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Holidays

Started by Rose, October 15, 2010, 03:27:32 PM

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luise.volta

It makes sense to me because forgiveness is one thing and trust is something entirely different. Once it is broken, it is gone.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Louey0727

Dear Rose:
I read and read over your posts about your MIL, and I thought I heard every type of problem regarding families, but this tops them all.
All I can say, is your MIL is not stable and has unnatural mental conditions (I won't say crazy, as this word is seldom said now a days).  There is something definitely wrong with her and if you want to keep your sanity, which I find you seem to handle well, stay far away from her.  Forget she even exists that she is only a figment of your imagination.  You must keep yourself healthy in mind and spirit and I plead with you, to use every bit of strength in you, to dismiss her as the plague.
Sorry for sounding so calous, but how you put up with this woman for so long, put's you in my books as a "saint".

Nana

Annie

I also think that what goes around, comes around. 

You are nevertheless a wonderful human being.  I have a wonderful mil who loves my children with all her heart.  But I am not sure that if she had treated my children badly, I would have been able to support them in their golden years.  I want to think I would but I am not sure.  I can forgive anyone for wrongdoing me, but not my children. 

You have a big heart Annie....I am so glad Luise have such good people in this forum.

Your husband is very hurt and probably it is what you think....maybe not....but it was something big.... try to convince him to forgive his mom.....because he needs to make peace with her in order to have his own peace.

Wishing you the best.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

miss_priss

QuoteHe says it does no good to talk to her face to face or on the phone as she insists she never has done the things he's seen and heard her do.  He's always refused to read the letters and cards because he claims they are drama filled toxic waste.


Rose - Your husband knows his mother WAY better than you do.  If he chooses to ignore her, chooses not to spend holidays with her, chooses to have nothing to do with her...then follow his lead.  She sounds like a horrid person, and it doesn't sound like its an "uncontrollable" mental illness such as dimentia or alzheimer's.  It's too cold and calculated to be uncontrollable.  Your husband sees that, his eyes are open to it, and you should be so thankful for that because so many men believe, even 'til the death of your marriage, that "Mumsy" is completely innocent and "awwww, she didn't mean anything by it, that's just how she is."  So many men play the "passive third party," inconveniently caught in the middle by default, and they step back to let DIL take the heat from Mumsy.  Thank your lucky stars that his eyes are open and that he feels the need to protect his family from her.  If he chooses to cut her off, you have to remember that he's spent his entire life dealing the messes and situations she creates.  HE KNOWS what she's capable and incapable of.  Trust him, and follow his lead.  And dear, it will always be your fault to her, but I'm sure you already realize that.

I am facing a similar situation with my MIL right now, although she and DH have only been estranged a few months.  I know that the call will come soon (from FIL or SIL, never MIL), where they will first ask WHEN we are planning to come up for Christmas, then second, flip out when we say we have no plans of coming there for Christmas, or Thanksgiving for that matter.  Then, MIL will hear of it and will publicly lash out on Facebook in all-caps statuses and posting on other's pages how "lucky they are to have their families home for the holidays because her DIL won't let her DS come home and now she'll be all alone."  And the saga continues. 

And whoever said that you shouldn't lie to your children when she does mean things to them or treats them unequally, really REALLY hit it on the head.  Children are so perceptive, they are little "balls of emotions" and sometimes they don't understand their own feelings and emotions ("But Grandma says she loves me, why did she give me a broken toy?  Why did she give my cousin such a better toy?  I don't understand, but I'm sad.")  We parents can help them with that by being honest with them.  Some people are put on this earth, I believe, to serve to better humanity by setting the "bad example."  Your children can learn from her bad behavior, but not if you justify it and make it ok for them.  Point it out to them and say "when we don't treat our loved ones equally, it hurts their feelings.  Let's remember this and remember to treat our friends and loved ones equally and with lots of love and caring."  And if you must do that in front of MIL, then so be it.  However, chances are that she won't learn anything from it.  I would think that people who admittedly use death threats to get their way aren't too concerned with being embarrassed, she may not even understand that concept.

