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what is goin on with my son

Started by Kay, September 29, 2010, 03:30:07 pm

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Kay

Oh my goodness, I knew my son and wifes marriage was far from perfect, she has a bad habit of always looking on the gloomy side. They have been married a little over 12 years and today when I went to watch my granddaughters soccer game my daughter in law informed us that he said he wanted a weeks seperation. He said he loves her and the girls but he does not know how to talk to her. When she talks he never says anything and he does not understand why he cannot talk to her. I think he is depressed and exhausted from working 12 hour shifts on 3rd shift and having an impossible time sleeping during the day. He is 37 years old and looks alot older. They are in deep debt due to her spending habits and I think he is just so sick of working so hard and never having a thing to show for it. He has not and probably wont talk to us about it, he just never talks about problems with anyone except maybe his friends. I am heartsick about this, should my husband talk to him, and ask him what is going on I know he will not open up to me, he never has. How can a person love his wife and kids and want to be apart I just do not understand. Please if you read this, write back. I am so scared.  Kay

luise.volta

This is so hard. It is about his choices (spendthrift-wife) and their consequences (depression and exhaustion.) My guess is he may process it by himself and not let anyone in. Just my take. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

You can love someone but it still be unhealthy.  He has to find his own path.  Sending warm wishes.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cremebrulee

kay, this is so hard for a mother to go thru, however, as callous as it may seem, it is part of life and a culmination of your son's choices...you have to back off and let him go thru this in order to learn.  Kay, we don't learn about life only when it's good and fun, the real lessons are in situations as such...

If it were me, and my DIL were confiding in me about they're bad marriage, (which they don't have) I would tell her I love her with all my heart, but I cannot advise her, and would like to bow out...in the end, this can only bring bad stuff your way....stay away from it as much as possible and hope for the best.

Yes, it is your son, and sometimes people we love make bad choices, but we as mothers, must stay away and allow them to either grow from the bad things that happen, or hit bottom and start again from there...but the more we involve ourselves, the more we interfer with they're growth.

I know your worried and thinking all kinds of things...but divorce happens to the best of us, we get through it and hopefully we learn? 

Hopefully, it will all work out....and you'll look back and realize one day, that regardless of all this worry, the best thing a mother can do for her children, is to let them go thru bad times to learn, if you interfer, you end up loosing in the end....and I'm not jumping to conclussions and saying your going to interfer...just throwing some ideas out there...you know your situation and yourself the better then anyone...

Hugs and love
Creme

Kay

Hello,

Much love and hugs to you Creme. I saw your post on the other board and all I can say is you are a great caring loving person and your son knows that. So keep that chin up and keep smiling even through the tears. Thank you also, Anna for your uplifting remarks. Wish I could hug all of you in person. Sometimes it feels like we are runnning a race without a finish line, it just goes on and on and on. I think, no I know, I would never be coping with all of this without you wonderful people. You make life better.  Kay

Kay

Hey Anna, On your mark, get set and go Bet we dont beat each other but  I am going to run anyway. Thanks for the smile you just gave me. (((hugs))) Kay

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Kay

Oh my thank you ever so much Luisa. This is the first time I have had a good belly laugh in many days. Bless you for that Kay

cdb

I am so sorry this is upsetting you. I do have a different take on things on my marriage. My spouse is working long hours,,(on purpose). I am sure of this. Then he is telling his mom and my daughter how he works so hard and I don't do anything and spend money. Just a hunch , but after 32 years of marriage my hunches are pretty good. One time years ago, he was not happy I was on disability and wasn't working so he refused any overtime etc. I am not saying your son is like this at all. I am sure he isn't. I am just saying that my spouse has been very manipulative and I see now how is is sort of setting me up. I should have left years ago. I will overspend at times just because I am angry at him for not treating me better etc. I know that isn't right, but I thought it may help to see another person's situation. My kids are grown, but this pattern has happened in the past and I see now how he could have stopped my spending etc. if he chose to. IT was easier for him to play the victim and I see him doing this now, saying he hasn't updated the check book for 3 months etc. I use to do that for many years until I go sick and was making mistakes. Oh , the games we can play in marriages. WE did get a lot of counseling over the years too, but 2 counselors actually told him they wouldn't work with him anymore cause he wasn't doing what they asked. One time he even fell asleep during a session! I bet that counselor still talks about that! IT was so unkind and rude of him, but the counselor got to see what I deal with at home. IF it was his mom or siblings there, he would have been wide awake. So, I just thought it would share my situation with you and thanks for letting me vent here. CB

luise.volta

No need to feel sorry. Sending prayers...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama