Author Topic: What You Did Wrong  (Read 3678 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

kathleen

  • Guest
What You Did Wrong
« on: September 29, 2010, 02:41:17 PM »
Hello all suffering MIL's.

I've noticed a "thread" in so many of your posts, and mine.  And that is, "What Did I do Wrong?"  In other words, how did you personally cause this situation with your son and daughter-in-law?  What could you have done differently?  And aren't these questions ammunition for many a stomach-grinding thought at midnight or 3 AM, whatever is your preferred time for insomnia in regard to your adult child (children?)

Well, I can tell you now, because of a divine vision that finally showed me the way.  And the answer is, "You Cannot Win." 

Because:

1---If you disciplined your child and set high standards, you are guilty of abuse.  If you were lax and let your kids do what they wanted, you were
neglectful.

2---If you or your husband worked too much outside the family, you or your husband (or both) didn't spend enough time with your accusing child.  If you were a Stay-at-Home Mom or Dad, you deprived the family of the economic benefits of full employment.

3---If you only took vacations when husband or you could do it around work, you are guilty of not fully spending time with the family.  If you only took vacations you could really afford, such as at a crummy old-fashioned fishing cabin, you deprived your children of International Experiences.

4---If you let your kids participate in injury-prone sports, you are guilty of not caring about your child's physical health.  If you didn't allow your kids to participate in sports where they could get hurt, you are guilty of not giving them the freedom to pursue their interests.

5---If you were an anti-gun parent and didn't allow even play guns in the house, you are guilty of separating them from their friends' play.  If you allowed play guns in the house, you are guilty of letting your children feel that violence is OK.

6---If you allowed them to watch more than two hours of TV per day, you are guilty of allowing them to watch too much TV.  If you didn't allow them to watch TV at all, you are guilty of keeping them outside of their childhood peers.

7---If you allowed them to go to McDonald's, you are guilty of their weight problems as adults.  If you didn't allow them to go to McDonald's you are guilty of taking away the greatest restaurant childhood fun.

I am sure that many of you can add significantly to this list, but the answer to "What did I do wrong?" is this:  no matter what you did right or wrong, you are GUILTY!

In other words, those who look to assign guilt and blame, without looking at themselves or what it means to be a parent, will definitely find that ounce of dust after you have washed the entire floor on your hands and knees.  They will find that tiny speck and make it into a big balloon of blame and the reason why they owe us nothing but their contempt.  But some day, as Pete Seeger says, they may wind up and find they're a parent, too.  Then, Katy bar the door, because their children will be asking why they treated one set of grandparents so very differently from the other.  And that, my friends, is a no-win situation.

Kathleen

Offline Nana

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 762
    • View Profile
Re: What You Did Wrong
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2010, 03:08:43 PM »
Kathleen

Excellent post. 

Yes whatever we did.....we were wrong. 

We should put this into our heads......we did our best.....it is not our fault.... There are outside factors that we cannot control.  Who they meet, who they play with, the neighbors....you name it.  Even their genes.....We raised our children in he same house, environment and rules and they all grow to be different.  So the same happened with us and our siblings.

So lets put our heads high........we are dream mothers.....wiith nightmare results.

Thanks for posting Kathleen.  I love it!


Hugs

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline Barbie

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 295
    • View Profile
Re: What You Did Wrong
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2010, 03:42:27 PM »
Yes Kathleen, I think of myself as a good mother, my kids were my life, I was over protective, didn't work, didn't leave them with anyone, raised them the exact same way and the're all so different and the one who was closest to me is the one that has hurt me the most.

LaurieS

  • Guest
Re: What You Did Wrong
« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2010, 08:05:44 PM »
I appreciated your post Kathleen and to an extent it makes sense, it does seem at times that you simply can't win.

What I've noticed as a difference between our parents and our own parenting skills is pretty simple. We did not grow up with this sense of entitlement that seems to plague so many.  My parents basically said, if you want it.. work for it.  I did not have a new car waiting in the driveway for my 16th birthday, and never was I allowed to partake in activities that were not age appropriate.  I had curfews, expectations and a heck of a lot of demands placed on me.  When I failed at something we talked about why I failed, and how not to fail in the future... we didn't butter coat it and make it someone else's fault. 

Seems like many have taken those lessons that made our parents and their generation strong and forgot to apply them to our own kids.  Many parents have handed their kids the moon in an attempt to save them from feeling left out if they were unable to obtain these items on their own.  Parents have forgotten how to say no and strive to be their kids best friends.  Few have taught their kids that for every action there is a reaction, and a consequence for every decision thus making them alone responsible for their behavior.

 At the same time it does seem that it's a no win game.. The one that always got me was when they said put your baby in shoes.. then it was oh no, shoes to soon are bad, this was later reversed again.  I ended up with two children in shoes and one not.. funny they all walk just fine today. 

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4398
    • View Profile
Re: What You Did Wrong
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2010, 07:50:56 AM »
Yes, Kathleen, great post. If we're lucky our kids (or us for that matter) will see things differently when they grow up.

It's good to hear from you!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

kathleen

  • Guest
Re: What You Did Wrong
« Reply #5 on: October 01, 2010, 05:22:12 AM »
LaurieS and all,

Thanks for your replies.  So, Laurie, in your case, it was inconsistency with baby shoes.  That is a new one and very interesting.  For me, one of my son's complaints was #3 about the vacations.  We took them to Disney World twice, summers they went back alone with me to my home of origin and spent time in old fishing cabins on a lakeshore, and later he had a trip to Europe and went back for a whole summer to study there.  Today, not directly but through the grapevine, he tells us he is rejecting us partly because we didn't have "normal" family vacations where we all went for two weeks in the winter to a South Seas island. Because I spent time in cabins on lakes when I was a kid, magical times of being able to swim and wander freely in a safe area, I assumed my kids would love them too.  But, as it turns out, my son felt he should have Club Med.  My husband did work a lot, providing all those vacations and full college tuition payments and lots of other good things.

There you see your very astute observation, Laurie, of the "sense of entitlement."  I think you are exactly right on the nail.  I wonder if that is generated in the family or by the media.  Everyone in Sitcom City seems to live in a gorgeous home and have lots of "stuff."  My son did, too.  Yet I can only imagine what he'd have to say today if he was raised in poverty or even a deprived lower middle class.  No doubt that list of grievances would crash his computer; as it is he has to scrape the bottom of the barrel to find reasons to stay away.

We went through the play gun thing with my older sons.  I restricted it, feeling they might become violent as adults. This was pretty ridiculous, since I was a tomboy who played guns with the boys and one of the great days of my childhood was the day at my grandmother's when my Annie Oakley outfit arrived, completely with two holsters and six-shooters. Later on I marched for peace despite my childhood history of play guns. So actually now it's my son, the one who never played with guns, whose doing the cutoff who engages in a kind of emotional blackmail which is emotionally violent to his parents.  By the time my third son came along, I gave up trying to be politically correct.  He played with guns to his heart's content, soon got into better forms of play, and is the most gentle and thoughtful of all the three as an adult.  But wouldn't he have the perfect excuse to rob banks if he chose to go that way?

I also think these no-win reasons are an excuse to do what one wishes without the burdens of older parents.  Then you are free to watch endless football games on Sundays, or, in the case of my DIL, go on relentless shopping trips to the mall, instead of having to drive with your child to the grandparents and spend a much more boring time. (Or, worse, have them over.)  Parents/grandparents can be a lot of trouble.  One might have to give birthday cards, invite them over for Father's Day, and see to Christmas.  Too bad my son & DIL didn't live in Alaska when they were still sending old people out on the ice to die; that would have been so convenient.

They are fortunate we never felt that way about them.

Kathleen


Offline Barbie

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 295
    • View Profile
Re: What You Did Wrong
« Reply #6 on: October 01, 2010, 07:28:03 AM »
Anna, DS hasn't said this to us in so many words, but has implied many times that DIL has told him that it's her way or the highway, he loves her and her DD and feels he has no choice but to do what she says. We have never put him in a position where he has to choose, we know better than that, DIL has and he's afraid of her, a 4', 70 lb. woman. lol

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: What You Did Wrong
« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2010, 08:08:44 AM »
No one should ever be put in the position where they have to choose, and I don't believe any of us mother's have done that...however, what is so difficult for us to understand, is, they are married and have a new woman in they're lives, we are and shouldn't be no longer they're first priority...

Anna, there is still compassion from our sons, they feel awful inside, knowing that we're hurting and this is going on...believe me....and I've even seen some mothers use that, to try and bring they're sons back to them...that is terrible...and unhealthy...

Just b/c my DIL and I are getting along, doesn't mean I'm not still hurting...I lost my son to...he is a man now....not b/c he is not compassionate, but because it's life's journey for them....Every mother goes thru this separation and depression of loosing they're sons to another woman...some worse then others b/c they can't let go....they want to be involved in they're son's life, however, it doesn't work....
someone told me once, and I don't remember who it was, and I don't care, but they said to me, "I'm jealous that things are better with your DIL?"  I don't get that?  If you care about people, your not just standing by them when they're hurting, but when something paramount happens in they're lives, you are happy to?  And yet, when I posted happiness, very few people replied here?  Why?  And no one needs to answer that, I know why. 

Anna, we've all had bad lives, some worse then others...but no one is exempt from having a life that wasn't hurtful....what hurts more is when we don't learn to accept what is and we fight it...we've all spilled our guts out all over these pages about our lives...however, I refuse to hang onto those bad times, and rejoice and dance for the many good times and opportunities I've had.

Some of you have more then one child...I do not...I lost 3 children, b/c I couldn't carry them...and that I'm so sorry for...I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm trying to point out what you guys have...and some of you I just can't imagine what it must have been like to raise more then one child.  I loved kids so much I taught Sunday School and was a youth group advisor.  I grew up an only child, except for my foster family, but it's not the same thing...I wanted to give my son sisters and brothers, but could not, and I weep not to know that every day....child birth to me was the best experience, along with raising my son....however, I also know, I clung to my son more so, b/c I was alone and was going thru a very very bad divorce...so, that may have even intimidated my DIL...she needed him to, she needed to start a new life with him, and not have me constantly on his mind...she wan't to be first and foremost in his life...she for the first time in her life, had someone who loved her, and that she  could love back. 

I've read all your posts...from top to bottom...and I can only think of my girlfriend who has 4 sons and 1 daughter....she backed off immediately....b/c she knew, her job was over....she didn't suggest anything to them, or call or just stop over when ever she pleased...she understood there must be boundaries now...she lets them call her, she never calls them....unless it's something important.....and that is what I have done....

It's no longer about me, but about them, as a couple, who need privacy and boundaries...and a lot of times, the smallest thing, that you don't even realize, you said or did, started this...by maybe calling to much, stopping over to much....I would never stop over at my son's house without calling first and asking if this is a good time....or even when I call, I ask, is this a good time to call...? 

They are busy, a lot busier then us most of the time....

Anna, we've had our lives, our children, and our children...and the more we fight this and get involved, the more we're goin to hurt ourselves.

I've had people write me and ask me for advice on this over the years...and yanno, how I can tell, why they're are problems, b/c the MIL, refuses to admit to herself, that it is not healthy to cling to this problem...or our sons...the more we do, the more we hurt ourselves...I'm sorry, but it's true...when people write me and ask me for my advice and I tell them, right away they get defensive and say, well, I didn't do this or that....or I  didn't do anything...maybe not in your eyes, but in they're eyes, something happened to spark all this...DIL was offended or hurt by some small action and became afraid, if she didn't set boundaries not, this is going to get out of hand...I'm not saying you personally, I'm speaking for those who have, I don't know for sure if you have...however, I do know that your fighting this with all your might, and it's making your life miserable. 

You have a Husband, I have no one...if I did, I'd certainly not miss my son as much...b/c I'd forget about my son and consentrate all my attention to starting a new life now with hubby.  By fighting this, it's driving your husbands crazy, to the point where I bet some of them really fear coming home, b/c they are tired of hearing about it...tired of seeing you hurt yourself, but fear telling you...the same way your son fears telling you or his wife, where you both went wrong....

When someone distances themselves from us, that means there is a problem....like it or not, it isn't all DIL's decission, but son's.  It should raise a flag, and instead of getting angry, we should be trying to figure out what WE as human beings can do to make this better, and if that means backing off, then so be it.

I read where one DIL and husband cut off her inlaws...b/c they were way to overpowering and entitled to they're lives, and it was for years...but now they have allowed MIL and FIL back in they're lives...I hope they have changed, but I fear as time goes on, they will start doing the same things again, by interferring, unless she sets boundaries from the beginning.

Do you know how to beat this?  How to once again have peace...let your son go, let them do they're thing, and give them they're lives, while you figure out a way to live your own...

I see so many mothers posting that are assuming this and that about they're DIL's.  Why they must be doing this or that b/c they hate me....no, your wrong....and looking for things...I did the very same thing, I was hurt, and assuming everything that happened, was against me...

For instance, the woman who wrote and was upset about her DIL sending a card from GD, and didn't write Nana and Pop Pop on the envelope.....??????  I would never do that...ever....inside the card I would...but her DIL took the effort to purchase a card and to send it, thinking that perhaps that would make her mil feel good, and the MIL is looking for something to be upset about by complaining about the envelope????  She should be able to identify, the good thing that her DIL did and cherish that move, b/c it is a milestone. 

My DIL didn't ever send me things from her or my GD, it was always my son sending me things...well, she has changed, and when the DIL see's change, she starts to change to, but it does not happen over night...it takes a long time...of hard work...and it doesn't really have to be hard work, if you get yourselves involved in your own life, and branch out....start getting involved in other areas of your community, friends, books, whatever, but change your habits...when your children see that your not as involved in they're lives, they are going to once again return, but as long as they feel threatened that by contacting you, it's going to only open a can of worms again...they will back off...the resistence to accepting them as a couple and people who needs to have they're own lives, is negative energy that they feel....

Anna, I know everything I've written here does not apply to you, or others here, I'm just throwing out suggestions.  I know a lot of you ladies get offended and angry, by my posts, however, if your going to change things, you have to change....I see it more so, b/c I was there Anna...and still am...every freakin day of my life, I miss that child, my son, that soft voice saying, "mommie"....but that child is no longer mine, he never was....and I won't make him my only purpose in life, that is not healthy. 

Anna, look for the good, and the postive...you have so much more then I do...you at least get your grand kids.....I never do...mine live far away....and while grand kids are a special part of life, they should also not be your only purpose....you ladies have got to find other interests, otherwise, this is going to eat you up alive, and your letting it...you are doing this to yourselves, by your resistence to moving on....I know it, b/c I was there for 12 years....it ate me alive, but it was my own fault, b/c I refused to take any ownership...
and refused to accept that the life that I knew with my son was over....it has to be, it's normal....and if you gals could only realize that, life would be a lot easier on you all...

There are some here who do have very mean DIL's very self imposed, but a lot of it is b/c they are young, afraid, want to be first and foremost in they're husband's lives...without MIL hovering...and yes, a lot of DIL's want it they're way...why, b/c it's they're house, they're lives, they're husbands....we did the same thing when we were first married, however, maybe some of us were lucky enough to have a mil like my friend...who left go, and made her husband her whole purpose....when our son's leave, we now have this time, to rekindle a love affair with our husbands...b/c God only knows how much time you have left together....anything, can happen the very next moment, that will change that...so don't waste your time by crying over something you don't have, create something you do have.

I know a lot of you are going to be offended by my posts and for that I'm very sorry...and I know some of you only want to vent and cry and want support and do not view my words as support or caring...and I know that b/c those of you who are very sensitive and not ready to view what you do have, come in and defend yourselves...there is no need to do that, as I'm not pointing fingers at anyone...

My ex husband told me something once, that is really true....and that is this...

You can feel sorry for someone for so long, and after a while, if they don't start helping themselves and all they want to do is look for the negative, then it's time to distance yourself...

Life is never the same when our son's leave, they were very special to us...our purpose, our reason for living sometimes...however, they are gone, and there isn't a thing we can do about it...and if we realize that...and stop pointing fingers and blaming our DIL's....we'll be a lot healthier for it, and will eventually be able to fix the relationship, however, it will never be the same, nothing is...and it's not b/c of any other reason except, our son's are grown men who want to live they're own lives and want to fix they're own problems....

I really hope you all know that I love you and care
and just b/c my DIL and I are getting along, doesn't mean, I still don't hurt and miss that life I had with my son...but if I hold onto it, well, frankly that is not normal or healthy...

Don't respond, don't defend yourselves...just think about it please....you actually have to recondition yourself...from the life you knew...and bow out of they're lives....

the greatest gift you can give someone you love, is to sometimes let them go, and not think about our hurt, but they're happiness....believe me, that is what gives them happiness....is to know we've accepted that....if we fight it, we're telling our sons over and over again, we don't accept the love of his life, and like her or not...that is like slapping our son's in the face...I know this, b/c I lived it, I was there, and wanted change more then life itself...knowing what that darkness that pain that sorrow, it engulfed me to the point I allowed it to change my whole life....not my DIL, not my son, but I was allowing it to control me, to stagnate me, to make me hate, and say horrible things about my DIL I never met...b/c I was hurt and angry...and everything that happened was b/c they didn't like me, and I actually believed my son didn't like me anymore....and when ever something happened, the littlest thing, I thought they did it to hurt me, when in fact they did not.  My DIL is just different then I am...and we grew up differently and possess different cultures, but she is never going to be the person I think she should be and she is never going to say the things I think she should say, and that's it...so, guess what, I started to look for the good in her, and I found so much more good then bad...and realized, I was soooooo wrong....

I really hope you understand my words instead of taking offense...I don't mean to hurt anyone, but more so help you all, and I do so wish I could, believe me.

Love and prayers
Creme
« Last Edit: October 01, 2010, 08:28:57 AM by cremebrulee »

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: What You Did Wrong
« Reply #8 on: October 01, 2010, 08:36:36 AM »
Hi Creme.  I know you said don't respond, but thats just not me.  I have changed, tremendously.  I am giving ods lots & lots of space.  That doesn't mean that I can't be mad at him!  Or my ndil for that matter.  I am mad as ____ at both of them.  My ndil went on FB & publicly aired some things.  She cursed & swore at me.  My dil never, ever did, or would do that.  My dil, I think, is a keeper.  I have learned that she may be one of the ones who was truly afraid that she may lose her family, & thought she had to fight.  I also think she knows now that she never has to worry about that.  I do not , & never did want to take her family away from her.  I just wanted to be a part my yds family.  I do know how lucky I am.  That doesn't change how I feel, right now, about ods & ndil.  I hope everything will be ok, but we will not go through life without seeing our ods.  Our ndil owes us an apology, because we didn't do anything to deserve what she did.  That apology will probably never come, but I cna forgive, & move on.

Anna, honestly I know your situation...and know you've changed...and you or no one else here has to feel like they have to defend they're feelings...or I'm pointing fingers and saying your wrong, I'm just asking you all to read and if it applies to you, then acknowledge it...and I don't mean you but you in general...

I could be way wrong, b/c I do not know any of you personally...and can only write from what my heart knows, my experience and feelings.
and by the way, what your ndil did was wrong, and I would, if it were me, sit them both down with me and hubby and ask her why....she's going to get defensive, however, if you can retain your cool, and tell her you mean her no harm, that you just want to get along...and never ever again, discuss family matters with either DIL....come in here and vent....

I'm wondering if by you telling her about your situation with odil, if that really frightened her....and made her question if you were going to someday feel the same way about her?  Even if she did add to the conversation at the time, what else could she do, she wanted you to like her...yanno, most DIL's are so afraid the MIL's are not going to like them...and are so sensative and insecure....so young and naieve and they don't perceive things the same as we do, b/c they are so much younger...?

I love you Anna...hope you know that...and wish for you peace in all of this someday soon, as well as the other ladies here....

Oh, and I don't mean, you can't respond, but I don't want anyone to feel like they have to defend they're feelings to me...or they're actions...and I'm not in any way, saying that your feelings are not valid...they are...

I do believe Anna, this will mend itself eventually, I do...
« Last Edit: October 01, 2010, 09:09:58 AM by cremebrulee »

Offline Barbie

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 295
    • View Profile
Re: What You Did Wrong
« Reply #9 on: October 01, 2010, 09:11:51 AM »
Creme, I'm not trying to be defensive, but would like to clarify that by my posts you have to know that I really appreciate your advice and I have you on a pedestal, however I can tell that I'm not a fan of yours. I really wish when you have something to say about me that you would tell me directly rather than using me as an example, not nice, very demeaning, I may not go about things the same way you do but I'm still trying in my own way, I don't know why you feel you can't talk to me directly, we're all here looking for support and understanding, you know the pain we are all in. I need more advice than I can give.

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: What You Did Wrong
« Reply #10 on: October 01, 2010, 09:34:45 AM »
Creme, I'm not trying to be defensive, but would like to clarify that by my posts you have to know that I really appreciate your advice and I have you on a pedestal, however I can tell that I'm not a fan of yours. I really wish when you have something to say about me that you would tell me directly rather than using me as an example, not nice, very demeaning, I may not go about things the same way you do but I'm still trying in my own way, I don't know why you feel you can't talk to me directly, we're all here looking for support and understanding, you know the pain we are all in. I need more advice than I can give.

Guest, I remember things that are written and said, but do not remember who said them, I had to go back to look at who actually wrote that...I'm not talking behind your back, and honestly don't remember what you said....

I'm very sorry, you feel that way...it wasn't meant that way...I wasn't using you as an example as much as remembering something that was written and trying to help while adressing you and all the ladies here in my post to Anna...
and b/c I couldn't remember, I did use it as an example.  Was I wrong not to post it on your post, and say the very same thing, or to write it in here addressing all the ladies...? 
Guest, what your DIL did was paramount...a milestone, she actually took a step forward and tried to do something to please you...

When I address an envelope, to anyone, I always write Mr. and Mrs.  I would never write nana/pop pop or anything like that...it just wouldn't occur to me to do that...I honestly believe your making headway with your DIL...especially if she did something nice like that....

so please don't be upset, look for the good in her gesture...and use it to your benefit, instead of reading something into it that isn't there....

Guest, I did the very same thing...

and I'm very very sorry you feel the way you do about me...

I can't be anything more then honest....you ladies take offense to my posts, b/c you feel like I'm saying your wrong...what I'm saying is...I understand, and I've been there and I know how the littlest thing got taken out of context....b/c my DIL didn't do things the way I thought she needed to do them, right away I thought, "Oh she is doing this to hurt me".  She had no idea, she was doing things her way, the only way she knew how to do them....
the only way she was taught, it wasn't intended to hurt me at all, it was who she was....

Guest...I know when you guys come in here, you need support, and need to feel like your feelings are valid...and they are, the hurt is very real and awful...despairing and lonely....

however, if I can save any of you guys from 12 years of hurt, then that is of utmost importance, rather then caring more if you like me, or not...but if someday, you slowly start to see what I'm saying might have the smallest speck of validity, then I don't care if you like me or not...what I care about is, your relationship with your son and DIL and that you have peace and happiness....

I'm sorry...but I really don't see a difference...and I know your upset with me b/c I don't agree with you, and you think what I'm saying is "your wrong"...and that's all you can see right now...but I'm not saying that, what I'm saying is....look for what you do have b/c no one, will be able to live up to your expectations of how they should be and what they should do...personally, I think it was pretty darn awesome for your DIL to take the time to do that...if you acknowledge that and specially thank her with true happiness in your voice, more good things will happen. Its' the small things like this that keep happening...it doesn't happen over night...but the more you thank her, the more she will reward you, and visa versa....

You don't have to like me Guest...what I hope for more then anything else in the world, is that you at least consider the thoughts...remembering, I could always be wrong.

Yanno, knowing what I know now, I think in a lot of these cases, not all, but a few of them, no one really did anything wrong, they were just being themselves....

and think about it, I have not a thing to gain by coming in here and being honest...I know people don't care for me...they are offended by my honestly...and they take a lot of things I say as if I'm siding with DIL's...I'm not...I'm actually on your side...and do care a whole lot more then you'll ever realize or know.

Creme
« Last Edit: October 01, 2010, 09:37:47 AM by cremebrulee »

Offline Nana

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 762
    • View Profile
Re: What You Did Wrong
« Reply #11 on: October 01, 2010, 12:02:20 PM »
Creme:

I also acknowledge your great posts.  The only thing I dont agree with you is that youfrequently  mention that maybe to our eyes with did not do nothing wrong, but that dil is reacting because she felt it differently.  I would clarify that many many times (not all as you say)  they are not reacting because they feel something you did or didnt do an offense, they react this way because they dont want to give a chance.  Many many times they just want you out......not for special reasons. 

After I made peace with dil (after two painful years) she did acknowledge that she didnt have any complaints about us.....that her attitude was because she was afraid we would try to interfere in her life, and besides that all her unwed friends and her always spoke of  setting boundaries to mil from the very start.     Bad dils dont need a reason....they set boundaries before they even know you.   And this Creme....is a common denominator in this new generation.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: What You Did Wrong
« Reply #12 on: October 01, 2010, 01:04:17 PM »
Creme:

I also acknowledge your great posts.  The only thing I dont agree with you is that youfrequently  mention that maybe to our eyes with did not do nothing wrong, but that dil is reacting because she felt it differently.  I would clarify that many many times (not all as you say)  they are not reacting because they feel something you did or didnt do an offense, they react this way because they dont want to give a chance.  Many many times they just want you out......not for special reasons. 

After I made peace with dil (after two painful years) she did acknowledge that she didnt have any complaints about us.....that her attitude was because she was afraid we would try to interfere in her life, and besides that all her unwed friends and her always spoke of  setting boundaries to mil from the very start.     Bad dils dont need a reason....they set boundaries before they even know you.   And this Creme....is a common denominator in this new generation.

Love

Hi Nana, thanks for sharing your thoughts...I do appreciate your words and your opinions.

yanno, I just have a really difficult time believing that this is a common denominator with this generation....I know so many many people who get along so well with they're DIL's and Mil's who really cherish the women they're son's have married.

The DIL's who get along well with they're inlaws are not on the internet looking for a place to vent, b/c they have no need of it...otherwise, I think, and I could be wrong, but actually, I wish they'd be in here posting and sharing they're lives and secrets with all of us.

I work with this younger generation you speak of, and am the oldest one there....and they all, except one, absolutely love they're MIL's....and then my friends...especially the one, her DIL's call her one to two times a week and the one, asked her if she could call her mom, and calls her almost every day.  Another friend is still close with her ex DIL and now her new DIL as well....

I promise I'm not making this up....

When I say, you didn't do anything wrong, but perhaps your DIL's viewed something you did or said, that offended her, I don't mean your wrong...no one is wrong here and no one is right...

We actually hurt people with our words in everyday life and don't even realize it...b/c of the way we were conditioned to believe...

Your DIL's are way different from all of you...different ideas....different expectations....and I bet, if some of you, b/c again, I know this doesn't apply to everyone, but I bet if you sat down and were open to hearing DIL tell you what happened, you'd be shocked.  I was...the only thing with that is, you have to be ready to hear what hurt her, without taking offense...and then reassure her, that, that wasn't what you intended or meant.  And you cannot do that, until you are able to really want to know what you did to offend her....it may have been the smallest thing, but it hurt her, scared her or offended her....

I mean it...when my DIL and I started sharing stories, we could not believe how each of us took insult to what the other did and it wasn't intended. 

I used Guest as an example, and I couldn't remember who wrote that, but it stuck, b/c something like that which is very small, can be taken in a hurtful way...look how Guest's feelings were hurt...because her dil didn't do what Guest thinks she should do....

I can't live up to DIL's expectations of what she has grown in her mind over the years of what a MIL should be...and neither can she me...I've learned to accept and love the person she is...and yanno what...we, she and I, have so much in common, and so much not in common.

But the fact that I'm trying to explain here is, she was so shocked at some of the things I told her hurt me, that she even said, "I'm going to have to revisit that behavior, b/c I don't want others to think that way of me".  I told her, "well, don't do it for me, b/c now that I know it wasn't directed towards me, I'm fine with it."  I thought actually believed she was telling me, I am not wanted and welcome in her life...that was my perception, and she told me, she wants me to be family, she wants to get to know me....

The trick is, we were both ready, to share, and to accept the fact, that we both did things that hurt each other without realizing it.

And of course DIL's will react differently b/c they are much younger, much less experienced when they first get married.

And, to, young girls who are getting married sit around and talk, just like we do, and they share the same horror stories...about MIL's....some are valid, some are not...however, I will tell you this, from only my own experience...I wish I had set boundaries right from the start with my MIL....I know she meant well, and she didn't have a mean bone in her body, but when she said to me, "you should do it this way"....I felt like she was saying, my way was all wrong....and that is why I can see a DIL's side of it...not that they are right and you are wrong....or visa versa...

But, you've gotta be ready to explore this openly and honestly and not take offense....and I really do believe there are DIL's here who really want to get along, they just don't know how to go about it....and there are a whole lot of women out there who will take offense and feel like your personally attacking them, when you give them your honest opinion. 

And Nana, I'm not there, I really don't know you, your son or DIL....so I can't really say any of my posts are right...however, while I do believe that there are some DIL's who want you out, there are others who are hurting just as much as some of you are, b/c they don't know what in the world to do, and you can see that by some of the DIL's posts here....

Relationships Nana, are the hardest things to deal with, the only reason why husband and wife usually get on so  well, is b/c the husband as a man, usually agrees with his wife, just so there is no confrontations and tends to give the wife her way....however, put two women in the same kitchen for any length of time and see what happens.

Consider this Nana
Your DIL told you why she treated you the way she did...and she really had no complaints with you...she said she was "afraid"....you would interfer in they're lives...Nana, she had no other experience to go on, she wanted to love your son...but as DIL's are thrown into a whole new family surrounding, and she is worried about so many things....are they going to like me, shall I reject them, before they reject me, then it won't hurt so much...is she going to not approve of the way I keep the house, or is she going to judge me on my parents behavior, which she acknowledges, isn't always the best....and she is a stranger, and here is this loving mother of her husband to be, wanting to be so close to her and accept her in they're family as if she were born there....but she is afraid if she does that, then she must adhere to all of your traditions, wishes, phone calls, stop in's etc.

She's scared...period...she doesn't know you and know what to expect. 

Yanno Nana, some people cannot say I'm sorry, however, your DIL's words were actually saying, she was sorry, or she wouldn't have told you the truth.  Nana, that took a lot of guts on her part to come out with that...b/c there are a lot of young girls out there who if you asked them if anything was wrong, they'd say, "no" when there really is something wrong. 

I know the hurt and pain you went thru, it's like a train wreck..all of a sudden one day your son is there, and then he's not...

I expected when my son got married, he and she were going to be really good friends with me, like he and all his friends were....I expected we'd do things together, and it would be no different, except now I'd have a daughter....but she was a stanger, afraid, and I know my son talked about me all the time...and he did some things that must have hurt her, like calling me on they're honeymoon, and other things...which I actually pushed him away and told him, you've got a wife now, you shouldn't be sharing these things with me any longer....

Nana, its a very very tough call...but in order for any relationship to work, it takes two to be able to really listen to each other without getting hurt...

I wanted it so bad, I was willing to hear where I made mistakes....so I could correct them....but before that, boy oh boy, if you would have told me I made any mistakes, I'd have said, "I didn't do anything, I didn't do anything...and I actually believed I didn't".  But indirectly, I did...

How is your relationship now with her?  Yanno, as our DIL's grow older, and have they're own children they start to realize, the importance of grand parents...but it takes some longer then others to mature....it's all in the learning process.

Nana, please don't take this post of mine as harsh or offensive...and I'm not saying your wrong...or right, b/c I don't know...only your heart knows the answer to that...I'm only sharing thoughts...which may or may not apply to you...?

I just wish, all this stuff could be made better for all of you...

My situation is not much different from yours...I miss my son terrible...but I know, it's his turn now...it's his life now...and if he chooses to have me there, they will ask, but it's no longer about him, but them...they are a couple and it has to be mutual...and if she is nervous with me, still, then I must adhere to that if I want it to work...I want to love her more then anything else, but I don't want to push her either...and I will always remember, I am a guest in they're home, not my son's mother, but my DIL's guest. 




1Glitterati

  • Guest
Re: What You Did Wrong
« Reply #13 on: October 01, 2010, 01:11:24 PM »
HI Guest1.  My ods has told me that whenever something doesn't go ndils way, she is packing her bags & saying she wants a divorce.  Ods says that the least little thing & she's out the door.  Ods is trying to get her to see, that you shouldn't react that way over the little things.  She has cut us out, over something we didn't even do, so ods is absolutely walking on thin shells.

He should call her bluff and tell her not to let the door hit her in the @ss on the way out.  Seriously.  If she won't go to therapy and work on her issues.  He should run...run like he stole something.  There is no point in tying yourself to a situation like this and suffering for the rest of your life.  None at all.

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: What You Did Wrong
« Reply #14 on: October 01, 2010, 01:27:29 PM »
Quote
He should call her bluff and tell her not to let the door hit her in the @ss on the way out.  Seriously.  If she won't go to therapy and work on her issues.  He should run...run like he stole something.  There is no point in tying yourself to a situation like this and suffering for the rest of your life.  None at all.

I totally agree with this Glitterati....she is manipulating him with emotional blackmail...the worse thing you can do to a relationship is threaten something like this....it is controlling the situation...and is so wrong...she should seek counseling...and if she doesn't then she's saying I'm right and everyone else is wrong.

she and he both have to change in order to grow into a healthier relationship...and she is stating, it's my way or else....which she will pass that kind of attitude down to her children...sad...