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Expectations and Acceptance

Started by justdontunderstand, October 12, 2010, 07:59:15 AM

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cremebrulee

Quote from: guest1 on October 15, 2010, 06:52:02 AM
Creme, I can relate to your story, I was a lot like your DIL when I had my first child, I thought she was a baby doll, LOL, was very jealous and over protective of her, didn't even want anybody to come near her, I quit working because I didn't want to leave her with anybody so if I thought that was the problem with my DIL I would understand and not feel so hurt. My DIL only displays that kind of behavior around us, she doesn't mind leaving GD at daycare or with anyone in her family. We did a good job raising our three children, by her admission, pure luck I suppose, but we can't be trusted with our GD. Well, at the present time we are trusted somewhat, every now and then, I guess because GD is older and starting to talk?
But, you're so right, we let the little things bother us and can't see past them and that ruins the relationship. For all we know our DIL could be afraid of us just like we are afraid of her, she may be waiting for us to make the first move towards mending the relationship just as we are waiting for her, however, because DS told us she didn't want to have anything to do with us and she even got angry at me for wishing her a "happy birthday" because she said I didn't mean it, we're afraid that whatever we do she's going to take it the wrong way.

Hi Guest,
It sounds as if she's coming around slowly, patience is the key...it's not that she feels you can't be trusted...she is just way over protective...really scared...day care might be better in her mind, b/c they are licensed care givers, they really don't bond with the children...right now, I think, and I'm just guessing, she wants that child to know her and love her, and b/c she works, it probably makes her feel super guilty....does that make any sense...?


Nana

Guest 1

I totally and absolutely (synonyms lol) agree with Barely there.  That is a piece of advice.  Probably it doesnt work for everyone but I did that exactly with dil and things turned completely.  I had to speak out.....speak to son (which I hadnt done) and anounced my retirement before they retired me.  I did this to survive...I was drowning,--- depreseed, anxious, nervous.  I couldnt take it any longer....as dramatic as it may sound.....I wanted to die and prayed that it happened.   When I spoke to son and told him my decision to back off we were both crying.  I told him that I loved him and gs (only one gs at that time) and it was the hardest decision but as he had seen I was treated as trash.  I told him that the only thing she (dil) could not do is stopping me from loving him....or him loving me.   I also told him that the first and most important thing was that he belong to his family(wife and son)  and I just wanted him to be happy.   He told me he would still come along to visit with gs and we kiss good-bye.  Guess 1, it took about one month for her coming to my house with the whole family and jug me.  We never spoke of the past.....everything was forgiven.  When she was about to have the second baby....she was in another town....she phone me and told me to come, that she needed and loved me. 

Of course we probably do not agree at times.  But I never contradict her or try to lecture or advice her.  I follow her rules....and my price is having the babies once a week (Today Friday) and they come on Sundays for barbecue.  That is enough for me.

Things can change anytime.  So dont lose hope....just act with dignity .  We need to respect ourselves so that others will too.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Barbie

Nana, I've spoken to DS many times about all the suffering that everyone is going through and to try to get her to give us a chance and no luck, he defends her position and tells me to just leave it alone so I have. She hasn't come to our house since last Christmas but she's let DS and GD come to visit us and has had DH and I over a few times as well, it's not the most confortable feeling being there but we just play with GD and let everything else slide.

I don't see how anything can be resolved if we don't talk but for now it is what it is. DH thinks that maybe if they didn't live so far away things wouldn't have gotten this far but I don't know what else we can do at this point. I sure hope things change for the better, GD is getting older and pretty soon she will start to catch on, we don't want her growing up seeing all of this.

I have been where I've wanted to throw in the towel but it's very clear to us that DS loves us and wants to have a relationship with us so I'm hanging in there.

Nana

Guest 1

If you have spoken to your son and cant resolve anything, just be there for your son and granddaughter.   You love your son and gc so it is very hard to let go.  As I told you, what works for some dont work for others.  God bless your soul.....you have a lot of love and patience.....hold on as long as your emotional stability is not at stake.  I hope that things change for you.  You never know....why not.   

Will keep you in my prayers.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

pam1

Quote from: guest1 on October 15, 2010, 06:52:02 AM
Creme, I can relate to your story, I was a lot like your DIL when I had my first child, I thought she was a baby doll, LOL, was very jealous and over protective of her, didn't even want anybody to come near her, I quit working because I didn't want to leave her with anybody so if I thought that was the problem with my DIL I would understand and not feel so hurt. My DIL only displays that kind of behavior around us, she doesn't mind leaving GD at daycare or with anyone in her family. We did a good job raising our three children, by her admission, pure luck I suppose, but we can't be trusted with our GD. Well, at the present time we are trusted somewhat, every now and then, I guess because GD is older and starting to talk?
But, you're so right, we let the little things bother us and can't see past them and that ruins the relationship. For all we know our DIL could be afraid of us just like we are afraid of her, she may be waiting for us to make the first move towards mending the relationship just as we are waiting for her, however, because DS told us she didn't want to have anything to do with us and she even got angry at me for wishing her a "happy birthday" because she said I didn't mean it, we're afraid that whatever we do she's going to take it the wrong way.

Hi Guest,  the bolded in your post caught my eye.  I don't know if this is what your DIL is thinking, but this is my perspective and I know a lot of my other friends feel similar who have to put their kids in daycare.  Just another perspective, but it stinks a lot of the time to have your kid in daycare.  Just stinks.  I disliked it a lot.  And not when DD was just a baby, but when she was in preschool too.  And there is still a stigma in some places about not being a stay at home mom and some kind of weird rivalry between working moms and SAHM's. 

Anyway, my time off work was focused with DD in mind.  I rarely need babysitters and when I do, I usually go to the easiest person to do it.  In my sitch, I don't want it held over my head or talked about constantly that someone doesn't get to babysit DD or it's not fair because so and so gets so much time and they don't.  It feels like a competition and it's the last thing I really want to deal with when I'm already struggling over feeling as if I don't get enough time with DD.  It's easier to get a friend to do it because there isn't going to be this emotional warfare over who gets DD, who got her the most, there isn't some tally card.  And the less the situation comes up, the less it will eventually be talked about is what I think.  I don't want to keep going over it. 

In my sitch, it would be easier to ask MIL if I knew she wasn't keeping some tally card, if she wasn't going to use this as an excuse to start up some antics again, if she wasn't going to find it a reason to start talking about it with DH again.  Simply put, I'm not going to set up a schedule for her to babysit which I think is her goal.  It's just not going to happen.  Another friend of mine has a similar sitch with her own mother and when her Mom kept asking to have the baby every other weekend, my friend said "You're going to pay child support too?"  It just doesn't feel good to have this hanging over your head and most people go away from bad feelings.  Just my opinion.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Annie123

I do agree with Pam1, Keeping score will get you hurt!. I admit so far I've been a lucky Grandparent! I've spent hours,weeks,months, and years with my grandchild!
But when DIL's family call's me or comes to town and she is working or can't get away for any reason? I've many times taken GS to met up with his other set of Grandparents and we have spent the day just letting them spend time with him. They LOVE him too! And that is clear to see. If the shoe were on the other foot? I would hope someone would do as much for me.
But because of how things are right now. Her Parents seeing GS even every month is impossible. So it would bad if they were to get on her back about how much time he spends here. They've tried once or twice. And just by watching (Not saying a Word!) I could see that my DIL just got angry and it pushed her further away.  I know every case is different. But unless you are a bad person or something. I think most Parents do the very best they can to make sure we all get to spend time with our GC. It's not easy anymore being a young parent. They (A good many) are sometimes not only working Full time jobs and trying to take care of their families together. Things just cost so much anymore. I think many people feel as if they are "Dog Paddling " as fast as they can and don't need a fussy GP yelling it's my turn!
Of course I'm speaking about a case where ALL and EVERYTHING else is as Normal as normal gets anymore? LOL

Pen

How lucky you parents are to have so many options of people who love and care for your kids! You are truly blessed.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Annie123

Quote from: Pen on October 16, 2010, 12:35:12 PM
How lucky you parents are to have so many options of people who love and care for your kids! You are truly blessed.

Once again Pen.. AGREE with you all the way! I remember when mine were little at times almost feeling down right sorry for myself. When it was Christmas time or Back to school shopping time, I would run to many people I knew and they would always have a grandparent along to help out.. I would be so jealous.. I am ashamed to admit it.. But I was!
My folks have always lived VERY far away and my ILs told me the day I gave birth to my first child to NEVER ask them to babysit.. they wouldn't! And they never did either. Not that I would of ever left my children with someone so unhappy as my MIL must of been judging from her behavior. You just can't be that hateful and be happy.?? IMO. But I used to hire my niece to go along to keep the kids busy while I stuck Santa in the trunk. LOL