Hello everyone - problems with my 21 year old daughter

[Nanci49]

Where do I begin?   It's hard!

Well - she has done it again!    Pushed me out of her life!
Rude , disrespectful and hateful!

Since September I've been emailing her, calling her and no answer - Then I got her on Facebook and left her a message!

Our conversation was this :
I said :
why are you hurting me like this?

She said :

are you serious mom? I'm not hurting you in any way, your the one being ridiculous right now....acting like a dam child because you can't get a hold of me! I told you I was busy, why don't you understand the meaning of that....i picked up hours at the store, which you got the number some how & im not sure how but please don't call the store, they get very busy down there & don't need it! I will call you when i have some time, so please stop calling my cell phone non stop & the house too it's getting too much & im not getting anything done! It has nothing to do with you, so please stop thinking it does.

THEN - she blocked me off her facebook !
She still will not answer the phone or contact me !

I am devastated and don't know what to do!

[cremebrulee]

Hi Nancy and welcome...

Are you calling her a lot? 

It sounds to me, like she's told you what is wrong...she's working more hours and tired and she just really wants to relax...

Nancy, I'm on the phone all day, and let me tell you, the last thing I want to do when I get home from work is be on the phone....the time I do have is quality time and very important to me....and maybe your daughter feels like this? 

Why not try to leave her go for a bit, give her some space and let her contact you when she is ready? 

Even if your not calling her as much as she has said, give her some space, maybe she's going thru a hormonal thing and right now, she just doesn't want to deal with mom?  Does that make any sense? 

that is a tough  age sometimes....I will tell you the truth, I'm so glad I had a son instead of a daughter, as I've heard horror stories, however, once they get married and have children, I've also heard they come back home.....

hugs
Creme

[Nanci49]

Nah! She's full of it! Let me tell you this happens with her more often than not and I've only called her 2 times! emailed her 2 times!
She only works 3 hrs a day!

She also told someone on facebook " You are so lucky to have your grandaughter in your life, I wish I had that for my son"!

Let me tell you - THIS girl is a liar! She and my 4 year old grandson just left here after a 7 day visit in July for my grandsons 4th birthday -
I took them ALL over the place and spent tons of money I didn't have on them!

She also told me that I was the best grandmother ever and now she does this?:!

Last time she did this it lasted over 2 years!

[elsieshaye]

Nanci,  I know you would like to speak with your daughter, and I'm sure there's a lot more going on than just the piece you shared with us.  This is a really good place to vent all the things that are hurting and upsetting you about your relationship with your daughter - it's good to be able to get all that out so that when you talk to her you can feel less upset and have more choices about how to handle things.

For the specific issue you mentioned, though, I think the most effective thing you can do is exactly what she asked you to do - stop calling so often, and never call her at work.  I know it's difficult, and that you feel very hurt and disrespected.  But right now it seems that the first step is to get to a point where your daughter is willing to talk to you again, and since she's told you in part what's upsetting her (calling her more often than she is comfortable with and calling her at work), if you can meet her halfway on that she may be willing to start responding more to you.    Sending you good thoughts.

[Nanci49]

She is all about herself! There is absolutely no half way with her!

I have been walking on eggshells with her for years and I can't do it anymore!

I am walking away from her until she has at least SOME respect for me!

She is out of control!

By the way - The real reason I needed to talk to her is because my 4 year old grandson killed their parakeet by squishing it - she told me the head popped off!
I wanted to make sure she took him to the Dr. which she never did!
THAT is not normal behavior for anyone let alone a 4 year old!

[barelythere]

She is all about herself! There is absolutely no half way with her!

I have been walking on eggshells with her for years and I can't do it anymore!

I am walking away from her until she has at least SOME respect for me!

She is out of control!

By the way - The real reason I needed to talk to her is because my 4 year old grandson killed their parakeet by squishing it - she told me the head popped off!
I wanted to make sure she took him to the Dr. which she never did!
THAT is not normal behavior for anyone let alone a 4 year old!

Nanci,
Bless your heart!  I don't know what is the matter with her but something sure is.  I wish I could help. I just want to make sure you are welcomed.  I can tell I'm going to like you.  My kind of person. Something will happen to make you know what is going on.  In the meantime, no, the head off the bird is not good and shows real anger, real anger.

[Pen]

Yikes. I know it's hard to let go, but she sounds like she needs some space to figure out the grown-up thing. You've done all you can. I understand how worried you are; that parakeet episode is a major red flag. But, she's in charge; maybe when she realizes that she's truly on her own she'll get her act together. In the meantime let's hope your GC is OK. Best wishes and keep posting.

[Nanci49]

Ah yea! I know that! And that kid needs to go to " some kind of dr " to make sure he is OK!
AND even IF it was an accident - he KNOWS he killed that bird and it must be tramatic for him -
He needs to go see someone and she won't take him!
I DID , however, after she wouldn't talk to me for over a month, threaten to report that incident among several other incidents to the appropriate agencies!
THEN, I sent her an email back saying " Look , I am not gonna call anybody - I just want to make sure everyone there is OK "
STILL NO RESPONSE from her! NONE!

[Nanci49]

So the bottom line is " she doesn't give a rats behind who she hurts"
I have to work on me and get healthy for ME now !

I was told by someone she was gonna get a restraining order LOL
SO I am anxiously awaiting that one because when and IF she does that - ALL bets are off and I WILL INDEED make those phone calls!

[Nanci49]

Here is what I emailed her yesterday after I saw her post on someones facebook!

Still NO response from her ! It will also give you an idea of the " other happenings "



Someone contacted me and told me "your son" MY Grandson doesn't have a grandmother and you wish he did!

Let me tell you! YOU are the ONE who said for YEARS that I was the ONLY grandmother and the BEST grandmother edit name had!
I have YEARS of pictures to prove it too!
YOU are making stories up and name edited will ALWAYS have me!
It's NOT my fault you " shut me out of your lives " AGAIN!
And in your words for nothing - I have bent over backwards for you and to get treated like this is reprehensible.

How many times a day have I called and tried to get you to talk to me without ANY responses from you at all!
Did you get bad treatment when you visited us the two times you were here?

You have treated me very poorly and now to find out you're saying you wish Jay had a grandmother kills me!  I have ALWAYS been a great grandmother to edited, those are your words to me and others,
YOU changed this NOT ME!
Ive always been there for the both of you and even edited and even edited. Even when you found maggots in your house and when he was in trouble with his driving.
OR when Jay killed the bird under Nicks watch. I did what you asked me to and not talk about it. I was very concerned and you shrugged it off!
I even offered edited a car for FREE when he was using YOURS because he didn't have ONE! After he wrecked yours! He declined the offer and you were mad - REMEMBER?
I paid for your trips here , given to you when you asked. Took care of you and my grandson both.
So if you don;t want Jay to have me as a grandmother anymore that is not on me, it's on YOU and YOU OWN IT!
Ive tried ! And Tried and tried! You just have ZERO respect for me and I can't help that anymore, you're a grown woman and make your own choices in life.

You;'re gonna do what you're gonna do - all I can say is, I hope the saying doesn't come true that you only pay for your raising when you raise your own, I hope your son doesn't pay you back the same way as you've paid me back.

[elsieshaye]

I think your idea to put a little space between you and her is a good one, to give you time to heal, and to give her some time to figure things out.

[Nanci49]

She can have ALL the space she wants now! I can't let her treat me like this anymore!
She can have the rest of her life away from me if she wants!

[Nanci49]

Where is the edit button?

As far as that threat I made - Well - As I said in an earlier post " I am not calling anybody " I told her I was mad and angry when I made that statement! " That is exactly what I told her !
She knows I'm not gona call anyone!
I've tried for ages to keep the lines of communications open - she has always been full of empty promises and lies when it came to talking to my grandson on Skype!
In fact she said " mom, i bought a new laptop and we can skype now, once a week at least "
Ya Right! She's full of it.
And you're right - She is too toxic for me!
I am leaving her alone and won't contact her and when she contacts me again, I will not let her in this time around without boundaries, she'll agree to them and then break them again anyway!
Her word is no good!
I am just sick n tired of her abuse, and if she gets a restraining on me , that's throwing the first punch - and i will defend myself and notify the proper agencies of all my concerns and make reports

[MotherOf3]

I am just sick n tired of her abuse, and if she gets a restraining on me , that's throwing the first punch - and i will defend myself and notify the proper agencies of all my concerns and make reports

First you say that you threatened to call the authorities if she didn't do what you think she should, then say that was an empty threat.  Now, you say that if she does get a RO on you, that you will.  That sounds like pure revenge and retaliation to me because she isn't acting as YOU want her to.

You need to step back.  Stop calling her multiple times a day and DEMANDING that she speak with you.  Your daughter is a grown woman with a child, no longer a child herself that needs her mother telling her how to act, live her life, or parent her child.  Continuing on this path is going to do nothing but drive her and her child away.  Stop demanding that you deserve your due as her mother and a grandmother.

It's as simple as this.  Stop doing things for her that you feel should make her obligated to you.  If you do things just because YOU want to, with no strings attached, then her "gratitude" or lack of has no impact. 

I am a mother and a grandmother and I do a lot of things for my 3 children.  I expect NOTHING in return for these things.  Absolutely nothing!  I don't hold it over their heads or use it to guilt them into doing what I want them to do.

Finally, if my mother had ever thretened to call the authorities on me about my children, that would be the last time she threatened me or had access to my children.

[RedRose]

Hi Nanci49,

I truly understand how you feel...but you need to step back and relax for a while...you need to let go of some of your anger. Leave her alone for a while. Go out with your friends and enjoy your self.

What MotherOf3 said is true too..."If my mother had ever thretened to call the authorities on me about my children, that would be the last time she threatened me or had access to my children."

Is this a risk you really want to take?