My guess would be that her "concern" over having her family home for the holidays falls somewhere between keeping up the appearance that her "perfect" family will all be home for Christmas, which will make others envious of her, and not wanting to be alone on Christmas.  If you've been in this situation for 25 years, I'd say you and DH can pretty much predict what will happen, and why set yourselves and your children up for heartache when you can have a lovely Christmas without her?  I'm all about 2nd chances....but I wear out quickly after about the 100th one.   

Annie123

Quote from: Nana on October 18, 2010, 12:42:00 AM
Annie

I also think that what goes around, comes around. 

You are nevertheless a wonderful human being.  I have a wonderful mil who loves my children with all her heart.  But I am not sure that if she had treated my children badly, I would have been able to support them in their golden years.  I want to think I would but I am not sure.  I can forgive anyone for wrongdoing me, but not my children. 

You have a big heart Annie....I am so glad Luise have such good people in this forum.

Your husband is very hurt and probably it is what you think....maybe not....but it was something big.... try to convince him to forgive his mom.....because he needs to make peace with her in order to have his own peace.

Wishing you the best.

Love

Thank you very Nana, And yes for his own peace of mind and heart I do wish my DH was able to at least go on to his parents home and spend time with his Father who won't be here much longer. Even MIL is really doing bad these days.
But I have had NO LUCK at all trying to get him to confide in me what the problem is or what did happen up there that night? That is one of the main reasons I don't push to hard. I know this man and have loved him for over 25 years. He has a heart of Gold and is a man of his word. ALWAYS! So that tells me it was something really , really bad!  Because like I said we have really been through the wringer with our own children because of his Mother's rather cold heart and shallow soul!
I do what I have to do so that I can live with myself. But you are right about it being hard because of the history with my own children and now grandchild.
And Miss Priss, It was my Father who said to tell the children the truth and not lie to them. He was a wise man and Holy Man also! I miss him everyday and he has been gone over 14 yrs. now! I was blessed that I learned what it meant to be a good parent from him as well as my Mother! I used to say all the time how I would make the WORST Oprah guest in history. Because I have not one  complaint about my Parents,Brothers,or Sisters. I have been VERY blessed in that area!  I have Parents who never ever put anything except God in front of their Children. They always loved,cared and protected me with all that they had. I owe them everything and I will always be grateful!
I've read many stories on these sites. Some of them just break your heart in two! I know when raising my children I always stressed how important your family is. I told them this over and over growing up. And I showed them by example when I could by taking care of sick family and being there if needed by family. And I think it has worked? I have seen already things that have happened since they have grown up and I'm always proud to say that no matter what my boys have been there for their brothers when they needed them.
And also blessed so far with DILs who love us I think and are family to us now and they would do the same for them.
  One DIL I have, "bless her heart" came from a very broken family tree. Where her and her sister always have been an after thought to Parents that are only concerned for what they have and how much. She told me it really took getting used to at first being in our family. She said that she never saw Parents that no matter what "Right or Wrong" would never give up on their kids and always help all they could with no strings attached. She said at first she was worried thinking what's the catch? Then she saw how it was as time when on and feels lucky to have that kind of love. Made us feel so good to hear that from her! But her and I are close.. I do love her very much!

Rose

Thank you for all the replies I have read and reread them over and over.  So much good information and knowing that I'm not in this boat alone helps so much.

I know that I have a wonderful DH I never take him for granted.  I appreciate that he sees his M is hurtful both to me and our kids.  He is not cold and callous to his M either.  Even when we tried to explain things to her that what she does is mean in a letter he told her he loved her but that he needs her to stop showing up and doing things that hurt us all.  If we see MIL in person he is nice to her.  I think this is where she gets the impression that it is all me. 

I've been reading another post on this board and the MIL's are discussing pulling back.  I'm wondering if MIL gives us space for the rest of the year and thinks the holidays are her reward.  I try to find the good in her, there must be some...right?

luise.volta

I think she has put her "good" in mothballs!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Nana

good?  very well hidden perhaps lol.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

luise.volta

Well, she said "I try to find the - good - in her!" ???
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama