Author Topic: Should I be worried?  (Read 2794 times)

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Offline Barbie

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Should I be worried?
« on: September 29, 2010, 03:30:54 PM »
We are very much “the other grandparents”, our GD is so much closer to all of DIL’s family than she is to us, she’s getting older and pretty soon she’ll start to pick up on the hatred her mother feels towards us and I’m afraid she’ll never be close to us and might even despise us in the future.  She’s our only GD and we have never been in this type of situation. Has anyone had experience with this and if so how do you handle it?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2010, 03:59:06 PM »
All I know is it's probably going to unfold without your being able to influence the outcome. What a helpless feeling. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline jill

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2010, 04:39:54 PM »
Hi Guest1,
I am in the same situation with my GD, I miss her terribly. She is my daughter's child, and I never dreamed my granddaughter would be taken out of my life, but my daughter has cut me out of her life. I tried emailing my GD but she did not reply, I guess her mother would not let her.  I cry about it daily. She is much closer to her other grandparents, and I think she realises how her mother feels about me.  Sorry I have no advice, I am having a hard time handling all this.

Offline Barbie

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2010, 06:00:22 PM »
I have a lot of support from my DH and 2 other children, they seem to be able to handle this whole thing so much better than I, I think what hurts me the most is that my DS and I were very close before he met DIL and I cannot believe he can do this, I was doing a lot better before I saw my GD interacting with DIL's family, she wouldn't come near us. That really hurt!

Offline Pen

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2010, 06:09:15 PM »
One cut-off GM here shared that she was keeping a memory book for her GD anyway. In the book she included the cards she couldn't mail, loving thoughts, photos, etc. She's hoping her GD will seek her out when she gets older and will be able to see how much she was loved.

Some GMs here have signed up to volunteer with children at hospitals, schools or shelters. It can't replace seeing your own GC, but it might give you some peace in the midst of such sadness.

I'm soaking up everyone's good ideas against the day it might happen to me. I may have been caught off guard the first time (DIL's instant behavior switch post-wedding) but I'll be danged if it's going to happen to me again!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2010, 06:23:00 PM »
Yes. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!" Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Nana

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #6 on: September 30, 2010, 07:43:19 PM »
Jill

My heart is with you.   We love those kids so much....whew.....  How can those parents be blinded what they are doing to their gc......  missing all that love .....   

Guest 1

I would have been very jealous and hurt too, to see how my grandchildren interacting with other grandparents does ignoring us .  All these will make you stronger.  Poor insensitive children of ours, they too will pass through these..... then....they will fully understand what they did to you. 
You hold on.....  when you love (for instance now your gc)  and is pure love, they will get it and cant avoid loving you too.  It doesnt matter now..... times will say....they might even end up loving you folks more...you never know.

I am calling upon divine justice for all the good mil that are in these painful situation.  I am a believer.....

God Bless you all my friends
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline Barbie

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #7 on: September 30, 2010, 08:07:03 PM »
Nana, I love the way you express yourself. You always give such positive advice. When we first started to have problems with DIL I thought the day DS becomes a father he will understand what true love is and how parents go to any length for our children, well, now he's a father and I'm not sure he understands that concept yet, but I too am a believer that what goes around comes around and I hope he sees the light before it's too late.

Offline Nana

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #8 on: September 30, 2010, 09:34:47 PM »
Guest 1

Thanks for appreciating my input.
You will see that things will change.  It may take some time. 
When I had my first child, I loved my mom more because until then I realized how much a mother loves his children.  It was not your son's awakening time yet. 
Life has a way of putting us in our place.


Wishing you the best always
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline Barbie

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #9 on: October 01, 2010, 07:15:29 AM »
Pen, I just read your post above and I think that’s a very good idea. Unfortunately I gave DIL a lot of beautiful things that I had made and collected for GD before GD was born, I have no idea what she did with most of it, never seen them, one time I asked DS and he said THEY were keeping it in a box to show GD when she was older.
I was a total fool by thinking DS wouldn’t do that to us, we had a room in our house for GD that everyone thought was a dream, fit for a princess, she slept there a few times but in her own ugly playpen that they still bring when they come, I went as far as to decorate it on Christmas with a pink table-top Christmas tree, a princess stocking, Santa, yes, I exaggerate, I go all out in everything I do, I think DIL liked it when she first saw it but won’t give me the satisfaction of saying it, maybe because her mother is not into these things and she has to be loyal to her mother, whatever. I do take pictures of everything that I do for GD now and keep them in a photo album that I made for her, just recently we put a small playground for her in our backyard that she hasn’t seen yet, DS said he was going to bring her sometime this month. DS seems happy when we do things for GD but it wears out fast once he tells DIL.
We think that someday when we have other GC from our other kids, DS will be jealous when he sees all that we’ll do for them that we cannot do for his children then he’ll complain.

Offline Nana

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #10 on: October 01, 2010, 10:04:36 AM »
Guest 1

Yes, your son will get jealous (also) dil, when you have other grandkids to enjoy.   You too will not worry so much, cause you will have other gc to share all the love with.

So with this in mind, hold on there. 

Your son does not like to confront her but he too is missing a lot.   
Good luck
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #11 on: October 02, 2010, 01:32:58 PM »
Pen, I just read your post above and I think that’s a very good idea. Unfortunately I gave DIL a lot of beautiful things that I had made and collected for GD before GD was born, I have no idea what she did with most of it, never seen them, one time I asked DS and he said THEY were keeping it in a box to show GD when she was older.
I was a total fool by thinking DS wouldn’t do that to us, we had a room in our house for GD that everyone thought was a dream, fit for a princess, she slept there a few times but in her own ugly playpen that they still bring when they come, I went as far as to decorate it on Christmas with a pink table-top Christmas tree, a princess stocking, Santa, yes, I exaggerate, I go all out in everything I do, I think DIL liked it when she first saw it but won’t give me the satisfaction of saying it, maybe because her mother is not into these things and she has to be loyal to her mother, whatever. I do take pictures of everything that I do for GD now and keep them in a photo album that I made for her, just recently we put a small playground for her in our backyard that she hasn’t seen yet, DS said he was going to bring her sometime this month. DS seems happy when we do things for GD but it wears out fast once he tells DIL.
We think that someday when we have other GC from our other kids, DS will be jealous when he sees all that we’ll do for them that we cannot do for his children then he’ll complain.

Do you think it's possible she feels you are overstepping your boundaries?  Did they bring the playpen because the crib you had in the room was possibly old enough to have lead paint or not meet safety standards?  I can't say why your dil feels that way, but it would be interesting to know if you asked before you did any of these things.  (Yes...I know it's all done at your house and no one can tell you what to do at your home...but the parents have the authority to say whether the child can participate or not.)

Before I possibly get slammed...I'm just asking the questions...not intending to attack.

Offline Barbie

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #12 on: October 03, 2010, 05:33:01 PM »
 We have no idea how she feels, we think she liked it at first but it's like she doesn't want to give in...  We didn’t think to ask, to us it’s normal for grandparents to want to spoil their grandchildren.

The idea of the room came about for several reasons but mainly because:
.  They live a couple of hours away and when they visit they always stay at least one night, sometimes more, we were trying to make it easy for them so they didn’t have to bring so much stuff when they came.
. Our own children never knew what it was like to be spoiled by their GP’s  since they past away before they were born and we wanted our GD to have that opportunity.

 Everything was brand new and has been put away for future GC as nothing was used, the room is back to being a spare bedroom and that’s ok. Although those things were meant for our first GD, my other 2 children will appreciate them when they decide to have their own kids.

Once again I want to say that we don't meddle in anything that they do and always abide by their rules. When at their house I don't touch anything, don't dirty anything. If DS has a question about something he knows he can call us, we always wait for DS to call us, invite us, etc.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2010, 05:42:51 PM by guest1 »

Offline Barbie

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #13 on: October 03, 2010, 07:30:25 PM »
Laurie, I was told that in this forum some time ago, by then we had put everything away already. We really didn't mean any harm, on the contrary, we thought it was a wonderful thing. A few of our friends/family have done it and no one has given it a second thought.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Should I be worried?
« Reply #14 on: October 03, 2010, 08:30:29 PM »
My original MIL and FIL did that and I/we thought it was spectacular. She taught school and kept him over night every Saturday. We got to run and play with our friends and sleep in Sunday morning and we thought it was heavenly. They didn't ask. I was a gift from the heart. And my son thought he was a prince twice over.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher