Hello everyone - problems with my 21 year old daughter

[luise.volta]

Sending love...

[Nana]

I agree.   You are very angry now.  Anger is speaking.  Calm down and think things over.  We do give a lot to our children and gc.  But of we give and let go......we should never expect nothing back.....we do deserve respect which your daughter is not giving you and is defenitely very rude to you.  I would never have told mom....not to call me ever; that I would call when I had time.  You have all the right to distanced yourself from her, but dont threaten her or be nasty with her.   You cant put yourself to her level....because you are being just like her. 

Be happy....show her that you dont need her....and she will come back.  Daughters always come back lol.

Remember:  Give her the space....and give yourself your space and time to forgive her.
Wishing you the best

[MotherOf3]

I agree that they always come back unless there are MAJOR problems that have gone on for a long time.

Give her space to see for herself how she needs you.  Young people are focused on their own lives, finding their place in the world, in their relationships.  They don't stay our "children" forever, or they shouldn't.  I believe the relationship should change to a more equal one, more of friends, though you will always be her mother.  Think back to the days of being a young woman/wife/mother yourself and maybe how you resented someone treating you like you didn't know a thing. 

Being a mother doesn't give us license to be critical and demanding.  If someone is like that to us, we would probably limit the time we spent with that person whether they are family or not.  Don't put yourself in the position of being the one they avoid.  You raise them and let them go to be their own person and make their own decisions and maybe even mistakes.  There is no, "I told you so.", just be there to comfort them and support them if they need you.

I have a wonderful relationship with my children.  They call and talk with me several times a week, they invite me to visit, even sleep-overs.  Just last weekend I stayed with my single daughter, we went and got a pedicure, had lunch, got snacks and wine, and talked around the kitchen table.  My son showed up and we played cards and laughed until we hurt.  They are my friends too.

Love them freely with no strings attached and advise only if it's asked for.

[Nanci49]

Being a mother and a grandmother is ALL Iv'e done - I have prided myself in those kids - and for what?
To be used and abused? AND I never said I had a license to critisize an demand ANYTHING! In fact, I was NOT critical to her NOR demanding.
She should have enough respect to honor what she said she would do. She should also have enough respect for me to make me not walk on eggshells -
I'm just gonna give her a taste of her own medicine THIS TIME !
I havent called her or anything, i am leaving her alone and WHEN she comes back, it isnt gonna be so easy for her next time - I have to take a stand and protect myself this time around !
She's is ALL DONE walking on me and abusing me!
She's done it for years and I've had enough!
I have to take care of myself now!

[MotherOf3]

Nanci,

I know you are hurt and angry and it's understandable.  My youngest daughter and I have had our moments and our share of arguments.  I supported her and her children for several years in my home and I felt that she disrespected MY house and me.  I felt like I was over a barrel and couldn't do anything about it, like kick her out, because that would be hurting my grandchildren.  Two women in a house can take a lot of give and take and I felt like I was doing all the giving.

She moved out a couple of years ago and that was really for the best.  She needed her own home to rule over and I needed my own space back.

Let your daughter live her own life but don't punish her for it.  Yes, you need to protect yourself but rather than in an angry way, do it from a position of strength.  You don't have to accept being walked all over and YOU teach people how to treat you.  If she yells at you, tell her calmly and assertively that you can talk when she isn't so angry and end the conversation.  Keep in touch, maybe once a month give her a call and speak pleasantly.  No, "When am I going to see you?" No, "Why haven't you called me?"  Tell her you miss her and hope all is going well.

Find a hobby to do, if you don't already.  I sew and make quilts and belong to groups.  Do things that take you outside yourself and give you pleasure.

[cremebrulee]

Mother of 3, I agree, and think that's good advice....

[jill]

Dear Motherof3,

I really like your advice and am going to try to apply it to my situation.  I have had no contact with my older daughter for almost 2 months, and am going to phone her just to see how she is, and how my gd is, without any demands at all. I miss them very much.

Nanci,

I know you are hurt and angry and it's understandable.  My youngest daughter and I have had our moments and our share of arguments.  I supported her and her children for several years in my home and I felt that she disrespected MY house and me.  I felt like I was over a barrel and couldn't do anything about it, like kick her out, because that would be hurting my grandchildren.  Two women in a house can take a lot of give and take and I felt like I was doing all the giving.

She moved out a couple of years ago and that was really for the best.  She needed her own home to rule over and I needed my own space back.

Let your daughter live her own life but don't punish her for it.  Yes, you need to protect yourself but rather than in an angry way, do it from a position of strength.  You don't have to accept being walked all over and YOU teach people how to treat you.  If she yells at you, tell her calmly and assertively that you can talk when she isn't so angry and end the conversation.  Keep in touch, maybe once a month give her a call and speak pleasantly.  No, "When am I going to see you?" No, "Why haven't you called me?"  Tell her you miss her and hope all is going well.

Find a hobby to do, if you don't already.  I sew and make quilts and belong to groups.  Do things that take you outside yourself and give you pleasure.

[Nanci49]

I HAVE done all these things for YEARS with her and still she treats me poorly!
Everything you all have advised for me to do I have DONE a dozen times over if not once!

I guess there's a time in your life when you have to take a stand and not take it anymore!
I guess this is " My stand "

I guess I didn't teach her at a younger age to treat me better -

I just hope that her son doesn't do the same to her as she has to me and her sons father's mother!

I hope she has 5 just like her! 

ps

I never have demanded she talk to me either - WHENEVER I called her or emailed her or had her on Facebook it was ALWAYS " Hey how are you and my grandson" ?
She only replied when she wanted to which was hardley ever unless she wanted something from me!

[Nanci49]

HA!

My Grandson told me he wanted to come live with me the last we talked on skype and he missed me , my daughter cut us off right then!   Haven't talked to them since!
LOL
SHE needs meds!

[MotherOf3]

Nanci,

It probably made you feel good for your grandson to say that but, imagine how it made his mother feel.  Rejected, unloved, resentful, and maybe insecure in her roll of mother.  Wow... I can imagine how hurt I would be if one of my children said they wanted to live with grandma!!  She is only 21 and has a LOT of maturing to do still.  I hope you didn't encourage him but rather said how much you love him AND mommy and that you would be glad for THEM to visit or to visit THEM.  This would re-enforce to him and to her that you have their best interests at heart and that you are not in competition for the child's affection.

No matter how your daughter was raised, she is an adult now and is responsible for herself.  And just becuase she is your child doesn't mean that you need to accept the brunt of her actions.  Give it time and distance and do for yourself what makes you happy.

[Nanci49]

I only said to my grandson when he said that " awww that's sweet honey but mommy would miss you"
And it was left at that - so - if she wants to continue to act like a child and throw tantrums because she's mad her b/f went on a road trip with his buddy for 2 weeks then I can't say anything about it or do anything about it -
Ya know - if this was the first time she did this to me I don't think id be as PO'd as I am but this is one of MANY TIMES she's done this to me AND the other grandmother!
She's asserting and exercising control and she's gonna lose later in life when she's all alone with nobody!
Her b/f and her ex b/f already are calling her the B word LOL
SO what Can I say!?
I say " never again " will she be allowed to treat me that way -
It is MY TURN to enjoy my freedom and im gonna do just that -

Thank you ladies !!

[luise.volta]

With every Declaration of Independence there's probably fall-out. It's time to heal. Do something wonderful for yourself. Sending love...

[Nanci49]

I think the anger and hurt I DO feel is part of the healing process for me. Perhaps if i DIDN'T have that " anger " and hurt - then I'd be still getting walked on and abused !

I disagree with you Laurie - I think the anger and the hurt is gonna teach me how to heal THIS TIME around!!

[luise.volta]

We are all so different. I have to experience my anger and hurt before I can move on. I need to vent, be heard and be understood...(not necessarily agreed with.) It's a process for me and I always come out the other side when I do it honestly. The "other side" doesn't always look the same but (again for me) it reflects movement and promotes healing. Sending love...

[Nanci49]

Your suggestion is great, however it will only work if she'll talk to me. However, she wont so until she does.
I guess it's a done deal!
I just cant worry about it anymore and i have to take a " I dont give a crap attitude " until she does.
She lives on a 1 way street and always has and the whole time ive had a 2 way street and NO relationship can work like that!!