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19 year old son 23 year old gf

Started by kimwhiz, October 12, 2010, 12:36:07 pm

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kimwhiz

Hello, our son is turning 19 this Sunday. He is a good Christian young man. He works part time (just got a supervisor position he wanted) and is going to community college. We pay for his phone, food at home and insurance. He pays for his gas and anything else. He is respectful towards us and follows our rules. He has always said he wanted to wait to have sex until he was married. He has only dated one other girl for a few months - thinking it was love but it turned out he said he didn't love her and ended it. Now he has met a 23 year old girl that shares a lot of his interests (bagpiping, etc.). She is Catholic and he's Christian. It did bother him at first, now he's going to Church with her. I found out he's sleeping with her (not in our home). We are very nice to her but feel so uneasy. She has been with 2 other guys and slept with them also (she told me this). Our son says he does not feel close to God but knows he will again. I think sex is just too strong of a pull on him. He even went to bible study on staying pure a year ago.

The problem is that she lives 1 1/2 hours away from us. At first, she was coming to our house for the weekend and he would sleep at my mom's house. Then he wanted to go to her house for the weekend. She lives at home with her mom and 5 brothers/sisters. He said he sleeps on the couch and her younger brothers are sleeping on the floor. We were uneasy but he assured us that nothing was going on. This went on for a few months. I started feeling uneasy about him going down there so I started snooping a little and found a receipt for a hotel room in her city.

After talking to my husband we decided that we should have never let him spend weekends down there even though her mom and siblings love him. So, we told him he could not sleep over anymore...he needed to be home. She was still welcome to spend the weekend with us if he slept at my mom's house.  ALL of the sudden, he decides that he and his friend will get an apartment in the city we live in and we continue to pay for his school, phone and insurance. We told him he could move out but he would be on his own - we would not pay for school, insurance and phone. We knew he wanted an apartment so he could start spending the night with her again. We said we would not support him when we know she will be sleeping over there and him over her house. We can't lower our standards so he can have fun.

He was mad. He was not disrespectful but he pretty much told us that this is all our fault for snooping and finding out he was sleeping with her. He did not say this but I felt that he feels we owe him a education, roof over his head, food, insurance, phone while he should be free to do whatever he wants. My husband and I calmly told him he needed to find somewhere else to live if that was his attitude, that school and living with us is a privilege and not a right at  his age. There was no yelling or anger but calm matter of fact. He backtracked and said he did not want to move out and that he appreciates what we do for him.

Now he is mad...I can tell (he is quiet and avoiding us). I'm nice to him. His birthday is Sunday and he is leaving early Sun. am to go to her hometown with her. This will be my first time to not do anything with him on his birthday. It's sad for me. He has always been big on family. I forgot to mention he is an only child. We are a close loving family and I hate to lose that with him.

Did we do the right thing? Will he come back around? These are the questions I struggle with. I just want to do the right thing.

Thanks. Kim

luise.volta

Hi and welcome... I'm not sure there is a "right thing" to do. You make sense to me but you don't make sense to your son, who wants to do as he pleases. He's at a tough age, as you well know and you are all doing your best. If they are going to sleep together...where he lives isn't going to change it much. That's what they're going to do. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

kimwhiz

Yes, they will always find a way to sleep together. I guess our point is that we can't financially support him when he planned on moving out because we forbid him to spend the night down there anymore. We knew he wanted to move out specifically for this reason and we couldn't support him when that was his reason. Am I making sense? : )

Kim

luise.volta

Yes, it makes sense to me. You were offering him a package that carried some boundaries. He has to be realistic.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Nanci49

Oh Lord!~

I think there is something with sons and their mothers - sons never leave their moms for long -

He IS 19 years old and has a g/f - MAYBE you can have a separate b/d party for him for you all -?

Just a suggestion -

free_at_last

There is no way you are going to stop them from having sex if they want to, they are adults and that is their business, and their business only.  It's unrealistic and unnecessary to try to control that aspect of his life now that he is an adult IMO.

I do think it's perfectly OK to enforce some house rules if he's still living with you, however, if the only reason you want to enforce these rules is to stop him from sleeping with her, then you should be aware that it is probably going to create some hard feelings and resentment toward you (from both of them) that will last as long as the relationship lasts. 

1Glitterati

QuoteShe is Catholic and he's Christian.


Since when are Catholic's not Christian?

LaurieS

I think that may have been a typo Glitter, or she lost her train of thought.  I'm sure that she was not implying that Catholics are not Christians  ;)

erma

hi Kim, welcome, being new myself, this place is where you ll find some answers, some you ll like, some not so much. but if you read others predicaments, and the responses, you ll catch on, and start to see things. hold on tight, its not a gentel ride!!
in dealing with my own grown children, when they lived at home, the rule was "my house, my rules" BUT that rule no longer applies. they are grown adults now, we treat them as guests now in our home. love when they visit, love when they go. you are paying for his education. if you have had the understanding with him that you as his parents, would pay for his education, all his life , then i think you should continue paying for it.  his education has nothing to do with his new girlfriend.  as Laurie says, he's asserting his independence.  I'm afraid if you assert your will for him, you will not only lose your son, but he will lose a chance at a good education,and a chance for himself to see what hes made of. it hurts to let our kids go. its the hardest thing i ever did.
sorry your going through this.

MotherOf3

Your son has been a good young man but he is just that, a young MAN now.  I agree with many other that he is 18 and an adult and it's one thing to say that he can't have his girlfriend sleeping with him in YOUR house but, it's quite another to forbid him from going to see her. 

It's certainly your right to withdrawl support for his schooling but call it what it is...  You want to control what he does and with whom and if he does things that you don't like, you take away paying for school and tell him to move out.

There are many worse things that would warrant cutting off financial and essentially emotional support, like drugs and other destructive behavior.  I don't see this as destructive really, just against what you want him to do.

It depends on whether this is a hill to die on for you or if the long-term relationship with your son and accepting him and his decisions is the goal.

luise.volta

That makes a lot of sense MO3. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

1Glitterati

Quote from: Laurie on October 12, 2010, 02:12:56 pm
I think that may have been a typo Glitter, or she lost her train of thought.  I'm sure that she was not implying that Catholics are not Christians  ;)


Laurie...you'd be surprised.   You really would.  When I was young and away at college...there was another local college.  Liberty University...routinely told anyone who would listen that Catholics weren't christians and that they were going to hell along with the Jews.

I still have friends who live back there.  They tell me that it's still the same as ever.

luise.volta

I've met a lot of Christians who aren't Christian.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Nana

Catholics and Christians are different religions.  I know for sure. 

I am a Roman Catholic....take holy communion, I go to mass on Sundays, believe in Saints, etc.
My other relatiives are Christians....they go to another church...no holy communion, think they dont believe in Saints.....have to marry another Christian, cannot drink alcoholix beverages, etc.
Completely different. 

The confusion arises because we catholics spoke all the time about being Christians...because we believe in Christ.  But here they are referring to another religion.

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

luise.volta

Kim has asked that her post be deleted which can't be done when it is the original topic. So I am closing it at her request.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama