Expectations and Acceptance

[Annie123]

My idea of a tantrum must be different than some.  To me a tantrum is when a child is crying hard, screaming, or kicking.  Not the mild "I don't undertand why you took the toy away", crying that my gs was doing.  IMO gs was upset by the unjust action of his mother taking away a toy he was not abusing.  He was not throwing a tantrum to get the toy back, he was asking his mother why she took it when he didn't do anything to deserve losing it. 
Thanx Annie123.  It is hard, but I have learned to "zip it", a lot.    It doesn't mean I have to agree, I just have to zip it!

I love the last line Anna. LOL Zip it even when we don't like or agree. It is not easy in any shape of form. Trust me. I KNOW.

[cremebrulee]

My idea of a tantrum must be different than some.  To me a tantrum is when a child is crying hard, screaming, or kicking.  Not the mild "I don't undertand why you took the toy away", crying that my gs was doing.  IMO gs was upset by the unjust action of his mother taking away a toy he was not abusing.  He was not throwing a tantrum to get the toy back, he was asking his mother why she took it when he didn't do anything to deserve losing it. 
Thanx Annie123.  It is hard, but I have learned to "zip it", a lot.    It doesn't mean I have to agree, I just have to zip it!

Anna, we're not saying we're right, we don't know her like you do, however, what we're saying is...ok, here is why she "Might" be doing what she is doing...you can't see it b/c your to close to the situation personally....and things she does upsets you pretty quick...so your not able to evaluate the situation from a distance like we can because we are not emotionally invested in the situation...

honestly, there is no need at all for you to defend your stance and your beliefs about what happened...we're simply trying to help you, understand the whys of why she may be acting or feeling the way she does...objectively, which is something you are not able to do, nor was I b/c I was to close emotionally to the situation...no one was saying I was wrong, what they were trying to tell me was, maybe she did this because she feels this way or that...didn't have anything to do with me doing anything wrong....what it had to do with is, me not understanding why and how she felt the way she did...

we don't know, we're simply trying to say, Anna, do you think she feels this way b/c she is viewing the situation from her perspectives and the only way she knows how to see things...at this age and this point in time...

the idea came to mind about her thinking you allow the kids to get away with more, b/c your the grandma....no one is blaming you for anything...please don't take the offense....if you are not able to look at things from a young girls perspective....you won't be able to come up with any solutions...there is no need to say, "I don't do this, or I didn't do that", we love you, we're all sisters here trying to trouble shoot an issue and come up with answers together...maybe we're wrong, and maybe we've touched on something that might be benefical to your relationship...I just think we've got to, together, look at all angles and try and figure out, why DIL is doing these things...we're already decided that part of the reason is, her mother is an alcoholic...but there are other reasons why she's acting the way she does....and it may not have anything to do with you...however, we're trying to say,
well maybe she does this because...

it isn't meant to put you on the chopping block but to come up with ideas, together so that you might understand her character better, which will help you react differently...

and we're not saying all DIL's are like this or feel this way...we're actually trying to think of Anna's DIL exclusively on this one...

Anna, we're all trying to help...please don't feel that you have to defend yourself...your actions....we're saying, maybe DIL feels this way.. We don't know....

Consider how you feel right now...how are you feeling about all of this, do you feel like we're against you? 

and yes, sometimes zipping it is the best thing we can all do when around our inlaws...we're all learning self control...and how to deal  with relationships...

[Barbie]

Anna, I now exactly what you're saying. DH and I don't agree with some of the things DS and DIL do and it's been really hard for us to sit back and watch but I've decided not to let it bother me (most of the times). It's probably easier for us than it is for you since we don't see GD as often as you see your GKs. Boy, sometimes I'm so glad that they don't live close by and we don't have to witness it on a regular basis. What I'm struggling with right now is that I'm afraid DIL won't allow GD to be close to us, her family will always come first, she may even try to turn GD against us. DS said he wasn't getting in the middle anymore, I didn't know he ever did, if he did, obviously it didn't do any good or we wouldn't be where we're at. I have to say as time goes by my heart is hardening like I never thought it would.
Hugs.

[Nana]

Guest 1

I think that our heart does not harden.  We wear a shield to protect our feelings and integrity. 

Your son probably tried to mediate the situation with your dil---with no avail.  We never know what the couple speaks and discuss at closed doors.

I really wish you the best.  I have you in my heart and in my prayers.

Love

[Annie123]

You sweet ladies sound so wise! Creame,Nana,and Guest. Each one of your replies sound so caring and kind! God Bless!

[cremebrulee]

I'd like to share a situation with you....when son and DIL lived near me for a year, I watched my GD every weekend while they worked...I was so excited, went out and bought all the things she needed, play pal, stroller, potty to help potty train her, clothes and toys all at consignment shops because I knew ...I did this so they wouldn't have to lug things back and forth, so they could just drop her off.  I was excited to show DIL all the stuff....she seemed pleased....
OK, I started taking GD into the potty...the first time she  went, I made a big huge party out of it...we called great grand mama, we called daddy at work, and we couldn't call DIL at work, b/c it just wouldn't be right to do so, but when I took GD home, all the way home in the car, I told GD, mommie is going to be so proud of you...well....she was not...she was hurt that I was potty training her, I could tell.  Next day, son bought GD over, he said, "mom, don't potty train GD". and of course, I became so defensive and hurt....but did not, and GD was actually afraid to go into the bathroom with me anymore, b/c she thought I was going to potty train her...and she knew mommie didn't want me to....

I went to work and was devestated...and made a huge thing out of this...very hurt, thought my DIL was being jealous...and even cried...cried at the fact that I messed up again....and became very intollerant about the whole thing, making it into a huge huge insult and of course DIL was doing this b/c she hated me...

A girl I'm very close to at work who is my DIL's age, and has two children of her own, and loves her MIL...said to me, "Sheesh, I'd be very happy if someone would have potty trained my kids?"  She told me she thought DIL's feelings were hurt, b/c she wasn't there for the first time...and she wanted to potty train her daughter...my DIL was very protective of her daughter...and still is, but has become a very good mother...not that she wasn't before...but, I'm just very proud of her parenting...anyway...long story short, I refused to see my DIL's wishes, feelings and took it as an insult and that she was hurting her daughter, my God I built it up into this big thing...and shame on me...

When things were going on between DIL and myself, son said several times, you and DIL are alike in some way...ohhhh boy did I get angry for him saying that, however, at the time, I couldn't see past my own nose, feelings, hurt, anger, and was very offended. 

Now, Hah! and wow, I can surely see similarities....not in looks, she is BEAUTIFUL...but in character....and I'm honored that my son feels that way...actually, what I realize now, is the anger, hurt, kept me in a place where I wasn't able to understand her

My expecations were, that she should understand me, and to heck with how she felt...she was wrong, period....

it was a dark place, and when ever my son tried to say to me, wife isn't like that, I took it as if he was saying I was lying...he wasn't, he was trying to explain to me, that b/c there were problems, I magnified the situation and saw things that just were not there and honestly, they were not...my perceptions ran wild and got all out of focus....I wanted so much for my DIL to like me, and thought she was rejecting me, and she thought I was rejecting her....

...and we do that, we analyzie situations over and over in our heads, until we actually convince ourselves of the worst case senerios, then we choose to believe it, which is even more mind blowing to me...I cannot believe now, that I was so freakin stubborn and refused to see, that my DIL simply felt differently then I did....she missed her daughter while she was working, and wanted to be there for her first this or that....and me, I just wouldn't give her that credit...she had to be doing this to hurt me...but she wasn't....she even said to me, once, of late, that she was so over protective...well we all are, and some more then others, and not only can I appreciate that now, but respect her as well...I'm glad she was over protective...and she is strict...my GD is very polite and I'm proud of they're parenting...

My cousin kept trying to remind me, that perceptions from two people on one issue are always different, and as time goes by we perceive things even more differently...what she was saying was, that I was blowing things out of porportion b/c I didn't have any feedback or know what was going on in DIL's head, so I was actually taking a situation and blowing it way out of porportion, things there were very small things, and I was...I thought she hated me and I was so hurt, that's all I could see....I refused to see boundaries, or her feelings, or even acknowledge them... I thought, how could I be wrong, I am a mother, raised a child, babysat, was a youth group advisor and sunday school teacher and she was telling me I was wrong? How dare she....!!! Well, I couldn't have been more wrong.
Expectations can really harm a relationship...and cause us to be so selfish only focusing on what we want, not considering the other person's feelings...and when we wake up and do realize, what a whole different person we become, we are able to do better with all our relationships and over look things...now I say to myself, "that's why I love her or him...that is what make her or him unique...and then start to look for they're good qualities...people especially us older folks are not going to change much...and people can be so confounded stubborn, including myself, due to expectations we have of others.

Yes, we should expect respect...however, some do not view respect as I do, and some view respect even more then I do....we cannot expect everyone to feel the same way about things...we all are unique, and we all have our very own ideas of how things should or should not be, and if we're unable to view that others are not going to feel the same way, as we do, we are always going to have problems with relationships...

[Annie123]

Expectations can really harm a relationship...and cause us to be so selfish only focusing on what we want, not considering the other person's feelings...and when we wake up and do realize, what a whole different person we become, we are able to do better with all our relationships and over look things...now I say to myself, "that's why I love her or him...that is what make her or him unique...and then start to look for they're good qualities...people especially us older folks are not going to change much...and people can be so confounded stubborn, including myself, due to expectations we have of others.

Yes, we should expect respect...however, some do not view respect as I do, and some view respect even more then I do....we cannot expect everyone to feel the same way about things...we all are unique, and we all have our very own ideas of how things should or should not be, and if we're unable to view that others are not going to feel the same way, as we do, we are always going to have problems with relationships...

Creme, I 100% agree with you. I knew you sounded wise! LOL
   Often times people get so wrapped up in what they think is "Right" or "Wrong" that they don't look how there is sometimes many paths to the same end.
  I have a wonderful DIL and I know I'm blessed. We have been through some horrible storms but are now enjoying the rainbow afterwards. And it is so SWEET!
  I've watched my own Son grow from a "child" mind set to a Grown man and Wonderful Father! And the same with my DIL also.
  And while they were growing up and getting to where they are now. I too was growing and changing. Into not only a Wife and Mother, But also a Grandparent.
   Life is always changing. People need to STOP and take a breath and accept that. And they would be so "HAPPY" if they would learn to float with the currant instead of always trying to swim up stream. See what I mean?
  I remember when my own children were small and my Mother or MIL telling something they did with their babies and how I should too. And I thought, "things have changed since the old days" ..Well same is true with our children.. " Things have changed!" And that is a good thing mostly. They are always learning new things to help babies and children be healthier and happier.   To me a wise person "ACCEPTS" change as part of growing and living!
  Thank you so much for sharing your story with me! I'm so glad that you and your DIL are now friends and things are good!
   Hugssss, Annie

[Barbie]

Creme, I can relate to your story, I was a lot like your DIL when I had my first child, I thought she was a baby doll, LOL, was very jealous and over protective of her, didn't even want anybody to come near her, I quit working because I didn't want to leave her with anybody so if I thought that was the problem with my DIL I would understand and not feel so hurt. My DIL only displays that kind of behavior around us, she doesn't mind leaving GD at daycare or with anyone in her family. We did a good job raising our three children, by her admission, pure luck I suppose, but we can't be trusted with our GD. Well, at the present time we are trusted somewhat, every now and then, I guess because GD is older and starting to talk?
But, you're so right, we let the little things bother us and can't see past them and that ruins the relationship. For all we know our DIL could be afraid of us just like we are afraid of her, she may be waiting for us to make the first move towards mending the relationship just as we are waiting for her, however, because DS told us she didn't want to have anything to do with us and she even got angry at me for wishing her a "happy birthday" because she said I didn't mean it, we're afraid that whatever we do she's going to take it the wrong way.

[cremebrulee]

Creme, I 100% agree with you. I knew you sounded wise! LOL
   Often times people get so wrapped up in what they think is "Right" or "Wrong" that they don't look how there is sometimes many paths to the same end.
  I have a wonderful DIL and I know I'm blessed. We have been through some horrible storms but are now enjoying the rainbow afterwards. And it is so SWEET!
  I've watched my own Son grow from a "child" mind set to a Grown man and Wonderful Father! And the same with my DIL also.
  And while they were growing up and getting to where they are now. I too was growing and changing. Into not only a Wife and Mother, But also a Grandparent.
   Life is always changing. People need to STOP and take a breath and accept that. And they would be so "HAPPY" if they would learn to float with the currant instead of always trying to swim up stream. See what I mean?
  I remember when my own children were small and my Mother or MIL telling something they did with their babies and how I should too. And I thought, "things have changed since the old days" ..Well same is true with our children.. " Things have changed!" And that is a good thing mostly. They are always learning new things to help babies and children be healthier and happier.   To me a wise person "ACCEPTS" change as part of growing and living!
  Thank you so much for sharing your story with me! I'm so glad that you and your DIL are now friends and things are good!
   Hugssss, Annie

Thanks so much Annie, I really love your outlook....bestest regards....

Hugs, Creme

[Sunny1]

Creme, I can relate to your story, I was a lot like your DIL when I had my first child, I thought she was a baby doll, LOL, was very jealous and over protective of her, didn't even want anybody to come near her, I quit working because I didn't want to leave her with anybody so if I thought that was the problem with my DIL I would understand and not feel so hurt. My DIL only displays that kind of behavior around us, she doesn't mind leaving GD at daycare or with anyone in her family. We did a good job raising our three children, by her admission, pure luck I suppose, but we can't be trusted with our GD. Well, at the present time we are trusted somewhat, every now and then, I guess because GD is older and starting to talk?
But, you're so right, we let the little things bother us and can't see past them and that ruins the relationship. For all we know our DIL could be afraid of us just like we are afraid of her, she may be waiting for us to make the first move towards mending the relationship just as we are waiting for her, however, because DS told us she didn't want to have anything to do with us and she even got angry at me for wishing her a "happy birthday" because she said I didn't mean it, we're afraid that whatever we do she's going to take it the wrong way.

guest1....I'm curious.  You stated that "For all we know our DIL could be afraid of us just like we are afraid of her, she may be waiting for us to make the first move towards mending the relationship just as we are waiting for her." Even though your DS said she wanted nothing to do with you, you chose to wish her a "happy birthday". Why do that instead of taking a more direct approach at mending the relationship by directly talking to her about your differences?

I'm asking this without completey remembering your entire situation, so bear with me, please. It caught my eye that you said that, because I'm dealing with something slightly similar.

[cremebrulee]

Creme, I can relate to your story, I was a lot like your DIL when I had my first child, I thought she was a baby doll, LOL, was very jealous and over protective of her, didn't even want anybody to come near her, I quit working because I didn't want to leave her with anybody so if I thought that was the problem with my DIL I would understand and not feel so hurt. My DIL only displays that kind of behavior around us, she doesn't mind leaving GD at daycare or with anyone in her family. We did a good job raising our three children, by her admission, pure luck I suppose, but we can't be trusted with our GD. Well, at the present time we are trusted somewhat, every now and then, I guess because GD is older and starting to talk?
But, you're so right, we let the little things bother us and can't see past them and that ruins the relationship. For all we know our DIL could be afraid of us just like we are afraid of her, she may be waiting for us to make the first move towards mending the relationship just as we are waiting for her, however, because DS told us she didn't want to have anything to do with us and she even got angry at me for wishing her a "happy birthday" because she said I didn't mean it, we're afraid that whatever we do she's going to take it the wrong way.

You are so right....

Guest, I wouldn't worry about her taking it the wrong way or not, as long as in your heart, you have no malace when you give her something or say something to her, and yanno what else, if you say something to her, like Happy Birthday and she says you don't mean it....you get in her face and say, yes I do, and hug her, and see what happens?  Even if she pulls away, so what...you are being you....

It seems as though your DIL is either very insecure, and/or wants and needs more attention then most do....

Guest, if you really believe that you cannot control how people feel, and just shrug it off, it's much easier to be the spontanious you of who you are....and it seems to me, as if she is looking for more attention from you....so give it to her....and when she puts herself down, in front of you, you tell her that is not true, and then tell her something that she has done well....let her know you notice....and your not just looking for the negative stuff, and if she then still doesn't respond...tough, then you've tried all you can....but don't be afraid of her...she is simply another fellow human being who doesn't know how to relate to you or take you....

big hugs
Creme

[Sunny1]

I'm loving this thread! Such good insight from everyone.

Creme, as always...great words of wisdom throughout....I'm learning a lot.

[cremebrulee]

I'm loving this thread! Such good insight from everyone.

Creme, as always...great words of wisdom throughout....I'm learning a lot.

pssst...so am I, actually, I'm just wingin it as I go....

I'm lovin this to....it's so great to communicate feelings when you know your not going to be judged for them...and we're all learning to accept each others points of view without getting insulted or hurt feelings...it's just another point of view....and not at all intended to hurt our feelings, but more so, communicate they'res...

hugs
creme

[Barbie]

Sunny, I tried to talk to DIL about our differences on a couple of occasions so did DH, it made her very angry and made things worse, she's very unapproachable, won't even look at us so now we hardly say a word to her but hi and bye and some insignificant stuff in between and things are a tiny bit better. Not only has DS said that she wants nothing to do with us but she acts like it, she doesn't want to get too personal with us, when we get her a gift she acts like she doesn't like/want it, we really don't know how to act around her.

And Creme, I think my DIL is both very insecure and needs a lot of attention, DS made a comment once that she was very high maintenance emocionally, another time he said she was a pain in the --- but he loves her.

I realize that I have made mistakes but I've tried to rectify them, she and her family have hurt us too more than I can say but I'm not one to stay angry at someone forever, I've done many things to make her feel good and welcome but get nowhere, the silent treatment and indifference seems to be working better for us for now, go figure...

[barelythere]

Sunny, I tried to talk to DIL about our differences on a couple of occasions so did DH, it made her very angry and made things worse, she's very unapproachable, won't even look at us so now we hardly say a word to her but hi and bye and some insignificant stuff in between and things are a tiny bit better. Not only has DS said that she wants nothing to do with us but she acts like it, she doesn't want to get too personal with us, when we get her a gift she acts like she doesn't like/want it, we really don't know how to act around her.

And Creme, I think my DIL is both very insecure and needs a lot of attention, DS made a comment once that she was very high maintenance emocionally, another time he said she was a pain in the --- but he loves her.

I realize that I have made mistakes but I've tried to rectify them, she and her family have hurt us too more than I can say but I'm not one to stay angry at someone forever, I've done many things to make her feel good and welcome but get nowhere, the silent treatment and indifference seems to be working better for us for now, go figure...

Guest,
I think what I'd try is to not engage her at all.  Just "hi" and "bye".  Don't let her think you are trying to win her.  That's the best piece of advice I ever got when dealing with not only my DILs but people who seem removed in general.  Actually, this whole ordeal has taught me so much!  I can't tell you! I have changed from a very sensitive person to one who hardly lets anything hurt them/me anymore.  Good for me...once in awhile it does but it's not a lasting thing anymore. 

I remember trying everything and nothing worked, just smirks and snide remarks...no telling what was said to our son.  So I disengaged all together.  I think it helped.  She has become more and more engaged with us even to the point of asking us to come live in their city near them.  No thank you but thank you!  I appreciate being wanted now.  I think as her sons grow, she's seeing that it's not so easy knowing she might be pushed out of their lives like she did us. 

Hang on.......disengage.  Stand strong.