday (not clothes-- but an object of a lot of value and beauty.   She threw it back in the box, not even attempting to put it back like it was and gave it back to me for my birthday.  She wanted me to know she didn't like it.  (honestly, no one would have not liked this gift)

[cremebrulee]

BarelyThere
The way I was raised, you got a gift, you thanked that person for the gift and that was that.  If I didn't like it, too bad, I thanked them and acted grateful that they thought of me.  I think we're evolving backwards in some ways.

Yes, your right, I was raised the same way, however, when a woman is no longer a child....and I speak thru experience....why would you want to chance giving someone something that they are not going to like or wear....
again, I'm speaking from experience, but I would much rather give someone something they are going to enjoy, not something they are going to hang away in the closet and not wear..that is a waste of money just to give a gift....Give a box wrapped gift certificate, that way there is no stone unturned, then they can do with it what they like....?

My maternal mother keeps buying me clothes from QVC....there is nothing wrong with they're clothes, howver, she purchased items that she likes, which would be for an older woman....not what I like??? or would even consider wearing....there is definately a generation gap in what we like....

Guest, I'm speaking for myself only....your DIL may feel completely the opposite...I just wouldn't take the chance....I would and do, give gift certificates or money, it saves a whole lot of aggrivation from both sides.....it's easy and you don't take a chance on giving something they can't or won't ever wear.....

When I said, I don't know how anyone can clothes shop for clothing, well, it really used to get to me, that the older generation would spend money on clothes that I would never wear....I'm talking after I was married, not when I was a little girl....but we all certainly have different tastes in clothes....and I'm all for getting something I know the receiver is definately going to like, how can you miss with a gift certificate? 

Hugs
Creme

[erma]

morning cream, i did the gift card theme, only to have her open it and say "oh, gift cards, how impersonal".  but i do agree with you on the clothes deal. IF i give her clothes, i give a gift receipt, that way she can go exchange it. i have found with my dil, what works best now, is CASH. she wants cash. no cards, no gifts, cold hard cash.    but i also add a little something from my heart that i think she will enjoy.

[1Glitterati]

morning cream, i did the gift card theme, only to have her open it and say "oh, gift cards, how impersonal".  but i do agree with you on the clothes deal. IF i give her clothes, i give a gift receipt, that way she can go exchange it. i have found with my dil, what works best now, is CASH. she wants cash. no cards, no gifts, cold hard cash.    but i also add a little something from my heart that i think she will enjoy.

Now see...here is where my redneck gene rises to the surface and overrides good judgement.

I'd want to call her out in front of everyone right at the Xmas tree.  Something along the lines of telling her about how you were told that 1) gifts for anyone over 21 is immature.  so you stopped. 2)  when you gave a card instead...as you were following HER wishes...then she was unhappy, too.  3)  when you buy her things she says she doesn't like them and gives them back to you. so 4)  What exactly is it that you are supposed to do?

Of course...this is where the whole fantasy gets really, REALLY BAD.  As I said...my redneck gene can override good sense.  Not only I have the urge to call her out, but to blow it up like dynamite and rub her nose in it.  Heck...it would probably end up with me throwing her out of the house, in my fantasy.


Seriously though...I would address it in some way.  At some point...you just get tired.  You teach people how to treat you.  I DO think she should be called out on her behavior.  However, you can only do it if you're willing to deal with the consequences...and there will be consequences.  I think this applies to both sides of the equation...ils and "the kids".  The biggest problem with doing it is that the ils have more to lose than "the Kids" do...unless you're willing to harden your heart, pull your pants up, and wait it out.

[cremebrulee]

morning cream, i did the gift card theme, only to have her open it and say "oh, gift cards, how impersonal".  but i do agree with you on the clothes deal. IF i give her clothes, i give a gift receipt, that way she can go exchange it. i have found with my dil, what works best now, is CASH. she wants cash. no cards, no gifts, cold hard cash.    but i also add a little something from my heart that i think she will enjoy.

and I thought I was bad and awful for not liking to get clothes for gifts....?

Erma, she is just downright ungreatful...next time give her monopoly money?  Sheesh, what an ingreat?

[barelythere]

morning cream, i did the gift card theme, only to have her open it and say "oh, gift cards, how impersonal".  but i do agree with you on the clothes deal. IF i give her clothes, i give a gift receipt, that way she can go exchange it. i have found with my dil, what works best now, is CASH. she wants cash. no cards, no gifts, cold hard cash.    but i also add a little something from my heart that i think she will enjoy.

Just my 2 cents for what it's worth...don't say one word to her!  That's my opinion. If you do, you are in for it.  I think you know that, though.  Do as she says.  She wants cash, she gets cash.  Do not talk to your son about it!!  He will tell her and then you will be in for it. 

Somehow along the way, we have lost a sense of decorum and good taste.  Too bad for us.

[erma]

thanks glitter, bt and cream!
glitter, i believe i have some of that"redneck gene" too!!! lol  but i do not know of a way to address the issues without offending her. EVERYTHING my side of the family does seems to offend her.  not just me, but my whole family and my dh side of the family as well. she has said or done something to and about everyone of us.  but she is my sons significant other, so we must deal with it. after so many years of her behavior, my family just ignores her now. we cant. and i cant seem to find a way to address it either. so, mean time i walk on eggshells, and i hate it!
i guess im hoping maybe someday, she will learn how to be grateful for what she has been given, on all levels. i try to show that by what i do. maybe shell catch on, maybe not.
but i gotta tell ya, it sure would feel good for a moment anyway, to call her out at Christmas time under the tree!!    i could never do that, but it sounds good, until the aftermath anyway.

[pam1]

morning cream, i did the gift card theme, only to have her open it and say "oh, gift cards, how impersonal".  but i do agree with you on the clothes deal. IF i give her clothes, i give a gift receipt, that way she can go exchange it. i have found with my dil, what works best now, is CASH. she wants cash. no cards, no gifts, cold hard cash.    but i also add a little something from my heart that i think she will enjoy.

Ugh, I would not be able to tolerate this. 

[miss_priss]

Gifts from someone, anyone, who you don't have a good relationship with is AWKWARD.  You never know what to expect, you don't know what to say ("thank you, you witch?"), and for anyone around you who knows what the situation is, it makes an awkward situation for them too.

As a DIL in the midst of an awful situation with my MIL, I'll just be honest, I don't want her gifts and I have told her so on many occasions.  I know that not all of you are nasty like my MIL is, but even so, there is some unrest and discord there between you and your DILs, and some reason why we're having this conversation...

As a DIL on the receiving end of that spectrum, back when my MIL used to send me gifts, I felt like she was trying to "force" gratitude from me, I felt as though she were trying to "humble me" by forcing me to say "thank you" to her.  You could almost see the delight on her face, not from the gratitude itself, but from the power she got in forcing me to do it (does that make sense?) 

For a long time I was polite and cordial and said "thank you for the gift <MIL>, and thank you for thinking of me."  The worse things got, the more she laughed off my boundaries and treated her son and I like dirt....the less I wanted her gifts, and eventually I just stopped accepting them.  Gifts to her were routine, it was her way of showing eeeeeeeverybody else "Ohhhhhh, I'm the good guy, I don't like her, but I still gave her a gift."  And to me, when you're giving a gift just to show others that you're "considerate," that's not the same as giving a gift to someone because you love them.  This to me is the definition of "passive aggressive" gifting.   

When I stopped giving her that power, she said the same things I'm hearing from some of you.  "She's ungrateful, she's this and that...yada yada yada."  She ignores my very existence 363 days out of the year, why should my birthday or Christmas be any different?  Is her "gift" to me that she acknowldges my birthday or that it's Christmas?  I believe gifts come out of love, not out of power or other alterior motives, so if you openly and publicly hate me the other 363 days out of the year, why should I have to accept your "gifts" the other two days just so she can "appear" to have cared enough to send a gift?  If any of you can justify that, please feel free to explain it to me, because I just don't see any form of reasonable logic behind it.   

I'm not saying at all that this applies to anyone or everyone here, just trying to give another perspective.  Giving a gift to my MIL at this point is, to me, along the lines of giving a gift to the guy who just verbally attacked me in my home, and Christmas and birthdays aren't exceptions.  I don't give her gifts, and I don't accept them from her either.     

[Nana]

And all comes down to this.  It is not the gift.  It is that when dil doesnt like mil, it is not the gift....it is the opportunity to express their rejection.  This does not apply to Miss Prissy which does have a witch mil and some others who reject mil for well earned reasons. 

Love